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Original poster

Partners Family Talk About the Ex

44 replies

Yogabearr · 17/04/2025 22:29

I've had lots of issues with my partner being stuck in a custody battle, to the point where I've had to tell him to stop repeating the same thing every day. It involves talking about how well he treated the ex and how awful she has been. There's truth in that. So on holiday with my family he starts talking about it and how well he treated her. I felt hurt about the past again. Then recently we were away with his parents and between them keep mentioning her negatively, they'd chime in with "oh you went there with her didn't you?" to my partner. And other stories about sleeping with air con on involving her. I was hurt he didn't shut this down and added to the conversation. Is it me who's being irrational by feeling disrespected?

OP posts:
Seagreensmokeyblue · 17/04/2025 22:35

Well he must be pretty tone deaf if he can't see how continually talking about her , and specifically how good he was to her, is insensitive to say the least. Hardly likely to make you feel valued.
And it's pretty poor for his family to keep bringing her up.
You don't say how long you have been together OP.but I get the impression his ex is always going to cast a long shadow over your relationship. Perhaps you might be better finishing things now because I don't think.the issue with his ex will go away.

Original poster
Yogabearr · 17/04/2025 22:54

Nearly a couple of years. And yet to meet the kids because of the ongoing court battles. So that's another avenue. Even as I was going through an ectopic he reminded me that the maternity unit was where he'd been before with his children. Again, I don't know if that's me overreacting. The fact the he has told me he financially did everything yet with me is 50/50 also makes me feel a certain way.

OP posts:
Seagreensmokeyblue · 18/04/2025 03:09

Well he actually sounds a bitter man who is consumed with resentment against his ex and who is " not over" his past life at all.

And if you ever do get to meet his children I can see that bringing a whole new lot of problems into the mix.

It just seems not fair on you at all to have every aspect of your life with him determined and influenced by his past with her.

Notsosure1 · 18/04/2025 03:39

You should probably tell him outright - he’s obsessed. He may take that to mean in a positive/sexual way and deny it, and accuse you of being jealous or insecure but point out how often he and his family bring her up - it’s unnecessary and bizarre and totally disrespectful to his relationship with you.

When he mentions her maybe keep a stock phrase or word to highlight the frequency, or ridiculous as it sounds, keep a tally if it’s daily and tell him what it is at the end of the week.

Tell him you don’t care if he’s speaking negatively about her, you’re fed up of hearing her being mentioned at all. He has every right to discuss matters that are troubling him regarding divorce or custody but to continue to harp on about her when you’re on holiday etc is not normal.

I can see how you’re in an awkward position regarding his parents, especially if you can’t rely on him to have a quiet word bc he doesn’t actually get it himself, but you need to make it clear how much this is bothering you especially as it’s been going on for so long - it sounds like it is unlikely to ever stop at this rate! Maybe he needs to keep it to just his parents or even counselling to vent and get out of his system - he shouldn’t be doing it to you all the time. Good luck

category12 · 18/04/2025 06:44

You don't have to be with someone who'd rather rant about his ex than be present with you.

Other men are available.

Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 10:28

Thank you all. I have raised the issues, but I get the feeling he thinks I'm overreacting because everyone talks about their past apparently. But this is too much. I'm glad other women can see this too, it makes it clearer in my mind. Sometimes it's harder when you're in the thick of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 10:30

Yes, I agree.

OP posts:
Chaseandstatus · 18/04/2025 11:43

Why are you with him? I wouldn’t be in a relationship like that.

Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 15:14

Because, like with most relationships, it's complex and there's good points too. But I'm doubting my own boundaries and need to reaffirm the situation.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 15:15

Yogabearr · 17/04/2025 22:54

Nearly a couple of years. And yet to meet the kids because of the ongoing court battles. So that's another avenue. Even as I was going through an ectopic he reminded me that the maternity unit was where he'd been before with his children. Again, I don't know if that's me overreacting. The fact the he has told me he financially did everything yet with me is 50/50 also makes me feel a certain way.

Fool me once shame on you....

HunsandRoses · 18/04/2025 15:18

It doesn't sound like he's actually ready to be in a new relationship because he's still so heavily involved in the old one.

How long after breaking up from his ex did you meet? it's possible he jumped into dating too quickly without processing the break up properly.

Blueuggboots · 18/04/2025 15:25

I would be making a very clear statement that I didn’t care how well he treated her, and that perhaps, if he was as tone deaf with her as he clearly is with you, that he might soon have two ex’s to talk about?!!

Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 15:29

2 years after. Youre possibly right.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 18/04/2025 17:29

Blueuggboots · 18/04/2025 15:25

I would be making a very clear statement that I didn’t care how well he treated her, and that perhaps, if he was as tone deaf with her as he clearly is with you, that he might soon have two ex’s to talk about?!!

