I’m finding my relationship with my MIL so difficult - AIBU?

[Milquandry]

Please tell me if I’m the one who’s BU!

My first baby is 5 months old and since just after he was born, I’ve been finding MIL really tricky. We got on really well before he was born, she seemed very supportive and I didn’t have any concerns about how she’d be with me once the baby was here. My relationship with my own mum sadly isn’t great, and I was grateful that DS and I would have one stable grandmother in his life who would support me postpartum.

Quite soon after he was born, it was like I disappeared or turned invisible, which occasionally alternated with being a right nuisance. MIL only wanted to hold DS and once she had hold of him, it was like I didn’t exist, only Daddy and Grandma. We spent our first Christmas day with MIL and DH’s family and several times she took DS (then 6-ish weeks) out of the room away from me. When I asked where she was going, she’d do a tinkly laugh and say ‘I’ll bring him back’ like she was rolling her eyes at me.

There’s been other little niggly stuff like taking DS to the far corner of the room when we tried to show her how to soothe him, not giving him back when he cried, saying ‘ooooh Grandma will protect you’ when it’s time for me to change his nappy, telling him she’s going to send me and DH home and keep DS for herself.

She won’t interact with him when anyone else holds him, and when she holds him, I become invisible. I share photos of DS to DH’s family whatsapp group, and shared one of me carrying DS in his new backpack carrier. Within a minute of me sending the photo, she replied ‘oooooh did he use Daddy’s head like a drum?’ - well no, because if you look at the photo I was carrying him.

She gets coldsores (which nobody noticed before DS arrived) and apparently didn’t know they were contagious and doesn’t notice she gets them. DH spoke to her because I was getting so worked up about her not being careful and potentially passing them on to DS. She was very upset and agreed that she wouldn’t hold or touch DS when she had one. This was a few months ago and I thought it was resolved. Our relationship still isn’t great but it felt like the worst had blown over.

Today she turned up at our house with what looked like a newish coldsore (not scabbed over, just a pink spot) by her mouth. DH wanted her to have a cuddle with DS and I thought ‘I need to speak up’, so I did, and asked in a tiny pathetic voice if she was OK at the moment coldsore-wise (because I could see one on her face). I felt like the rudest DIL in the world. She started touching her face all over going ‘oh no I don’t think I have one’, DH says he can’t see it either, and hands DS over!

AIBU not to be able to stand this? I feel like the worst/most difficult DIL when I just want to keep my DS safe from an entirely preventable virus and to occasionally be acknowledged as his mum. Even my own mum will point out ‘mummy’ when she’s holding DS and will bring him straight over when he cries for me. I don’t understand what’s gone wrong in my relationship with MIL but I feel so lonely and in the wrong. Am I the one at fault here and being difficult?

sorry this is so long and rambling!

Can you get your DH to compromise and make rules for the baby's visitors (including your MIL??

I would be livid if my MIL wanted to hold my baby all the time. I guess it's natural to feel overprotective, especially if it's your first baby.

My DH and I would fight all the time due to his mother and the baby, she wouldn't follow my rules, which mind you were safety rules (no rags or blankets on his bassinet, hold his head when picking him up as he was just 6 weeks with neck issues), at the end he finally agreed that she wasn't to be trusted and couldn't pick him up. She could only engage with him on his bassinet.

I almost separated for that compromise though.

My MIL did stuff like this with both ours as newborns. I found it infuriating. It unleashed a lion mother rage I didn’t know I had! Ugh makes me annoyed just thinking about how she’d head off into another room with him. And not hand him over when he clearly needed me.

Now they’re 5 and 2 and it’s much easier. And gotta say, I appreciate how much she does with them. She adores them and has endless patience for them. She really plays with them and it gives me a very welcome break.

Hang in there and hopefully it’ll get much better.

she sounds horrid. Her nose has been firmly put out of joint and she’s trying to mark her territory. All so silly and so pointless.

as others have said, it will likely die down as he gets older but for now this is really challenging for you. Your husband needs to be firmly on your side but unfortunately it sounds like you’re going to have a battle there too.

