Has anyone else's partner had a sudden change after they gave birth?

[HP0]

Hello All
So to make this quick, been with him for 15 years. Incredible man, caring kind thoughtful helpful. Sweet wonderful soul.

We had a horrible emergency c section and the little one arrived early. I was alone that nigjt in hospital be had to be with animals. And i nwver got sleep. Partner decided to still work two days before going on leave. Then it was a holiday, gaming or popped out and more even a 24 hour gaming spree. And he never was a big gamer would play when I went to bed early.

I was left to clean, do washing for our child while holding the child, from 4 days after, and I still had to sign myself out I wasn't discharged. And just been that way, he will go to the guest room get 8-10 hours of sleep. First month I mostly only got 2-3. Now I'm getting a good four a night. Our baby has reflux and cries a lot from it (drs check him qll else is good, on meds but they say he has to outgrow it).
The baby needs to be held, and only in the past weeks will go down at night. Has to contact nap during the day. Just Been a lot, some days I can't even shower because I have no help, I won't let my DC scream for that time.
I have no family or friends around.

Just so surprised, it's like I've got an alien now living with me.
Anyways has anyone else experience a sudden change?

He will get a shock if he thinks toddlers are easier… my 13mo is much more challenging than when he was a newborn!! Yes he woke to feed every couple of hours but apart from that he slept - now it’s impossible to get much done unless he is napping / in bed at night and my husband has to be as hands on as me. I give him a big spoon and a pan to bash so at least if I turn my back for a second to put the washing in the machine I know he is still where I left him!

I hate solutions that involve the person already struggling doing even more work (not having a go at people suggesting adult approaches, but a reasonable adult would not need telling that someone who's just given birth needs food, sleep and showers).

It doesn't really matter why he's doing it. OP needs to prioritise herself at the moment.

I'm sorry to ask this but was your partner "kind, caring, thoughtful and helpful" as long as you put him first?

I agree on the passport and going to your mums for a month or so.

They are surprisingly fast and baby ones are a doddle to do.

I don't disagree with anything previous posters have said and also think your partner needs to do more. I would add, though (and NOT to excuse the behaviour) that post natal depression can affect men, too and this could be a factor. My partner went through a phase (fortunately not when I had a newborn) when he was really stressed with work during COVID, of gaming more than they ever had before. In from work, headphones on and staring at a screen for hours on end. It drove me mad and was very nearly the end of the relationship. I agree that it drives you unfairly to either nag or martyrdom.

Breastfeeding doesn't necessarily mean that the sleep/wakes need to be completely imbalanced, depending on how quickly you can both get back to sleep. We had a system where the baby was on the other side of the bed to me. When they woke up, I'd be passed the baby and feed them while partner slept and then partner burped and settled while I went back to sleep. Sometimes that took as long as the feed, sometimes longer, sometimes only a minute or two.

I agree with the suggestion of staying with your Mum for a month but would say that doing that you could end up in a situation where your partner doesn't bond with the baby which could make it harder further down the line. As a previous posters said, toddlers can be really hard work and that won't be helped if parenting has already become mainly your responsibility, the child won't listen/settle with your partner or the partner is just disengaged from it's needs.

Hard to pass the baby to someone who's buggered off on holiday or who's doing a 24 hour gaming marathon though?

Behaviour is communication and this behaviour communicates I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS (for whatever reason, good or bad).

I mean, if they both took that approach the baby would die, right?

Honestly? This behaviour would make me fall out of love with him. He is a shit father and a shit partner.

You will find that once you are out of the small baby stage, you won't need him any more. He is deliberately avoiding building an unbreakable bond with his own child. He's a selfish arsehole and he deserves to lose you and his child.

You need to have a serious conversation to find out what’s wrong. Men can really struggle with having a newborn but he needs to step up and get help if necessary.

It’s very easy for us to say ‘id leave him’ but that isn’t exactly going to help op who presumably loves this person enough to have a baby. Work out how to talk and become parents together - it might just work out fine

It might.

It can also be better to cut your losses sometimes.

OP, if you are still reading then make sure you don't get pregnant again while this is resolved one way or the other!

Look at it this way: one of your mother duties is to learn how to speak up for yourself because it is in direct benefit of the baby. Baby won’t be happy with an exhausted, resentful mom and a dad who refuses to even tey to bond.

Suggest ti him small steps if you wish - he takes baby for 30 minutes at first and then ramp up. But talk to him and do not let him hide away from his duties.

You are on a very slippery slope already thinking hecan’t do it. If you both think that, it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. He can only learn through practice, there’s no other way.

Poor you, this sounds horrible. As your husband is of no use at least at the moment, please take care of yourself. Get some help organised now and deal with the husband later. If you’re fit for travelling, I’d get the babies passport sorted (should take less than 2 weeks) and organise staying with your mum. In the meantime, try and get a nanny for a couple of afternoons per week to help you.