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Original poster

To continue a relationship when i don't fancy him?

47 replies

YourIcyGoldOrca · 10/04/2025 12:42

He's everything I want on paper, kind, handsome, generous, funny and respectful. He's tall and has a dad bod which was exactly what I was looking for. But I just don't fancy him.
i have not been in a healthy relationship, I always fancy the 'bad guy'. My last relationship was abusive both physically and mentally.
We have been dating about 8 weeks and whilst I am fond of him, I don't feel any sparks when we kiss.
He is wanting to take it to the next level now, be exclusive and sex.
i don't know what to do because he is everything I was looking for, do I continue and hope I feel the spark?
Am i so used to an unhealthy infatuation that a 'normal' relationship is not excitting?
i feel like I need to make a decision because I dont want to mess him around as he is genuinely a nice guy.

OP posts:
Iloveanicegarden · 10/04/2025 12:44

Don't do it. I did and it's been one long life of 'making do'

Lmnop22 · 10/04/2025 12:44

No you can’t lead him on when you don’t fancy him.

I’m afraid you’re only thinking about this from your perspective - “shall I settle for someone I don’t fancy because he’s a nice guy?”

But you’re depriving this lovely man of being with someone who fancies the pants off him and he deserves that!

Summerhillsquare · 10/04/2025 12:47

Fgs don't have sex with someone who doesn't excite you. All round misery.

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 12:47

You need to do some work on yourself. You were in an abusive relationship which is an indication that your radar is off.

You say you've never been in a healthy relationship so it might be an idea to knock this on the head and do the Freedom Programme.

JackdawRoost · 10/04/2025 12:48

It's great that you didn't choose someone awful again. But a safe choice isn't always the right one. And its not fair on him either. I would honestly get therapy to build yourself up before dating

In my own experience, getting involved with someone seemingly more reliable and "safe" in ways that my terrible ex weren't, was still not right for me. And eventually it usually leads to a split anyway. But working on yourself with therapy is never time wasted, in fact it's an investment into what future or what man you'd truly like to be with.

WayneEyre · 10/04/2025 12:52

Have you had any therapy after your abusive relationship and previous dating patterns and early history? I would amicably end this and do that work on yourself. Don't shag a 'bad boy' in the meantime. You're going in the right direction, finding someone who cares about you and will respect you. You just need to get to a point where you really appreciate and feel the value of that, you don't just understand it intellectually. Don't ruin this. Let him go with grace. Say it isn't a good time but you've enjoyed getting to know him. Do some work. He may give you another chance later. He isn't obligated to but someone else will. Don't just hang in there hoping it works out either.

WayneEyre · 10/04/2025 12:54

And to add, this man may be lovely but just not quite the one for you. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean you have to have to make it work. You can still be selective amongst decent men

ItGhoul · 10/04/2025 13:18

It’s very unfair on him to have a relationship with him if you don’t fancy him.

How would you like it if you were in a relationship with a man who didn’t find you attractive and didn’t want sex with you? That lack of attraction isn’t something you can hide forever.

Just because he is nice, that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with him. Men aren’t divided solely into fanciable abusers and unfanciable kind men, you know. You can find a fanciable kind man. This one just isn’t him.

Original poster
YourIcyGoldOrca · 10/04/2025 13:25

Had years of therapy just to get to this point, my therapist sugested I try something different this time rather than repeating the same behaviour and expecting a different result!! I would usually date based purely on physical attraction and f on first date .
i think your your all saying what I already know and its not fair on him.

OP posts:
Thispupsgottofly · 10/04/2025 13:31

Going against the grain here-
I didn't fancy my husband when I first met him but after knowing him about 18 months as friends he grew on me.
Having sex with him (and it being good) helped the attraction grow.
So maybe you should try sex and then make your decision.

BlondeMummyto1 · 10/04/2025 13:32

It won’t work.. I have tried it in the past. It’s also not fair on him.

mildlydispeptic · 10/04/2025 13:39

The fact that you don’t feel the spark doesn’t have to be all your fault/problem, OP. Even if you have a history of being attracted to bad boys, there could be other factors at play that are perfectly normal.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 10/04/2025 13:41

Better to be in a loving, kind, somewhat lacklustre relationship with someone who you don't have the hots for, than in a relationship with an abusive bastard you do have the hots for.

EarthSight · 10/04/2025 13:56

I think you should let him go as nice men deserve to be with someone who fancies them.

