Guild about previous 'affair'

[Ruby0707]

I had a relationship, fling, affair, whatever you want to call it with a man at work who was in a long term relationship and had children. I was single at the time. It was years ago but I feel overwhelming guilt about it now.

He wore me down over a number of years, told me his relationship was dead in the water, she was horrible to him, only staying for the kids bla bla bla. I was naive, had low self esteem and a low bar when it came to relationships so I fell for it. Thought he was the one.

We did horrible things, we were in a hotel room together when his partner was heavily pregnant and thought she was going into labour, made up lies together when there was a risk of getting caught. I had to leave my job to get away from the toxic situation we were in.

Years later, nearly 40 and I am in the first healthy relationship I've ever had and I realise this is how it's meant to be. The affair partner has now married the partner who was supposedly so horrible to him.

I hate myself for what I did to her. The thought of someone doing that with my partner behind my back makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I would deserve it though, karma. I was such a fool.

I don't know what I'm asking really. How can I come to terms with and make peace with what I did? I can't change it, I just have to live with the fact that I am a horrible person.

It was indeed an awful thing to do. Especially when she was heavily pregnant. Not sure how you reasoned that in your head at the time and why you only realised how bad that was years later. Feeling like you had the upper hand over a vulnerable pregnant woman is messed up.

But ultimately he was the one with the responsibility and commitment to her. He was an awful person and you enabled it. Nothing you can do now but hope that your partner is nothing like him.

I didn't feel like I had the upper hand. I knew it was wrong and I did have some guilt but more so now. Reflecting back on my behaviour is causing some quite distressing feelings.

It was a horrible thing to do but the fact you feel bad about it now shows you have a conscience. The guilt you have felt is fair enough, you did it so you now have to live with it but you can't punish yourself forever and at some point you need to let it go. You're human, we all make mistakes and no one is 100% good, I guarantee. Every single person on this earth has done something they feel guilty about. He was the one who did worse.

Most people have something they regret as they reflect on it in later life, or if not regret at least think with hindsight they didn’t make the most morally conscious choice. Doing something bad doesn’t make you a bad person. Part of maturing is realising when you’ve made mistakes and hopefully not making those same mistakes again.

You did something terrible. It’s in the past though so there’s nothing really you can do about it other than not make those mistakes again. Guilt is good, it means you’ve reflected, realised it was bad but you can’t let guilt rule your life. You have to accept you did it but wouldn’t do it now.

You need to forgive yourself. Many of us have done awful things when younger which chill us to the bone now.

You cant change the past. But you can forgive yourself and let it go.

Just never do it again. And if you become aware of a cheat always tell the innocent partner.

you know why you did it. Low self esteem etc. You need to see that made you the ideal affair partner and he saw that and pressured you and wore you down. You were wrong to give in but he knew what he was doing

What I am saying is that you must have enjoyed him choosing to spend time with you over his partner because it made you feel special? If it didn’t then you would have seen it for what it was. He was cheating on you too. Clearly he was having sex with his partner if she was pregnant! Hardly a ‘dead bedroom’.

The only way I can rationalise someone knowingly being the OW when they are single is because they get an ego boost thinking they are more desired than someone else. You were so important to him that he would leave his vulnerable partner alone. If you saw his behaviour for what it was, cruel and weak you would not have been flattered but instead repulsed.

I understand the guilt now and it’s good to reflect on why you let yourself be convinced to partake in a relationship that was so damaging to everyone involved.

I dont fall into the you did a bad thing you arent a bad person category.

There are some things in life that are so bad, so abusive and vile that for a person to be able to do it they have all sorts wrong with them inside. That combined certainly doesnt make them good. And once you cross the line its so easy to repeat the same things. Unless you do a bucket load of work on yourself to figure how you were able to do horrible shit in my experience in life its completely possible its able fo be done again.

The reason you are feeling so bad about it now isnt because you suddenly had an epiphany about how awful all the stuff is you did.

Its because you now have a relationship that makes you vulnerable to two people doing harm to you, in the way you did to someone else.

That isnt empathy, or regret not even really guilt its fear.

Does your partner know about the affair?

You were young. Put it to bed, move on. Learn from it, embrace your new life.

Totally agree with this. If she wasn’t in a relationship then she wouldn’t be feeling as bad - total fear that it could happen to her and that she’d deserve it if it did. And she would.

God almighty aren’t you holier than thou!!
Please try to forgive yourself OP, most people did things in their youth that they sincerely regret now, I know I did!!
Time to move on, enjoy your relationship, you can’t change the past but you can certainly learn from it…which you have x

easy you were single, the one in the relationship was in the wrong.

You can't be that great yourself. Someone comes on here pouring their heart out and needing help and you stick the boot in unnecessarily. She's not a murderer, paedophile or animal abuser.

You did the right thing and got out of this mess, it isn’t good at all but it sounds like you were in love and we can do silly things for love. Well done for getting out of it, I think things like this are very tough especially when at work. I have had similar but I was the one who was married. My manager was a charmer and I was in a bad place in my marriage. I didn’t have a full on affair but could of done, it only got better when he left the company. I then found out that he was trying it on with many other women at work. You can’t turn the clock back and she didn’t find out. He is probably still treating her like garbage, best to get away from horrible men like that. Be proud that you took the steps to get away from it and better your life :)

All you can do is learn.
I did something similarly stupid at 17. Everything blew up, don’t think the wife believed it at the time but I think she realised when it kept happening with other girls later down the line.

Back then I was single, so young and lived alone, I didn’t have anyone so when someone took an interest I was there .

I am sorry for the part I played. I know he practically preyed on me but I was a little shit then. I made a vow back then never to do such a thing again, and never to get myself in such a box of lies. I have always made honesty a priority - and that has been 20 years now and I’ve stuck by it.

Learn from it - they’re married, they’re ok, you are allowed to move on.

Ignore the holier than thou posts. Move on. Forgive yourself.

Really? She did take part in the abuse of another person willing.

If that's the bar you set for ok behaviour not hitting those three your standards are on the floor.

You live and learn.

As you said, you were young and naive and wouldn't do the same again.

It sounds like you were getting played by him and ultimately you were single and he was not.

Let it go. Everyone makes mistakes when they are young.

They were both in the wrong

She knowingly had regular sex with someone whose wife was heavily pregnant and thought she was going into labour. They’re both scum. She deserves similar
to happen to her so she can experience what she did to the other woman. The man also deserves shit to happen to him

So;

Affairs are bad
But also
You hope someone cheats on her?

Excellent logic 👍

They’re married now so no harm done. (Poor woman being with a cheat.)

Obviously you did wrong. You know that. He was wrong to groom you and you were wrong to eventually have the affair.

I am assuming you’ve never done anything like this before or since.

How do you move on? Therapy? Write her a letter and burn it?

But stop beating yourself up and for god’s sake there is absolutely no need to tell your partner. Look forward now, not back.

Yikes. I can understand why you feel bad op, I would too. But, a lot of people on MN seem to believe that people can never change. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe that at all. People can and do change, all the time. With the benefit of hindsight and maturity you can see how wrong it was and I’m sure would never do anything like that ever again? Learn from it, ensure you never make such awful choices again, and move on. Perhaps write a letter to your younger self and then burn it?

Good point about being the ideal affair partner. I've been reflecting a lot on past relationships and they were all utterly shit. I let it happen but because that's all I knew, I honestly thought it was normal. That's how men were. It's quite sad really.

Learn from it and let it go.