Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't seem to think of me...

42 replies

YOUSEECOLOURS · 12/04/2025 23:18

My husband is away for a weekend with his cousins. Absolutely not problem that he's gone and glad that he's having a good time.... But is it too much to ask for him to just check in and see how me and the kids are doing? I did know his plane had landed until his mum told me, constant Instagram posts of the beers etc but not even a 'kids go to bed OK?' kind of text. Tonight I messaged to say I was feeling really poorly and our 4 year old wasn't playing ball but she was off to bed soon. Nothing....i don't expect him to stop having fun, or interrupt his night.... But is one text in 4 hours really too much to show he's thinking of us? I don't think I'm expecting much, I don't want him glued to his phone, calling and texting... But if he can make time for social media then can't he make time for us? My daughter asked what he did today and I had to make something up and say he missed her 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
category12 · 12/04/2025 23:26

Your message was a bit of a downer, it might have felt like you were trying to make him feel guilty.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want him to let you know he got there and check in on you as a priority over splashing it all over social media. He sounds a bit self absorbed and thoughtless. Is he that way normally or is it unusual?

Cynic17 · 12/04/2025 23:31

Why does he need to "check in"? Of course, you're absolutely fine - why wouldn't you be?
Not only is 4 hours an incredibly short timescale, but he's on holiday. There is really no reason for him to contact you at all while he's away, because it's meant to be his break.
If you have an emergency or crisis, I'm sure you can contact him.

Original poster
YOUSEECOLOURS · 12/04/2025 23:32

Sorry I should have mentioned that I also asked if he was having a nice time, said that his tour thay he did looked great too rather than just going straight in with the 'I don't feel well....'

He is very much a 'leave his bits on the side for me to clear rather than empty the dishwasher and put them in himself' kind of guy recently.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 12/04/2025 23:38

He’s on holiday. I don’t ’check in’ when I’m away and actually rarely look at my phone if I’m socialising.

You don’t have to make stuff up to tell your kids - just say ‘daddy’s on holiday so I’ve not heard from him’ it seems a bit over dramatic tbh

Sashya · 12/04/2025 23:40

If this were AIBU - i'd say, definitely.
Your H is away on a holiday with his cousins. Why would he be checking if the kids went to bed OK? Because you are not trustworthy to put them to bed??
You say you don't mind him having a break and having a good time - but, you do. As in you expect him to "check on you"? What does it even mean?
Are you vulnerable and unable to hold the fort - and in this case why is he away?
And if you are - why do you need to be checked on?
This level of neediness - and inability to let one partner do their thing for even a short time - is really stifling. I'd hate no be able to take a short break without being made to feel guilty - as you seem to be doing.

That said - you also need a break sometime. And I hope you are also able to take time off and leave the kids with him and spend time with your family, or friends.

IReallyLoveItHere · 12/04/2025 23:42

I think he's poor for not messaging you. My DH goes away regularly but always messages a few times because he is thinking of me and the DC.

Is it likely he's quite drunk? Pretty much everything will be forgotten fir a while.

I wouldn't message dh about difficulties with the DC when he's away though, it'll only make him feel bad and thees nothing he can do.

WxyzWxyz · 13/04/2025 00:00

To me messaging to say I've arrived OK is the normal thing to do.

I don't understand why going away on holiday when you are leaving your DW and your DC at home means you just stop being a husband and father the minute you have left home.

If he's got time to go on social media he's got time for a quick message.

So I agree with you OP I think it's very uncaring and quite weird not to be interested in your family and not to communicate at all.

HollyIvie · 13/04/2025 00:07

i think if he's able to post on social media he should find ten seconds to message you. I can see why this is annoying. A bit of consideration costs nothing

ShouldIEvenBother · 13/04/2025 00:13

Imagine a world where a mother goes away for a weekend with her cousins. She posts social media pictures of the wine and cocktails but doesn't bother to message her husband and ask how everyone is INCLUDING HER KIDS.

You'll have to imagine it because it doesn't happen.

Calliopespa · 13/04/2025 00:14

You’ll get two views on here op.

There’s the don’t be a nag view from those who themselves don’t like to feel they should keep others looped, and the others who think it’s just courtesy to let your partner know you arrived safely etc.

I think if you were wanting a text you probably shot yourself in the foot by sending a not-too-cheery update. He now knows you are fine ( albeit frustrated) and has less incentive to make contact.

But I’m with you: why not send a quick line so people feel remembered. All this “ it’s his break” is a bit pathetic, esp as he’s clearly got his phone with him.

SunflowerTed · 13/04/2025 00:16

To be honest you say you are glad he’s having a good time but not sure why he needs to know your child isn’t playing ball etc?! . cant he just enjoy his break and let you hold the fort?

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 00:23

He's only away for a weekend! Why would he need to check in and ask if the kids went to bed ok? It sounds like you were trying to make him feel bad by telling him you feel ill and your 4 yr old is playing up 🙄 If I were away with friends I would assume that DH and kids are fine and wouldn't feel the need to 'check in' with them. Let him have his weekend away in peace!

TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 00:28

ShouldIEvenBother · 13/04/2025 00:13

Imagine a world where a mother goes away for a weekend with her cousins. She posts social media pictures of the wine and cocktails but doesn't bother to message her husband and ask how everyone is INCLUDING HER KIDS.

You'll have to imagine it because it doesn't happen.

