Life is just so hard.

Ackwhat · 14/04/2025 19:14

I think you'll get grief for this post.

Just wanted to say though I really do feel cod you, life is bloody tough, follow your heart as you do only live once.

Sending a support high five.

Summertimeblahness · 14/04/2025 19:14

Leave your dp if unhappy but don’t get involved with this fuck up.

MarkingBad · 14/04/2025 19:15

Read your OP objectively and you will see you were never K's priority, you won't be now either.

He's had a scare, you might be foolish enough to nurse him if it happens again hence the contact.

Open your eyes

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/04/2025 19:15

You don’t love your partner and you do love this other single guy. Stop wasting your partners life and go for this guy. Although being honest if you both loved each other as much as you think you’d already be together by now, sounds like you are both fantasists that are hard to please. Your life is only hard because of the choices you are making.

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 19:15

Block K.

Abenny · 14/04/2025 19:15

You sound very passive in all of this. Apart from the initial decision to have an affair, it's all been his decisions and you've gone along with them. I've no idea why you'd drop everything and go running when he whistles when he's already dumped you twice. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

If your current relationship doesn't work for you then end it but do it because you want to, not because you have any expectations of this chap, who you know is a cheat and who has proved multiple times that he is not reliable.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/04/2025 19:17

I wouldn’t do anything until you have spoken at length to K. Would he want you to leave your DP? If you did what does he see the future like for the two of you and your child?

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 19:20

So he split up with his wife and didn’t contact you for 18 months? Why didn’t he contact you straight away if you were meant to be together?

RunningJo · 14/04/2025 19:23

MarkingBad · 14/04/2025 19:15

Read your OP objectively and you will see you were never K's priority, you won't be now either.

He's had a scare, you might be foolish enough to nurse him if it happens again hence the contact.

Open your eyes

Edited

I agree with this.

if you aren’t happy with your current partner then look at leaving. But the grass is rarely greener and I think you are maybe looking at what you once had through rose tinted glasses. You’ve both had lots of time and opportunities to make this work, and haven’t.
Past relationships should stay exactly that. I’ve not known many people who go back and find things work out. But once you are separated, who knows, maybe it will be the fairytale ending you think it will be.
But first separate from your current partner.

Namechangermagic · 14/04/2025 19:25

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 19:15

Block K.

I agree 👍

Original poster

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:25

Ackwhat · 14/04/2025 19:14

I think you'll get grief for this post.

Just wanted to say though I really do feel cod you, life is bloody tough, follow your heart as you do only live once.

Sending a support high five.

I am expecting grief. Hopefully it will help snap me out of this bubble of there could be a happy every after.

My problem is I always put other peoples happiness before my own so never really fought for him in the past.

To be fair to K he never has made a move or asked me to leave my partner. He is supportive to my grumbles and I have just tried to be a supportive friend and we have a laugh about the past when we meet up.

OP posts:

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 19:25

You both sound adorable. You should be together.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/04/2025 19:28

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:25

I am expecting grief. Hopefully it will help snap me out of this bubble of there could be a happy every after.

My problem is I always put other peoples happiness before my own so never really fought for him in the past.

To be fair to K he never has made a move or asked me to leave my partner. He is supportive to my grumbles and I have just tried to be a supportive friend and we have a laugh about the past when we meet up.

Show quote history

You were not exactly putting other people’s happiness first when you were the other woman, or now while you waste your partners life while ‘in love’ with someone else. If this guy wanted you he could have had you plenty of times, but he doesn’t, he just wants excitement and his leg over. But if you really want to fight for someone who’s never been that arsed by you then go ahead, you only live once and all that.

Wishimaywishimight · 14/04/2025 19:32

Sounds like an episodefrom Sex and the City! Carrie and Big had an affair while he was married. The affair ended. Big had a heart attack, declared his love for Carrie, she fell for it. He recovered and went back to his old ways!

