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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so confused.

32 replies

DollyOakley16 · 11/04/2025 19:12

I left my partner 3 months ago. We were together for 5 years. Luckily, we didn't live together. I live with my 20 year old son who has autism. He's a great kid. No trouble at all. I'm devoted to him. My partner struggled to understand my son. He struggled to understand my son not being very social with him and tbh I feel he was jealous that my son is number one in my life. That's normal! Your kids come first. He doesn't have kids and is 52. He made jibes at times and I was always very defensive of my son. My ex partner drinks too much and I told him he had a drink problem. He was a total dick on drink at times and his resentment of my son came out on drink at times. Basically, I got sick of it all. Since we split his texts have merged between nasty and nice. Lately, he has been really pressuring me to get back with him. Telling me he loves me etc. I told him he needed to address his drinking and could go to AA. He said he wouldnt go there and it wasn't right for him. He said he would cut back his drinking. He's an evening drinker. I told him to give up spirits. He said he would stick to Guinness as he isn't a dick on that and not touch spirits. I feel resentful about the things he said about my son in the past and the way he treated me at times. I know he feels bad about some things. He lives close by so I can't help bumping into him. He piles the pressure on constantly when he sees me. I've been fine on my own. Lately, we are more civil and I left a few things over to his apartment today. First time Ive set foot in his apartment in three months. It's gone downhill as I used to help him by cleaning it. I'm not doing that ever again. I've my own house to keep. I know a lot of men aren't houseproud in general but when I saw his apartment I did think wtf. How hard is it to clean?! I feel myself getting sucked in again as he is so full on and I do see red flags here. Ive been doing fine on my own. Me, my son and my dog. He's just made me confused all over again. Yes. I probably have been too soft by giving him an opening at times instead of just saying clear off but you've no idea what he's like. Very full on. He never gives up. What the hell do I do? I want what is best for me. He has offered to go to relationship counselling. Does he deserve another chance?

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 19:15

Just block him and don't give him one moment of thought.
Never lower yourself to giving men repeated chances to make your life worse.

TipsyJoker · 11/04/2025 19:20

No he does not. Block him. If he comes to your home, don’t answer and call the police. Get a ring doorbell and report him any time he comes anywhere near your home. You need to protect yourself and your son. He’s an abuser and he will never change. Block him.

TipsyJoker · 11/04/2025 19:20

Read this.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

doitwithlove · 11/04/2025 19:23

Full of promises to only stick to Guinness, yeh right until his feet are back under the table. Leave him to his relationship with the spirits. You and your son deserve better.

Jennalong · 11/04/2025 19:24

It sounds like you have a nice life with your son and dog but having this man in your life is not the way to move forward .

He's a drinker who's not willing to work at stopping and he's also insulting to your son
Is that a keeper ? Would you tell a friend to give him a 2nd chance ?

I bet you wouldn't

I can see having him local to your house is a bit of an issue , but you'll get over that .
Don't go around his house , that's his responsibility and choice to live a messy lifestyle

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 11/04/2025 19:24

What are you doing, woman??!! For goodness sake, give yourself a stern talking-to and keep away from this appalling man.

You do not need him in your life, and neither does your dc.

grapehyacinths · 11/04/2025 19:24

You made your decision with good reason. Don’t doubt yourself. Your life is better without him.

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 19:25

How come you never lived with the father of your child despite being together?

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 19:26

Has your child being professionally diagnosed op?

Winifredtabago · 11/04/2025 19:26

Dont take him back. Choose happiness instead.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 11/04/2025 19:29

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 19:25

How come you never lived with the father of your child despite being together?

What's that got to do with the OP's current situation?

Original poster
DollyOakley16 · 11/04/2025 19:31

My sons father and I were together for 20 years. We are divorced. He's not my sons father.

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyOakley16 · 11/04/2025 19:32

Yes. Diagnosed at 16.

OP posts:
Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 19:33

DollyOakley16 · 11/04/2025 19:32

Yes. Diagnosed at 16.

Sorry I read as months!

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 19:34

He made jibes at times and I was always very defensive of my son. My ex partner drinks too much and I told him he had a drink problem. He was a total dick on drink at times and his resentment of my son came out on drink at times.

it is unfathomable you stayed with him so long

DaisyChain505 · 11/04/2025 19:41

Just for the pure fact he isn’t that nice to your son, 100% do not go back.

Heidi2018 · 11/04/2025 19:57

First of all, read back what you wrote and ask yourself "if a friend told me this, what advice would I give them"...