Of course it happens. Mums are allowed me time enjoying a few days away without having to check in that the kids have survived being put to bed by their father.

Pallisers · 13/04/2025 00:29

What different lives people live. So many mums on this thread who would go away for a weekend with their cousins and never contact their husband/partner to check in or even - god forbid - want to speak to that husband partner or children. 3 days no contact just fine.

In real life I don't know anyone - male or female - who goes off for a weekend and doesn't check in on their children.

So you and I are in the minority in MN, OP. Majority in my real life.

Calliopespa · 13/04/2025 00:30

Endofyear · 13/04/2025 00:23

He's only away for a weekend! Why would he need to check in and ask if the kids went to bed ok? It sounds like you were trying to make him feel bad by telling him you feel ill and your 4 yr old is playing up 🙄 If I were away with friends I would assume that DH and kids are fine and wouldn't feel the need to 'check in' with them. Let him have his weekend away in peace!

But he is “ feeling the need” to post on SM, which seems a bit juvenile. If he’s got time for that, he isn’t just focusing on socialising or relaxing.

To be honest I can never quite believe how many adults like to detail their every move on SM like a 16 year old; but for a father and DH to prioritise that over a quick text to check in on their family would give me the ick.

Calliopespa · 13/04/2025 00:32

Pallisers · 13/04/2025 00:29

What different lives people live. So many mums on this thread who would go away for a weekend with their cousins and never contact their husband/partner to check in or even - god forbid - want to speak to that husband partner or children. 3 days no contact just fine.

In real life I don't know anyone - male or female - who goes off for a weekend and doesn't check in on their children.

So you and I are in the minority in MN, OP. Majority in my real life.

Mine too. It’s weird not to want to check in. Of course everyone needs space but that doesn’t have to be in a vacuum of contact to be “ cool.”

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 00:35

I wouldn't have texted my husband if I was feeling poorly and no i would not appreciate if he did this to me unless otherwise was for a factual reason or we needed help with something, and no I don't feel the need to be checked in or to check on him

Pallisers · 13/04/2025 00:36

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 00:35

I wouldn't have texted my husband if I was feeling poorly and no i would not appreciate if he did this to me unless otherwise was for a factual reason or we needed help with something, and no I don't feel the need to be checked in or to check on him

so if you go away for a weekend you don't contact your children or your husband - whether they are sick or well. I actually don't know anyone in real life who behaves like that.

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 00:37

Calliopespa · 13/04/2025 00:32

Mine too. It’s weird not to want to check in. Of course everyone needs space but that doesn’t have to be in a vacuum of contact to be “ cool.”

Show quote history

Why do people do this 'trying to be cool thing' we are not back in school not everyone has the same relationships style or needs

Pallisers · 13/04/2025 00:40

In fairness, blondiePortz, it is because what you are describing is so far removed from how many of us live our lives. I don't think you are trying to be cool or anything but it is fascinating to me that a parent of small children would go away for a weekend and not check in once with home. Equally fascinating that they wouldn't want to.

TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 00:41

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 00:37

Why do people do this 'trying to be cool thing' we are not back in school not everyone has the same relationships style or needs

Show quote history

Totally agree. Having different ways of living is nothing to do with being ‘cool’ - people are different, who knew?

If I’m away with friends then I’m away. Unless it’s an emergency I don’t want to be disturbed

Not saying I wouldn’t message all weekend but probably not til the following morning. Certainly not within a few hours of leaving home.

BernardButlersBra · 13/04/2025 00:44

ShouldIEvenBother · 13/04/2025 00:13

Imagine a world where a mother goes away for a weekend with her cousins. She posts social media pictures of the wine and cocktails but doesn't bother to message her husband and ask how everyone is INCLUDING HER KIDS.

You'll have to imagine it because it doesn't happen.

100% this. The double standard is alive and well. The bar is set low. I'm confused by the vibe of the comments talking about not hassling him and him being on holiday. What a lovely man luxury 🙄

ShouldIEvenBother · 13/04/2025 00:45

Pallisers · 13/04/2025 00:40

In fairness, blondiePortz, it is because what you are describing is so far removed from how many of us live our lives. I don't think you are trying to be cool or anything but it is fascinating to me that a parent of small children would go away for a weekend and not check in once with home. Equally fascinating that they wouldn't want to.

This^ I don't know any woman who would go away for a weekend, post on SM but not contact her partner who she has kids with (her own family!). I find it weird that a bloke would also post on SM and not contact his partner who he has kids with (his own family!).

Calliopespa · 13/04/2025 00:48

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 00:37

Why do people do this 'trying to be cool thing' we are not back in school not everyone has the same relationships style or needs

Show quote history

It’s because the “I don’t get my knickers in a twist” brigade always seem to want to imply that the op is being somehow gauche or needy. It is reminiscent of teenagers being desperate to cut ties and demonstrate independence when actually most adults have got to the point of knowing courtesy and concern are higher values. I guess that’s why it comes across as trying to be cool, because that’s what teens are doing when they shrug off attempts to check in with them. It’s a teen version of the small child’s: “ Look mum: no hands!”

Namechangean · 13/04/2025 00:49

I don’t think it’s too much to ask at all. I would have text an update and checked in as soon as I landed. Even with having fun and being distracted I would make sure I responded, even just to say sorry, on the move, but will call as soon as I’m back at hotel.