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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner asked me to get my tubes tied.

39 replies

klaudiaa · 12/04/2025 09:33

Unfortunately I had a traumatic birth experience and I decided that I didn’t want more kids.
My partner keeps pressuring me into having more when I said I don’t want more.
So then he said that I should get my tubes tied which then I said no because I am not willing to go through a complicated procedure again and I asked him why doesn’t he get the snip and he said because he wants more kids but he isn’t going to have anymore kids with me? Make that make sense please.

OP posts:
MelonElla · 12/04/2025 09:35

He wants more kids and you don't. You don't sound compatible.

alcoholnightmare · 12/04/2025 09:35

I think he’s trying to bully you into having another child. He wants more, you don’t, so he’s trying to make you prove it.
ignore him and tell him to wear a condom

klaudiaa · 12/04/2025 09:37

MelonElla · 12/04/2025 09:35

He wants more kids and you don't. You don't sound compatible.

That’s what I said to him and he got upset with me

OP posts:
SpringIsSpringing25 · 12/04/2025 09:43

He wants you to take responsibility for not getting pregnant, as it's you that doesn't want more children.

Sounds a bit like he's not convinced he wouldn't have other children with someone else in the future, which I would find very upsetting, however, he's being open about it. It hasn't reached the stage where he's willing to have of a vasectomy.

If you're not happy to have your tubes tied (I don't blame you) the pair of you need to come to some other agreement about contraception and what would happen if you did get pregnant.

you don't have to agree to have your tubes tied.

but I don't see why it doesn't make sense to you🥴

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 12/04/2025 09:44

I’m don’t think he’s saying he wants to leave and have more children with someone else. He’s just saying “I’m not the one who’s saying no more kids so I don’t see why I should be the one to have a procedure”. I don’t think he’s expressing himself in a kind or mature manner. And why does either of you need to be sterilised? Is there no contraception that works for you?

SheridansPortSalut · 12/04/2025 09:46

I wonder what would happen if you called his bluff and said yes, I'll make an appointment. I'm going to have my tubes tied.

BunnyRuddington · 12/04/2025 09:49

Why do either of you need to be sterilised ? Is contraception not available where you live?

Riaanna · 12/04/2025 09:57

klaudiaa · 12/04/2025 09:37

That’s what I said to him and he got upset with me

He will be upset. Because he wants more kids. He has the right to be upset.

Asking him to get the snip because you don’t want more kids is out of line.

Dery · 12/04/2025 09:57

As PP have said, his position makes complete sense but I can completely see that it’s rather painful for you to hear. There are periodic posts on here from women who want more children but whose partners don’t and who are contemplating finding another partner to gave children with. The advice is generally that that is an unwise thing to do and very hard on existing children. But your partner does want more children - he may never have any more - but it makes sense he doesn’t want to remove his ability to do so. In fact, it’s quite unreasonable of you to ask that of him.

RandomMess · 12/04/2025 10:00

I was always aware that if something happened to me and the DC that DH would want more kids with a new partner. Unlikely that we would have been wiped out in a car crash but all factors into making such a big decision.

Didntask · 12/04/2025 10:04

You can't ask him to get the snip anymore than he can ask you to get your tubes tied. If you don't - understandably - want anymore children, then you need to take full responsibility for your contraception. Although if he is wanting more children and can't reconcile with the prospect of not having more, then I would be concerned about where your relationship goes from here.

Coconutter24 · 12/04/2025 10:06

SheridansPortSalut · 12/04/2025 09:46

I wonder what would happen if you called his bluff and said yes, I'll make an appointment. I'm going to have my tubes tied.

It’s not really a matter for playing games with, he’d obviously be upset because he wants another child

Streaaa · 12/04/2025 10:10

He sounds like nasty manipulative scum.
Time to start protecting yourself.

AgentJohnson · 12/04/2025 10:13

He wants you to take responsibility for not getting pregnant, as it's you that doesn't want more children.

This.

Favouritefruits · 12/04/2025 10:14

your doctor probably won’t let you have it done anyway. I was 36 with two kids and I wasn’t eligible as he said I was too young? And might want more kids?

KezzaMucklowe · 12/04/2025 10:18

I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

You've just hit a bit of a barrier. It doesn't mean that you're not completely compatible, it just means one of you Is going to have to make a huge sacrifice/ compromise and be able to live with that.

MimiGC · 12/04/2025 10:18

He is keeping his options open ie to have more children with someone else in the future.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/04/2025 10:23

Fair enough surely? The person who adamantly does not want more children is the one who should be ensuring that no more children appear. That’s exactly what men are told on here, if they don’t want kids then they should have the snip!

faerietales · 12/04/2025 10:24

If you’re the one who doesn’t want more children then of course it makes for you to be the one to get sterilised.

Fargo79 · 12/04/2025 10:25

It's a sad situation, compounded by the fact that he's approaching it with unkindness and a complete lack of consideration for you.

Pressuring you to get pregnant is wrong whatever the circumstances, but when your decision to stop having children has come off the back of a traumatic birth experiencing delivering your shared child then it's doubly awful of him.

In a healthy, solid marriage the issue would be tackled together. You haven't "future faked" or pulled the rug from under him. You've suffered trauma and it's changed things. I can say with certainty that in my marriage, my husband would have been sad not to have more children - as would I - and I'm sure we would have talked about it at length, but ultimately if I felt unable or unwilling to have more children, that would have been accepted as our new shared position. Decisions would have been made from that starting point going forward, such as getting a vasectomy Vs female sterilisation and which is riskier, especially when one of us is already injured/traumatised.

Your husband isn't seeing it as an issue to be faced together as a married couple. He's concerned with getting what he wants, whether that's by coercing you or keeping his options open to have more children with other people in the future. I think that really, the issue you're currently facing RE babies, sterilisation , vasectomy etc is a symptom of a marriage that isn't really solid, rather than the cause.

mangosmoothie123 · 12/04/2025 10:26

Do you think he could have said it to make you see if you’re completely set on not having more kids?
Like the shock factor, it could have made you think “I won’t get them tied in case I change my mind” type thing?

Ask him exactly what he was insinuating

Sharktoothgirl · 12/04/2025 10:27

What about a long acting reversible contraceptive for you? Like a mirena coil for example. You’d be in control of it, it won’t affect his fertility now or in the future and it’s not permanent but you don’t have to think about it everyday.

Mumof1andacat · 12/04/2025 10:31

He wants more children. You don't. How can you stay together?

Middleagedstriker · 12/04/2025 10:33

MimiGC · 12/04/2025 10:18

He is keeping his options open ie to have more children with someone else in the future.

I think thats OK. Both my grandmothers died when my parents were very young and both grandfather's remarried and had more children. I always said to DH not to get the snip if he wasn't 100% sure he never wanted more children. After 4 kids he has had the snip but waited until he was older. There is no way he would have more now if I died/we divorced as it would kill him 😂

StrangerOnline · 12/04/2025 10:34

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 12/04/2025 09:44

I’m don’t think he’s saying he wants to leave and have more children with someone else. He’s just saying “I’m not the one who’s saying no more kids so I don’t see why I should be the one to have a procedure”. I don’t think he’s expressing himself in a kind or mature manner. And why does either of you need to be sterilised? Is there no contraception that works for you?

⬆️ this

no brainer to me.
If you are the one who doesn’t want any more than you are the one who sorts out contraception (or the more permanent option).

but don’t overreact – doesn’t sound like more children are a dealbreaker. He hasn’t given you an ultimatum.