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Original poster

Husband Changed Around MIL

31 replies

LuckysDadsHat · 13/04/2025 10:40

So my MIL is staying for a few days. We have always had just an ok relationship as she is very protective of her boys, and no one can say a bad thing about them.

This time though, it is the pettiest thing that has been the straw that broke the camels back.

We were out yesterday driving to a shop. I was sat in the back and politely said "it's much quicker if you turn left at the lights up ahead" (he very rarely goes to this shop when I go all the time). He absolutely let rip and said "I am not going to ever drive with you in the car again, if you tell me what to do." This is really unlike him to react like this and I was a bit pissed off with him but just said "I was only saying as I go here all the time".

So in a huff he turns left and after about 50yds said outloud "this is the reason I wasn't going this way, because of all the speed humps, is your hip alright mum?" And with that she starts holding her hip and going "oohhh" over every speed hump (which there were 4 on a 1.5 mile stretch of road) when she hadn't for the first 2 speed humps. I just stayed silent in the back of the car.

We then arrived at the shop, and we all got out...... or so I thought. I had my child with me and we walked out of the road of the car park to the shop and waited outside as I didn't want her being in the road. We looked back and couldn't see husband and MIL behind us which was odd, then I noticed the car wasn't where we had parked it. We carried on waiting and eventually they turned up. I asked where they had gone, and he said "well you just walked off" I replied "yes to get our child out of the road". Basically they had moved the car closer due to his mum's hip now being so painful due to the speed humps.

When we got into the shop, our child decided she needed the loo, so I say I am going to take her. There was a queue as the ladies was closed due to a fault so everyone was queueing for the disabled toilet. While queueing I get a message saying "we have waited too long, and my mum is struggling with her hip, so we are going back to the car."

I didn't get to buy what we had gone to that shop for, we just ended up going home.

I never got an apology, and so I took myself upstairs and left them to it for the afternoon. In the early evening after I got our child to bed, he came up and had a right go at me for staying upstairs. I said (and I know this is really petty) I won't be going back downstairs until I get an apology for how he spoke to me. He walked away.

Now, I know it all sounds very petty, and I fully agree it is, but this happens every time we see his Mum. It's like he reverts to this little boy, who has to do everything he can to please his Mum. His brother is exactly the same and his poor wife gets a tirade whenever we are all together with his Mum, but less so when it is just the 2 of them.

I know I have a "D"H problem in a way, but this only happens when we see his Mum. I can 100% assure you this never ever happens when she is not around. We see her about 5 times a year, so do I just suck it up for those times? Stay hidden when she is around to save my sanity or do I start looking at leaving for this?

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/04/2025 10:44

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
This is wild...

But equally my mil does strange things to my dh... so I can relate

How is your child? I'd be inclined to "do" breakfast and dinners then grab an early night... every night
because it's what I do now

Daytime always have plans with or without your child or have a "big job" to do garden etc.
"You go out and have fun ill see you later"

Original poster
LuckysDadsHat · 13/04/2025 10:53

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/04/2025 10:44

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
This is wild...

But equally my mil does strange things to my dh... so I can relate

How is your child? I'd be inclined to "do" breakfast and dinners then grab an early night... every night
because it's what I do now

Daytime always have plans with or without your child or have a "big job" to do garden etc.
"You go out and have fun ill see you later"

Edited

They have taken our daughter out now, so I am home alone which is a relief.

I just don't want to face either of them. MIL leaves tomorrow morning, thank god, but I know as I haven't sucked it up like I have done every other time for 12 years, that this will last a lot longer! He will go back to "normal" in a few days, but I just don't feel like it ignoring it anymore.

Sorry you also have to face this. Why are they such big men babies?

OP posts:
SnemonyLicket · 13/04/2025 11:26

Well you should call it out every time he’s unreasonable in her company. So when he got snappy in the car when you suggested he go a different route you should have responded along the lines of “it was only a suggestion…there’s no need to snap at me” and then when he got arsey about the speed bumps you could say “oh you should have said”. When he messaged you about waiting for the toilet, you could have messaged back saying that there was a long queue. Honestly, stand up for yourself. It might cause issues in the short term but long term it will make him think twice about being such a pathetic baby around his mother. You don’t need to silently take it just because his mum is present.

WitcheryDivine · 13/04/2025 11:33

He was really rude to you in the car and should have apologised but honestly what a palaver. Why were you all 4 going to a shop to get something? Couldn’t you just have popped out to get it and left the rest of them somewhere more fun? My mum has hip problems and if it’s painful it is no fun schlepping round carparks and round shops if there’s no real need and especially hanging about while you went to the toilet etc. I think both things can be true that MIL was genuinely in pain and that your husband is weird when she’s there.

I don’t think you should have spent the afternoon sulking, better to get 5 mins alone with your husband and just have a frank chat about it when you got back.

Why do you think your husband is arsey when his mum is around?

