Page 2 | What do you wish you’d learned sooner about relationships?

helgut · 2025-04-13T21:52:44+00:00

This is easy for me but wondered what else people have learned the hard way (or not). For me it’s: learning about boundaries recognising red flags what love bombing is that giving someone the silent treatment is abusive how to handle finances within a relationship You live and learn and by making these errors that’s how we grow and improve but my god, I wish I’d had at least some conversations about these things. I may not have listened but some of it may have stuck.

taxguru · 14/04/2025 16:12

Crushed23 · 14/04/2025 15:17

In contrast to some of the advice here, I think if you see a future with someone, trying to be equal financially is a bit of a buzzkill. If you want to book a weekend trip away or concert tickets or whatever, do it and don’t ask for the money. If he’s a good guy he’ll reciprocate soon enough. I have never taken note of what a boyfriend has eaten or drunk to work out who spent more on dinner. I can’t think of anything more joyless. Watching the pennies and being overly concerned with paying fair share / not owing each other anything is a romance killer, IME. It evens out over time so don’t fret.

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You'd hope it would even out over time, but often it doesn't. Managing expectations and being upfront is vital to avoid arguments and disagreements in the future. When I first got together with OH, we did the same, i.e. set boundaries and expectations right from the first date really, talked over everything in advance, i.e. costs for a night out or a day out, and agreeing beforehand re extras etc so neither of use would go "off piste" and buy/do something we'd not pre-agreed. It certainly wasn't a "romance killer" for us, quite the opposite, it meant we weren't harboring grudges or resentments etc and were "free" to enjoy the moment, nor having disagreements during the night/day out etc. Pre-planning everything really worked for us. My previous relationship had been the opposite with him being a "taker", not paying his fair share, expecting me to do all the driving (and paying for petrol etc), and it caused a lot of arguments and friction. That's why I was firm about boundaries and expectations for subsequent relationships, right from the first date really.

Pokske · 14/04/2025 16:16

When the writing is on the wall, read it and act upon what you read.
[Alcohol, drugs, gambling, weird fetishes,...]

CrystalSingerFan · 14/04/2025 16:16

Sexual compatibility is a thing. Don't waste time thinking, ooh, it's not good, what's wrong? Maybe you're not sexually compatible. What do YOU want? Can you ask for it? Can you leave if they're not interested? Everything else is surely just managing friendships...

BeneathTheSea · 14/04/2025 16:26

That relationships come and go but the love you have for yourself will always be constant. The right relationship can enhance your life, the wrong relationship can ruin it. Show people how you expect to be treated. Raise your standards, in every area of your life and you will attract better people.
Learning to love being alone is the best life lesson ever, you won't ever let yourself down,you've got your own back, your own finances, your own quite and peaceful way of life.
Some relationships are not meant to be forever, and that's ok, let them go with love.
Strengthen the relationships you have with friends and family.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/04/2025 16:27

That a relationship should be an interesting and rewarding addition to your life, not the centre and focus of your life.

GoodCharl · 14/04/2025 16:39

Really wish id started reading mumsnet/it was around when i was younger. Ive learnt so much and feel so much more empowered by the advice on here

Crushed23 · 14/04/2025 17:01

taxguru · 14/04/2025 16:12

You'd hope it would even out over time, but often it doesn't. Managing expectations and being upfront is vital to avoid arguments and disagreements in the future. When I first got together with OH, we did the same, i.e. set boundaries and expectations right from the first date really, talked over everything in advance, i.e. costs for a night out or a day out, and agreeing beforehand re extras etc so neither of use would go "off piste" and buy/do something we'd not pre-agreed. It certainly wasn't a "romance killer" for us, quite the opposite, it meant we weren't harboring grudges or resentments etc and were "free" to enjoy the moment, nor having disagreements during the night/day out etc. Pre-planning everything really worked for us. My previous relationship had been the opposite with him being a "taker", not paying his fair share, expecting me to do all the driving (and paying for petrol etc), and it caused a lot of arguments and friction. That's why I was firm about boundaries and expectations for subsequent relationships, right from the first date really.

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Each to their own, but ‘pre planning everything’ is a romance killer for me. Leaves no room for spontaneity and treating the other person because you feel like it. Keeping a mental excel spreadsheet so you’re never paying more than your boyfriend sounds like an overhead I wouldn’t want in my life. I think this is why I’m attracted to easygoing men - it suggests a relaxed attitude to money. I can totally understand your caution if you were financially taken advantage of / abused in a past relationship, however.

Shubbypubby · 14/04/2025 17:02

Probably to stay single they’re not worth the hassle 😂 I don’t regret motherhood at all but I can’t think of a single relationship or sexual interaction I’ve had with men that has been worth it.

stayathomer · 14/04/2025 17:05

Communication is so important- you have a problem, talk about it!
thst it’s important to make time for each other
that being with the right person is amazing
that nobody is perfect, they’re not and you’re definitely not!!!!!!

AtomicBlondeRose · 14/04/2025 17:09

In the early days - don’t waste time worrying about whether they like you, actually think about whether you like them!

Crushed23 · 14/04/2025 17:12

GivingUpFinally · 14/04/2025 01:47

It's never 50/50.

You have to know when to compromise. Not every issue is the be all and end all. But never compromise who you are or what your boundaries are.

Appreciate the small things they often add up more than the grand gestures.

Actions always speak louder than words.

Take time to actually enjoy the highs.

Having a baby doesn't mean you'll be happier together.

Make sure your values and politics align.

Massively different sex drives are always a massive issue in the end.

Once resentment sets in, it's already too late.

Just to add to the mismatched sex drive point, a low sex drive is sometimes a sign that the relationship isn’t right for you. The body rejects what the mind doesn’t want. I had zero sex drive in my past relationship (actually ended up investigating it medically with multiple doctors as I was only early 30s at the time) but it turned out that I just didn’t fancy my boyfriend. Now with a new partner and my sex drive is back to normal.

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 17:44

TossieFleacake · 14/04/2025 15:23

Trying to make yourself indispensable to somebody does not mean that you won't be disposed of eventually.
They just find someone else to do all their shit for them.

How true !
Been there and got the teashirt.🙄