Separation advice

[haveiwokenup]

Posting here for the hope of more traffic!

I posted not so long ago that my husband and I were having a few difficulties. I’ve not felt the same way about him for some time, and I’ve struggled to come to terms with that myself mainly because we’ve recently moved house and have a 3 year old.
Things came to a head today and I basically told him how I was not happy (again, had this conversation a couple of months ago). He’s taken it pretty badly, wants to try counselling and I’m not sure if I want that. I’ve felt this way for a couple of years and we have tried. But I just can’t help feeling so bloody awful. I feel like I’ve destroyed him and ripped his life from under his feet. But also for our 3 year old. I feel like a terrible person.
There's lots of talking to do, and for now he’s moved into the spare room but he’s said this has come as a shock and we both need to figure out what we want.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this or what I hope to gain from it, but if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d love to know if it got easier, what happened etc I’ve often thought would it be better to just trundle along for the sake of not ripping apart my family in the hope things will get better. But I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do 😢

An update as I could do with more advice from my lovely mumsnetters!

We’ve had lots of discussions lately on how to move forward and decided this week we will both be taking a few days away alone to clear our heads. I’ve bought the book should I stay or should I go, thanks to recommendations on here and been doing some online worksheets regarding relationships etc.

However this weekend he went out with my best friends husband, who went to pick them up and what she told me has disgusted me. He was calling me all sorts of names, life’s a bitch then you marry one, said he wanted to sleep with one of my friends (in quite disgusting detail about what he wanted to do to her), and has kept screenshots of an “emotional affair” I had a few years ago to divorce me on the grounds of adultery. I say emotional affair lightly, we kissed once and knew what we did was wrong - he however went to my mum and told her etc it was all very nasty at the time but we have worked hard since then to improve our marriage. Clearly this hasn’t worked!

But the thing that’s really upset me - my dad has given me some money recently and I was looking at booking a family holiday for us all, or putting it towards the house to renovate. He’s quite happy for me to pay for holidays etc I pay for them all despite him being on £30k more than me.
The other night he told my friends husband he’s come into some money, not quite enough to buy me out but a good amount. He’s not mentioned a thing to me. And is quite happy for me to use my savings or family money to pay for things for us, whilst he keeps this in his back pocket.
He’s also been looking at moving a few hours away, which I found out about after a little snooping today.

What the hell happened to the person I married? Where do I go from here? We have a 3 year old together, is he not thinking about her?! I just don’t know who this person is anymore. Is this because he’s hurt?

Probably the 'talk' with your best mates husband was bravado. Man do talk differently when they are alone, drinking and out of earshot of their wives.

But - I do feel that when the spark has gone, its gone. Looking online at properties might just be him seeing what's out there, knowing what might happen with the two of you.

I separated from my husband in March this year. I had been miserable for some time. We co-existed, we didn't live. I was turning 50 last year and decided that I needed to start living my life before it was over, and I started researching houses and seeing what was out there, trying to work out budgets etc .... Maybe your husband knows that the time is nigh?

I hope you are OK and I hope you have support. I had my parents as my support system, but I found it difficult to talk to them about certain things, like the fact that I hadn't slept with my husband for 3yrs prior to separation.

Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear your situation - I hope you are happier now!

I do have support, my mum doesn’t quite understand and thinks we need to muddle on for our daughter, and quite frankly tells me this is life. I however want more from my life.

Thankfully I have fantastic friends around me who are a good support system.

I think what hurts the most is the money. I pay for most of our holidays, days out etc despite him earning triple my salary. He’s quite happy to let me use my savings, family money to pay for things yet he keeps this huge lump sum a secret. It’s so hurtful!

Im not surprised you’re hurt @haveiwokenup but it sounds like your DH is hurting aswell. The whole tone of your thread is that you’re not attracted to him, you’re reluctantly trying not really for him but for the sake of his daughter.

I’m assuming he was drunk when he made those comments, and while the comments about shagging your friend are vile, I’m guessing his self esteem are probably on the floor and perhaps he knew these comments would get back to you. But living with this attitude from you must be crushing:

There’s also zero attraction on my part, I don’t find him physically or sexually attractive and haven’t done for the best part of our relationship if I’m completely honest. I recoil when he makes a move on me, so we haven’t got much of a sex life. I try for his sake but there’s nothing there for me.

He obviously hasn’t recovered from your emotional affair - and while he obviously cannot divorce you on grounds of adultory, he’s clearly still holding a grudge against you. If you do make it to counselling you should address this infidelity as well as it is clearly s an issue.

Given your reluctance to give it a go, while objectively it’s completely wrong for him to be hiding money from you and leaving you to pick up the tab, it sounds like he realistically thinks you’ve already got one foot out of the door. If this were a woman in this situation, people would be advising to hide the money because they might need it if their partner is going to leave. I also suspect his looking further afield to move doesn’t mean he’s actually going to do that, it could be escapism /wishful thinking. You need an honest conversation about co-parenting and mutual expectations.

I do think it’s telling that it’s the deception around the money that you are most hurt by - if you were emotionally invested in him I expect the sexual comments and his description of you would be equally if not more hurtful.

Have you confronted him about about what he said? I think you need a really honest cards on the table conversation - it sounds to me like you’ve caused him significant hurt, and neither of you are on the same page. If you’ve really not got any interest in honestly rekindling the kindest thing to do would be let him go.