Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

[AquarianStrummer]

I am in great need of advice over a dilemma causing me much emotional turmoil. Apologies, but a lengthy post is needed for context.
I am a male, married to my wife for almost 2 decades, with 3 teenage kids.
I married for the wrong reasons. My wife and I had a rocky first couple of years together with her breaking up with me and getting back together numerous times. I then ended the relationship for the one and only time, when trust issues she had with me became intolerable. We were apart for several months, but she pestered me relentlessly to get back together. I also experienced pressure from my parents to hurry up and get married. I wasn't very successful with women generally and I came to the conclusion that this may be my one and only opportunity to marry and have a family. I therefore relented, we got back together and eventually married.
Over the first few years of our marriage numerous issues arose. Apart from when trying to conceive, sex all but dried up completely. Attempts by me to instigate it would be rejected the vast majority of the time to the point that I gave up trying.
We were on completely different pages when it came to parenting and she would challenge me over it in front of the kids. A major issue was finances where my wife proved to be completely incapable of managing them responsibly and despite a reasonable income we are never able to save any money. It was not a happy marriage at all.
Then my wife developed a number of health conditions and over the course of a few years became severely disabled. She has depression & anxiety too and often talks of ending her life, with more than enough strong medication to hand to do so. We have carers attend but I have also become a carer. I have to do everything in the house, help her dress, take her to hospital appointments and push her wheelchair - the only time she ever leaves the house. I have to deal with all her paperwork / phone calls regarding benefits etc, which she finds herself incapable of dealing with. I take the kids everywhere. On top of this I work full time and do a couple of volunteering things too.
I have certainly not been in love with my wife for many years and I'm not necessarily convinced I ever really was. I do care about her a great deal and love her like a family member.
A few years ago, I started having an affair with someone nearby. She is divorced. We fell in love with one another. I managed to get little chunks of absolute happiness in my life and we both accepted the situation for what it was, but hoping one day somehow we could be together properly. However, over the past few months, my new partner has been gradually persuaded by her friends and by her now older children to end our relationship as the nature of it was now making her kids uncomfortable and the lack of a future for it with the status quo. She ended it with me a few weeks ago, but insisted that she still loved me and would still want to be with me if the situation was different. My heart is broken.
I am absolutely in love with the person I have had the affair with and cannot bear the thought of life without her. I am utterly, utterly miserable, as was the case before my affair, but then with no belief that anything better could be possible. I have for the first time begun to seriously contemplate leaving my wife. But how could she cope without me and would it lead her to take her life? Would the kids ever forgive me?
What should I do?

So you married your wife because she was the only one at the time that would ‘have you’, moan she wouldn’t give you sex, complain she’s become disabled, cheated on her and now want to run off because your life of convenience is no longer so? Poor woman. You don’t need Mumsnet to tell you to go off with your next poor commodity, but the consequences with you family will be yours to deal with.

Your post screams victim mentality. I don’t doubt this is how you see the situation and it has enabled you to cheat whilst feeling justified. However there is another side to the story where your wife believed the man she married loved her. If you had been truthful that your decision was based on wanting a family and not necessarily her maybe she would have made a different choice for herself. Your claim that she chased you down and wanted you and you had no choice is ridiculous. Perhaps your wife stopped wanting sex around the time she realised you didn’t have genuine feelings for her?

You think you should stay with her because you are terrified of being seen as the ‘bad guy’ if you leave. But this has been your problem your whole life. You have done what you think you should rather than what you wanted, and it has led you here, cheating on your disabled wife and in love with someone else but unable to be honest with anyone including yourself for fear of how this will make you look.

But this is the wrong concern. You should be wanting to look in the mirror and be content with the man you see. Not some perfect person who never makes mistakes but someone who owns the mistakes he makes, is honest about how he feels and does his best to take care of those around him. Sometimes this means letting people down but if you know you did your best and are true to yourself that’s all you can do. What this looks like will depend on you. But it seems like staying with your wife will always be a lie. Maybe separating but providing for her financially and helping her as a friend with tasks/ appointments rather than abandoning her could work? It won’t be easy and you have to accept the anger and upset this will cause but over time if you are consistent in your desire to help and be there for your family in a different capacity, there could be a place where you can live your authentic life and be a man you respect.

You ruined your marriage. Deal with the consequences.

Your wife would be a fool to take you back anyway.

I mean often things are 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Have you ever done anything wrong or is it just your wife who is a terrible human?

Poor you!

Forced to marry, forced to have three children, forced to stay for 20 years, forced to care for your wife who had the temerity to get ill and now <bites fist> dumped by the woman whose arms you were forced into.

You may be forced to grow a spine.

No, she was not the only one at the time that would have me, but a certain amount of low self-esteem on my part at the time led me to thinking that I might never find anyone else and I therefore made a mistake. I accept the moan about the sex, but I think this would be an issue in many marriages. I certainly did not complain about her becoming disabled. It is no fault of hers and I have every sympathy for her. If I didn't I wouldn't see this as a dilemma. I am simply describing what has become a very difficult situation. And as such my life has been very far from convenient!

Thank you for the only empathetic and objective reply so far.
It wasn't a case of not being truthful when getting married. Whilst the thought around potentially never finding anyone else was in my head when getting back together, I worked hard at the relationship for another couple of years before getting married and believed at the time that I was marrying for the right reasons. It is with the benefit of hindsight that I see it was a mistake. I certainly didn't claim that I had no choice. I tried to explain why I made that choice. I don't think what you say about the sex is right. That became the case very early on and long before I started feeling differently.
There is some truth in your comments about being seen as the bad guy, but it is certainly not just that. I am not a cruel person and have every sympathy for my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I wouldn't just abandon her.
I agree with much of what you say in your last paragraph and if I were to leave I would certainly want to be as supportive as possible in the manner you describe.

You have misunderstood the situation. My wife has no knowledge of the affair and I am currently still with her.

I had an affair, which obviously is a terrible wrong. I certainly don't regard my wife as a terrible human either. She is a very good person. I have tried to explain the context from my own point of view of what has been a very unhappy marriage. My wife would have her own point of view but would agree that it has not been a happy marriage. With the benefit of hindsight, we were not a good match.

What age are your kids?

I'm inclined to think you should leave. Best thing for everyone concerned not least your wife. Since it looks like you'll jump ship when a better option comes along, be honest at the very least.

I haven't claimed to have been forced to do anything. Marrying was a choice but it was a mistake.

18, 16 & 13.
A "better option" did come along and I am still here. If it were an easy choice to jump ship, I wouldn't need to be agonising over it and posting here.

But your affair wasn’t really your fault was it? You were just trying to find a few strands of happiness?

I think until you start taking responsibility for your poor choices rather than blaming luck, circumstances and others you aren’t going to be happy whatever you do.

I don't really get where you're coming from there. Of course the affair was my fault. Providing an explanation for why I did it does not mean I do not think I am responsible for it.

You know what to do. Seize an opportunity for happiness while ensuring your wife is comfortable and cared for. You owe it to everyone to create a situation without lies.

I can sort of sympathise with your affair partner’s friends and their point of view, which is what is forcing you to put the facts of your life together here. But wonder I why it was open on her side if it was a complete secret on yours, and how you maintained that? It seems a strange double standard to be living up to.

Yet you stayed married and chose to have three children. Now you're bewailing your bad luck as though you had absolutely nothing to do with it.

People who have affairs rewrite history and they're always the victim. Men are known to jump ship when their partner's get ill.

The realisation that the marriage had been a mistake came after the children. I am not abdicating responsibility for anything and I am certainly not rewriting history. I am simply describing a difficult and unhappy circumstance and how it was arrived at.

You married her because you thought no one else would have you and you couldn’t do any better, but you didn’t realise this was a colossal error until you had three kids?

OP
Generally you will get very little support on here if you are a) male and b) had an affair.

I think you should come clean and be honest with yourself and those close to you, with the help of a psychotherapist amd a marriage counsellor. This could be the fresh start you need. You don't need to see this as abandoning your wife. You are allowed to leave her, disability or no disability. It would help if you talked it through with neutral individuals, preferably qualified professionals used ot dealing with these sort of big life dilemmas.

In the meantime, there are many useful free podcasts on Spotify. Give DrPsychmom a try. Many others.

You said that you had doubts about the marriage and felt pressured to marry. That you only had sex to have children and you stayed for 20 years. You've been miserable all this time and your only glimpse of happiness has been cheating on your wife who is now disabled.

I'm sure your wife has a very different interpretation of events.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Sometimes one bad decision leads to more…
If I were you I’d put the wheels in motion to gradually leave.
Is the only way, or else stay and be miserable.

Thank you for your empathy and objectivity.
Yes, I sympathise with their point of view too. It wasn't entirely open on her side and closed on mine. Both of us had close friends who knew.

Op I can’t totally help but I wonder if it honestly would be better for you all if you broke up, maybe your wife would find some form of inner strength and thrive, from the pic of somebody in a struggling relationship, your wife will have some of the feelings you have and be wondering if she’d be happier on her own.

As a woman I do also however feel the need to point out to you and all men that the reason sex may have dried up was that she was exhausted with life and or kids, and the other partner will always think the other partner is irresponsible with money but does get that kids do cost money. Best of luck with it all, hope you all get some form of this figured out

We were on completely different pages when it came to parenting and she would challenge me over it in front of the kids.

Well it depends what the difference is. If my ex was shouting at the kids or unreasonably harsh I would and did challenge him in front of the kids, in fact I wish I had done so more often. Of course other minor differences should be discussed later.

Never an excuse for an affair either. Not fair on your affair partner either.

Have you been honest with your wife, does she even know about your affair?

It might change her perception in life somewhat and force your hand