Original poster
LuckysDadsHat · 13/04/2025 11:43

WitcheryDivine · 13/04/2025 11:33

He was really rude to you in the car and should have apologised but honestly what a palaver. Why were you all 4 going to a shop to get something? Couldn’t you just have popped out to get it and left the rest of them somewhere more fun? My mum has hip problems and if it’s painful it is no fun schlepping round carparks and round shops if there’s no real need and especially hanging about while you went to the toilet etc. I think both things can be true that MIL was genuinely in pain and that your husband is weird when she’s there.

I don’t think you should have spent the afternoon sulking, better to get 5 mins alone with your husband and just have a frank chat about it when you got back.

Why do you think your husband is arsey when his mum is around?

We were already out as we had been out for breakfast. We were close to the shop I needed to go to , whereas if we had dropped them home it would have added on about an hour there and back if I had gone alone after dropping them home.

I did speak to him later on and he couldn't see anything wrong with his behaviour just had a go at me.

I have no idea why he does it, his brother does it as well so I assume it is some fucked up family trait. It's like they have something to prove to their Mum. It's very odd and off putting.

OP posts:
rwalker · 13/04/2025 11:43

Nothing worse than a backseat driver that would press my buttons

It does sound like you walked off I get getting child out of the rd but isn’t that just taking the to the side you must of gone a fair bit to not even notice the car had gone

Original poster
LuckysDadsHat · 13/04/2025 11:47

SnemonyLicket · 13/04/2025 11:26

Well you should call it out every time he’s unreasonable in her company. So when he got snappy in the car when you suggested he go a different route you should have responded along the lines of “it was only a suggestion…there’s no need to snap at me” and then when he got arsey about the speed bumps you could say “oh you should have said”. When he messaged you about waiting for the toilet, you could have messaged back saying that there was a long queue. Honestly, stand up for yourself. It might cause issues in the short term but long term it will make him think twice about being such a pathetic baby around his mother. You don’t need to silently take it just because his mum is present.

I wish I had. And i have done in the past to a smaller degree, but I have been so stressed and busy lately I just wanted it all to stop. We had a nice breakfast out all of us, and it was easier to stop at the shop on the way home as we were 5 mins away. My home is a 30 min drive away, so it made sense. Wouldn't have had an issue with them waiting in the car, if she was in pain. It just felt all so performative and like it was digs at me, but maybe I was reading too much into it.

They have gone out today and no mention of the hip today. And I am not unsympathetic to disabilities as my own mum is severely disabled, and I care for her daily!

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 13/04/2025 11:48

If he always behaves unpleasantly when his mother is there, I think you should start making sure he sees her without you. Ideally taking your children to visit at her house. You will get some time to yourself at home and they can do their performance bonding without you.

Original poster
LuckysDadsHat · 13/04/2025 11:49

rwalker · 13/04/2025 11:43

Nothing worse than a backseat driver that would press my buttons

It does sound like you walked off I get getting child out of the rd but isn’t that just taking the to the side you must of gone a fair bit to not even notice the car had gone

We didn't notice the car had gone at first as there was a car blocking our view. We were outside the 1 shop we were going to. It was about 70 yards away from where we parked.

OP posts:
User5274959 · 13/04/2025 12:00

I wouldn't be able to get past him speaking to me like that in the car infront of his mum. I'd feel humiliated. And if she didn't interject and call her son out on it too I would think very little of her.

Quercus6 · 13/04/2025 12:06

Not sure if this would be a bad idea but next time you’re in that type of situation I’d be tempted to just say “you know you only speak to me like that when your Mum is with us.” (Not snarky or anything… just the fact). Then add (whether he denies it or not) “your brother does it too.” Let everyone have a think about why it’s happening.

MoominMai · 13/04/2025 12:09

Firstly thank you for making me snort my tea all over my white linen blouse! 😭. The way you described mil clutching her hip right on cue after your OH voicing his concern was just so unexpected and hilarious haha. Seriously though, I’m shocked this awful treatment of you when mil is present is so prolonged with no sign of stopping. Personally I would address this ahead of the next visit and lay down your expectations. I mean your child is privy to the way you guys communicate and aside from your hurt feelings which is bad enough, he’s not setting a good example to him or her.

dothehokeycokey · 13/04/2025 12:15

I would have asked him if he had meant to be so rude when he spoke to me like that in front of his mum.

I then would have said to his mum he’s not normally rude

Olika · 13/04/2025 12:20

I would have a chat with him after MIL has left between the lines that @Quercus6suggested and then advice him that moving forwards if he continues it then he will be spending time/doing things with MIL without you.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 13/04/2025 12:23

Why would you leave the shop? Just say ok wait in the car I'll be 10mins just getting what I need? Stand up for yourself! And also back seat drivers are the worst!