OP, you don't love your partner so do him a favour and separate, it will happen sooner or later.

K may well lose interest when you become available but, if not, just give it a go - either it will work out or it won't but at least you will get him out of your system.

MarkingBad · 14/04/2025 19:34

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:25

I am expecting grief. Hopefully it will help snap me out of this bubble of there could be a happy every after.

My problem is I always put other peoples happiness before my own so never really fought for him in the past.

To be fair to K he never has made a move or asked me to leave my partner. He is supportive to my grumbles and I have just tried to be a supportive friend and we have a laugh about the past when we meet up.

Show quote history

Well if you want a bubble bursting how about this.

K cheated on his wife with you but research tells us fewer than 5% of men leave their wives for the OW unless the DW has pushed them out so you were always on a hiding to nothing because lo and behold, you were just the shag

K didn't leave his DW for you. That has nothing to do with the kids, he chose his DW not you.

When he did seperate it took a year for you to get back together.

After 18 months K decided to go back to his DW. If he was happy with you he would never have done that and gone 5050 with his kids instead. Again it was never anything to do with the children he went back to his DW and left you

He cheated on his wife with you he left you for his wife, this man is never going to fully settle down

Then they divorced and still K didn't seek you out until of course he has a mortality check.

Look up the term nurse with a purse

I feel dreadfully sorry for your poor partner in all of this. Excitement is all very well but you will always be seeking it and never making a proper stable relationshio and home

Original poster

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:37

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 19:20

So he split up with his wife and didn’t contact you for 18 months? Why didn’t he contact you straight away if you were meant to be together?

He didn't contact me as he felt he didn't want me to hurt me again.

I think if timing had of been different we would have been life partners.

It just made me physically sick when he let me know he had nearly died - that I might not of ever seen him again. But need to put my big girls pants on and realise life is not as simple as that and I just need to settle for DS and the pets to love!

OP posts:

AprilBunny · 14/04/2025 19:43

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:37

He didn't contact me as he felt he didn't want me to hurt me again.

I think if timing had of been different we would have been life partners.

It just made me physically sick when he let me know he had nearly died - that I might not of ever seen him again. But need to put my big girls pants on and realise life is not as simple as that and I just need to settle for DS and the pets to love!

Show quote history

I don’t think X sees you as The One. He would have eft his wife for you or contacted you as soon as he did eventually split up with her. I think he sees you as good old Cantshakethefeeling.

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 19:50

K doesn’t and never has loved you. That’s harsh but that’s the truth of it. K doesn’t love anyone as much as K loves himself.

I had an affair with a married man when I was 19 and when I got divorced (not related) many years later we messaged again for a while - he’d left his now ex wife and I realised it was just never meant to be, it didn’t go beyond messaging. I’d built it up so much in my head it was all just a load of self indulgent shit. Real love isn’t like that. It’s hard at times and if there are dc and pets involved it’s never going to be like the heady whizzy days of dating someone, but if you had an accident or needed someone who would you call? I am betting it wouldn’t be K.

You need to completely block K. Social media etc is just so crap for all this. Before the days of mobiles / social media etc you’d move on with your life and it would be - quite rightly - like he ceased to exist and that would be that. Don’t make this more than it is.

Stanleybeach · 14/04/2025 19:52

He was shagging you and his wife at the same time. He’s an absolutely horrible man. He dropped you when it suited him. Dumped his wife and kids. Enjoyed some time to himself after that. Picked you up when he fancied some shags again and then dumped you again. You are his reserve option and you believe the weak lies he tells you to reel you in again. Stop building this up as a fairy tale romance you wish it were rather than the side shag of a horrible using man that you were.

RedRock41 · 14/04/2025 19:53

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:11

I've name changed for this. Not sure why I'm writing this as I know I can't resolve this impossible situation and I just have to get over it.

In my early 20's I had a fling with a married man for a year (K) - it was fun at the time (wrong I know) but we went our separate ways when his wife fell pregnant.

