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Original poster

He didn’t say he loves me too.

48 replies

Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:41

Just that really. We’ve been together for a year and 3 months, he met my kids two weeks ago. We’re happy, but we’d never said it. It was shown in how we behave with each other, I thought, but never said. We had date night last night; dressed up for a very fancy dinner, drinks, nice walk home. We went to bed and when we were finished there, I said it. He kissed me lots, sort of until the moment passed, and there was some heavy petting and more kissing and then we cuddled and he said goodnight.

If he doesn’t love me after a year, then I don’t think he ever will? I don’t know what to do. I love him, i’m happy, the kids liked him. But the realisation that he doesn’t love me is hard to take and I don’t know what to say to him or do I ignore it, leave him even though i’m happy? I don’t know.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:44

How about just asking him outright

“do you love me?”

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:45

Neither of you in 15 months have ever said you’re happy?!

CiscoTS · 13/04/2025 15:46

I never say it either. Some people don’t, whether they feel it or not. I can’t stand saying it. No idea why, probably issues from childhood I expect.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:47

CiscoTS · 13/04/2025 15:46

I never say it either. Some people don’t, whether they feel it or not. I can’t stand saying it. No idea why, probably issues from childhood I expect.

Have you loved someone? And that person has said it you? And you have never said back?

Original poster
Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:47

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:45

Neither of you in 15 months have ever said you’re happy?!

Sorry; I meant we never said I love you, was just continuing on from the thread title.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:49

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:44

How about just asking him outright

“do you love me?”

That is obviously the most logical way. I was just worried how the directness would come across, especially if he really does answer no. It’s kind of awkward.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:50

Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:49

That is obviously the most logical way. I was just worried how the directness would come across, especially if he really does answer no. It’s kind of awkward.

Show quote history

You have children
He has met them
You need to be direct

MoominMai · 13/04/2025 16:04

I can offer a different perspective. When I’d been with my ex for over a year and bit he said he loved me and I never said it back. Reason being because he was very full on from the start and so he naturally said it earlier than me I guess. Whilst I very much cared for him I couldn’t say I loved him as up to that point all we’d done was have fun times out together and good sex. However, I struggled to get him to be serious at times or even emotionally connect on a bit of a deeper level and until that happened I didn’t want to lie and say it back. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t 100% invested in him and I truly felt he was the one and fully expected in time to want to say it to him. Anyway in my case, I was right in hindsight as after a year or so, pink flags turned crimson and I ended it anyway. I hope this post has resonated with someone and makes some sort of sense!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/04/2025 16:14

Up until the other day you'd never said it to him either. Why are you suddenly panicking now?

DP didn't tell me she loved me for a good year after I told her I loved her. She'd not long gotten out of an engagement prior to meeting me that was abusive and she felt utterly trapped in, so she was very wary about taking that step again. We had a three month old child by the time she finally said it. (We did a lot of things in the "wrong" order)

I just said "I know", when she told me, and kissed her on the forehead. Because I did. The whole reason I told her I loved her the year before was because she'd gone out of her way to do something for me with absolutely no benefit for her, and I'd thought "Bloody hell, she must really love me to have done that, I need to let her know I feel the same"

Any idiot can say "I love you". It's three words, and not particularly complicated ones at that. Instead, she showed me that she loved me every day, she made me feel loved. 20 years later she still does.

Who knows why your partner didn't say it @Blackdow . Maybe he has a reason why he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Maybe he intended the kiss to signify it without words. Maybe he didn't want to say it just as a response to you saying it and wants to find his own moment. Or maybe he thinks you only said it because you just had mind-blowing sex. Or maybe he's just not there yet.

If you need to know,then ask him. But at the end of the day it's just words. It's the actions that matter.

Elcad · 13/04/2025 16:18

That's just words though. Do you usually talk about your feelings together ? He may be uncomfortable with expressing them or still too soon for him maybe.
Do you share good moments? Do you make plans for the future?

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 16:22

Are you sure you love him?

seems odd to be seriously thinking finishing it with someone that you supposedly love just because they didn’t immediately say it to you back

Original poster
Blackdow · 13/04/2025 16:57

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 16:22

Are you sure you love him?

seems odd to be seriously thinking finishing it with someone that you supposedly love just because they didn’t immediately say it to you back

We had issues 3 months in, with his communication. But we worked it out and stayed together and it’s been great. It was worth it. But I’m worried we’re back to the poor communication, which is why I’m worried about being direct and asking if he is back to struggling to communicate, but i’m also worried he didn’t say it because he doesn’t feel it and that I’m just going to get hurt if he never does.

OP posts:
Queeneel · 13/04/2025 18:12

what happened after 3 months?

and op you’re thinking about finishing it because he hasn’t said I love you back. That really doesn’t say much about the strength of your love for him
and it sounds like you struggle with communication too given you are very worried about actually talking to him about his feelings

Chewbecca · 13/04/2025 18:15

My 5 year old GD complained to me this week that my DH didn't respond with 'I love you too' when she told him she loved him this week. He didn't realise it was actually a request for a declaration of his love and was barely listening (as per usual).

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 18:26

They're words. Everyone can say them. Look at his actions.

I never say it. People throw those words around to the point of meaninglessness.

