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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First date - what to expect after

29 replies

Holibobby · 20/04/2025 07:49

Started chatting to a guy on a dating app and then I mentioned we should go for a drink - as find it tedious the talking on the apps. Although he didn’t seem like my usual type when we met I was instantly attracted to him and we had an amazing first date.

He seemed really into me and had a really great date went out to a few bars and ended up dancing in a club with him till 4am ( despite me previously saying I was only going for one drink)

Woke up to a text off him saying he had a really good night and would love to take me on another date. And he sent a couple of texts throughout the day. He mentioned what days he is free but I didn’t want to seem super keen so I didn’t say when I’m next free - I just made random conversation asking if the hangover had lifted. That was early-ish yesterday and he has left it on unread.

He wasent a big messager from what I’ve gathered before the date (I.e. I wasent sure if date was going ahead as he had not messaged all day before)

In the past ive dated a few love bombers where it’s been really intense and ive overinvested and fell for these types of people. He doesn’t seem to be like that so far (well I certainly don’t get those vibes). So I’m thinking this level of contact is normal? Should I have responded with what days I am free - I am wary of OLD as had some not great experiences.

OP posts:
Hellohihola · 20/04/2025 07:51

Did he quite literally ask what days you were free in which you overlooked and asked how his hangover was instead?

FortyNineAndABit · 20/04/2025 07:51

I would say that you've blown cold and scared him off.

CalypsoCuthbertson · 20/04/2025 07:52

Rude! Don’t play games. Do you know how rare it is to find someone you really click with? If you’re serious about him, show him.

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 07:55

Well he just asked what my plans are for the week and I said I’m spending weekend with family and back to work next week and he said he’s working x days and he’s off x days. I just said that’s a nice short week, how’s the hangover. I’m not sure whether to message him and I suggest a day. I’m so out of the loop of dating - don’t want to come across as super keen.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 20/04/2025 07:56

My husband used to hate when ladies didn't answer simple questions. Just tell him when you're free and let hi know you'd liked to see him again. I was lovely bombed by one guy then dumped, it's awful but to be fair my husband love bombed me a bit but that's because he was really keen and 7 years later we are happily married. If you don't reply he just thinks you're not interested and will move on.

Wasvular · 20/04/2025 07:56

Why are you messing around? Yes you might have blown this one. The good ones don’t like games

Olika · 20/04/2025 07:59

You should have answered his question about next date and agreed on the day. Instead you played games and here you are.

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 07:59

I don’t think I’m intentionally playing games - im just really out of the loop of dating and have had my fingers burnt lots in the past by overinvesting early

OP posts:
CalypsoCuthbertson · 20/04/2025 08:01

Okay, well I take back rude - you’ve probably not been rude! But if you want to see him again, you can just tell him that. It might feel vulnerable but that’s normal. If you’ve been love bombed in the past and want to take it slow, tell him you want to see him again in a week or something. Space out the dates so you have a chance to reflect between meetings and get to know each other slowly. If you’re unsure about his texting style, have a conversation with him about how you each prefer to communicate between dates.

Keep it straightforward and communicate well.

Coali · 20/04/2025 08:03

It sounds like you’re not interested in him. If I’d been out with someone until 4am having a blast, I’d be really excited about meeting up again. If I’d suggested dates I was free and the other person didn’t answer, I would assume they weren’t that into me. Are you sure you’re into him as most people would be falling over themselves to meet again. I had many 4am nights with my now husband and we both couldn’t wait to meet up.

I’m sure there will be a guy out there for you that you’re really excited to see again, perhaps it’s not this one.

Lindy2 · 20/04/2025 08:03

If you want to see him again - which it sounds very much like you do, then just message something like this.

"I've checked my diary now and I'd be free x and x dates if either of those are good for you. It would be nice to see you again. "

Nothing gushy or complicated. Just the facts.

I hope he gets back to you. If he doesn't then he obviously isn't worth it after all.

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 08:09

I will message him this morning and let I’m know I’m free on certain days and see if he replies. I think if I had messaged someone what days I was free- I would probably be expecting a reply to that. Because he didn’t open the last message though don’t want it to seem weird that I’ve double messaged.

