To continue a relationship when i don't fancy him?

[YourIcyGoldOrca]

He's everything I want on paper, kind, handsome, generous, funny and respectful. He's tall and has a dad bod which was exactly what I was looking for. But I just don't fancy him.
i have not been in a healthy relationship, I always fancy the 'bad guy'. My last relationship was abusive both physically and mentally.
We have been dating about 8 weeks and whilst I am fond of him, I don't feel any sparks when we kiss.
He is wanting to take it to the next level now, be exclusive and sex.
i don't know what to do because he is everything I was looking for, do I continue and hope I feel the spark?
Am i so used to an unhealthy infatuation that a 'normal' relationship is not excitting?
i feel like I need to make a decision because I dont want to mess him around as he is genuinely a nice guy.

It's just facts not victim blaming.

People who have gone through shit often fall into the trap of thinking 'well at least he's not as bad as my ex' or 'maybe I should just be thankful because he's a nice person, even though I don't fancy him'.

People with healthy boundaries don't settle. Telling someone they need to work on their boundaries because their ex has worked a number on them, isn't victim blaming. It can be hard to hear but much less painful than spending their life with the wrong man.

I disagree. Telling someone that their radar is off because the person the fell for is abusive is suggesting that they did something wrong. You can be the most emotionally intelligent person in the world and have all the boundaries you should have and still be manipulated and abused. It’s a them problem. If that’s not what was meant it’s just a bad choice of words.

Good luck with the break up, eight weeks is long enough to know if you fancy someone or not. Just chalk it up to experience, you are clearly responding well to therapy and making better choices. You just haven't met your prince yet.

I have not been in a healthy relationship

Your radar is off if you've never had a healthy relationship. That's not victim blaming as you're never responsible for other people's behaviour. However, if you consistently choose abusive men, your radar is off.

If she's never had a healthy relationships then yes, her radar is off.

I do get your issue with the posters wording implying bad radar is always the reason for unhealthy relationships. But I feel they kinda clarified it with their second paragraph. Of course something needs adjusting if you're jumping from abuser to abuser.

It is vital to spot abuse early. Otherwise they can get their claws into pretty much anyone. All it takes is time and proximity.

It's no more of an insult to say someone's abuse radar is off than saying someone's gaydar is off. Until you take a step back and really examine what signs you are missing, you'll keep missing them.

If course, the ability to take action and leave as soon as she sees red flags or not, is also vital and also needs tuning.

Pardon me? Whats all this radar malarkey. I haven’t mentioned radars once - did you meant to quote someone else? You must have done.

@YourIcyGoldOrca - have you read Women Who Love Too Much? She discusses how healthy relationships can seem dull if you’ve been used to the intense highs and lows of an abusive relationship. I was a departure from type for my DH. We’ve been together 25 years. His previous relationships were all pretty short-lived.

This guy may still not be right for you but you’re right that your sense of ‘spark’ might come from unhelpful relationship paradigms.

Think it's the poster above your last post I was replying to.

This is really unfair to him. If you don’t fancy him then let him go and find someone who does. If he’s a nice guy he deserves someone who wants to rip his clothes off and knows what they want.
Don’t sleep with him and pretend, that’ll only make it harder when you do leave. Which you will.

It’s been 8 weeks. You know what to do, OP.

Ah right - thanks - that makes more sense!

Better to be content with being single than thinking you have to be in a relationship.

Best to let him go, you know your not going to have a future with him so why prolong it. It's not fair that everyone reading your post knows more about your relationship than he does. Tell him today and let him heal & move on. Let him find someone who genuinely wants to be with him for all the right reasons.

Yes, we all know that. I was just pointing out that being in a relationship with a bastard you fancy is far worse than being in a relationship with a nice bloke you don't fancy. Love, affection, commitment and companionship do count for something, even if the sex isn't mind-blowing.

I think sometimes it can grow but you will know if the potential is there or not for that to happen. If you find him physically repulsive it won't work. I usually need that to know someone a little bit more than face value before I feel sparks but I at least have to find them a little bit attractive to begin with.

I tried this and was advised by someone on here to end it because eventually every literal single thing about him would irritate me. She was right. Looking back it makes my skin crawl.

Have you done any fun activities together which have exited you? This is something I would recommend trying and if you still don’t fancy him to have a conversation with him at that point.

No you shouldn't. I've been there, met a guy who was everything on paper I wanted he was a really successful artist, from a country I loved and would have been thrilled to live in. Into so many of the things I loved, we shared so much and he was actually incredibly beautiful, he was romantic and he was crazy about me but for some reason it just didn't click with me. I still don't really know why I look at photographs of him and I'm amazed at how handsome he was but I distinctly remember how disappointed I was that I didn't find him attractive.

Sadly he ended his own life a few years later, I don't know why.

It would be cruel of you to continue the relationship if you don't fancy him.

He does sound like a nice guy but if you don't fancy him, he's not for you. Having said that you could perhaps stay friends (if he wanted that) and maybe something will develop, but it's not fair on him to give him hope.

I think your therapist is right about going for a different type. You've done that here and recognise he's a good guy. You can do that again with someone else. I don't think you should have sex with them for a few weeks, though - break that habit as all your hormones go into overdrive and you think the guy is better than he actually is.

Why prolong a dead end relationship just because someone meets a tick list of criteria?

It doesn’t really matter why there is no spark just leave this. You may need counselling for your past but that is a separate matter.

I used to date bad boys. Oh I loved the excitement, the sex was amazing and the drama was never ending! I loved the mind games and the thrill of seeming like I could turn their heads. