DH long term depressed, he wants to separate

[April2013]

I think the reason he wants to separate is because of his depression but he thinks we just aren’t compatible (20 year marriage), but I think if he finally tried to sort his depression it might be salvageable. He wants to carry on living together to coparent but be separated but I’ve said a prerequisite for that is still that he has to fix his depression. He takes medication, had counselling a year ago but over last 5 years drinks alcohol fairly heavily a few days a week, no exercise, overeats and doesn’t prioritise sleep, very stressed with work, doesn’t prioritise parenting. 6 months ago he said he never wants to have sex again but before that said he was happy to try and improve our sex life. I don’t mind people occasionally binge drinking but when he does it it just rubs salt in the wound that this is why he hasn’t fixed his depression/a symptom of depression and his depression is why I’m facing divorce and my kids are too. I’m not sure I can live around this. Thinking that I need to be brave and go for proper separation not cohabitating even if it takes a while to sort out. Not sure how to deal with my anger and frustration at him for messing up all our lives while he doesn’t take responsibility for his depression, while living together.

So to summarise, he wants to do exactly what he wants when he wants with no interference from you and no disruption to his comfortable lifestyle. Is that right? Tell him to get fucked and start divorce proceedings.

That must be so tough to live with OP - what has the impact been on you? Do you think you may be happier without him?

Thanks so much for all your replies. They have really helped. I have not spoken to anyone about this and feel very isolated with it all.

This sounds like my cousin. I’m not close to them but it looks like he walked /was pushed out of his marriage with two DCs between 10-13. According to his Dsis he has moved back in with his elderly DM, gets money from her, drinks, he lost his job a year ago and doesn’t work and makes no attempt to see his DCs. The only people I have sympathy for are his exW and most of all the DCs.
If you have DCs and mental health issues, then it’s incumbent on you to try and get as much help as you can, if that’s not enough then that’s a different matter.

There is nothing to salvage
Tell him to move out

over last 5 years drinks alcohol fairly heavily a few days a week, no exercise, overeats and doesn’t prioritise sleep, very stressed with work, doesn’t prioritise parenting

You don’t need to be isolated. You can keep talking to us and you can talk to Womensaid. We’ll be here for you.

I think you need to take control of the situation. Get legal advice and when you are ready, issue a divorce petition.

All this shite about still living together is bullshit.

It sounds like he thinks it's all about him. Where's his concern for what you want in all of this? Your concern for him is so tangible in your post as is his concern for himself. Of course he doesn't want to fully separate and deal with finances, parenting alone etc. but it could be the best thing to happen for both of you (but especially you). TBH I think either way you want this to go, insisting on a full separation no matter how heart wrenching and scary that is, gives you both the best opportunity to repair your marriage (if it wakes him up) or just live good lives separately and surely that must be best for your children also.

My ex constantly complaining he was depressed,fearing his mortality etc
work stress etc etc for years
turned out he’d been cheating for 20 years

Speak to people.
Your friends
Your family. Your GP.
Do not hide what is going on

Your husband's suggestion only benefits him, no one else. He wants to live in the house, still have someone there to cook, clean, laundry etc but to live his life separately. The atmosphere in the home must be awful, and not the best environment for your children. Honestly, if he wants to separate then you separate completely and divorce. If that means the family home needs to be sold, to enable it to happen, then so be it. Your husband has zero interest in seeking professional help or making any changes to improve the situation. If he wants to wallow in self-pity and destructive behaviour, that's his choice, but it doesn't mean you have to be there to watch it. You get one crack at the whip in this life, don't waste it by staying with your husband. You deserve much better.