Will I ever get over this?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/04/2025 02:09

You will get past it.

I had similar bolt from the blue 30 years ago. I think about him still every day, but l dislike him and want nothing to do with him.

Zanzara · 15/04/2025 02:39

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. It is always very difficult to learn the one person you should be able to trust has let you down so badly. Quite apart from the rest of his behaviour, he must be a dreadful coward to leave as he did.

Dreams can be so realistic. I hope by now you're feeling calmer. If not, have a cup of tea, it can be wonderfully comforting in the middle of the night. Sleep well. ❤️

sameshizz · 15/04/2025 05:31

It’s grief op . It’s the same as if he had died suddenly only it’s worse as you have the add on of him being a despicable piece of shit too. Have you looked into counselling and anti depressants?

amiadoormat · 15/04/2025 05:46

My ex husband did something similar - married for 10 together 17 years young children - he left one day whilst I was out with the kids. I still have moments of grief 3 years later. I’m not sure I’ll ever quite get over it either but every day is slightly better than the last. I don’t think ill ever have another relationship either the trust has gone x

Lurkingandlearning · 15/04/2025 06:15

Sometimes my dreams feel like the enemy within. A bit dramatic I know, but I’ve worked very hard to put something behind me and I seldom think of it during the day. But I will often dream about it and wake up wet eyed if not actually crying. I find it very hard to shrug off and it leaves me miserable, sometimes tearful, all day.

The only thing that eases that is if I can write it all down, the dream, memories, feelings. But I don’t often have time for that in the morning. When I do it helps.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/04/2025 06:19

It's not pathetic, try not to say harsh things about yourself

BCBird · 15/04/2025 06:29

You are not pathetic. I agree it is grief. My partner kilked himself over 3 years ago. We were together just over 2 years, we were having a wonderful time together- it was so shocking. I don't think.grief is a logical process. In my opinion some days seem better than others. Even now I cry when.i.think.about his loss of life and the loss those left behind are having to cope with. I know our situations are not the same but there will be similarities. I'm not ready to meet anyone else at all yet, but who knows? I would focus on cutting yourself some slack and being kind to yourself.

BCBird · 15/04/2025 06:30

As for the dreams they can feel so real. I remember feeling his chest snuggling into my back mot long after he had died. It was comforting but heart- breaking too.

Original poster

RachelsTrifle · 15/04/2025 06:58

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I think after three years the people in my life really feel I should have gotten over it by now, the sympathy has long dried up. And most of the time I can take that, more or less anyway. But these dreams are awful, they drag me right back to the absolute worst time and it feels SO real, it is agony.

I have been having psychotherapy for about 18 months and am on a pretty hefty dose of anti anxiety, antidepressants and anti psychotics. The drugs saved my life tbh, but when it comes to these dreams even that's not enough!

OP posts:

Original poster

RachelsTrifle · 15/04/2025 07:02

@BCBird I'm sorry about your partner

@amiadoormat I'm sorry he did that to you and your children

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 15/04/2025 07:03

Continue with your therapy. Your probably have ptsd from it all. Also, check out this book as it sounds like he’s done the discard. It might help you make sense of things more.

https://ia600600.us.archive.org/31/items/hybridphilosophy-collection/The-Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-by-Debbie-Mirza.pdf

These men are such cowards for walking out they way they did and for the harm they caused because they couldn’t sit down and have adult conversations. They are the ones who should be in therapy for their narcissistic tendencies and their complete lack of human empathy.

https://ia600600.us.archive.org/31/items/hybridphilosophy-collection/The-Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-by-Debbie-Mirza.pdf

Richiewoo · 15/04/2025 07:20

I don't think its pathetic. What he did to you was terrible. Maybe counselling will help you to come to terms with it.

Seachanger · 15/04/2025 07:28

RachelsTrifle · 15/04/2025 06:58

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I think after three years the people in my life really feel I should have gotten over it by now, the sympathy has long dried up. And most of the time I can take that, more or less anyway. But these dreams are awful, they drag me right back to the absolute worst time and it feels SO real, it is agony.

I have been having psychotherapy for about 18 months and am on a pretty hefty dose of anti anxiety, antidepressants and anti psychotics. The drugs saved my life tbh, but when it comes to these dreams even that's not enough!

I really hate how people are very very good at either verbally, or non verbally, telling others they " should have got over " some absolutely traumatic event - quite often death of a loved one, but in your case an absolutely devastating loss and betrayal.

I think people are anxious for their own benefit to want you not to be still hurting because it's easier for them. Either that or they are totally lacking in any empathy.

You have gone through something really horrendous OP and no-one else can tell you how to feel. It will take as long as it takes for you to come to terms with what happened, and for time to help to heal.

Best wishes to you.

Wheech · 15/04/2025 07:29

Before you go to sleep, tell yourself you will not be dreaming about him tonight. That's a piece of advice I was given years ago and surprisingly it worked.

What a horrible thing to have gone through, I'm sorry. You must have had a lot of trauma as well as the grief and loss. What a despicable way to treat someone.

Lorlorlorikeet · 15/04/2025 07:44

It sounds like he not only left you in the worst and cruellest way, he stole all your money and has continued to torture you since then. No wonder you’re ’not over it’.

What a despicable piece of shit he is. I hope he suffers, OP.

Happyhettie · 15/04/2025 07:54

Seachanger · 15/04/2025 07:28

I really hate how people are very very good at either verbally, or non verbally, telling others they " should have got over " some absolutely traumatic event - quite often death of a loved one, but in your case an absolutely devastating loss and betrayal.

I think people are anxious for their own benefit to want you not to be still hurting because it's easier for them. Either that or they are totally lacking in any empathy.