Which means that you are going to have to be firm. If your baby is crying you need to be assertive and go and take him. If she makes passive aggressive comments, call her out on it.

Time to start speaking up OP and to hell with the consequences.

OP - i don’t know if you have PND, but no harm in getting it checked out.

To me, you do sound a bit obsessed with MIL. And with vilifying her. It is strange that you seem to observe MIL’s facial expressions with such intense attention - putting conclusions and judgements, and finding hidden meanings to every little thing - when she holds the baby and when not. It seems off, and i am wondering how much of your conjecture is in your head. And how much is just an older lady who loves her grandson.
Maybe its natural protectiveness of a young mom, maybe there is more to it. But it’s totally normal for the baby to upstage the mother, and more attention to go to the LO. You don't need to make that into a conspiracy to de-throne you.

It’s a great thing to have a big family for a baby. And its great they all love him.
It’s not a crime for MIL to carry a baby to another room in the house - and your reaction to that seems off, at least to me.

Hopefully you’ll relax into motherhood and realise you don’t need to be protective of your ‘Mother’ status and learn to enjoy the time that extended family’s attention/care to your child gives you.

These kind of threads make me so cross on behalf of the mums. And they happen time and time again, and I wish Mumsnet would commission some properly researched education and support for their users on family dynamics and MIL relationships etc.

You are rightly your baby’s world for the first 2 years, until they gradually learn to separate from you physically and psychologically (age 2 when they learn they’re separate from you and learn to say no, and during teenage years etc). All your baby needs is you and for you to be adequately supported by your partner/‘village’. Your hormones and instincts to keep your baby close and protected during the first year or so are natural and absolutely spot on.

Any attempt of your DH to label you mentally ill for you having normal mothering instincts is him gaslighting you, because he unfortunately seems to have not separated properly psychically from his mother and he likely still needs to please her to keep his own state of mind stable. He’s projecting his own attachment fears/wounds onto you. Don’t stand for it. These moments can be the making or breaking of boys turning into men/fathers. It’s wise to stay conscious of how this can be a psychologically scary time for a male as he grows from boyhood to adulthood - let him be honest with you about how he finds it or encourage him to find other dads etc to support him.

Your baby will separate from you and build bonds with others all in good time at a pace you’re comfortable with (you’ll naturally reach those moments when you’re touched out, need a break, want to see your child develop, want to go back to work etc). If you don’t kindly but firmly stand up for yourself and your baby now, this will carry on and on. These moments may seem small but they’re indicative of broader relationship patterns, and it’s important for you to establish the bond between you and your baby and set the right tone with others who try to invade that. It’s scary to stand up for yourself because you might fear you’re going to lose family support/respect. The opposite is true - handle it firmly and gracefully and they might be initially upset but you’ll earn their respect over time.

The more secure your baby is in your bond and your ability to stand up for them, the more likely they are to separate from you properly all in good time, and they won’t have the same attachment ruptures in their own future relationships.

It’s important for you to bear in mind the bigger picture too - right now, you’re rightly loved up with bonding hormones and the need to keep your baby close. That will change over time, and it will be nice to see your baby’s relationships with grandparents etc blossom as they grow.

Tinkly laugh right back at her. “Haha, what a funny Granny today, it’s time to change your bum / have your milk now. Walk over and put your hands out for baby. “Remember no kisses in case nana has a poorly mouth!”

Don’t share details of days out, holidays, just “Greece in June,” or “a walk and a picnic.” If they push for details “hehe, I know what you’re doing, we had our surprise last holiday! Anyway how is Auntie Sue doing?” Plan things for the days you visit so you have an exit plan. “We have to leave at 12 as we are meeting so and so for lunch.”

