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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guild about previous 'affair'

31 replies

Ruby0707 · 11/04/2025 19:09

I had a relationship, fling, affair, whatever you want to call it with a man at work who was in a long term relationship and had children. I was single at the time. It was years ago but I feel overwhelming guilt about it now.

He wore me down over a number of years, told me his relationship was dead in the water, she was horrible to him, only staying for the kids bla bla bla. I was naive, had low self esteem and a low bar when it came to relationships so I fell for it. Thought he was the one.

We did horrible things, we were in a hotel room together when his partner was heavily pregnant and thought she was going into labour, made up lies together when there was a risk of getting caught. I had to leave my job to get away from the toxic situation we were in.

Years later, nearly 40 and I am in the first healthy relationship I've ever had and I realise this is how it's meant to be. The affair partner has now married the partner who was supposedly so horrible to him.

I hate myself for what I did to her. The thought of someone doing that with my partner behind my back makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I would deserve it though, karma. I was such a fool.

I don't know what I'm asking really. How can I come to terms with and make peace with what I did? I can't change it, I just have to live with the fact that I am a horrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby0707 · 12/04/2025 08:16

Whatado · 11/04/2025 22:15

I dont fall into the you did a bad thing you arent a bad person category.

There are some things in life that are so bad, so abusive and vile that for a person to be able to do it they have all sorts wrong with them inside. That combined certainly doesnt make them good. And once you cross the line its so easy to repeat the same things. Unless you do a bucket load of work on yourself to figure how you were able to do horrible shit in my experience in life its completely possible its able fo be done again.

The reason you are feeling so bad about it now isnt because you suddenly had an epiphany about how awful all the stuff is you did.

Its because you now have a relationship that makes you vulnerable to two people doing harm to you, in the way you did to someone else.

That isnt empathy, or regret not even really guilt its fear.

Does your partner know about the affair?

Yes my current partner does know.

I see what you are saying but honestly, I don't think it's the fear of it happening to me now that is causing the guilt, maybe some of it, but it is more the realisation of what normal, healthy relationships are and that that was far from normal or healthy.

I have been cheated on myself in the past, for what it's worth. Again, I was younger and that was just what happened in relationships, I thought. They've obviously messed me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby0707 · 12/04/2025 08:17

Thank you for all the kind comments, I don't deserve them.

I think I definitely need therapy to work through it and I love the letter idea! I will definitely do that.

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 12/04/2025 08:20

You have changed- you are not the person who did what you did all those years ago.

For what it's worth, I have been cheated on horribly. It was almost 6 years ago now that I found out, and the knowledge that the OW is remorseful and struggles with the guilt has made a difference to me. It has helped me to get over the terrible feelings I had towards her.

NameChangedOfc · 12/04/2025 09:23

You would benefit from therapy, to get to the root of why you thought you deserved such awful men. I hope you can find peace.

PauseThatThought · 12/04/2025 10:22

WhereIsMyLight · 11/04/2025 19:26

Most people have something they regret as they reflect on it in later life, or if not regret at least think with hindsight they didn’t make the most morally conscious choice. Doing something bad doesn’t make you a bad person. Part of maturing is realising when you’ve made mistakes and hopefully not making those same mistakes again.

You did something terrible. It’s in the past though so there’s nothing really you can do about it other than not make those mistakes again. Guilt is good, it means you’ve reflected, realised it was bad but you can’t let guilt rule your life. You have to accept you did it but wouldn’t do it now.

Part of maturing is also realising that other people also make mistakes.

I agree with a pp regarding op's fear of having this situation happening to her.

Of course if it does happen she will of course join the chorus of women who will state it is not the female's fault only her partners and she will of course forgive the younger female for it just being the folly of youth.

It's so easy to cope with, you'll be fine op as you have experience and empathy as an ow but try not to think about it in the meantime, it could never happen but if it does happen you will be well prepared for the level of betrayal you could experience behind your back.

No one is perfect and your past experiences will not prevent or make it a certainty that this will happen to you.
And it doesn't matter if you have changed, it is now other people who you don't trust, maybe it's your partner making you feel insecure.

utterexasperation · 12/04/2025 10:33

Whatado · 11/04/2025 22:15

I dont fall into the you did a bad thing you arent a bad person category.

There are some things in life that are so bad, so abusive and vile that for a person to be able to do it they have all sorts wrong with them inside. That combined certainly doesnt make them good. And once you cross the line its so easy to repeat the same things. Unless you do a bucket load of work on yourself to figure how you were able to do horrible shit in my experience in life its completely possible its able fo be done again.

The reason you are feeling so bad about it now isnt because you suddenly had an epiphany about how awful all the stuff is you did.

Its because you now have a relationship that makes you vulnerable to two people doing harm to you, in the way you did to someone else.

That isnt empathy, or regret not even really guilt its fear.

Does your partner know about the affair?

Why would her partner need to know about an affair from so many years ago? Does she need him to tell her all about the bad things he may have done in the past?

I don't think you can be old enough to realise that people have " stages" in life and they all contribute to the person you are today. You don't emerge as a fully formed adult at 18 with aspects that never change. Your brain evolves through your life creating different aspects of decision making.

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