Secondly.... he drinks too much (don't believe his bullshit about only sticking to Guinness, that won't happen), he is a man-child who can't clean his own apartment, and most importantly, he doesn't like the one person you are devoting your life to - your son!!! Give him back whatever stuff you have belonging to him, block him, and be happy!

FidosMum84 · 11/04/2025 20:12

Block him and move on. You’ll be back in the same harmful cycle before you know it if you stay in contact.
He needs you more than you need him so of course he’ll try to get back his cleaner and housekeeper. But what did he ever go for you? Sounds like he made your life worse not better.

MoominMai · 11/04/2025 20:16

The fact that his way of getting back with you is to tell you what’ll he intends to do rather than showing you. Also the way he is s full on is immature. His unkempt place is potentially an indication of unresolved depression or some such. Far too many red flags. I personally would just not be able to get over his previous treatment of my child either. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are - believe them. Experience talking ♥️

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 11/04/2025 20:21

Sack the ex off. Stick by your standards. There are so many other men in the world who will certainly treat you better.

mintydoggyv · 11/04/2025 20:39

Please don't it's safer to stay with your son and lovely doggy . Please block on phones etc and yes get a ring camera phone for security stay safe

TwistedWonder · 11/04/2025 20:48

OP - you know the answer you really do. This man is not a good one - he’s disrespectful to your son, he’s a pisshead and he can’t even take care of himself at 52’

Are you similar age? You’ve got so many years left to be happy, please don’t waste any more of them years on this fuckwit

Bittenonce · 13/04/2025 08:09
  1. you‘re fine on your own
  2. my experience of drink problems is that they dont just go away ‘just having a few’ doesn’t actually happen
  3. his messages have switched between nasty and nice
  4. he doesn’t get on with your son
  5. he clearly hasn’t got his shit together
GoldBeautifulHeart · 13/04/2025 08:18

If you're lonely get a pet. They are far easier than menchildren like your ex.

RedRock41 · 13/04/2025 08:19

DollyOakley16 · 11/04/2025 19:12

I left my partner 3 months ago. We were together for 5 years. Luckily, we didn't live together. I live with my 20 year old son who has autism. He's a great kid. No trouble at all. I'm devoted to him. My partner struggled to understand my son. He struggled to understand my son not being very social with him and tbh I feel he was jealous that my son is number one in my life. That's normal! Your kids come first. He doesn't have kids and is 52. He made jibes at times and I was always very defensive of my son. My ex partner drinks too much and I told him he had a drink problem. He was a total dick on drink at times and his resentment of my son came out on drink at times. Basically, I got sick of it all. Since we split his texts have merged between nasty and nice. Lately, he has been really pressuring me to get back with him. Telling me he loves me etc. I told him he needed to address his drinking and could go to AA. He said he wouldnt go there and it wasn't right for him. He said he would cut back his drinking. He's an evening drinker. I told him to give up spirits. He said he would stick to Guinness as he isn't a dick on that and not touch spirits. I feel resentful about the things he said about my son in the past and the way he treated me at times. I know he feels bad about some things. He lives close by so I can't help bumping into him. He piles the pressure on constantly when he sees me. I've been fine on my own. Lately, we are more civil and I left a few things over to his apartment today. First time Ive set foot in his apartment in three months. It's gone downhill as I used to help him by cleaning it. I'm not doing that ever again. I've my own house to keep. I know a lot of men aren't houseproud in general but when I saw his apartment I did think wtf. How hard is it to clean?! I feel myself getting sucked in again as he is so full on and I do see red flags here. Ive been doing fine on my own. Me, my son and my dog. He's just made me confused all over again. Yes. I probably have been too soft by giving him an opening at times instead of just saying clear off but you've no idea what he's like. Very full on. He never gives up. What the hell do I do? I want what is best for me. He has offered to go to relationship counselling. Does he deserve another chance?

Absolutely not. The definition of madness is doing the same thing expecting different results.
Tell him you want to be on your own. The irresistible force can’t be resisted unless you don’t engage. He is not your responsibility. If he wants to drink, live in a sty etc that’s up to him. You have one lovely male who you rightly prioritise. On top of all else why would you take someone into DS life who resents him and his relationship with his mother. 🚩
Reduce contact and don’t look back. Remember too if he really did love you why did you have to end it? Love feels good. He likely loved all the things you made easier for him. Madness you cleaned his pad when as you say had your own housework to do as well.
Be strong on this OP. Life’s givers find it hard not to give but he has zero to offer but more drama and grief.