Basically don’t be a dick, be polite but firm. Allow baby to have a relationship with his grandparents- it’s really beneficial for you and them in the long run but don’t be pressured into backing down. No tiny pathetic voices - you’re a grown up and a Mum! It’s hard when they are tiny to let go, and sometimes you do have to accept that they will want to have some cuddles with the little one, within reason. My little one has been ill this week and I have really needed my IL’s - I’m glad I bit my tongue a little bit and let them take him round the block in his pram or have a cuddle when he was little.

I would never carry another woman's baby into another room against the mom's wishes. My main priority when with a baby is supporting the mom.

This is not some ‘other woman’s baby’ vs stranger situation. This is Xmas at PIL’s house. 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s normal to walk around with a baby in and out of one room in a house, as babies enjoy movement.

Maybe it’s new mother’s hormones to be this irrationally vigilant. But it’s bonkers to see ill intentions in MIL at that stage. But i think, given by OP’s description - this is where her obsession with MIL’s evil nature started.

Those are not rational fears. Historically, GMs have played a huge role in helping rearing our young, even back in the caves.

So - I do hope OP manages to get out of this state as seeing the world as her vs extended family. They are not the enemy.

Tell him you've sought help for PND and the advice given to you was to hold your baby as much as possible.

Setting down good boundaries at first is really hard at first and can put pressure on your relationship however it is worth it in the long run as your MIL will learn her place (grandma, not mum) and learn to respect you as a mum.

My SIL barely allowed anyone else anyone hold my nephew for his first year. Her own mum complained about it and her reaponse was "I gave birth to him I can hold him as much as I want". She doesn't care how "difficult" people think she is when it comes to her children and honestly, she is the 1 person everyone in the wider family listens to without pushback or argument so I have definitely taken some lessons from that...

@MMmomDD

Maybe it’s new mother’s hormones to be this irrationally vigilant. But it’s bonkers to see ill intentions in MIL at that stage

I see ill intentions in a woman who after being told cold sores were contagious, turned up at OPs house with another cold sore and gaslit her by saying she didn’t think she had one and then took the baby anyway. It doesn’t shout Grandma with the baby’s interests at heart to me.

I don’t think she’s a narcissist, and I don’t want to move house. I think she and all of DH’s family bottle up their emotions and put on a ‘front’ which means it’s been very hard to get to know some of them beyond a superficial level, which then when they’re all clamouring over your baby feels quite difficult, because really they feel like strangers in a sense, even though I’ve been with DH for years

I was thinking of my sisters children, so not a stranger, but no I still wouldn't walk off with them and if my sister asked where I was going with them I'd say "oh sorry" and bring them straight back, or at least answer her properly, because I respect my sisters and know they're the boss when it comes to their babies.

Many people do have emotionally healthy family units but your Dh lucked right out there along with you.

You need physical distance because they are only 10 minutes away from you, it’s too close and he is enmeshed with his mother. He dtil seeks her approval even now and believes that Bad Thingd will happen to him if she gets upset. He is far more afraid of her than he is of you and will use you as a buffer. You need to consider moving a bit further away. His mother wants to play at bring mummy to your child, given the crap job she’s done on her son also do not allow this to happen.

Mil here only is interested in what she wants and to hell with everyone else who gets in her way. Some do not see this toxic dynamic mainly because it’s outside their world view and also because they have never experienced such behaviour from their relatives.

Cold sores are not "small stuff" or "trivia" when it comes to young babies. Wear a sling OP which would be such a pain to take off, wouldn't it, and provides a kind of barrier as necessary. Don't hand him over. You are his mother, what you say goes. Just say No to anything you don't want. She will have to learn to respect it. Your DC has years ahead to bond with his DGm, no need to put him at risk now just because she fancies re-running her time as a mother. You need to lay doewn some boundaries about visits too.

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv - how do we even know if MIL had a cold sore?
A red spot is not a cold sore - which presents as a blister and impossible to miss.

And given OP’s tendency to only see the worst in MIL - who knows what she even saw.
I get colds sores myself, and a person knows when it’s coming.
(separately - MIL didn’t pass her cold sores
to her son - OP’s husband in all her years of being Typhoid Mary. And neither did she pass it to the baby, despite her evil intentions. So - maybe she is not totally evil?)

