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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separation advice

29 replies

haveiwokenup · 15/04/2025 22:18

Posting here for the hope of more traffic!

I posted not so long ago that my husband and I were having a few difficulties. I’ve not felt the same way about him for some time, and I’ve struggled to come to terms with that myself mainly because we’ve recently moved house and have a 3 year old.
Things came to a head today and I basically told him how I was not happy (again, had this conversation a couple of months ago). He’s taken it pretty badly, wants to try counselling and I’m not sure if I want that. I’ve felt this way for a couple of years and we have tried. But I just can’t help feeling so bloody awful. I feel like I’ve destroyed him and ripped his life from under his feet. But also for our 3 year old. I feel like a terrible person.
There's lots of talking to do, and for now he’s moved into the spare room but he’s said this has come as a shock and we both need to figure out what we want.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this or what I hope to gain from it, but if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d love to know if it got easier, what happened etc I’ve often thought would it be better to just trundle along for the sake of not ripping apart my family in the hope things will get better. But I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do 😢

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 22:31

Why aren't you happy?

Mrsmouse71 · 15/04/2025 22:33

What sort of difficulties?

Whynotaxthisyear · 15/04/2025 22:40

Please try counselling together. You need to talk, and counselling would help you do that, whether or not you decide to stay together. If you are going to separate, it will be easier if you can communicate well about the details, and bear in mind what you still have in common - a wish to make things as easy as possible for your child, and hopefully the same wish for each other too.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 15/04/2025 22:45

What makes you unhappy?
My separation was the best thing to happen but I do know people who have had regrets. There's no harm in trying counseling

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 20/04/2025 20:39

Thank you everyone for your replies and sorry for my late response. As you can imagine, the last few days have been fairly stressful.

To answer a few questions, DH and I have been together for 12 years, but the last few years have been a struggle particularly for me. I had pnd and he put work before me, I felt alone and low down his list of priorities. There’s also zero attraction on my part, I don’t find him physically or sexually attractive and haven’t done for the best part of our relationship if I’m completely honest. I recoil when he makes a move on me, so we haven’t got much of a sex life. I try for his sake but there’s nothing there for me. He can also be a bit controlling which has recently been brought to light. Finances particularly, but often makes me feel guilty for going out with friends or my mum as he’s having to babysit. Although he would never stop me.

I’m feeling so selfish, he’s hurt and wants to try and save our marriage and if I’m honest I think he’s trying to guilt trip me into trying again. I feel bad for our 3 year old, this isn’t what I wanted for her. But equally I’m 35 and wish to find that connection with someone. Do I want it to be him? Potentially, it would make my life easier but im
not sure that side will come back.

Would love to hear peoples stories, and if anyone has been in a similar situation and what happened.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/04/2025 20:45

I wouldn't be going to counselling feeling like that (zero attraction, control issues etc). You know how you feel and don't feel about him. Trust yourself. He can't make you stay in a relationship that you don't want.

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 20:49

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I recoil from. You have fallen out of love and it's time to move on.

Sheepsheeps · 20/04/2025 20:54

Zero attraction = no relationship I'm afraid. The moment someone catches your eye (and this will happen) your head will be turned and you'll feel this amazing buzz that your husband does not give you. You'll then be torn between loyalty to your husband resulting in resentment, an affair or leaving him later down the line anyway.
I'm sorry but as much as you feel guilty, be kind to yourself and fair to him. You both deserve to be with someone that loves you back.

Mmhmmn · 20/04/2025 21:00

I'd also add that if he is manipulative and controlling, and desperate to keep you but the feeling's not mutual, he may twist counselling sessions so you end up more confused. But I wouldn't even go given the complete lack of attraction and serious ick.

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 20/04/2025 22:24

Do you think it’s possible to get the attraction back?

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 20/04/2025 22:32

Yes but you have to want to save the relationship you sound like you do not want too. Remember the grass is not always greener (unless you have someone else in mind?). Also do you only want to see you 3 year old 3/4 times a week- sorry but just putting an alternative/reality slant on your situation.

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 20/04/2025 22:36

Freeme31 · 20/04/2025 22:32

Yes but you have to want to save the relationship you sound like you do not want too. Remember the grass is not always greener (unless you have someone else in mind?). Also do you only want to see you 3 year old 3/4 times a week- sorry but just putting an alternative/reality slant on your situation.

This is why I’m feeling so selfish, this isn’t what I wanted for my daughter

OP posts:
GivingUpFinally · 20/04/2025 22:39

No you can't attraction back imo. Once it's gone, thats it. You either have to accept it and he does too amd make it work somehow or its time to move on.