OP posts:
Wasvular · 20/04/2025 08:16

You have to show an amount of enthusiasm because men don’t know. Maybe something like “hey lovely, woke up thinking about how much fun I had the other day. Just had chance to look at my diary. I’m free x and x”. If he doesn’t respond, so what? You haven’t actually lost anything

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 20/04/2025 08:17

Reply to the message asking about dates/times with “Just realised I hadn’t replied to this! Sorry! Just checked my diary and I’m free on XYZ if any of those work for you too?”, and take it as a lesson to not play games in future.

Sailead · 20/04/2025 08:22

So it’s ok for you to play games, but not him?

JenniferAnistonForReals · 20/04/2025 08:32

I don’t think you’re rude or intentionally playing games. I do think you’re, understandably, now feeling nervous and vulnerable. It’s scary when we actually like someone! After my first date with the man I’m now seeing, I was quite cross that I liked him 😁

Take a deep breath then send that message letting him know when you’re free. Don’t worry about seeming keen, keen is nice. A bit scary when we’ve been hurt, but nice. Then one step/date at a time.

And good luck!

Coali · 20/04/2025 08:34

Wasvular · 20/04/2025 08:16

You have to show an amount of enthusiasm because men don’t know. Maybe something like “hey lovely, woke up thinking about how much fun I had the other day. Just had chance to look at my diary. I’m free x and x”. If he doesn’t respond, so what? You haven’t actually lost anything

Yes, men are famously unenthusiastic. 🙄

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 08:34

@JenniferAnistonForReals Thank you :) it’s funny that you say you were cross that you liked him because that’s how I felt yesterday. I normally find faults on dates and find something to be wrong. But irritatingly, I didn’t find any faults with this guy.

OP posts:
JenniferAnistonForReals · 20/04/2025 08:51

Holibobby · 20/04/2025 08:34

@JenniferAnistonForReals Thank you :) it’s funny that you say you were cross that you liked him because that’s how I felt yesterday. I normally find faults on dates and find something to be wrong. But irritatingly, I didn’t find any faults with this guy.

Bad dates are so much easier to deal with! But this, actually liking someone, that’s annoying 😁 I even told a friend, “well, obviously I can’t see him again” and she gently, but firmly, told me off then literally held my hand while I used the other to suggest a second date.

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 09:04

I’ve messaged him mentioning what days I am free so hopefully I get a response. Just don’t want it to look too much that he’s still not opened the last message I sent yday

OP posts:
DefinitelyMaybe92 · 20/04/2025 09:16

Holibobby · 20/04/2025 09:04

I’ve messaged him mentioning what days I am free so hopefully I get a response. Just don’t want it to look too much that he’s still not opened the last message I sent yday

What have you got to lose at this point? If he doesn’t reply, never mind, if he does then great! Good luck.

Seaoftroubles · 20/04/2025 09:18

Good luck OP and l hope he replies. It seems like you have a bit of anxiety around dating but remember you've met, liked him and had a good time with him. It doesn't look like 'too much' that you've replied and suggested dates you are free. What have you got to lose?

Original poster
Holibobby · 20/04/2025 10:50

Yeah I defintley have anxiety around dating which is the reason I try to avoid it

OP posts:
JenniferAnistonForReals · 20/04/2025 12:40

Fingers crossed for a positive response. Anxiety is horrible but totally normal, especially if you’ve been hurt before. It feels way safer to keep a wall up and protect yourself and your worried heart.

Veggielepsy · 20/04/2025 13:04

Don't worry about double texting etc (within reason) just say 'sorry! Forgot to reply re a second date. How about Tues?' don't overthink things like this at the expense of keeping the momentum going. If it's not working out it will soon become apparent. Keep things moving from your end as long as you're keen and he seems it too. It's better just to be genuine than mess about and second guess what you 'should' be doing. Someone who's a good fit won't be put off by your communication, as you'll be a good fit. No amount of monitoring and worrying about this will make a bad match work out.