@Milquandry - do you realise how judgy you sound when you say - “‘I think she and all of DH’s family bottle up their emotions and put on a ‘front’”…. Their way of expressing emotions is theirs, and yours does not have superiority. People can have differences and still interact. But it’s harder if you position yourself as superior.

I do not know what sort of deep relationship you expect with members of your extended family. You seem to have uneasy dynamics with your own - and possibly had unrealistic expectations that the in-laws family would fulfil some need that your own family failed to?
(only guessing here).

But regardless - you seem to be unhappy and down. And you sound like the world is all against you. Maybe it is PND - and maybe some counselling can help you.

Can you leave my thread now, please? Nowhere have I referred to her as Typhoid Mary, and I’m basing my posts on nine years of having known this family - you do not. MIL and I previously had a good relationship, clearly she is not ‘evil’ and I find your posts to be childish and goady. It’s not big, clever or helpful to kick a new mum (or anyone) while they’re down and struggling.

She does sound rather extreme and the family get togethers sound quite overwhelming when it's your little baby being passed around.

Her behaviour around ignoring your existence as his mum, and sulking and ignoring even the baby when someone else is holding him is plain weird and childish.

I think you need to start listening to your instincts around being a mum. If he's crying and you want him back say so. If mil ignores your presence speak directly to her and if she continues to ignore you, leave with the baby, explaining factually to people why you are heading home.

Ignore the members on both sides moaning about time with the baby. He's not a toy for them to argue over.

I'd consider not being as available, doing stuff just as a little family unit a bit more often.

Oof your MIL (and DH) are sooo similar to my own. I've had this EXACT experience with my first baby, right down to the competition and jealousy across both sides of the family that the other side "gets more time" with their GC. Very, very fortunately in my case, MIL lives 2 hours away so I don't have to deal with her often.

Currently pregnant with my second baby and she has much, much less interest this time around. I also feel much more confident asserting my own needs and boundaries. I would suggest you practice your firm voice and also think of some strategies to ensure you are the one that calls the shots when DS is upset etc.

Promise you're not unreasonable or alone in this. Many MILs are assholes and see their DILs as baby-producing vessels. Totally invisible once the baby arrives.

OP, your feelings are valid. The polite way you asked a poster to leave your thread shows that you've got this. Well done

OP, he’s your baby so you call it. A baby sling (ideally a wrap) is a great way to keep a tight hold on the baby so no one else can just take him.

Your DH has to learn to back you over his mum. In your shoes I’d be giving him ultimatums.

What about speaking with the health visitor about all of this and getting them to speak with him if you find them supportive? I imagine your DH will listen more to a professional than you, unfortunately.

Of course you’re trying to kick her. You’ve done it in every post you’ve made on this thread: sneering at her, putting her down, and implying that she’s imagining things. You’re being nasty and high-handed for the sake of it.

Even now you’re trying to undermine her confidence by asking her to justify her observations about your posts, as if you can’t see from what she’s written that confidence is an issue for her. She doesn’t need to explain that to you. I’ve seen the exact same thing in your posts and clearly others have too.

If somehow that genuinely wasn’t your intent even though several people have noticed it, then I’m sure you’ll respect the OP’s wishes that you not kick- er, “help”- her anymore.

OP, you need to find your voice here. If someone is taking your baby away and you don’t want them to. You need to say it. If someone wants to hold baby and you don’t want to. You can just say baby is fine with me for now thanks. I’ll pass him/her over soon.
If someone is strapping the car seat you say Stop, I’ll get baby out.
You don’t need to be rude but you do need to be in control.
You dont need to be railroaded into plans. Again, you just say no. You can book things, plan things for you, baby and DH and you don’t need to share the details or share your days.
You can’t spend the rest of your child’s life being unhappy to stop other people from being unhappy with you. Sod that!

By all means, get some help if PND could be an issue but the in law and mother and baby dynamic can massively impact your mood. You may find pleasing yourself helps :)