8 years later he got back in touch as he had separated from his wife a year before and we dated for 18 months. He then went back to his wife as he missed the kids too much. Broke both of us but I supported his decision.

5 years later I then met someone who I moved in with and I fell pregnant a year later. I don't regret this but never really had the same connection as I did with K. K and I have had the odd text and coffee over the years and he has long since divorced and he has had a few relationships since but nothing long term.

Two months ago K had a life threatening episode and he said he had to see me. He is ok now and we met up last week. He clearly loves me and I have never fallen out of love with him. I so desperately want to follow my heart and be selfish and leave my partner as we are just friends really with no physical relationship but on the other hand I don't want to split the family unit for my DS.

I'm know I will do the right thing and stay but my heart aches for him and I've loved him from the first time I met him - we have just have a bond and get each other. Why is life so bloody hard!

Life is pretty simple. We all have a brain until we think we have fallen in love. You are his old faithful. If it was going to work it would have first time round. No ifs or buts. You will do what you want whatever we all counsel. Just keep this thread to reference in a few years time…

RedRock41 · 14/04/2025 19:59

Cantshakethefeeling · 14/04/2025 19:25

I am expecting grief. Hopefully it will help snap me out of this bubble of there could be a happy every after.

My problem is I always put other peoples happiness before my own so never really fought for him in the past.

To be fair to K he never has made a move or asked me to leave my partner. He is supportive to my grumbles and I have just tried to be a supportive friend and we have a laugh about the past when we meet up.

Show quote history

To be fair? Nothing fair in sleeping with someone else’s man. You really don’t have the right to claim the noble moral high ground.
Immature also to focus on your happy ever after. The reality is after any honeymoon period, as with all relationships the cracks will appear and you will need to navigate tough waters. Seems his former partner and your current partner’s integrity mean nothing. As such maybe you are both destined to be together as in common you seem to place your own short term desires above everyone else.

Bluethrowredcandle · 14/04/2025 20:03

I do not think your problem is putting other people’s happiness before your own….

Streetsofgold · 14/04/2025 20:03

'My problem is I always put other peoples happiness before my own so never really fought for him in the past'.

It seemed you did ok, putting your wants and needs and no worries about his wife/your partner. Do the decent thing and leave your partner if you don't love him. I promise, however, you won't get your happy ever after with this chancer.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/04/2025 20:05

Do you think that you are idealising the past a little bit because it is, well, the past? You were younger, things were different, you hadn't got the responsibilities you've got now. If you did leave your DP and take your DS to set up home with K, what happens if K doesn't get on with your DS?

Because you're a mother now and your responsibilities have shifted. You aren't first in your own life any more, your DS is. How do you envisage a new relationship with K with a child in the mix? A child that isn't his and one that he might resent as a memory of your XP?

If you're in an unhappy relationship then, by all means, leave. But I think you might be trying to harken back to a younger and more carefree you and K is the symptom rather than the cause.

AlertCat · 14/04/2025 20:15

MarkingBad · 14/04/2025 19:15

Read your OP objectively and you will see you were never K's priority, you won't be now either.

He's had a scare, you might be foolish enough to nurse him if it happens again hence the contact.

Open your eyes

Edited

This.

He didn't contact me as he felt he didn't want me to hurt me again.
I think if timing had of been different we would have been life partners.

You wouldn’t. He didn’t contact you because he didn’t want to. It’s nothing to do with timing, and everything to do with the fact that he doesn’t love you, if he had loved you back then he would have made sure he was with you when he was available to be your life partner. Sorry to be blunt but K is having his cake and eating it with you, and he’s sucking you in again now to try and get you to shag him and nurse him, as he’s been confronted with his own mortality. If he was really bothered, he would have contacted you when he split up with his wife.

Really focus on what you currently have. if it isn’t what you want then leave, but leave for YOU, not some lecherous, using old man.