Has anyone else's partner had a sudden change after they gave birth?

[HP0]

Hello All
So to make this quick, been with him for 15 years. Incredible man, caring kind thoughtful helpful. Sweet wonderful soul.

We had a horrible emergency c section and the little one arrived early. I was alone that nigjt in hospital be had to be with animals. And i nwver got sleep. Partner decided to still work two days before going on leave. Then it was a holiday, gaming or popped out and more even a 24 hour gaming spree. And he never was a big gamer would play when I went to bed early.

I was left to clean, do washing for our child while holding the child, from 4 days after, and I still had to sign myself out I wasn't discharged. And just been that way, he will go to the guest room get 8-10 hours of sleep. First month I mostly only got 2-3. Now I'm getting a good four a night. Our baby has reflux and cries a lot from it (drs check him qll else is good, on meds but they say he has to outgrow it).
The baby needs to be held, and only in the past weeks will go down at night. Has to contact nap during the day. Just Been a lot, some days I can't even shower because I have no help, I won't let my DC scream for that time.
I have no family or friends around.

Just so surprised, it's like I've got an alien now living with me.
Anyways has anyone else experience a sudden change?

My DH and I had to feed our premature DC 10ml every hour when they first came home we took it turns.

When DH went back to work after 4 weeks DC was on 2 to 3 hourly feeds. As soon as DH walked in the door he got handed baby and I went to bed for a nap.

Your DH is not a good father or DH based on your descriptions of his actions.

Have you told him clearly what you expect?

You shouldn't have to spell it out, but maybe he's just stupid.

Tell him you're falling apart from lack of sleep and he needs to be taking over with the baby between X and Y times so you can wash and sleep.

Do not struggle on saying nothing.

This is insane. I'd have thrown the PS4 or whatever the fuck it is out of the window.

Unfortunately you are going to have to line manager him.

I used to think women i saw in my teens/20s who went round being martyrs were stupid twats making their own lives harder but when I had children I realised were pushed into stupid tropes by the patriarchy.

I can strongly empathise with martyrs now...

A lot of women's options are basically:

• The Nag, unfun and the only fucking adult in the room. ever.
• The hysterical woman, shouting and raging at the insane injustice / her unobservant DH
• The Martyr, holding the moral high ground...while grinding themselves into the ground by just stfu & doing it all themselves

@ScaredOfDinosaurs yes I have, we discussed everything during the pregnancy too. He was going to take over house responsibility to I could heal after birth. We had it all written done etc to make it easy.

He will send me information videos on how a mother needs more sleep then the father. But won't be available to help with that, he says I can nap. But they will be at times that aren't practical, I'm breastfeeding for example, so will be at that moment.

It's so strange to me, because it's never happen. With everything else we always been this amazing team. I've tried to see if he needs other support. He just doesn't like the baby phase, and wants DC to be a toddler. His attitude has also made me feel a certain way, that I'm now not wanting him to look after DC.

You need to stage an intervention NOW. He doesn’t seem to have grasped that things have changed. Is he nervous of the baby?

Do you communicate well? What do you say when he comes down from his full night of sleep? How does he announce he is off out or disappear to play games?

Sit him down. Tell him you’re recovering from a major operation and struggling and he needs to do better. Any spare time he has needs to be spent supporting you.

Sort this out now before you become yet another default parent with a man child. God this is depressing. One more job for you to do but it’s important.

Do you have family elsewhere? I would go home to mother (with the baby) for a bit, get some sleep and TLC.

Give him a shock, see what that does for him.

@livinglavida what a brilliant post. I thought I was a smart woman when I had my children but I still had to become the nag then the martyr. Spent ten years as the martyr before I finally left.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower
Hah I did threaten to wash it, and was told if I did he would buy a new one, which would cost us both money.

Yeah maybe this is my karma, for judging woman who were those things in my youth. I always wondered why they didn't communicate better, or handle things better. And now I've tried it all. And I don't have it in me to become the nag, said that to a friend early on. Just so surprised at.the change, and he wanted this, it took us longer because I wasn't ready at first.

I just focus on DC and make sure they not going without anything, that they have everything clean and nice and happy. I want a happy baby.

Sorry to hear you went though it too.

@Bigfish51so glad you had support. Hope your little one is doing fantastically now.

OP you have to speak up. You can’t go on like this and you can’t let this become the norm for you or him.

he needs to step up and be a parent, he doesn’t get to cherry pick at what stage he’s interested in being a parent.

I am sorry this is happening to you, what an awful way for him to tarnish this journey for you both.

@Changeissmall I think he might be in a way, he struggles with the baby. He is better with the dogs and cat. And will complain more about the baby. He will make comments that DC and rhe animals are all equals. Like all respect to animals love mine, but my baby comes first.

Honestly no I don't communicate well at all, I am way to soft. I will sit and write a letter witj everything, or have a chat and bring it all up in one go. Something I've had a psychologist held me put together. But in the moment, I'm like a mute I cqnt be that person who is like must be nice sleeping hey. Or go wake him. I just tried the sit down here is everything method.