Brilliant 👏🏻

FeistyFrankie · 18/04/2025 17:36

He isn't over her. That's the only reason for the continuous mentioning of her.

yeesh · 18/04/2025 17:42

I couldn’t put up with this crap. He’s obsessed with another woman, even thinking of her when you were in hospital. Do his good points make up for this and all the drama he brings? You haven’t even met his children yet so that will involve more drama and talking about his ex

Ilovelurchers · 18/04/2025 17:50

He's probably talking about her a lot because he is locked in a custody battle with her. As his future relationship with his children to a large extent depends on it's outcome, I have to say I don't blame him for being obsessed with the situation. If I was fighting for access to my daughter I would be unable to put this out of my mind, and I imagine may talk about it excessively.....

This does not mean you have to like it, or put up with it necessarily. You can leave anyone, at any time, for any reason. And it may indeed be that this is not a good time for him to be getting into a new relationship, as perhaps he needs to be totally focused on fighting for his kids for how.

It depends whether you love him enough to stand by him through this, and tolerate these difficulties. You are in no way obliged to and nobody would judge you if you walked away now.

But I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to put the issue aside in order to consider your feelings. The issue is his future with his kids - I am sure it's more important to him than anything else in the world, including you - and quite rightly so.

Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 20:06

Ilovelurchers · 18/04/2025 17:50

He's probably talking about her a lot because he is locked in a custody battle with her. As his future relationship with his children to a large extent depends on it's outcome, I have to say I don't blame him for being obsessed with the situation. If I was fighting for access to my daughter I would be unable to put this out of my mind, and I imagine may talk about it excessively.....

This does not mean you have to like it, or put up with it necessarily. You can leave anyone, at any time, for any reason. And it may indeed be that this is not a good time for him to be getting into a new relationship, as perhaps he needs to be totally focused on fighting for his kids for how.

It depends whether you love him enough to stand by him through this, and tolerate these difficulties. You are in no way obliged to and nobody would judge you if you walked away now.

But I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to put the issue aside in order to consider your feelings. The issue is his future with his kids - I am sure it's more important to him than anything else in the world, including you - and quite rightly so.

I agree with you. I would not respect a man that put me over their children. But to the same degree, I think it's unnecessary to talk about the ex rather than kids, especially on holidays etc. I need to have a real think about my boundaries with him that he oversteps.

OP posts:
Loadsapandas · 18/04/2025 21:08

IMO you are over an ex when you are indifferent to them.

If it was just about the court case he wouldn’t be reminiscing over the other stuff.

I’m also always dubious about men who say they did X in previous relationship yet do Y in another (ie he provided for her, if that’s even true, but 50:50 for you).

From what you’ve said, you’re boundaries are a moot point, he is obsessed with her and still will be even if you get him to stop talking about her.

in short, this isn’t a healthy relationship and I’d end it.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 18/04/2025 21:41

Another saying they’d end it.

The hospital thing alone would have me kicking up a stink and packing a bag. You’re not even fighting his mentionitis but all the ILs?

IF you get past all of that, imagine all the problems when you meet the kids and how much he bangs on about her then.

you deserve more than this

Original poster
Yogabearr · 18/04/2025 21:57

His response was 'well, I DID go here with my other children, I know the way around the hospital', so I was made to feel as though I was making an issue out of it. Imo he could've not said anything. But I pictured his live children with his ex compared to me losing one. My mind hasn't been straight since and this is clouding my judgements too.

OP posts:
HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 18/04/2025 22:04

Your judgment isn’t clouded. That’s your gut saying “nahhhh. Red flag”

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 18/04/2025 22:05

And I agree, he 100% just could have not mentioned it or anything other bloody thing he’s done with her or treated her and all the rest of it.

not your job to teach him manners no emotional intelligence though. Besides, sounds like he doesn’t want to be a pupil.

RentalWoesNotFun · 18/04/2025 22:11

I think a bit of space would be helpful for you both.

Im sorry for the loss of your baby. That must be really sad for you on top of what is a difficult situation.

It feels like he should maybe concentrate on the custody battle as he’s not mentally free to deal with another relationship just now and is unconsciously hurting you, as are his family.

None of them maybe get what it feels like to be in your shoes, constantly hearing oh ex did this, ex was here, ex was there, ex paid for blah. I just think the timing isn’t good for your relationship as he’s still in the last one In his headspace so he isn’t really free to date you as he’s busy fighting her. Sorry OP. I’d call it a day

LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 22:16

Seagreensmokeyblue · 18/04/2025 03:09

Well he actually sounds a bitter man who is consumed with resentment against his ex and who is " not over" his past life at all.

And if you ever do get to meet his children I can see that bringing a whole new lot of problems into the mix.

It just seems not fair on you at all to have every aspect of your life with him determined and influenced by his past with her.

This.

He's so "wronged" by her, that every other woman is now "not going to get the better of him" and all that crap. He's learned his lesson etc etc.

You aren't supposed to put up with this shit you know. It's like he's got such contempt for women now that he likes to point out how generous he was but "woman" ruined that for you, so now you'll get far less, deservedly so. And if you don't like it, blame "woman" not him of course.