What do you wish you’d learned sooner about relationships?

[helgut]

This is easy for me but wondered what else people have learned the hard way (or not).

For me it’s:
learning about boundaries
recognising red flags
what love bombing is
that giving someone the silent treatment is abusive
how to handle finances within a relationship

You live and learn and by making these errors that’s how we grow and improve but my god, I wish I’d had at least some conversations about these things. I may not have listened but some of it may have stuck.

Yes, spotting red flags, especially of commitmentphobes. Or just not wasting too much of my life trying to make them work.

That you can't change someone. You can't love someone into treating you better. That no one is going to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. You need to look after yourself.

If they have a drink problem, it’ll be your problem too getting your head round it so don’t bother going down that path.
Same with money issues.

I used to think that give and take all worked out in the end and that keeping a tally was silly. However I have supported others through difficult times to not have that reciprocated when the going got tough for me. Same as thinking that if I facilitate my partner to have kid free time or extra money on their hobbies then I will get the same thing when I need a break or want something.

Being the partner that you want the other person to be does not work.

Not to be a "people-pleaser".

Knowing when to walk away.

Earning your own money keeps the relationship equal.

@helgut all of your list + what a healthy relationship looks like

That people respond to the bar you set. If you refuse to be talked down to, taken for granted, treated as a home help then you won't be. If you expect to be respected and appreciated anyone capable of this will meet your standards and any lowlife user will run away.

Yes, forgot to mention that one.

When someone shows you who they are, believe it the first time.

-That you have to work at relationships.
-That communication is very important - you can’t be afraid to have difficult conversations.
-That it’s better to be single than in a sub-standard relationship even if it’s not abuse and he’s “nice enough”.

Keep financial independence

Keep talking to each other.

Relationships are hard

Friendship is ultimately deeper than love

There is no real intimacy without vulnerability and honesty (bummer)

Kindness is vital

Sharing the load is vital

Finding each other funny is pretty vital

That, like going to the gym consistently even when you don’t feel like it is good for your health, making time for your partner consistently even when you don’t feel like it - to share mundanities, be emotionally intimate and for sex - will make for a better relationship (I mean, I knew these things mattered, it was just the consistency I had to learn)

At least some financial independence for both parties really helps

Sometimes you have to chose between being happy and being right

Sexual boundaries. Ex pushed me to do some weird shit. I do laugh about it now, but if I said I wasn’t a bit traumatised I’d be lying. Also, if a man tells you he has a fetish, it’s probably the tip of the ice burg and he’s testing the waters.

I wish I'd learnt that sooner. It took me many decades of heartbreak before I got it.

Be yourself rather than a version of who they want you to be.

It's never 50/50.

You have to know when to compromise. Not every issue is the be all and end all. But never compromise who you are or what your boundaries are.

Appreciate the small things they often add up more than the grand gestures.

Actions always speak louder than words.

Take time to actually enjoy the highs.

Having a baby doesn't mean you'll be happier together.

Make sure your values and politics align.

Massively different sex drives are always a massive issue in the end.

Once resentment sets in, it's already too late.

I think this is the hardest part of relationships. Especially when you’re in your 20s/30s and still learning who you are.

The main thing I have learned is that relationships just aren't worth the bother. I am quite happy with my opinion and do not have any desires to get into one again!

This is possibly the best post I have ever read.
Wish I'd realised this at 21.😕

Head over heart is the biggie. Don't get sucked in to the love/romance side of things without giving equal thought to the practicalities and realities. It's too easy to start ignoring the red flags when you're "in luuuuve!"

Equality. Keep things equal right from the start. Me and OH had a "joint purse" when we went for day trips or holidays together at first. We'd both put the same amount of money into the purse and then use it for "equal" spendings like a meal if we both ate/drank similar priced items, or bought similar priced souvenirs, or attraction entry fees, etc. If one of us wanted something that the other didn't, then they'd pay out of their own money. Neither of us ever felt beholden to the other nor that we owed the other anything. Put us on an equal footing virtually from day one which worked well as we bought a house together, got married, had a child, etc. We've always been equal financially - it's a good habit to get into.

Self respect. Never do anything you don't want to do or aren't comfortable doing. Don't let the other person start playing the emotional blackmail card. Learn to say no, and mean it.

Boundaries. Set your boundaries early and stick to them. If you want to go out with the girls every Friday, then continue doing it, whether or not your new partner likes it or not. If you don't want to sit like a lemon watching them do their "hobby/interest" every Sunday, then don't go. Ever.

Red flags. Take notice of any red flags. Don't let them persuade you it was someone else's fault, your fault, "because they were drunk" or any other feeble excuse. If they do something or act in a way you don't like and aren't comfortable with, read the signs, and walk away. Learn to realise you're not going to change them and don't waste your time trying.

Far better to find out what your prospective new partner is really like as soon as possible so you can make an informed decision whether there's a future or not, and best to walk away early.

In contrast to some of the advice here, I think if you see a future with someone, trying to be equal financially is a bit of a buzzkill. If you want to book a weekend trip away or concert tickets or whatever, do it and don’t ask for the money. If he’s a good guy he’ll reciprocate soon enough. I have never taken note of what a boyfriend has eaten or drunk to work out who spent more on dinner. I can’t think of anything more joyless. Watching the pennies and being overly concerned with paying fair share / not owing each other anything is a romance killer, IME. It evens out over time so don’t fret.

Trying to make yourself indispensable to somebody does not mean that you won't be disposed of eventually.
They just find someone else to do all their shit for them.

That you are allowed to leave them.
That you are allowed to tell other people about what’s going on in them.

Let’s just say I needed quite a bit of therapy to undo a lot of very problematic conditioning from my childhood.

Boundaries. Not to be a "good girl" and a people pleaser. How to tell when someone is messing you around. How to tell when someone is probably lying. You don't actually need to be in a relationship to be a valid person. My self esteem was in bits in my late teens due to bullying and I'm sure it contributed to the abusive relationship I found myself in.