DH long term depressed, he wants to separate

[April2013]

I think the reason he wants to separate is because of his depression but he thinks we just aren’t compatible (20 year marriage), but I think if he finally tried to sort his depression it might be salvageable. He wants to carry on living together to coparent but be separated but I’ve said a prerequisite for that is still that he has to fix his depression. He takes medication, had counselling a year ago but over last 5 years drinks alcohol fairly heavily a few days a week, no exercise, overeats and doesn’t prioritise sleep, very stressed with work, doesn’t prioritise parenting. 6 months ago he said he never wants to have sex again but before that said he was happy to try and improve our sex life. I don’t mind people occasionally binge drinking but when he does it it just rubs salt in the wound that this is why he hasn’t fixed his depression/a symptom of depression and his depression is why I’m facing divorce and my kids are too. I’m not sure I can live around this. Thinking that I need to be brave and go for proper separation not cohabitating even if it takes a while to sort out. Not sure how to deal with my anger and frustration at him for messing up all our lives while he doesn’t take responsibility for his depression, while living together.

No, if he wants to split then he moves out.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to sort his life out.

So basically he wants to continue living in the house but do whatever he wants? Why on earth would you want that? He sounds absolutely awful by the way and I think you would be much happier if he moved out.

Horrible selfish man.
Contact Women's aid.
He needs to move out, sell the house.
Take him at his word.
Your poor children in the midst of this.

So the hell would continue to his benefit only as less obligation to you? You do need to separate and divorce - get advice on separate housing and finances.

I agree, ending the marriage sounds like it would benefit you and the DC enormously but he has to move out. I don’t know anyone who would want to have to live with such a lazy horrible man.

And ringing Women’s Aid to talk through how he’s behaving as suggested by a OP sounds like a really good idea.

Ultimately you can’t make him stop drinking or make him seek help for his depression, you can’t fix him but you can separate and live without him, you have control over that

I'm a therapist op and this man is not taking any responsibility for his mood at all. He won't be getting better any time soon I suspect. Don't let him live in your home but not together like this. Do you want to be with a man like this? It must affect your mood? Got to do what's right for you I think

I wouldn’t be entertaining this.

If you separate you separate - living separately and he ideally takes the kids at least some of the time.

this is a halfway house designed to benefit him.

I’m more surprised that you don’t want to separate too, it sounds miserable.

From reading your post I think you need to get a divorce and he will be moving out of the house. I would get legal advice from a good divorce solicitor before you tell him this.
He wants to separate but still live in the house. So he wants you there to provide all the comforts of home.
At the moment he is on anti depressants but is drinking heavily. He may not be aware but alcohol is a depressive. He is very stressed with work and the heavy drinking means he is going into work hungover. He does not prioritise sleep.
Along with this he is overweight, overeats and does no exercise.

You told us as well that he does not prioritise parenting. He just expects that he can continue to do what he is doing and of course you can cope with this and deal with the kids also.

This is not fair on you or the kids you have. You need to get legal advice and end the marriage. He needs to move out and you can sort out the house situation.
He is not willing to make any changes and you can no longer carry him and put up with this situation.

Another thing is that if he is heavy drinking, overweight, overeats and does not exercise it's only a matter of time before he starts to have health issues. A few years ago I saw a friend of mine trying to get an ex boyfriend to lose weight with her and he refused to do this. They broke up as he met another woman and she had a baby with him.
Recently she has heard via someone they both know that he now has type 2 diabetes, sleep anopa and high blood pressure. He has been in hospital several times with a very high heart rate. He is now on ozempic for his diabetes and to get his weight down. He also gets every cold, flu ect because of his health issues.

In your situation you don't want to end up caring for him in the future either when he could have stopped drinking, lost a bit of weight and done some exercise and worked on keeping his marriage.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't accept cohabiting while separated on this basis, as it's the worst of all possible worlds for you.

You'd just all continue living under the cloud of his drinking and depression.

So he wants you to contribute to the mortgage and bills, also be his cook, cleaner and carer for the DC, whilst he lives in the house with no obligations but to suit himself?

Fuck that.

You need to split up, get your own living space and he can do his own laundry and pay his own bills and have the kids for 50% of the time and your life will be considerably easier and more pleasant.

Check his phone, just in case.

So he accepts he’s depressed. In really putting any effort into the relationship, family or improving his own lot in life. Binge drinks/functioning alcoholic and a sloth.

imagine if you seperate. And he lives elsewhere- what would the home environment be like for you and your children?

would it be lighter? Would it be nice not to be around a depressed lump that sits drinking or just watching TV?

would it be nicer for you or them to have friends and family around?

@April2013 - you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. But you also don’t need to pander to them. You are deserving of happiness. Your children can still have a relationship with him if you separate - and you can have a happier unit without him. How you compares together after separation is more on him as he’s have to make an Effort. Good luck.

