I was frozen out and don’t know how to move forward with a friend.

[Anothercoat]

Three close friends, L, T and B. Each others children’s godmothers/bridesmaids etc. A close friend of one of L whom she knew from being neighbours also came out with us sometimes and would come along when we would meet up. We were all living far from each other so it would end up four of us. The “friend of friend” (F) never liked me and whilst not overtly hostile there was always a sharp edge to her. She would organise meet ups when she knew I couldn’t go and made a point about how close she was to the other two women.

T had a horrible time of things for a while and was by her own admission, prickly. F gave her a huge slagging behind her back and yet simultaneously reached out to T and told her I’d said awful things. I hadn’t. Then she did the same to L, who called me saying “what’s this I hear that you’ve been saying etc” and I denied it obviously because it was all lies.

Next thing the 4 of them meeting up is splashed all over our socials and when I asked what I’d done, F said that they had the right to meet up as they saw fit and to get over myself. Then she told a few more lies about me. T said she would never speak to me again, and L said that she would see me but only the two of us, and anyway they weren’t all seeing each other without me, and it’s not her fault if F and T were friendly.

I was really hurt and there was nothing I could do. I pointed out that F had lied through her teeth and had got what she wanted which was me out of the picture entirely. L said she was just as upset as me and she still wanted us to be friends, and to be fair went to a big effort to come over to see me.

And yet they all still meet up. L doesn’t have any socials but F, who unfriended me, only has their meet-ups on her socials and without going into detail, has made sure that I’d see it.

L hasn’t mentioned any of this and I think doesn’t know I know. I just feel it’s so shit and disloyal of L, who just wants to stay well in with everyone I think.

L has mentioned a visit saying she hasn’t been away for ages and yet I can see that she has, with T and F!

we have been friends for decades but I also feel like I have to just suck all this up and it feels so rough.

Well done if you’re still with me.

TL;DR Got Wendied by F who is a manipulative liar.

They aren’t true friends. You need to block and move on. As for L, I’d be very wary, she might be reporting back to the others. Might just be best to bin the lot of them and find better friend s

It's horrible and sadly I'd step away from them all...none of them have any qualms about staying friends with F despite how shitty she is being to you, and they've all believed her lied and not stood up for you. They're not being friends to you.

Thankyou for replying. I know you’re right. L has always stated in touch but plainly it’s easier to keep on with T and F, who was her friend to begin with, than think about my feelings about it all.

And yes, L likely being a smiling assassin and reporting back for gossip. Step away and look for who's next on Fs hit list without you to bully and scapegoat.

L has proved herself to be a liar, to manipulate the situation to suit herself.

The group will implode once you cut L off and she has nothing to feed back to them. F will probably start on L next.

Bin them all off and find some new friends.

I don’t think L is the smiling assassin type - more that she sort of prides herself on not falling out with anyone. Plus we go way way way back.

I sympathise, as I have friends I’ve known since school and it would take something major for me to cut them off.

I think you can still keep in touch with L
as a casual acquaintance if you wish but keep it all very neutral and make no mention of the other two girls (and shut down any conversation topics about the other two if it pops up). WRT the other girls, block everywhere. They’re toxic and will do no good for your self-esteem.

And yes, put your energies into better friends.

L prides herself on not falling out with anyone? This is not an admirable quality. She's weak and has no standards.

Detach. Disappear. Say nothing apart from polite, bland things.

They are not your friends.

It is painful. This has happened to me and it took a while to heal and move on but I did. You can too.

The worst thing you can do for yourself is to keep on trying with L.

I’d assume L wants to be friends with you and with them. Either block the others on sm and have a seperate friendship with L if you trust her. Or walk away from them all. Eventually they will realise what F is like but that’s on them.

I would be glad I was a mature adult, leave them to it and get on with my life, I genuinley have no idea how grown adults have the time and energy for all this drama it feels like being back in school - does anyone have fulltime jobs?

I'd F the FO if I were you, just reading your post made me exhausted.

but I have zero patience and CBA with all that hassle! Yes @BlondiePortz once you leave school, it's thank god I don't have to put up with playground behaviour.

This happened to me about 25 years ago, I felt so isolated and hurt. It was work friends and they turned the whole department against me so I resigned and found another job and eventually moved house too. We didn't have socials then so fortunately I couldn't watch them party without me.

Last year I got a fb message from one of the group. The ringleader has done it again and it made another reflect on how they'd treated me. She apologised and wanted us to pick up where we'd left off. I declined.

I remember how painful this was at the time and it's made me wary of friendship groups since. Eventually you'll feel better but it takes time. This group will implode, it always does when there's someone toxic involved.

I'd be wary of your remaining 'friend'. Good luck.

It is the very reason the word 'frenemy' was invented @S0upertrooper

well done you for refusing to get sucked back in again - that contact was only to assuage their guilty conscience.