Even though it would be a shame to let go of something good, I disagree with others that you should stay with him because it seems like it's going in the right direction. This man shouldn't be someone you try out something on. There's a risk he will get emotionally attached to you if you continue, then he'll be broken hearted when you call it off because he was Mr Nice Guy. Right now, there's still a chance to end it without hurting him too much.

Upsidedownsides · 10/04/2025 14:04

I think your therapist would be appalled if they thought you were going to have sex with a guy you don’t fancy because they are right on paper. This is not what your therapist meant.

if you don’t fancy someone you shouldn’t be dating them for 8 weeks- you should have the confidence to pull the plug well before then. Success is about finding the right relationship, not any relationship

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 10/04/2025 14:10

Is he rich? If not then throw him back. Tbh attraction for me comes as a result of personality. But you need to bounce of one another's energy and feel united and if you aren't getting that the walls come up and you just don't feel it. Better to say I just can't feel the spark for long term and end it.

SummerInSun · 10/04/2025 14:18

Thispupsgottofly · 10/04/2025 13:31

Going against the grain here-
I didn't fancy my husband when I first met him but after knowing him about 18 months as friends he grew on me.
Having sex with him (and it being good) helped the attraction grow.
So maybe you should try sex and then make your decision.

I’m more on this school of thought to be honest. For me the “spark” is emotional - what makes me want to sleep with my husband is the fact I like him so much as a person, we laugh and have fun together, etc. I can see some random hot stranger or actor on screen and think he’s attractive, but I wouldn’t want to sleep with them. For me “sexy” is the man that unpacks the dishwasher or cooks a meal as a matter of course!

Olika · 10/04/2025 14:32

I think it depends on if you really don’t fancy him because there’s not that something that makes him different and if you don’t fancy him because you are protecting yourself and not letting yourself feel anything.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/04/2025 15:06

Please don't sleep with him just to see if it's any good Op, if it's poor sex because you don't fancy him and you stop seeing him after he'll be crushed. If you don't fancy him then end it

HazelTraybake · 10/04/2025 15:19

8weeks is still very early, I think when you're used to bad guys a kind relationship does feel boring, bad guys give off excitement and danger and spontaneity but that soon wears off and you your heart broken. A relationship is supposed to feel safe and calm with lots of clear communication.
I had previously had DV and abuse/ being cheated on in previous relationships. I stayed single and done therapy because I didn't want to be with anyone, then along came my partner, started off as someone I would talk to at my kids club, became friends on FB and started messaging to progress to going for a drink etc.
He's a kind guy with a good heart and practically perfect on paper, but I didn't get a spark to begin with, infact it was a while because I was convincing myself it was too good to be true and held myself back waiting for something bad to happen.
When I let myself feel things and get to know him properly that's when I started to get feelings and a spark.
I would talk to him openly about how you're struggling and don't feel ready to move forward just yet, if he's as perfect as you say he is then he will be willing to listen and slow things down. I would give it the 3 month rule, if after 3 months you still don't have any feelings or even any form of attraction then let him go so he can find someone who will

Honeybee0928 · 10/04/2025 15:23

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 12:47

You need to do some work on yourself. You were in an abusive relationship which is an indication that your radar is off.

You say you've never been in a healthy relationship so it might be an idea to knock this on the head and do the Freedom Programme.

“Your radar is off”?! Wtaf. Victim blaming at its finest!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 15:31

Your type is not your type.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse and or poor life experiences, were further eroded by your bad ex.

I would enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not date at all until your boundaries are a lot healthier.

This is a good article to read re sparks as well
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/05/a-very-nice-man-is-interested-in-me-but-i-dont-feel-a-spark

A very nice man is interested in me, but I don’t feel a spark | Ask Philippa

Why not see what happens when you prioritise someone who offers you stability and decency?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/05/a-very-nice-man-is-interested-in-me-but-i-dont-feel-a-spark

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 15:32

Honeybee0928 · 10/04/2025 15:23

“Your radar is off”?! Wtaf. Victim blaming at its finest!

Show quote history

How is that victim blaming?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 15:37

This reply has been hidden

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Sodthesystem · 10/04/2025 15:42

Absolutely not. Someone you don't fancy, is a friend. Though arguably not wise to go that route either if he might like uyou as more of course.

It's fine to be single until/unless you find the right fit. Partners are not necessary.