I’m moving house today and leaving my DB to be evicted, come tell me it’ll be ok?

[MovingToday]

I live in a HA bungalow, 2.5 beds which is adapted for my DC whose disabled. I am a single parent, split with DCs dad due to violence and control, which he continues even now we’re split.

Last year my parents persuaded me emotionally blackmailed me into letting my AuADHD DSib move in when they split with their spouse.

It’s been horrible and everytime I raise it with my parents I get emotional blackmail about how I’ve always landed on my feet and it’s only fair I share my luck. I sleep on the sofa because the small room isn’t big enough for a bed and DSib couldn’t possibly sleep on the sofa with their issues.

Examples of DBs behaviour (it’s longer than this though)

• Told me they are a better parent to DC than I am because he actually deals with their meltdowns – DC gets told no, and I do not allow hitting, kicking or bitting during meltdowns but if DC wants to be sad/overstimulated/angry that’s allowed, they can have a shout and then go sit in their room to calm down, I find if I do anything else they get worse and are more likely to become violent but DB picks DC up and puts them in their room and tells them they can’t have anything to eat or drink until they calm down, this usually makes them worse and I get shouted at for “Not dealing with DC”
• DC (aged 10 almost 11) gets shouted at by DSib most mornings for waking them up to early (7.30am on a school morning, 8.30am on weekends, apparently any noise before 11am is too much)
• DSib wakes DC up in the night shouting into their gaming headset when I asked DSib to keep it down I get told to grow up and deal with my child to stop them disturbing DSib
• DSib said they’re a better pet owner than me because they occasionally let my Dog into the garden while I’m working – I still walk the dog x3 a day, feed them twice a day, pick up their poop from the garden. I also care for DSibs cats; feed them, sort their litter tray, keep Dog away from them as the cats don’t like her. And I also care for my neighbours pets when they go away several times a year. But apparently DSib is better than me at pet ownership
• I ask DSib for a small contribution to the rent/bills to be told that I am disgusting and money grabbing and if need money I need to get off my a**e and get a job – it was less than £100 a month DSib gets over £1k a month from UC and PIP. I work admittedly I freelance so only work on average 6 days per month but I al get DLA for DC, and some UC moneys not an issue for me, I never borrow it from anyone I just thought DSib should contribute
• DSib told my ExH how awful a parent I am to DC so now I get EA via text message from him
• DSib tried to make DC feel bad because they have an adapted bathroom off their room according to DSib the ensuite is for adults and they deserve it more than DC because they have to share a bathroom with me
• I have a basket in the main bathroom next to my toilet with period products, toilet paper and other bathroom products in for anyone to help themselves to if needed – Dsib moved all my period products out of the bathroom and told me to keep “those things hidden in a bag or something that’s not gross”
• Threatened to get my elderly neighbours evicted when they had a BBQ with their DC and GC – apparently it stinks and they were too noisy – it was 6pm on a Saturday night last summer, they were inside by 9pm and they invited my DC to go over and play with their GC (and offered them some food off the BBQ to)
• Same neighbours dog got into my garden, did it’s business and then ran back into it’s own home. Neighbours offered to clear it up but I did it, these things happen, it could have been my dog who got into their garden – Dsib says the dog is awfully behaved and they should lose it when they get evicted – it’s a small breed dog; shitzh zhu (sp?) and gets on well with both my DC and my dog, I’ve never heard their dog so much as bark when someone knocks their door, they wouldn’t let a vicious/badly behaved dog around their own GC

I could go on, but I’ve been threatened, told I’m disgusting and everything else when I told DSib to move out at the beginning of the year. Apparently I have it so easy and need to wake up to the realities of life. DSib can’t possibly live in a HMO according to my parents which is what they were offered before they moved in with me.

So in March I contacted my housing association for advice. They’re offered me a bungalow closer to DCs school, similar layout to ours and includes the adapted bathroom DC has now but it’s only 2 beds. The family currently in that bungalow have a child at a school closer to my current place, so we’re basically swapping.

I’m all packed, just waiting for the HAs van to arrive to take my stuff (I’ve paid extra for this). I’ve bought myself a new bed so DSib can have the one they currently sleep in. DC goes to their dad tonight for 2 nights so I have time to get it all ready for DC to come back on Sunday.

DSib is being evicted today, they’ll offer a HMO again (under 35 so can’t offer a 1 bed flat apparently), my name will be mud in my family, but I’m past caring although slightly worried.

It’ll be ok won’t it?

If he does, don’t answer the doors just call the police and wait for them to come and remove him.

Well done @MovingToday hope it has gone well

Well done OP. Don't look back. If either of your parents were that concerned they could do something about it, not blame you. He's their child, not yours.
You really haven't had it easy.
Good times ahead OP. Go NC if needed. Enjoy your DC and new home.