Thanks all. It really is exhausting to think about. We are (and this is the bizarre kicker) all in our sixties. So that’s how far back we go. When this all blew up I said to L this was like being caught in some sort of Mean Girls thing and I really can’t be bothered with it. We’ve stayed in touch though and she always makes the effort on birthdays whereas I was prepared to let things go.

And that’s how we had been for the last few years but then bloody social media pops up and there they all are having a high time, PLUS photos at the same annual event going back yonks and I’m on those. And I may be getting on a bit but it really hurt!

@Anothercoat I could rant about this for ages but I'll spare you

I really feel for you. It really isn't you. It's a sign of the times. It's interesting that you mentioned social media because I don't use it with friends but still loads of issues abound.

It doesn't surprise me to hear that you are in your 60s. The societal change goes across all age groups. I think there's a poundshop therapy culture (there may be a proper term for this ) and a social media culture that has affected even people who don't use it. But that's a very long thread.

Also, few think friendship is important anymore. My late father used to go on about the importance of friendship. It's only six years ago that he died and I didn't understand why he was making the point to me.... I was always going to keep up friendships. Until other people didn't want to.

And I cannot believe the massive shift that has occurred since then. I actually looked back on quite a few of the things that he said and I wonder if he had already picked up on some societal shifts, particularly the ones caused by social media, etc

I always thought that once people had been through quite a lot together, they would be more secure in their friendships. But a lot of people just seem to decide that once troubles are over, it's time to move on and look for the next dopamine hit. I think that might be part of what's happened to you.

Having said that, I no longer introduce people! I don't really have any people though to be honest.

I agree with this.

I'd try to keep L as a friend and completely forget about the other two - don't discuss them or the situation. That way you can try to maintain the individual friendship with her.

I think.the friendship with T is gone - but who knows how magnanamous or trusting you"ll feel a few years down the road when she has had it with F.

Op thats crap its like teen girls isnt it. Get rid you dont need that. Im friendly with 2 from my walking theres zero drama thats what you want. They 60s. Find grown women so mean when I temped she used sit with her back to me at lunch. Rude

@S0upertrooper
Your observation about friendship groups is a really interesting one.

Over the years I have been part of friendship groups, with no great falling- outs like the one the OP describes. (But not without a bit of drama that was hard to negotiate at the time.)

But my lasting friendships are the ones I've pursued at an individual level.

When this all blew up I said to L this was like being caught in some sort of Mean Girls thing and I really can’t be bothered with it. We’ve stayed in touch though and she always makes the effort on birthdays whereas I was prepared to let things go.
And are you sure she didn't go back to them saying " @Anothercoat said this"....

Well no I suppose I can’t be sure. But that wouldn’t be like her if she did.

I think I’m meant to just ignore the whole situation and because she doesn’t see the social media bit, isn’t seeing what has upset me.

I have no wish at all to rekindle a friendship with T. I feel enormously let down by her. But seeing L with her and the others, at an event we all used to go to together, makes me feel like L never said to any of them “this is unfair to B.”

So there’s an update. I’d had a shitty day and L had called and we were having a catchup and she was really sort of pushing meeting up and I said she obviously had been away a lot, because it’s all over F’s socials that they’ve had a few weekends at L’s second home. I thought “screw it” and said that I wasn’t keen to meet up because I felt really let down by her and how happily she was willing to sideline me to keep it all going with the others. I was very calm but I said that if she hadn’t kept in touch I would have let things slide. I said I was particularly hurt by the fact that she had said that they wouldn’t all be meeting up when plainly that was untrue.

What she said amazed me - she said “well I really did mean that when I said it.”

I said I didn’t know what I was meant to do with such a statement and that it all felt really disloyal and unfair. We were both quite tearful by that point. We have texted photos and things since of the kids and stuff but haven’t spoken since. She sent me a message straight after saying “Sorry for letting things lapse” which from my POV rather missed the point, I felt.

Theyve all been away together recently, and at least this time L told me rather than pretending. But really I can’t be arsed with it all. I’m still astounded how this has all gone.

Op when apparently did you say these awful things that only F knows about? You and F are not close , have the other two not wondered how and when these things were said as you and F dont talk. Very odd.

I'm 60 .
This happened to me but with family.
Lunches and days out are arranged for days that they know I'm unavailable . It hurts like bloody hell BUT I chose to detach myself lovingly and just to smile and nod when I am included because we are part of a large family and it would all be seen as me causing a drama that 'doesn't exist' I can tell you it very much exists they have managed to hurt me beyond belief.
But in order to protect my mental health I have to step back and put their behaviour down to something in them that makes this treatment of me seem ok to them .

My advice to you is to step back.
Don't let them know you are hurt do what you have to do but keep them at arm's length and let their friendship implode without you having to lift a finger .

I wish you well and completely understand your hurt .

Well exactly! I pointed this out but the line seems to be “Why would F lie?” But she did. Through her teeth. And instead of L and others pinning her down about when and how etc they just accepted it as fact. I would guess because it just seems too bizarre to believe that a middle aged woman would make this shit up.

New friends. My head hurts trying to keep up!