I’m finding my relationship with my MIL so difficult - AIBU?

[Milquandry]

Please tell me if I’m the one who’s BU!

My first baby is 5 months old and since just after he was born, I’ve been finding MIL really tricky. We got on really well before he was born, she seemed very supportive and I didn’t have any concerns about how she’d be with me once the baby was here. My relationship with my own mum sadly isn’t great, and I was grateful that DS and I would have one stable grandmother in his life who would support me postpartum.

Quite soon after he was born, it was like I disappeared or turned invisible, which occasionally alternated with being a right nuisance. MIL only wanted to hold DS and once she had hold of him, it was like I didn’t exist, only Daddy and Grandma. We spent our first Christmas day with MIL and DH’s family and several times she took DS (then 6-ish weeks) out of the room away from me. When I asked where she was going, she’d do a tinkly laugh and say ‘I’ll bring him back’ like she was rolling her eyes at me.

There’s been other little niggly stuff like taking DS to the far corner of the room when we tried to show her how to soothe him, not giving him back when he cried, saying ‘ooooh Grandma will protect you’ when it’s time for me to change his nappy, telling him she’s going to send me and DH home and keep DS for herself.

She won’t interact with him when anyone else holds him, and when she holds him, I become invisible. I share photos of DS to DH’s family whatsapp group, and shared one of me carrying DS in his new backpack carrier. Within a minute of me sending the photo, she replied ‘oooooh did he use Daddy’s head like a drum?’ - well no, because if you look at the photo I was carrying him.

She gets coldsores (which nobody noticed before DS arrived) and apparently didn’t know they were contagious and doesn’t notice she gets them. DH spoke to her because I was getting so worked up about her not being careful and potentially passing them on to DS. She was very upset and agreed that she wouldn’t hold or touch DS when she had one. This was a few months ago and I thought it was resolved. Our relationship still isn’t great but it felt like the worst had blown over.

Today she turned up at our house with what looked like a newish coldsore (not scabbed over, just a pink spot) by her mouth. DH wanted her to have a cuddle with DS and I thought ‘I need to speak up’, so I did, and asked in a tiny pathetic voice if she was OK at the moment coldsore-wise (because I could see one on her face). I felt like the rudest DIL in the world. She started touching her face all over going ‘oh no I don’t think I have one’, DH says he can’t see it either, and hands DS over!

AIBU not to be able to stand this? I feel like the worst/most difficult DIL when I just want to keep my DS safe from an entirely preventable virus and to occasionally be acknowledged as his mum. Even my own mum will point out ‘mummy’ when she’s holding DS and will bring him straight over when he cries for me. I don’t understand what’s gone wrong in my relationship with MIL but I feel so lonely and in the wrong. Am I the one at fault here and being difficult?

sorry this is so long and rambling!

…2 🚀 🚀 don’t make a right. All agree boundaries are good. The small stuff/trivia is the hypersensitive over analysing about every other minor action/reaction. That’s over the top and clearly stressing OP and causing a breakdown in relationships.

God yes it drove me insane. She’d be rocking a crying baby and I’d say here I’ll take him. Mil: no I’ll settle him
me: that’s fine I’m right here. I will take him.
Mil: it won’t take long.
Me: He’s hungry. Why would you try to settle him when I. Could. Just. Feed. Him? And took him off her but wow they were frustrating conversations.

Oh God, you poor thing. She sounds like a nightmare and your DH does too. It's easier for him to make you the problem than stand up to his mother.

Find your voice and don't be afraid to use it. Don't sit and tolerate, getting more uncomfortable and your feelings stronger. You're the mother, this is your baby and you get to decide what happens to him.

You've so got this. Be strong. Xx

Eww. I wouldn't want people putting my baby's hand in their mouth ("allowing " the baby to put its hand in) or sticking their fingers in my baby's mouth. When even the babys parents don't do it, why do people think it's OK for them to do it? And she has coldsores too doing this! It would bother me so much. I would demand that my husband back me up, have a word with mum, and stop it happening. Divorce won't solve the problem as she could then freely slobber over and mouth your baby then when dad has his custody time. So unfortunately your hand has been forced. Either he has a word and is the one to speak up, or family meetings will have to get super awkward as you'll have to do it. I know it's easier said than done and I feel sorry for you. Don't feel like a failure for not reacting perfectly, this sounds like a difficult situation especially when hub isn't backing you up.

Maybe not everything you've said would bother me. I cant remember it all now. But someone's hand going in another's mouth would.

The issues you have with your MIL are not indications of PND, so be careful that your DH isn’t gaslighting you into believing that. Your MIL is the problem, not you

Yes, and no. While I disagree with people with active cold sores kissing baby or sharing drinks etc, it’s quite over the top for OP not to let MIL hold the baby just because she has a cold sore. My mum was riddled with cold sores, poor woman. Didn’t see her often due to distance (plane ride), but invariably when we did see her she would have them. Of course I let her hold my babies/kids, nothing wrong with that, that’s very different to her kissing them etc.

ETA as a complete aside, my siblings inherited my mum’s propensity for frequent and quite substantial cold sores. I always shared food/drinks etc thinking I’d end up with them inevitably. I missed out😁. When young I had boyfriends/partners here and there with them, never took any precautions, was happy to kiss etc, again thinking quite inevitable. Have never had one and nor have any of my (now adult) kids, even if having boyfriends/girlfriends with them. I joke we are a lucky bunch of mutants. My siblings kids get them though.

Maybe your blood has the cure lol. I would be curious if you got tested whether you carried it already but don't present with them, or maybe got immunity from your mother in the womb.

OP has said that she is relaxed with her baby except when her DH's extended family are there. A big family isn't necessarily great if they are overbearing and inconsiderate of a new mother.

Why does OP's MIL have to take the baby away, into another room. It's obviously not a crime but it's a power play that upsets OP and sounds like a demonstration of the fact that OP's MIL thinks she has the upper hand. As OP gets no support from her DH, she feels very much alone.

Yuck. I thought your previous post was bad but this one is even worse. I also see that you have had a later post deleted so probably more of the same attacking OP and supporting her horror of a MIL.

Not infecting her son and grandchild with her cold sore virus is due to luck rather than good judgement. Attacking the OP and trying to cast doubt on her narrative and then suggesting she has some counselling for PND is utterly hypocritical.

Is this pnd only there when your mil is around? I think you're all finding your role. Your husband's role is to support you and your baby.

I had the worst time with my now ex Mil when DC1 was born, she was overbearing and rude - it irrevocably changed our relationship and we never got it back. Having said that, she is a great grandma and loves the kids but she can't handle them too often.

It becomes bearable overtime OP I promise but make sure you put in strong boundaries and absolutely no kissing him and make sure she washes her hands before holding him when she has a cold sore - I would hold firm on that whether she likes it or not.

I agree. And I’d be suspicious of any MIL who repeatedly takes a baby out of the room away from the parents for no reason. Apart from the dominance aspect, there have been many MN threads about MILs and others who disagree with how the parents feed the baby, and as soon as mum’s back is turned they’ll feed him inappropriate things.

“saying ‘ooooh Grandma will protect you’ when it’s time for me to change his nappy” is bonkers. This isn’t a normal loving grandmother.

Don’t let your husband turn your discomfort with his overbearing mother into you having PND. Any woman who is OK with being shoved aside while MIL treats her baby as her own prized possession has no self respect.

The good news is that people tend to accept others as they act and accept themselves. So if you are say moderately assertive, that is how you will be perceived and known. if you are very assertive about your baby, that is how it will be understood. So there is no need NOT to be yourself - the inlaws have no option but to accept you as you choose to be, particularly if they want a relationship in future with the GC. The ball (and frankly the power in this situation) is in your court. Play it how you want it. You are the Mum, what you say goes.