You have gone through something really horrendous OP and no-one else can tell you how to feel. It will take as long as it takes for you to come to terms with what happened, and for time to help to heal.

Best wishes to you.

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I cant put it any better than this.
There isn’t a time limit on grief and you have been treated abysmally. What a horrible man to have behaved that way.
Sending love and solidarity - you’re not alone x

amiadoormat · 15/04/2025 07:55

Thankyou OP
I still dream about my ex. And sometimes I miss him. I’ve found it easier to pretend like he’s dead and grieve his death rather than grieve a divorce. After all the man I married is dead. This new version of him isn’t the man I knew for two decades and the man I loved.

DearBee · 15/04/2025 07:58

Oh OP. What an absolutely awful thing that he's done. Genuinely despicable.

It's no wonder you're reeling. I don't think you have to be over it - I don't think you ever have to be over it, but someday I hope you get to a place where you can feel calmer and happier again.

And I believe you will get there. Take every piece of help you are offered - I know you said you have been having therapy and taking meds. Treat yourself very kindly - you have been badly hurt by somebody you loved, and you are wounded.

With the dreams - I am wondering if there is an element of PTSD to this. Is that something that has been explored in therapy yet?

I think the worst thing you can do is pressure yourself to feel a certain way. Ignore those people - this is your life and it wasn't their husbands who went and did this. They do not understand.

It sounds like you are starting to see the light, as you say. Hold on to that. The path won't be linear entirely, but you are getting there.

Dery · 15/04/2025 08:03

I think it’s not surprising that you’re still suffering - 3 years is not long to get over such brutal behaviour from someone you loved and trusted.

Original poster

RachelsTrifle · 16/04/2025 03:30

Honestly I can't thank you all enough. Reading your messages had made me very emotional, and I really, really appreciate your solidarity and advice.

Life is very cruel and unfair sometimes. I wouldn't wish these last three years on anyone, but I do find myself wondering 'why me?' I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have all the answers or the closure that I might like.

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 16/04/2025 03:53

Hi OP

I can see that sleep is eluding you, perhaps because you don't want to dream. I'd recommend clinical hypnotherapy. Hypnosis works on the subconscious mind, the same mind that drives dreams.

The clinical version is a long way from the stage hypnotists who get people to run round like headless chickens, and it is very successful.

What is clinical hypnotherapy? - National Council for Hypnotherapy

RedRock41 · 16/04/2025 06:38

RachelsTrifle · 15/04/2025 01:52

Just over 3 years ago my husband abandoned me. We had been married for 10 years, together for 15. Everything was completely normal and seemingly happy one day, them my whole world imploded the next. He snuck out while I was sleeping. In the morning I woke up to completely empty bank accounts and a text message saying he wanted a divorce. I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

He seemed to turn into a different person literally over night. His behaviour since that day has been despicable and unbelievable. I won't go into it all because it's not really relevant but I have been mistreated awfully. I have been through very dark times but sometimes now I'm starting to see some kind of light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Day to day I go about life more or less okay, although I have significant scars leftover- I don't see how I will ever trust anyone again, for example.

The 'issue', I suppose is that I keep having these dreams about him. They are very intense and I wake up in the morning feeling absolutely crushed all over again. I've just woken up (I'm not in the UK) and I just want to curl up and die. Pathetic I know, but it's how I feel.

Not pathetic at all. Anyone would be absolutely crushed to be so cruelly and brutally blindsided. People split all the time. It’s usually not pleasant but there are ways to go about it.
Could be you are suffering from PTSD or similar. That could explain the flashback dreams and reliving and feeling it. Maybe your subconscious imprinted markedly which again shows the devastating effect on you.
Good news is it is possible to come out the other side (eventually) as there is only so much you can relive. One day you may even feel in the retelling that it happened to someone else as you won’t care but for now it obviously still impacts.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Be extra kind for as long as you need and good grief, don’t let the B have you wanting to lose your life. F* him. Live your best life and hang in there. It will take as long as it takes and the being kind to yourself absolutely key… whatever you want to do or not do goes.

RedRock41 · 16/04/2025 06:44

Seachanger · 15/04/2025 07:28

I really hate how people are very very good at either verbally, or non verbally, telling others they " should have got over " some absolutely traumatic event - quite often death of a loved one, but in your case an absolutely devastating loss and betrayal.

I think people are anxious for their own benefit to want you not to be still hurting because it's easier for them. Either that or they are totally lacking in any empathy.

You have gone through something really horrendous OP and no-one else can tell you how to feel. It will take as long as it takes for you to come to terms with what happened, and for time to help to heal.

Best wishes to you.

Show quote history

❤️ This 👏

Flipslop · 16/04/2025 06:49

RachelsTrifle · 15/04/2025 06:58

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I think after three years the people in my life really feel I should have gotten over it by now, the sympathy has long dried up. And most of the time I can take that, more or less anyway. But these dreams are awful, they drag me right back to the absolute worst time and it feels SO real, it is agony.

I have been having psychotherapy for about 18 months and am on a pretty hefty dose of anti anxiety, antidepressants and anti psychotics. The drugs saved my life tbh, but when it comes to these dreams even that's not enough!

I’d suggest trying a different type of therapy and see how you feel. Not all therapy / therapists are suitable for a persons trauma. I stuck with a therapist for years thinking this must be doing me good, it’s only when I went to uni as a mature student my eyes were opened to person centred therapy, I tried that and it’s been a game changer

Original poster

RachelsTrifle · 17/04/2025 02:50

Thank you all.

I'm having a better day today, woke up having not dreamed at all, and that is definitely my preferred situation!
I can't wait to get to the point when this whole sorry affair doesn't bother me, but at least I know, until I get to that point, that I can always turn to the posters of Mumsnet for genuine care and support 💛

OP posts: