Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

[AquarianStrummer]

I am in great need of advice over a dilemma causing me much emotional turmoil. Apologies, but a lengthy post is needed for context.
I am a male, married to my wife for almost 2 decades, with 3 teenage kids.
I married for the wrong reasons. My wife and I had a rocky first couple of years together with her breaking up with me and getting back together numerous times. I then ended the relationship for the one and only time, when trust issues she had with me became intolerable. We were apart for several months, but she pestered me relentlessly to get back together. I also experienced pressure from my parents to hurry up and get married. I wasn't very successful with women generally and I came to the conclusion that this may be my one and only opportunity to marry and have a family. I therefore relented, we got back together and eventually married.
Over the first few years of our marriage numerous issues arose. Apart from when trying to conceive, sex all but dried up completely. Attempts by me to instigate it would be rejected the vast majority of the time to the point that I gave up trying.
We were on completely different pages when it came to parenting and she would challenge me over it in front of the kids. A major issue was finances where my wife proved to be completely incapable of managing them responsibly and despite a reasonable income we are never able to save any money. It was not a happy marriage at all.
Then my wife developed a number of health conditions and over the course of a few years became severely disabled. She has depression & anxiety too and often talks of ending her life, with more than enough strong medication to hand to do so. We have carers attend but I have also become a carer. I have to do everything in the house, help her dress, take her to hospital appointments and push her wheelchair - the only time she ever leaves the house. I have to deal with all her paperwork / phone calls regarding benefits etc, which she finds herself incapable of dealing with. I take the kids everywhere. On top of this I work full time and do a couple of volunteering things too.
I have certainly not been in love with my wife for many years and I'm not necessarily convinced I ever really was. I do care about her a great deal and love her like a family member.
A few years ago, I started having an affair with someone nearby. She is divorced. We fell in love with one another. I managed to get little chunks of absolute happiness in my life and we both accepted the situation for what it was, but hoping one day somehow we could be together properly. However, over the past few months, my new partner has been gradually persuaded by her friends and by her now older children to end our relationship as the nature of it was now making her kids uncomfortable and the lack of a future for it with the status quo. She ended it with me a few weeks ago, but insisted that she still loved me and would still want to be with me if the situation was different. My heart is broken.
I am absolutely in love with the person I have had the affair with and cannot bear the thought of life without her. I am utterly, utterly miserable, as was the case before my affair, but then with no belief that anything better could be possible. I have for the first time begun to seriously contemplate leaving my wife. But how could she cope without me and would it lead her to take her life? Would the kids ever forgive me?
What should I do?

If your wife knew about the affair, what do you think she would want to happen? Are you sure she doesn’t know but hasn’t said anything for fear of being unable to look after herself?

If you leave, don’t underestimate the impact that caring for your wife could have on your kids - they may feel they have to delay leaving home, or the youngest might find caring responsibilities falling to them if the older two leave. It’s very likely they’ll never forgive you - but equally, if they found out about the affair and you’d ‘chosen to stay’ they may also never forgive you. If you do choose to leave, what care could you put in place that would ensure your wife maintains the same quality of life. I.e; doesn’t financially destroy her, or mean she’s not able to live at home etc? While she will no longer be your responsibility- morally, the right thing to do is to be really practical about long term sustainable support plans for her. And these plans should also enable her not just to survive but to thrive and rebuild a life without you. She deserves happiness too.

@AquarianStrummer If you left your wife and the OW didn’t want you, or the relationship failed - how would you feel then? Would you wish you’d have stayed out of duty and for the kids? Or relieved to be out of an unhappy marriage?

Please leave your wife but make sure she's cared for and that the children don't feel responsible to take care of her.

Whilst the thought around potentially never finding anyone else was in my head when getting back together, I worked hard at the relationship for another couple of years before getting married and believed at the time that I was marrying for the right reasons. It is with the benefit of hindsight that I see it was a mistake.

This is becoming apparent!
Thank you. We did have couples counselling several years ago, prior to the affair, where all the issues in the marriage were aired. It didn't bring about any change unfortunately.