From what you have wrote, it sounds like you should separate. But definitely not still live together!
If he's depressed but is not seeking the help he needs, then you should protect your children from living with that. He should be moving out.

So he wants his cake and to eat it- you continue to cook, clean, washing etc, whilst he does nothing

nope tell him to go, he can look after himself elsewhere

Everyone else has nailed it. He wants to continue his cosy little life, drinking and not doing anything to address his depression, with you and the kids still around so he can pretend all is well and that he is a functional human being.

Sod that. Give him his divorce and do it properly. Your life will be so much better without the dark cloud of him hanging over all of you.

Don’t agree to that whatever you do!!! That is a way for him to have exactly what he wants but no pressure to improve.

he needs to look at his sleep, drinking, diet to aid his recovery from depression. If he doesn’t help himself no one can help him

Why would you want to live with him? Sounds a decent set up for him and absolutely shit for you.

Tell him to get out and live your life!

Where do you want to be in 20 years time? Still living like this or in a new life which you have built?

He takes medication, had counselling a year ago but over last 5 years drinks alcohol fairly heavily a few days a week, no exercise, overeats and doesn’t prioritise sleep, very stressed with work, doesn’t prioritise parenting

He will never be any better if he doesn't prioritise and take care of his own mental health at least to the extent of the basics (of which drinking is a big one). You cannot make him do this, you can only decide if you want to subject yourself and the children to this - you for the rest of your life, the children until they can leave on their own account.

You have mentioned what he wants (basically to carry on regardless but with even less obligation to family). What do you want?

I would say if you want out then fine. But off you fuck. It’s bad enough living with a depressed man, but living with a depressed man that doesn’t even want to be with me? Nah. Cheerio.

My ex did the "I'm depressed" route. Living in the same house was awful. I had to push for him to move out and spent months feeling guilty. As it turned out, he was in the throes of an affair. Life improved enormously once I got rid of him

Cut him loose. He's not managing his depression he's actually feeding it alcohol and expecting you to pay the price. I would say it's with great sadness I accept you may br happier without me. However we absolutely cannot cohabit so let's work on an amicable dissolution of our assets and if you feel the same once living apart, a divorce. Stop fighting for someone who won't fight for you.

One of the very difficult things about depression (especially long term depression or depression that doesn’t respond well to treatment) is that people don’t understand it from an outside perspective.
They sometimes look at self damaging behaviours that are actually symptoms of the illness or coping mechanisms as signs that the person is not trying and that if they did, it would improve or go away.
This is not necessarily true and it can be very hard or impossible for the person to separate the two things anyway.
Another of the worst things about it is how it affects relationships with the people closest to you, especially partners. Depression can change your thought patterns and affect how you experience things.
In the same way that you can’t get pleasure from things you used to, like hobbies/ work and lose your appetite, sometimes you just cannot access your feelings for the people you love.
For some people, they know the feelings are still there but it’s like they are behind thick glass and you can’t get to them.
For others, they might think they are gone, and genuinely believe it, but it is actually the illness. It’s down to an aspect of depression called anhedonia.
It is a very difficult thing to understand if you haven’t been through it. He can’t cure himself, he needs better treatment such as cbt to try understand how his illness affects his behaviour and the people around him and how that affects his life. It is true that it requires will power and strength to try to recover and manage your symptoms, but it can be impossible to find them when you are in the throes of it. That’s why the focus on medication first when you’re getting treatment - to get you to a place where you can actually help yourself.
Depression can make you selfish, it can make you hurt the people around you, but nobody wants to do this or to be this way.
That is not to say that you should put up with it but realistically you can’t expect him to just “deal with” his depression like he can make it go away just like that. It’s a very complex thing and it just doesn’t work that way.
You should probably disregard what he wants or what’s in his interest at this point and think about what is best for you and for your kids. He’s likely not even thinking straight so don’t let him call the shots.
I think the best thing is probably for him to realise the reality of losing you. That is far more likely to motivate him than telling him he can stay if he fixes himself. That will only drag things out and likely make things worse between you. If he does try and fails, he will feel even more hopeless and frustrated.
It’s a separate issue if you think he is addicted to alcohol/ problem drinking and you should be firm on that and say you don’t want him in the house when he is doing that.
If someone in his position asked, I would advise them to go to the GP or whoever prescribes his medication and simply say it’s not working effectively.
Doctors don’t say sort your drinking out first/ get some exercise/ eat better, then we can treat your depression, they know they are symptoms of it.
Sometimes if the persons lifestyle is making recovery impossible, their psychiatrist might admit them as an in patient.
But, that’s for him to sort out. You need to look after yourself. Sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been on both sides of it and it’s just awful. I hope things work out ok for you x

This 👆

I've known a few of these over the years and in every case the wife has later found out they were actually seeing someone else. Whatever you do, don't underestimate him.