OriginalUsername2 · 13/04/2025 12:37

Quercus6 · 13/04/2025 12:06

Not sure if this would be a bad idea but next time you’re in that type of situation I’d be tempted to just say “you know you only speak to me like that when your Mum is with us.” (Not snarky or anything… just the fact). Then add (whether he denies it or not) “your brother does it too.” Let everyone have a think about why it’s happening.

This is what I would do. Call out the situation while it’s happening and show you know what’s going on.

If it doesn’t stop, decline future outings on the basis of being used as some kind of scapegoat for their mother-son issues.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2025 13:50

rwalker · 13/04/2025 11:43

Nothing worse than a backseat driver that would press my buttons

It does sound like you walked off I get getting child out of the rd but isn’t that just taking the to the side you must of gone a fair bit to not even notice the car had gone

Really? Someone suggesting a different turning would make you lose your temper? Do you normally get irate at nothing when driving.

Even if the OP was in full back seat driver mode its a "yes dear", eye roll and carry on situation not a temper tantrum situation. There was nothing to stop the idiot boy simply saying "yes but I want to avoid the speed bumps due to DM's hip".

OP: If DH, his DB and DM are all such pillocks I would encourage him to go and visit her with the children rather than the other way around. I'd tell him why as well.

ReesesCupcake · 13/04/2025 13:58

He was asserting his dominance in front of his mother to show he is the boss for mummy points. I guess otherwise he would get it in the neck later for being under the thumb, given you say she is very ‘protective’ of her boys.

Then she sounds like she hammed it up with regards to her hip in the car to gain all the sympathy and attention.

Are all her sons enmeshed with her? She sounds quite manipulative from what you say. She is top dog, and you should accept being at the bottom of this weird hierarchy it would seem.

DrummingMousWife · 13/04/2025 13:58

Tell him mil will not be welcome again if he acts like such a twat when she is there.

nessiesnotreal · 13/04/2025 14:09

I'm going against the grain here I realise but It all sounds as petty as fuck. No he shouldn't have snapped at you in the car and should apologise for that but otherwise I don't see what else he has done that wrong. Everyone snaps now and again, we are all human, but you should have called him out on it at the time

If you look at it from his point of view it probably did look like you just walked off which would have appeared rude to him and like you walked off in a huff (even if you say that you didn't) Then you gave the silent treatment not talking in the car and then went sulked upstairs and sulked for the rest of the day which, when you have family over to stay is rude! No wonder he was pissed off at you.

And so what if he wants to please his Mum? Sounds like her hip is painful so he obviously wants to make sure she is okay and comfortable. She's his Mum! No wonder he wanted to take her back to the car so she wasn't having to wait in the shop. I don't actually think there is much wrong with that. He told you what he was doing, he didn't just leave you there and fuck off back to the car without telling you.

You don't sound like you like each other that much.

DoddlesMcDoddle · 13/04/2025 14:37

You really need to have a good talk to him and tell him you won't see MIL or have her around unless he changes his attitude. Maybe show him this thread.

GoodCharl · 13/04/2025 14:48

If you divorce, you wont have to put up with this shit ever again! 😹🫶🙌

Dweetfidilove · 13/04/2025 15:00

Hate back seat drivers.

Him shouting was mean and uncalled for.

MIL clutching her hip - ridiculous and should be treated as such 😂😂.

Why on earth did you leave the shop? Let them wait comfortably in the car, the idiots.

Zapx · 13/04/2025 15:13

Is saying “it's much quicker if you turn left at the lights up ahead” really back seat driving?!?! Sounds pretty reasonable to me. Although I hide when my in laws are round all the time - so maybe I’m biased 😂

If he’s going to behave like that when she’s there he’s hardly encouraging you to be with them is he… all sounds very odd tbh.

I’d carry on hiding, and if he asks why just tell him he always behaves appallingly when she’s round and you’ve decided to just not put up with it any more. (And that you look forward to him returning to normal after she’s gone)

Lavenderandbrown · 13/04/2025 15:32

I experience this with dbrother. Literally yelling at me in my house during holidays that I am hosting and paying for. Take baby steps and call the behavior out. Identify one thing…tone or rudeness or performative sonning/muming(I made those verbs up) and do it at the time it’s happening. Assert yourself in baby steps in your own home. He gave her license to complain about her hip so she did. There is some dynamic to that for sure. Ignore that behavior on both sides….is he setting himself up to take care of DM? Let him not you do that caring.

it’s hard for me too but don’t make driving suggestions. This always seems to be a spark to setting off the driver. My DH will drive in the bumpiest side of the road choose the most circuitous route and drive past multiple parking spots but I say nothing

never leave the store without the item you went for. Thats a control issue. Dc need loo that’s unavoidable. They wait in car while you wait for loo and then shop. Thats how errands work. Imagine his response if DM needed loo? Think he would have been hot to leave then?
i do believe you can make small but appreciable changes in how people treat you when you assert yourself and limit the shittaking.