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Original poster

Late middle aged (new) relationships

29 replies

mnmnddddd · 17/04/2025 19:03

Everyone i know who has successfully settled down with a 2nd life-partner, post divorce, has done so in their 30s or 40s.

Everyone i know who's got divorced and empty-nested in their 50s, is single and settled in their own home which they love, with their own circle of friends who are important to them, and has a routine of book-club on Monday, yoga class on Tuesday, knitting circle on Wednesday, SCUBA club on Thursday, girls' (or boys') night out on Friday, there's Strictly on Saturday, and Sunday is for family BBQs. Because that's what being 50something is. Right?
And all the divorced 50something singletons I know basically want to be in a full time relationship, with happily ever after, but couldn't imagine giving up any of what they have.
And I'm probably guilty of all that.

The problem is, if we don't want to give up what we've got and the lives we've built, and neither does anyone else in our demographic, surely we're all doomed to die alone ... except for our 15 cats.

Discuss.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 17/04/2025 19:59

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Cookiebix · 17/04/2025 20:05

I live the life you describe but have a DP. We don't live together and never will but he's definitely there for me in a crisis, in the way that DH was.

Getting old/sick alone does worry me, having seen DH die a slow painful death, that would have been even worse if he hadn't had me (or someone) to care for and advocate for him.

NessieDoesExistYes · 17/04/2025 21:16

If you're too self centred to share your life then yes, you will live alone, unless you compromise by being together, but living apart.

I do know people who have got together later in life. One man (married for the first time at 50 after a couple of long relationships that didn't work out - not married or living with the women.)

Another man, twice divorced, moved and jointly bought a home with a new partner when over 60.

A friend married again at 50+, sold her home and moved into her man's (she was widowed and so was he.)

A relative of mine moved in with a man when she was in her early 60s. (Rented out her own home. ) It didn't work long term but that's because of who he was, not their ages.

It's called compromise.

On the other hand I don't know anyone with the social life you describe - it sounds too much if someone is working full time.

Most women do die alone as they outlive men.
My parents were married for 70 years but my mum is now on her own.

Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 06:10

Cookiebix · 17/04/2025 20:05

I live the life you describe but have a DP. We don't live together and never will but he's definitely there for me in a crisis, in the way that DH was.

Getting old/sick alone does worry me, having seen DH die a slow painful death, that would have been even worse if he hadn't had me (or someone) to care for and advocate for him.

Don't live together and never will? I guess that's the problem for me. (Not a criticism of your choices!) I do want to live with someone. It just seems to me that, by the time most people get to their 50s, it's harder to make two lives fit together without bigger sacrifices than 30yrs earlier.

The paradox is that I've built a busy life post-divorce as a way of dealing with the loneliness, and I suspect that's not unusual. And whilst building busy, interesting, social lives is great, it's not exactly compatible with finding a nesting partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 06:25

NessieDoesExistYes · 17/04/2025 21:16

If you're too self centred to share your life then yes, you will live alone, unless you compromise by being together, but living apart.

I do know people who have got together later in life. One man (married for the first time at 50 after a couple of long relationships that didn't work out - not married or living with the women.)

Another man, twice divorced, moved and jointly bought a home with a new partner when over 60.

A friend married again at 50+, sold her home and moved into her man's (she was widowed and so was he.)

A relative of mine moved in with a man when she was in her early 60s. (Rented out her own home. ) It didn't work long term but that's because of who he was, not their ages.

It's called compromise.

On the other hand I don't know anyone with the social life you describe - it sounds too much if someone is working full time.

Most women do die alone as they outlive men.
My parents were married for 70 years but my mum is now on her own.

Edited

I'm not sure i see it as self centred. I think it's more nuanced than that. I actively want to share my world and someone elses. I actively want to have someone to come/go home to and who wants to come home to me.

Having spoken to single friends and dates, I don't think I'm unusual in that, having spent a couple of years rebuilding a life and a home after 20ish years of marriage and parenting, especially when there has been betrayal and rejection, there is a tendency to want to hang onto that which we've invested in emotionally.