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 22:52

haveiwokenup · 20/04/2025 22:24

Do you think it’s possible to get the attraction back?

There’s also zero attraction on my part, I don’t find him physically or sexually attractive and haven’t done for the best part of our relationship

You haven't found him attractive for years and recoil when he comes near you, so it's unlikely.

Freeme31 · 20/04/2025 23:20

“This is why I’m feeling so selfish, this isn’t what I wanted for my daughter”
Then yes you have to address your selfishness and learn to deal/cope with that. You can’t have it all ways. Im just trying to point out the reality yes your being selfish and you are putting your needs first but that’s ok but you have to live with the consequences of that. I don’t know if you can rekindle your love for him but as you say you have tried your very best so give up let him find someone who appreciates him, that’s also fair on him too it’s not just about you. Yes your daughter/son will grow up with multiple patents but if they all love her then she will be fine. If you have given tjis your best shot & feel you can’t do any more reality is your selfish will have consequences so unfortunately this lies with you is the reality. Have you met someone else/have someone else in mind?

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 21/04/2025 09:43

No there is no one else!!

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 21/04/2025 09:49

I think you can get attraction back if you had it in the first place and if you otherwise feel love and connection with someone. The years after having a child take a huge toll on a relationship and it can take real effort to get back to feeling like a couple.

That said though, I don't think you can make attraction where there wasn't much to begin with or when you have lost the love and respect for someone. Counselling might help you both work out which of these it is for you and help you communicate better as you decide on the next steps.

AlertCat · 21/04/2025 09:49

We went to Relate after I had left my ex. There was no going back but it made me feel validated and heard. He had a few surprises as the counsellor didn’t go along with his narrative/conclusions.

It might help to go, as your H might understand his part in these problems and you might be able to clarify your own thoughts. It doesn’t mean you’re staying but it might help the separation to be easier for all of you.

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 21/04/2025 12:43

Thanks everyone. I feel like I need to take some time apart, just to try and clear my head. He can be controlling and his guilt tripping is making me doubt my decision, which is of course what he wants. I think maybe some space for a week or so will help the fog clear and help me think straight.
Counselling sounds like a good option, I don’t want to give him false hope, but maybe this is more down to depression for me I just don’t know.

On paper we have the perfect life, and I think he thinks that in his head too but we both know there’s major cracks!

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 21/04/2025 13:01

Yes OP you do sound selfish, but life is short and we only have one life.
Personally I would try counselling because a child is involved but it takes two to make a marriage work and your H needs to own his behaviour is impacting your relationship.
Get a job , if you aren’t working and regain some independence, also he needs to step up with childcare and sharing the load.
The grass isn’t greener out there in dateland and marriage is hard work . Nether path is easy

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 21/04/2025 13:16

@Pumpkinpie1i do work, I work 2 jobs and work my bloody arse off!

OP posts:
Original poster
haveiwokenup · 28/04/2025 10:52

Just an update, we have decided to try counselling - thanks for your advice. I’m not sure it will help with my attraction issues but I think we both deserve to give it our best shot.

However, on talking to my husband he has said if we aren’t going to be together, he wants me out of the house whilst he finishes renovating as he wouldn’t be able to live with me if we split. I’ve told him I wouldn’t be leaving but he can’t stand the thought of us living together whilst getting the house finished ready to sell. Where do I stand with this? I think I need to speak to a solicitor don’t I?

OP posts:
GiantSaucepan · 28/04/2025 12:02

I’m pleased you’ve agreed to counselling.

Do you own the house jointly? If so, he can’t make you leave. And you can’t make him leave.

Original poster
haveiwokenup · 28/04/2025 13:07

GiantSaucepan · 28/04/2025 12:02

I’m pleased you’ve agreed to counselling.

Do you own the house jointly? If so, he can’t make you leave. And you can’t make him leave.

Yes we do, joint ownership

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 28/04/2025 13:19

OP, I don’t think you’re selfish. By all means explore counselling but listen to your gut at all times. He does seem controlling and this is maybe why you haven’t been feeling attracted to him-your body is telling you something. He’s already warning you that if counselling doesn’t work you have to leave immediately? He can’t force you to move out. You take the time you need. So many women are forced to stay with abusive partners longer than they would like to because they can’t just kick them out of the house the second the relationship ends. I don’t think you’re being abusive to him, so unfortunately it can’t be on his terms. Yes it’s awful to be stuck in a house with someone after you have broken up, many of us have been there. You suck it up until arrangements can be made.