MoominMai · 13/04/2025 19:56

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 18:12

what happened after 3 months?

and op you’re thinking about finishing it because he hasn’t said I love you back. That really doesn’t say much about the strength of your love for him
and it sounds like you struggle with communication too given you are very worried about actually talking to him about his feelings

This 💯. No disrespect to OP but she seems to have an immature approach to relationships if she’s thinking of ending it on this point alone. More so, without even communicating her concerns directly to her OH which is exactly her own concerns about him! Also, no relationship will ever be perfect and it’s quite possible to have a wonderful partner who never says those three words and also an abusive partner who constantly says it as a controlling tactic so it’s very narrow minded anyway to fixate on this. I can understand someone’s concern about not hearing it but then you just weigh up their actions which as many others have said what’s ultimately counts more than words.

winter8090 · 14/04/2025 06:34

i agree that actions speak so much louder than words.

However if this is bothering you (and I see why it is) I think it should be addressed before it starts to decay.

Begin by saying you noticed that when you told him you loved him he didn’t say it back and asking him if he does love you.

Trinzy · 14/04/2025 06:57

Blackdow · 13/04/2025 16:57

We had issues 3 months in, with his communication. But we worked it out and stayed together and it’s been great. It was worth it. But I’m worried we’re back to the poor communication, which is why I’m worried about being direct and asking if he is back to struggling to communicate, but i’m also worried he didn’t say it because he doesn’t feel it and that I’m just going to get hurt if he never does.

Show quote history

That indicates a some level of insecurity on your side.

I’ve always been a fan of actions speak louder than words.

However your post suggests that you are going to run to protect yourself. Does this come from previous experience/hurt?

DaringTurtle · 14/04/2025 07:19

My partner of 11 months has never said it to me. I told him 4 months ago and he responded with “I think I’m falling in love with you…”. That was enough for me to know he had deeper feelings but he has never said it since. So neither have I. I feel totally secure though & he shows me love & care in everything he does. Having had other relationships where men said it too early, too often, or as a form of emotional blackmail I’d much rather have someone who showed love and treated me with respect than just said it. OP do you feel loved? That’s all that matters to me now.

TwentyKittens · 14/04/2025 07:24

Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:41

Just that really. We’ve been together for a year and 3 months, he met my kids two weeks ago. We’re happy, but we’d never said it. It was shown in how we behave with each other, I thought, but never said. We had date night last night; dressed up for a very fancy dinner, drinks, nice walk home. We went to bed and when we were finished there, I said it. He kissed me lots, sort of until the moment passed, and there was some heavy petting and more kissing and then we cuddled and he said goodnight.

If he doesn’t love me after a year, then I don’t think he ever will? I don’t know what to do. I love him, i’m happy, the kids liked him. But the realisation that he doesn’t love me is hard to take and I don’t know what to say to him or do I ignore it, leave him even though i’m happy? I don’t know.

So really you just wanted him to say it back even if he didn't mean it and you'd be happy?

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 07:44

DaringTurtle · 14/04/2025 07:19

My partner of 11 months has never said it to me. I told him 4 months ago and he responded with “I think I’m falling in love with you…”. That was enough for me to know he had deeper feelings but he has never said it since. So neither have I. I feel totally secure though & he shows me love & care in everything he does. Having had other relationships where men said it too early, too often, or as a form of emotional blackmail I’d much rather have someone who showed love and treated me with respect than just said it. OP do you feel loved? That’s all that matters to me now.

Since he said “I think I’m falling in love with you” 4 months ago, have you asked whether he’s made up his mind yet? @DaringTurtle

have you said it again?

Randomer27 · 14/04/2025 07:58

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 13/04/2025 18:26

They're words. Everyone can say them. Look at his actions.

I never say it. People throw those words around to the point of meaninglessness.

I disagree. Words are important. I mean we all know that nasty words have meaning - that’s why we make sure children don’t get the habit of calling each other belittling or derogatory names.

What conclusion do you expect people, including your children, to draw if you won’t tell them you love them, particularly if you are open to them knowing you are angry or disappointed with them.

What does ‘people throw those words around to the point of meaninglessness’ even mean anyway? And if I love you is now meaningless, what words should be used to express the sentiment that at one time was not meaningless.

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 08:06

Randomer27 · 14/04/2025 07:58

I disagree. Words are important. I mean we all know that nasty words have meaning - that’s why we make sure children don’t get the habit of calling each other belittling or derogatory names.

What conclusion do you expect people, including your children, to draw if you won’t tell them you love them, particularly if you are open to them knowing you are angry or disappointed with them.

What does ‘people throw those words around to the point of meaninglessness’ even mean anyway? And if I love you is now meaningless, what words should be used to express the sentiment that at one time was not meaningless.

Show quote history

Great post
and I totally agree

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 08:08

@alwaysdeleteyourcookies do you love anyone?

Quiceinalifetime · 14/04/2025 08:13

Blackdow · 13/04/2025 15:49

That is obviously the most logical way. I was just worried how the directness would come across, especially if he really does answer no. It’s kind of awkward.

Show quote history

How about talking about what love means to you both and what it means when someone says I love you? He’ll know what you are referring to but gives him a chance to say what you mean to him and what it would take for him to say I love you. Perhaps he has had a bad experience or feels that the words are a trap or something.

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