Maybe I just need to move in your social circle. It sounds more promising than mine. 🤣

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 18/04/2025 06:44

I guess you are going to have to fit in dating and see what happens. Otherwise no, I don’t think, Mr Perfect nesting partner is going to knock on your door desperately wanting to greet you coming back from knitting club.

Why not try putting a usual profile online?

Looking for a date who already has a full life, one intellectual club a week, one exercise day, one craft club, I don’t know what SCUBA is unless it’s underwater looking for fish, one adventurous club, a night to meet friends, likes a day at weekend to catch up with tv and family commitments Sunday.

See who bites?

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 18/04/2025 06:49

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It is so irritating. You wonder if the OPs who do it conduct RL conversations in the same way.

MaxTalk · 18/04/2025 06:54

Yep it ain't going to happen. People are stuck in their ways so much harder to make it work.

And let's be honest, plenty of relationships are miserable...

hattie43 · 18/04/2025 07:27

My friends are 50’60’s and all divorced or widowed , all leading very full lives and none wanting a man in the home ever again . Anyway Have you seen the gene pool of older men , gone to seed and act so much older than their years . Not appealing .

TheHistorian · 18/04/2025 07:28

I have successfully settled down with a 2nd partner post divorce in my 50s and have all the activities you describe. I don't think it's impossible or you need to sacrifice your independence to have both.

Powderblue1 · 18/04/2025 07:35

My mum was in your situation. She did meet a DP and they both lived separately and this worked for them. Later around age 60 they both got diagnosed with cancer on the same week. Thankfully they both survived but it did make them think more practically around their relationship and they eventually married and lived together.

SilverButton · 18/04/2025 07:50

I know three couples who got together in their 60s and seem very happy (happier than in their first long term marriage). It can happen at any age OP.

NessieDoesExistYes · 18/04/2025 07:55

mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 06:25

I'm not sure i see it as self centred. I think it's more nuanced than that. I actively want to share my world and someone elses. I actively want to have someone to come/go home to and who wants to come home to me.

Having spoken to single friends and dates, I don't think I'm unusual in that, having spent a couple of years rebuilding a life and a home after 20ish years of marriage and parenting, especially when there has been betrayal and rejection, there is a tendency to want to hang onto that which we've invested in emotionally.

Maybe I just need to move in your social circle. It sounds more promising than mine. 🤣

Show quote history

I think you have to accept that you can't have it all ways.

No one would disagree that as we get older, we become set in our ways and it is harder to share our space/home with someone else. People aren't looking at life through rose tinted specs any more, or in the first flush of love, and know that sharing a home is hard work.

You're not really saying anything that 90% of people would agree with. And mainly women, because on the whole men tend to be less domesticated and do less housework in a relationship at any age.

It's not about which social circle anyone is in but your mindset.
If you want to share a home and life, you have to accept there will be compromises and it won't be 'perfect'.

That's why older couples do sometimes retain their own homes and stay with each other for part of the week.

Maybe you need to keep an open mind? You never know who may come along. You might fall in love and decide to live separately, or be very grown up about moving in together but with honest expectations of the downside as well as the upside.

For example Judi Dench has been with her partner David for years , since her early 70s, but they each keep their own homes.

WinterFoxes · 18/04/2025 08:01

mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 06:10

Don't live together and never will? I guess that's the problem for me. (Not a criticism of your choices!) I do want to live with someone. It just seems to me that, by the time most people get to their 50s, it's harder to make two lives fit together without bigger sacrifices than 30yrs earlier.

The paradox is that I've built a busy life post-divorce as a way of dealing with the loneliness, and I suspect that's not unusual. And whilst building busy, interesting, social lives is great, it's not exactly compatible with finding a nesting partner.

Show quote history

I don't see how that routine is incompatible with living with someone. You'd spend all weekend together. Ditch Strictly for some nights out on Saturday, tag along to each other's friends and family BBQs on Sunday. Yoga or Zumba doesn't take all evening - plenty of time either side of it to hang out. Book club is usually once a month. You could do SCUBA together etc. I don't think having a partner replaces a full life, it is part of it.

