Is this my fault or is DP being horrible?

[crazycatgal]

DP and I have a 3 month old DS. Since being pregnant DP has been increasingly unkind to me. I have been a bit wobbly with anxiety since having DS and DP keeps telling me that problems are down to my mental health, however DS makes me so happy and I love spending time with him, it is only when things happen with DP that I get upset. Some examples are below.

When I was 2 weeks PP I was trying to get ready to take DS out of the house as he had arranged for us to meet up with his friend. I told him that I needed help, he called me a moody bitch, told me to fuck off and then said I needed to stop being upset as we were going out and I would embarrass him in front of his friend.

A couple of weeks ago we were crossing a road, someone stopped to let us cross, DP waved his hand to say thank you and I focused on getting across the road with the pram. DP asked if I said thanks, I said no as my hands were on the pram and he said thanks. He then told me that this was the reason that people never stop to let anyone cross. I said sorry and tried to explain but he stormed off. I then went and sat down as he stormed off without looking back and I had tears in my eyes. He then found me told me to stop being upset as people would think he had done something wrong and there was no reason for me to be upset. He then told me that I probably need to speak to a doctor.

When he is snappy/unkind and I get upset he calls me a baby, tells me that I need to grow up and that he is not going to pander to me. He then tells me that he has no idea why I’m upset because he has done nothing wrong. He tells me that it is my fault if he gets nasty because he is just getting defensive. He tells me if I break up with him he will not bother with DS or his older child who is not mine.

He often watches me on the Alexa camera downstairs and has done so when I have had a friend round. He also tells me not to speak about any relationship problems with anyone. If I ever try to speak to him about anything I am told that I am sensitive, he has done nothing wrong and that my problem is with myself and my mental health. My self esteem is in pieces, I feel nervous about what to do or say incase I upset DP. Is this my fault, is it really nothing to get upset over?

If I was in your shoes there is no way I'd stay with this mean and pathetic man.

Criticising, belittling and controlling to keep you in your place as I see it, I’d get out sharpish, you deserve so much more.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound at all like its your fault and if I were in your shoes I would be getting very upset each time too. To echo the first reply to your post, your husband sounds like a mean and pathetic man and you deserve to be treated better.

He is being horrible.

It is not your fault.

He a nasty bully. You need to leave him , things will not get better.

Op sadly you are in an abusive.. Some men ramp up the abuse when you have a baby. They think they have you trapped now.
They don't.
He doesn't..
Make plans to end the relationship... Is he on the bc? Does he work?

You are in an abusive relationship. This will only get worse over time until you are a shell of your former self. Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and make plans to leave. Please confide in someone you trust xx

He's a vile, nasty bully. Don't let this be your life

Literally read your first example and I can categorically say it’s not you. He’s an arsehole, and emotionally abusing you. I would be making plans to leave him as soon as possible. What’s your housing situation, and do you have access to money?

Turn the cameras off in the home. Tell him you will choose who to say thank you to or not and do not need his input on your behaviour. If he calls you names leave the room. If he threatens to leave you and his children say that’s up to him and don’t engage.

He is being horrible to you. Find people who make you feel good about yourself.

Pregnancy and or birth are often flashpoints for abusive men to show their true colours. Its. not you at fault here, it's him. And abusive men always say it's another person's fault and never their own.

It goes without saying your child cannot afford to grow up within such a household because he will continue to see you as his mum being abused by his dad. The relationship you now have with this man is over and its over because of the abuse he continues to mete out to you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting here. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

And turn off the Alexa camera in your home; such surveillance of you is a criminal act.

He tells me if I break up with him he will not bother with DS or his older child who is not mine

He often watches me on the Alexa camera downstairs and has done so when I have had a friend round

He then told me that I probably need to speak to a doctor

I'm not saying that some women can be unhinged, and that some people are oversensitive, but suggesting that the abused partner is either of these is often textbook abusive behaviour. Men have been trying that on since Victorian times, and in those days, he probably would have threatened to commit you to an asylum.

They know what they're doing, and the irony of this is that it's so often the bully that's the oversensitive one - like it's a very obvious pattern I've seen. They're the ones that fly off the handle, who huff, puff, sulk or swear when the slightest thing goes wrong, they don't get their own way, or their partner DARES to stand up to them.

Your problem isn't that you're oversensitive. Your problem is that you aren't rageful enough. That's because you're upset and fragile right now, so i hope you find the strength, self-esteem and anger which will propel you to leave him before he does more damage. He sounds like a nasty piece of work to, especially with that threat to have nothing to do with the children.

Sadly yes. Happened to a friend. Sometimes you can see it as early as marriage, but they know that when a woman is pregnant, she's then really vulnerable.

Take your baby and get out now, before he starts thumping you - it’s only a matter of time before he does. If you stay, your DS will either start thinking this is the normal way to treat your partner or he will be filled with rage against his father, neither of which are good for a child. Please don’t tell him you’re going. Just go.

Thank you all for my responses, they have made me feel less crazy, I really appreciate them.

To answer a few questions:
DP is on the birth certificate
DP works
I own my own house (DP not on the mortgage)
I have a good job but my maternity pay is dire… I’m down to SMP at the end of the month.

Take you child and run. I don't say leave easily but this is a controlling abusive man and it will only get worse.

Not being on his child's life is a good thing!

Run

He's an abusive prick

Get your ducks in a row and look into getting him out, and how to claim CMS

He sounds awful OP

Smashing that the house is yours.. And imo that you aren't married.... Give him a date to be gone... How about this weekend?
Claim cms..
If he threatens not to see ds.. Extra smashing.. No dc needs a bully for a df...
Oh and watch for your mental health improving pretty damn quick when he is gone ...
He is trying to make you believe you can't manage without him.
Well you absolutely bloody will. And your ds will thrive...

You can probably get a mortgage holiday - call them and see. Do this when he’s out in case he overhears you. Then get a friend to be there when you kick him out - others will be able to advise how to handle that situation better than me, but I would say change the locks and leave his things on the doorstep. Don’t do it without a friend or family member there. Given how resentful of DS he seems, I doubt he’ll fight you for much contact and good thing too.

Your partner is an abusive man. Speak to women’s aid for some help and clarification. Abuse often picks up during or after pregnancy, when a woman is vulnerable physically and financially. Get rid of any cameras in the house. You don’t need to be spied on in your own home. Tell friends and family what he has been like.

This is an abusive relationship- please confide in some of your relatives, get rid of the cameras, get rid of the partner and have a male family member there whilst he leaves- change the locks and any issues call the police and get a video doorbell- if he wants contact go to court so he can have supervised visits so you aren’t there- usually this is how abuse starts and then begins physical abuse

OP I want to reassure you that you have done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever. Even if you had, you do not deserve to be treated like this.

It's very common for abuse to start around pregnancy. This is because the abuser has trapped you and they take off their mask.
Interviews with abusers demonstrate that this is a deliberate tactic.

Spying on you, telling you not to get upset, telling you not to tell anyone about his behaviour etc is all abusive.

This is not how a loving man treats the mother of his child. The problem here is that his behaviour is likely to escalate and it will affect your child.

You could start by contacting Refuge via webchat which is open till 10pm. You can also call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is available 24/7.

ETA I've just seen that the house is yours. You need advice on how to safely remove him from the property because his behaviour might escalate when you finish the relationship.

This. Leave his DC with him.

You are 'the nanny with a fanny and a house'. His treatment of you is abuse.