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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner blames everything on me

33 replies

relatinahips · 11/04/2025 15:47

I don’t know where to start but I am so tired of this.
Me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years, we have 1 child together.
Last year in January we have split up for almost a year and got back together beggining of December.
The reason we split up was because he is very messy and I constantly had to clean up after him, he wasn’t helping me with any house chores unless I asked him or got mad at him for not doing anything, when I was first postpartum I also hardly got any help from him there was always an excuse why he can’t do this or that.
This has created resentment towards him and made me not want to be with him.
Due to me feeling like this, I didn’t fancy having sex with him and he would always get upset with me about it.
Last December, I told him we could try again but we can’t live under the same roof and I said he would need to find somewhere else to live which he hasn’t done.
He said this time would be different and he would change. Guess what? He hasn’t.
He did the odd things here and there like hoovering once in a while or wash up couple of dishes which would never get done till the end.
The only thing he does is cook most nights and I also have to clean up the mess after that every single time
Our son goes to school now, he is 5 and he goes Monday to Friday, I’m the only one that does the school drop off and school pick up, he is the one that sleeps in every single morning, he doesn’t attend any invitations from school or any parents evenings.
When I bring this up to him he gets defensive and makes himself a victim and he says he doesn’t do these things because I don’t treat him nicely. He also said he looses motivation to do any house chores and I’m not being intimate with him.
I feel fed up with this kind of behaviour and I don’t think I want to be with him anymore.
could someone please advise me I’m I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 11/04/2025 15:49

Nah. Ditch him. Life is too short.

saveforthat · 11/04/2025 15:49

Of course YANBU. How come he can lie in every day, does he not work?

Original poster
relatinahips · 11/04/2025 15:50

No he doesn’t work at the moment and he blames me for loosing his job when we split up

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2025 15:52

You’ve got yourself a common and garden cocklodger. Get rid. He brings nothing to your life.

Shinyandnew1 · 11/04/2025 15:52

Last December, I told him we could try again but we can’t live under the same roof and I said he would need to find somewhere else to live which he hasn’t done.

You had split up and then were going to try again, but then you said he needed to move out?! Didn't he move out when you'd split up?

WakingUpToReality · 11/04/2025 15:54

Well if he doesn’t work at the moment and you do he should do ALL the drop offs and pick ups. And he’s very confused about saying he doesn’t want to do chores if you're not having sex with him. Is that a joke? The chores belong to both of you, depending on the time you have to do them. He wouldn’t be “helping you”.

Doolallies · 11/04/2025 15:55

Cocklodger

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 15:56

He's a parasite, there's absolutely no reason to keep him on as a house boyfriend, is it your property?

If so, boot him out and ignore the whining, he does have somewhere to go, he's an adult who can house himself. You don't need to listen to anything he says or indulge him in arguing, just tell him to get out. The police can remove him if he resists.

Original poster
relatinahips · 11/04/2025 16:02

Shinyandnew1 · 11/04/2025 15:52

Last December, I told him we could try again but we can’t live under the same roof and I said he would need to find somewhere else to live which he hasn’t done.

You had split up and then were going to try again, but then you said he needed to move out?! Didn't he move out when you'd split up?

He did move out but then he was made homeless and I let him move back in but I told him he would have to find himself somewhere else to live

OP posts:
Original poster
relatinahips · 11/04/2025 16:03

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 15:56

He's a parasite, there's absolutely no reason to keep him on as a house boyfriend, is it your property?

If so, boot him out and ignore the whining, he does have somewhere to go, he's an adult who can house himself. You don't need to listen to anything he says or indulge him in arguing, just tell him to get out. The police can remove him if he resists.

The tenancy was in his name at first but when he moved out the tenancy became mine so right now I’m the one responsible for the rent

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 16:04

That's great then, no reason to have him leeching off you for one minute longer.

Original poster
relatinahips · 11/04/2025 16:04

WakingUpToReality · 11/04/2025 15:54

Well if he doesn’t work at the moment and you do he should do ALL the drop offs and pick ups. And he’s very confused about saying he doesn’t want to do chores if you're not having sex with him. Is that a joke? The chores belong to both of you, depending on the time you have to do them. He wouldn’t be “helping you”.

I also don’t work as I’m dealing with a couple of health issues after my pregnancy but I do everything a parent is supposed to do

OP posts:
Original poster
relatinahips · 11/04/2025 16:06

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 16:04

That's great then, no reason to have him leeching off you for one minute longer.

The thing is that when he doesn’t get his way he gets aggressive and shouts and smashes things also he gets in my face and I become frightened of him. I wouldn’t want to get the police involved for the sake of our son. I have done it before as one time when we was living separately he came over and refused to leave and I felt scared to I had to call them but I wouldn’t want to do that again.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 11/04/2025 16:09

Just call the damned police, get rid, change the locks. He is already scaring your son who will grow up to despise women like he does.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 11/04/2025 16:17

He's not safe to be in your home or around your child, getting the police involved will solve that, and create a paper trail for when the parasite wants contact with your child.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 16:22

Honest to god, what a waste of space he is! He blames you for losing his job. He blames you for him not being involved in your son's education. He blames you for not wanting to have sex with him - well who the hell would want to have sex with him?

Come on, OP. You have one precious life. Your partner is showing your son how a man behaves. Do you really want that?

Maitri108 · 11/04/2025 16:23

OP you're in quite a dangerous position and you need professional help. The reason I'm saying this is because his behaviour is escalating.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and get advice on how to remove him safely. The DV organisation will assess your risk and help you come up with a safety plan.

You can find your local domestic abuse organisation on your council website, Refuge webchat is open till 10pm Mon-Fri and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 24/7.

For the time being, do not ask him to leave or finish the relationship. Get advice first.

PickAChew · 11/04/2025 16:23

You need to get the police involved for the sake of your son. He cannot be around such a violent man.

Agapornis · 11/04/2025 16:25

You think it's better for your son if the police doesn't get involved?!

Why would you have such a shit role model for your son? Life will be easier without.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 11/04/2025 16:26

Cocklodger alert 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Do you rent or mortgage? Can you get the locks changed and leave his stuff on the doorstep? Call the police and if he kicks off theyll remove him - again.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/04/2025 17:10

You broke up previously for a reason. That reason hasn't changed. Break up with him permanently this time and kick him out/leave.

The thing is that when he doesn’t get his way he gets aggressive and shouts and smashes things also he gets in my face and I become frightened of him.
You HAVE to get the police involved. Contact them first and ask their advice on how to get him to leave safely. You can do this Flowers

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 11/04/2025 17:14

Him being an adult and doing his fair share of household chores should not be a transactional arrangement dependent on whether he gets enough sex.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2025 17:14

It is precisely because of your son that you should get the police involved and your boundaries, skewed as they are already, are being further messed with by this individual now.

What sort of role model is he to your son anyway?. These types of abusive men hate women, ALL of them. Do you want your son to potentially go onto hate women as well?. Your son has seen and heard way more than enough already from the adults in his life.

DecafDodger · 11/04/2025 17:19

gets aggressive and shouts and smashes things also he gets in my face and I become frightened of him.
lazy unemployed waste of space, and aggressive and abusive on top. You would be very U to stay with this man.

Catoo · 11/04/2025 17:19

Agree with @Maitri108

You need to get rid of him safely.

If he gets abusive/violent in the meantime you absolutely must call the police. Precisely because you want to protect DC.

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