UneasyMe · 18/04/2025 10:33

I never knew that SCUBA was an acronym. Thanks OP!

Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 11:23

hattie43 · 18/04/2025 07:27

My friends are 50’60’s and all divorced or widowed , all leading very full lives and none wanting a man in the home ever again . Anyway Have you seen the gene pool of older men , gone to seed and act so much older than their years . Not appealing .

I find that social narrative quite depressing.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 18/04/2025 11:31

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Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 11:32

NessieDoesExistYes · 18/04/2025 07:55

I think you have to accept that you can't have it all ways.

No one would disagree that as we get older, we become set in our ways and it is harder to share our space/home with someone else. People aren't looking at life through rose tinted specs any more, or in the first flush of love, and know that sharing a home is hard work.

You're not really saying anything that 90% of people would agree with. And mainly women, because on the whole men tend to be less domesticated and do less housework in a relationship at any age.

It's not about which social circle anyone is in but your mindset.
If you want to share a home and life, you have to accept there will be compromises and it won't be 'perfect'.

That's why older couples do sometimes retain their own homes and stay with each other for part of the week.

Maybe you need to keep an open mind? You never know who may come along. You might fall in love and decide to live separately, or be very grown up about moving in together but with honest expectations of the downside as well as the upside.

For example Judi Dench has been with her partner David for years , since her early 70s, but they each keep their own homes.

Show quote history

I didn't know about Judi Dench's domestic arrangements, but I guess she and I just don't want the same things from life.

In terms or what we're prepared to give up, I think for me it's mostly about physical location. Being prepared to relocate 30 or 40 miles away, greatly increases one's options for meeting someone, but also means having to find a different knitting circle and SCUBA club. I'm genuinely surprised that people 50 and up are prepared to sacrifice so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 11:33

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Thaks for your contribution.

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Original poster
mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 11:33

UneasyMe · 18/04/2025 10:33

I never knew that SCUBA was an acronym. Thanks OP!

My work here is done. 🤣

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 18/04/2025 11:38

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Gymbunny2025 · 18/04/2025 12:14

UneasyMe · 18/04/2025 10:33

I never knew that SCUBA was an acronym. Thanks OP!

What does it stand for?!

NorthernDancer · 18/04/2025 12:19

Self contained underwater breathing apparatus or something very similar, but possibly not in this context?

NessieDoesExistYes · 18/04/2025 13:04

mnmnddddd · 18/04/2025 11:32

I didn't know about Judi Dench's domestic arrangements, but I guess she and I just don't want the same things from life.

In terms or what we're prepared to give up, I think for me it's mostly about physical location. Being prepared to relocate 30 or 40 miles away, greatly increases one's options for meeting someone, but also means having to find a different knitting circle and SCUBA club. I'm genuinely surprised that people 50 and up are prepared to sacrifice so much.

Show quote history

It's not clear what you want! Dame Judi clearly has a very active life and is still working at 90. I doubt she goes to a knitting club.

You sound set in your ways. I don't understand why you're mentioning moving 30 miles away- assume you have a small pool of single men where you are?
Are you saying you can't find any men where you live?

I have known people who in their 60s upped sticks and moved 100s of miles away and found a new knitting club (haha) or whatever hobbies they had in their new location to be with someone they've met.

It's your mindset- people don't think of changes as 'sacrifices' at 50+- they see it as new adventure.

If your knitting club and scuba club (is that scuba diving or an acronym?) are the be-all and end-all, I don't think you're got the mindset to meet anyone - you're stuck in many ways.

Original poster
mnmnddddd · 19/04/2025 07:38

NorthernDancer · 18/04/2025 12:19

Self contained underwater breathing apparatus or something very similar, but possibly not in this context?

Yes, SCUBA is diving. It's no more a contextual euphemism than knitting, yoga or book club.

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