It's rather depressing, I really didn't think he would be this guy. He is amazing with friends kids, he has alwqys Been that extra caring helpful type.

@HPO 19 now and in his second year of Uni. Has his DF’s temperament too.

I hope you can work through the need for your DH to step up and help more but you will have to let him too.

Learn how to Power Nap even a 30 min one really helps.

Re divorce I'm not there yet thankfully!!!!

But it has tested our marriage as like a thicko i thought <smug voice> weeeeee would be different and it would be 50/50... honestly since kids, I've never felt so unheard in my life.

I have periods oscillating mostly between nag and hysterical woman - its like my husband cannot understand what I am saying is important to me unless I have asked in various ways 10x or more and am now screaming and crying 😫😫😫

I reached my break point with that at some point and went into martyr mode which in not my usual MO... but it actually removes any arguing so I can see why it's an "attractive option" for women.

I dont understand how men dont understand it kills our love and respect for them. Slowly... every day... a bit dies...

My DH is 💯 a trier though and really has tried to lean in more. He does more than most husbands i know but its still not enough for my liking 😬😬😬
I also think as kids get bigger everything gets easier and pressure reduces in many ways.

Practically @HP0 make sure you sleep train at 6m or so and wean baby with high cal foods (homemade shepherd pie avocado etc... not Ella fucking kitchen which is 50% water and less than 100 cals per 100g)
Don't cook or wash for loser husband sort yourself and baby out.

@category12 I wish I could, my mother is in different country. And my little one doesn't have his passports and that yet. Hoping my mom will visit though.

@Bigfish51ahhh that's fantastic, congratulations.
Thanks, yeah I power nap if I manage to get DC down. Otherwise I'm to afraid to nap with him.contact napping. But he is getting older, so matter of time before he sleep better on his own.

If he has always been a great partner and you agreed on a plan and now he is acting like this. The first thing I thought was he is scared, maybe since you had a terrible section and now the baby is here. Why would he suddenly change ? I am not condoning his behaviour but it could be a reason why he is not acting himself. Scared at the time of losing you and the baby and now scared he can't look after the baby properly so he just stays away.. obviously this could be completely wrong but from what you are saying this is unusual behaviour from him. Sorry your going through this. You would need to speak up and talk to him about how he is feeling..ask him to watch the baby for a few hours while you.pop out. The baby won't bond with him if he is not interacting and in the future when the child doesn't want him for comfort etc it will upset him and he awfully tiring for you

I suggest to organise the passport asap and go. As a previous poster stated above - you only have poor options when he is like this: You beg, he ignores. As soon as you can, go elsewhere and state loudly to all who will listen that you had to leave as were becoming ill trying to cope ALONE and were desperate for help. Maybe good old fashioned shame will help. Go back only when that help is forthcoming and not before.

@Newmumburnout thanks for your insight, it's very possible. Its always good to tjink of different possibilities. I know he was terrified on the day, he passed out beforehand when they just put the needle in. If I think of some of his passing comments in this context it can make sense.

You might point out said husbands are on here in a few years wondering why their wives don't want to have sex with them any more. Or they could read the article ,'She left me because I left the dishes by the sink'.

I feel for you OP. Can you buy in some help? A cleaner (that he pays for). Or call your mum and explain you are struggling.

My ex did the same. He morphed into 1950s man while we were still in the maternity unit. I spent the next two years trying to persuade him to do his fair share before DS & I left. Ex never got up for baby in the night. Changed about 4 wet nappies in total.

I hope you are more successful. Be sure to use good contraception. Don't risk a second pregnancy.

Apply for baby's passport today. Expedite it if you can.

You need support otherwise you'll probably end up with severe PND, that takes so long to dig yourself out of.

How he's behaving is not normal or OK, and he needs a bloody good shake and kick up the arse.

What was he like for the first 15 years if you were ill?
Or in testing situations where he needed to step up, do something he didn't want to do or wasn't comfortable with?

His behaviour now is terrible and you can't let it go on.
Do you feel he listens and respects you?

Sounds like some relationship counselling together might help you with communicating and give space for him to express and process any concerns or worries.

But that's being generous to him as it does sound like he's selfishly checking out of the hard stuff.

God I hate men who make the post partum period all about themselves.

I agree. Get the passport. Go to family who care about you.

Ok when baby naps this afternoon, sit down both of you with a cup of tea and TALK. Say you need help. Suggest ways he can help. Suggest a weekly meeting when you both check in and share both your thoughts. Do it every Monday night. It can have categories - house, baby, food, work, pets.

if you both struggle with clear communication a weekly meeting will help so things don’t fester and also they are contained (no nagging and clear expectations)

Another here saying to get your baby’s passport.

Also - change your vocabulary. If you’re asking him for “help”, then the message you’re sending is that it’s entirely your job to parent your and his baby. But it’s his job too. So tell him you need to step up and start parenting.