Good
To be clear I think OP has absolutely done the right thing but I hope the new family will have an easy move AS WELL

No she isnt, LA are getting him removed as he is now there illegally. He is squatting.

You cant evict someone who doesnt have a right to be there in the first place. The police will be called and he will be removed.

She’s getting him evicted out it that way. Or one could say she’s causing him to be evicted.

Not true. An HA can evict unauthorised tenants. But there are protocols to be followed. The police can’t evict people, only court appointed bailiffs can do that.

To get bailiffs they’d need a court order, which they have already have applied for. Police would only be there to prevent a breach of the peace.

This is a good thing. You and your child's lives will be infinitely improved. Wishing you good luck.

He is abusive, and so are your parents for allowing and even encouraging the abuse. Congratulations on your new home, I hope you’re very happy there with your dc and ddog.

Sounds like you’ve always been bullied by your family, which set you up for an abusive relationship with the father of your DC, and then yet more abuse by your parents and horrible sibling.

Well done you on standing up for yourself and your child - no more being shouted at or physically manhandled - and enjoy your new home.

Can you get some counselling or at least do the Freedom programme to help you understand the patterns of behaviour you’ve been subjected to, and how to keep yourself safe in the future.

Good call, The Freedom Program isnt just about abuse between partners, it applies to all kinds of abuse with family settings. And it can really help you see the way that abusers suck you in and manipulate you.

I hope all goes well OP

I hope your move went well. Please be strong when your not so ‘d’b tries to get in. Surely one of your parents can sleep in the lounge like you did in order to accommodate him?! Might be an idea to at least temporarily block them on your phone to stop the emotional blackmail. They’re disgraceful doing this to you.

That is not how the law works…the HA can facilitate a swap but they aren’t legally responsible if one family doesn’t actually move everyone. It will leave the other family in a terrible predicament. OP hasn’t been clear whether it was a swap or new tenancies. I am surprised the HA are agreeing to foot the bill for the legal costs to evict him when they are entitled to vacant possession.

Well done. You prioritised yourself and your child. Nothing else matters.

Yes, Tell them this.
Good luck with your move to your new home OP.

Nothing to add re your awful fam and brother.

Just wanted to wish you well in your new home. Hope you and DD are super happy there.

🎉

He isn’t squatting in accordance with the law. He’s an unauthorised occupant. Totally different legislation and different court processes. Neither are quick and they can’t just get a bailiff to evict without a court order. And police will not be interested at all as it’s a civil dispute

This 💯
He will probably kick off so be prepared

I really hope you have had a good move and your sib has buggered off quietly.

Best of luck OP. You're doing the right thing. Your family sound horrible TBH. Don't let them guilt you back into such an awful situation.

After may years dealing with my DS who went to prison for assaulting me, had serious drug & alcohol issues &, for a long time the courts imposed an anti-contact order.

He lost the accommodation that Probation put him into because he wouldn't follow the rules (was smoking drugs & drinking alcohol, playing laud music etc) My mother persuaded/bullied me into allowing him to rent a flat from me.

He kept disabling the smoke alarms because they kept going off when he burned food. I kept telling him that was a safety measure &, as his landlord (even though he lived there rent-free & mum paid the utility bills), & I would re-enable them.

But eventually one evening he left something cooking, in his drug/drink stupor realised the flat was on fire & collapsed behind the front door. The police came to see me to tell me that fire services had had to bash the door in, son was in hospital recovering from smoke inhalation & the effects of his drugs & alcohol, but the flat was open to anyone who wanted to enter. I spent the rest of the night in the flat & in the morning got a builder-friend to secure my it. I evicted my son. Well had no choice as the flat wasn't habitable. Because fire alarms were disabled my insurance didn't pay out - cost me £1000's to put the flat right & I had to save hard for months & take out a loan in order to pay for it. Son lived on the streets for a few months.

I had to harden my heart - he was 27 years old & old enough to know better & was all of his own making.

It broke my heart. But I had no choice.

I hope it went well OP. It is interesting to me that people often accuse others of their own worse faults - the only disgusting behaviour here is from your brother and your parents. I would refuse to discuss it with your parents any further - they are clearly not wanting to take responsibility for your brother (no doubt because they know what an arsehole he is), and want to dump it on you. And I doubt that AuADHD is your brothers only problem - it is not inevitable that people with those conditions will be horrible, and there is a large part of his behaviour that sounds like he is just spoilt and unpleasant.

Your parents sound lovely.

What a HORRIBLE thing to say!! The OP has clearly gone through hell during her lifetime, and has managed to stay strong in spite of her awful parents and brother, but you come in and try to minimise things. We don't know how big her brother is, if she had asked him to leave and he refused, he might have beaten her up, and what does she do then? Yes, I guess she could have rung the police, but with someone like her brother, there's no knowing what he might have done once the police disappeared. I think you're just being nasty for the sake of something to say. Did your parents never teach you that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all? You should be ashamed of yourself!