Just don't go with DH and DS. Stay at home and have some free time or catch up with chores. They are only 10 minutes away so can get back for you to breastfeed. I rarely see my MIL. Just remind DH about the coldsore issue. That said my husband suffers with them but never transferred the virus to our son so try not to worry too much. You married DH not his family!

Don’t let anyone tell you that you have PND because of your reaction towards Mil and family.

passing a six week old baby around would infuriate me. My doctor said e.g. I should limit visits and people holding my newborn due to health reasons (immune system and flu Season). A baby shouldn’t be passed around like that with an incomplete immune system and maybe even possible regulation issues.

Stop passing the child around, keep the baby to you. If you are worried about the backlash, use a baby carrier and say the baby wants to be close to you or is asleep.

you’re the mother - you decide whether and who is allowed to hold the baby. Stop being a pushover ( and I mean this not unkind). You need to learn how to establish and hold boundaries for yourself and as a good mother.

Emotionally immature people and egotistical ones hate boundaries. Your DH is letting you down big time.

You're not the worst daughter in law ever.
Your MiL is over bearing. Also, your husband is being really unfair to you being so timid and not backing you up.
You need to stand your ground. Definitely no coming over when she has a cold sore. If she does, like she did, do not let her near baby. It's okay not worth the risk.

Your MIL knows exactly what she’s doing - does she see herself as the matriarch of the family generally ?

OP - this is your baby, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. I think you need to have a long conversation with your DH as he seems scared of his mum (or in thrall to her) and agree some ground rules for the visits. Unless your GP or midwife confirms you have PND - and it doesn’t sound like you do - the as others have said, this sounds like a very underhand tactic by your MIL.

Being a new mum can be completely overwhelming - not only are you recovering from a massive physical and emotional event, you’re also having to navigate a new role and new relationships. You need help and support at this time, not the constant undermining from family members. Stand firm - you’re doing an amazing job with your DS 😊

I think you either get the blood is thicker than water thing, or you don't. I don't. Like you, my relationships with my parents were strained. Theirs were strained with their parents beforehand. It is just how some families go. I hope I've bucked the trend, but it isn't a cloying bond. Furthermore, babies ain't my thing, so I could break the bond by going the other way, come the time, if I'm expected to be doting granny. This family tie attitude is a much more important difference than most people ever talk about.

I think your only option is to focus for now on the utility of your MIL. Is she a pain in the arse? Absolutely she is - she sounds absolutely hideous. Is she useful to you? Well if she is, you have to suck the rest up. That can be your version of blood being thicker than water. If she really does turn out to be useful, your opinion of her will soften and she will hopefully stop being a dick with your baby. Your former opinion will be restored. But didn't know she had a cold sore? My fat arse.

Finally, and most importantly, do not let anyone else tell you you have PND or any other mental health condition. You could also just be knackered. Certainly now it has been mentioned do your research and be absolutely honest with yourself purely for your own sake. Go to the doctor if you yourself are concerned. But no one can ever tell another person they are depressed, or anxious, or anything else - how do they know what's going on inside? As soon as I read that I had a "gaslighting" alarm go off, i.e. you'd be so much more reasonable with a dose of mogadon inside you. No doubt it is a completely false alarm, but there was something there that just tugged at my emergency chord.

I don't know...I find mummy's boys so deeply unappealing. Cut the chord, be a bloody man and support your wife! In my book you aren't actually being unreasonable enough.

It sounds as though you are doing your best to facilitate DH's family having time with your son, especially your MIL and FIL. given how toxic she sounds, that is very generous of you.
But then she invited other family members to YOUR house! Wtaf?! I'd be putting a stop to that straight away.
I'd also be cutting back on visits to in-laws- it's not great for your baby to be passed around like a football for hours. Your DH needs to stick up for you. Agree with him visiting times etc, and stick to them. Any uninvited visitors get turned away, or you go upstairs with baby and leave them downstairs if they insist on coming in.
Good luck!

There are indeed many such posts and unfortunately they aren’t very believable.

Last post was in June 2025