He didn’t say he loves me too.

[Blackdow]

Just that really. We’ve been together for a year and 3 months, he met my kids two weeks ago. We’re happy, but we’d never said it. It was shown in how we behave with each other, I thought, but never said. We had date night last night; dressed up for a very fancy dinner, drinks, nice walk home. We went to bed and when we were finished there, I said it. He kissed me lots, sort of until the moment passed, and there was some heavy petting and more kissing and then we cuddled and he said goodnight.

If he doesn’t love me after a year, then I don’t think he ever will? I don’t know what to do. I love him, i’m happy, the kids liked him. But the realisation that he doesn’t love me is hard to take and I don’t know what to say to him or do I ignore it, leave him even though i’m happy? I don’t know.

Of course I love people. I tend to show them, though. I'm perfectly OK with being in the minority on this. Those words don't mean much to me. Words don't matter if your actions don't align.

What does ‘people throw those words around to the point of meaninglessness’ even mean anyway?

I mean it in the same way that everything's fantastic, people love everyone and everything even though they might mean that they find something or someone pleasant or interesting.

I accept that others won't agree with this view. And I don't have children - by choice - before posters feel sorry for them.

But do you love anyone @alwaysdeleteyourcookies

I've answered that. Why is it so important, anyway?

They might mean a lot to the other person though.

Also what is the understanding that you want the other person to have, it really isn’t clear to me. The only inference I would draw is

1. She doesn’t tell me that she loves me, because she doesn’t love me.

I really think that if you are transparent in your other communication, that those whom you love won’t know. Why would anyone assume that you do, ahead of assuming that there are feelings of warmth and affection… but not love.

I guess that's what OP needs to communicate with her boyfriend. She's the one worrying and contemplating breaking up.

My family and friends seem quite happy with how things are, perhaps because they're similar. And that's the issue, isn’t it? OP is missing something from the boyfriend. So, ask.

I like this answer!

Why, what do you like about it?

May I ask a slightly different question, when you look at the totality of your communications, would you describe them tending to the open and transparent, or more tending to the oblique?

I’m guessing oblique partially because it isn’t clear what the ‘that’ of ‘that’s the issue’ specifically refers to.

Can you understand why an ILY that’s been wheedled out of him is truly worthless. How would you answer a direct question “Using your definition of love, do you love me?” because if the answer is “yes” and you say “I never say those words” then hopefully you can see how it’s throwing a bucket of cold sick on the relationship and will be received as a “No”.

I'm not sure why you feel you want to ask me all these questions about my communication style tbh. It works well for me in my life with the relationships I have. I'm not the OP, and my point initially was to say that if someone says they love you because they feel pressured to - or it's expected - then it doesn’t mean anything. Either she should look at the totality of their relationship and whether he's a good boyfriend judged on his actions. Or, she should find someone more suited to her - including communication styles.

I'm going to leave this thread. It seems my initial comments derailed it. I hope you work it out one way or another, OP.

The words 'I love you' are meaningless if they aren't backed by actions, but equally, 'loving' actions without the words can be misconstrued into meaning love when they don't mean that at all to the person who is doing them.

I totally see your point, OP - if he isn't saying 'I love you', then maybe he doesn't. If words are so easy and actions so difficult, then even less reason to avoid them.

But some people like to keep that get-out clause - to all intents and purposes you are in a loving relationship, and then one day they walk out the door, and you are supposed to be ok with it because 'I never said I loved you'.

Words and actions have to align - and that doesn't mean that the words part is meaningless.

I’ve not said it again - The longer we’ve been together the less I’ve felt the need because I’ve become more secure in where we are. If that makes sense. He says lots of other lovely things, we’ve met each others friends & family and make plans for the future. We’ve had conversations about past relationships which have given me more insight into why it might not be an easy thing for him to say and he’s also from a family where it’s not something that’s often said. Other people who have said it to me frequently and quickly have gone on to treat me badly so I understand when someone else described the words as “meaningless” because for some people they often are. “ I love you” is almost weaponised by some people to manipulate. Let someone show you how they feel by treating you properly.

Kids are involved now. You need to ask. Really should have clarified before Introducing him. He may need a few days if it came out of the blue but really over a year is long enough to know....

@Blackdowthis post resonates with me as I have been with my fella for 5 years and neither of us have said the L word! The big difference is I am 68 years old and he is 69. He's not one for expressing himself verbally at all. No doubt some people on this thread will say that this is not OK..there seems to be a lot of judgement on here and some unkindness. Only you can decide what's OK for you and nobody else. I am not a 100% happy that my fella has never said he loves me but I am not keen on being the one to say it first. Other than that we are very happy together but I think it might be different because we are so much older with grown up kids. At my age it's great to be in a happy loving relationship and enjoy life. Realistically not all relationships are perfect. It must be lovely to be told you are loved and adored by someone...if you feel the same way too. Unfortunately for a lot of people life is just not like that. Good luck in finding happiness and being at peace with yourself.

Has he said it since then OP?!

I didn't say it back to my DH when he told me the first time, or the second or the third... He never seemed to mind and this made me feel so much more secure with him. One day without realising I was going to the words tumbled out.

However you're together quite a while and he's met the kids. You do need to know if he sees a future with you. I'd ask him directly.

I'd say if you don't feel comfortable having an honest and open conversation with him after a year, that's telling you something in itself.

Why would being direct make you feel awkward?

Maybe he wanted to say it first....

For what reason? What do you suppose a man’s reasons for thinking that would be?

Who knows but maybe he just did. Some people like to say these things first, others don't have a preference. Each to their own.

Let’s say he did want to “say it first” @Talkwhilstyouwalk

Major red flag for his response to the Op saying it first is to not say it back to her just because she got in there first