Whilst the thought around potentially never finding anyone else was in my head when getting back together, I worked hard at the relationship for another couple of years before getting married and believed at the time that I was marrying for the right reasons. It is with the benefit of hindsight that I see it was a mistake. I didn't say we only had sex to have children, but outside of that it became very few and far between. I haven't been miserable the entire 20 years - it has been a gradually increasing situation over the last 10-12 years I would say.
She will of course have her own points of view, but would certainly agree that the marriage has not been a happy one.

Thank you.

Apart from when trying to conceive, sex all but dried up completely. You then go on to say that it wasn't a happy marriage. You also said that she pestered you to get back together.

However, even though you settled, there was no sex and the marriage wasn't happy you had three children and stayed for 20 years.

You keep tripping yourself up because you've rewritten the relationship to suit your victim narrative.

You want to be seen as the selfless martyr, looking after his disabled wife. You don't want to leave and run off with your mistress as you'd be the bad guy. You might also stand to lose financially.

I can see your dilemma OP.

I would hope that would be true, but I do worry that you he opposite would be the case.
Points taken, although the sex issues predate the kids and it wasn't as simple as that with the finances either - the specifics were provable. These were just given as examples of a number of issues beleaguering the marriage.
Thank you.

Yes, point taken. This was just given as an example of a number of issues beleaguering the marriage, and certainly not put up as an excuse for the affair.

No, she doesn't know. True, but I nevertheless worry about the impact of that upon her.

I don't honestly know. She has always asked whether I'm seeing anyone else, from long before I actually was. So I don't think she actually knows, but probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yes, I would absolutely not leave it to the kids and would do everything I could to continue to help to support her. And yes, she absolutely deserves to be happy.
In that eventuality I think I would still be relieved.

I would absolutely do everything I could to continue to support her.

I'm clearly not going to convince you otherwise, but I haven't said anything inconsistent and haven't tripped myself up anywhere. Why does the fact we had children and stayed together mean that it can't have been an unhappy marriage? I already said that I began to feel more and more miserable over the last 10-12 years, which is after all the children came along.
No this is not about how I am seen by anyone. I genuinely care about my wife, do not wish to hurt her and am concerned about her ongoing care whatever happens. That is my dilemma.

If you genuinely cared about your wife and didn't want to hurt her, you wouldn't have a mistress.

I wish you all the best with your dilemma.

Touché.

Look - life is short and you only get one shot. Park the OW for now, do what you need to do to be happy and to make sure your wife and kids have the best opportunity for happiness- is that with you staying or leaving and setting them up financially / life long caring etc?
Don’t stay out of duty - that’s not fair on anyone. How can you handle this situation with the most grace and dignity for your wife and kids? What do you want life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years?

It is a certainly a dilemma & I can see how it must feel like you are trapped.
The reality is obviously you can leave but you will be seen as a total shit by everyone - your wife, your kids, her side of the family.

You just will & that can't be avoided especially if the news of the affair comes out.
You think your wife will just take it on the chin & not be surprised or devastated but she probably still will be & so will your kids.

I am not saying you shouldn't leave but I think you should accept that it won't be easy and you will definitely look like the bad guy for leaving your disabled wife & kids & for cheating on her.

I just think you need to be very prepared for the reality before you move on.
Get some counselling and advice on how to weather the inevitable storm and look into exactly how you can support your wife & family going forward before you act.

Of course you should leave. You're obviously incredibly weak as a person, so not sure how successful your new relationship will be, but I think it's the wrong decision for anyone to stay in a relationship where they're so unhappy.

Thank you. Time slipping away is another thing on my mind with all of this. I would certainly do my best to handle it with grace and dignity, but then the manner they would react is the somewhat unknown quantity. At the moment I can only wish to be properly together with my affair partner in the future, but of course wish to be on good terms with my wife and kids and for them to be happy.

Yes, trapped is exactly how I feel. I realise all of this and certainly expect them to be devastated.
Thank you, that is good advice.

Incredibly weak for not just leaving without a care for anyone else?

For apparently being a passenger in your own life for decades.

I can’t stand cheats - male or female. There’s no excuse. None.

Not sure I'd go along with that. I made choices. There's rather more to my character and the challenges I've faced than this issue and I'd say I'm pretty damn resilient actually.

Fair enough.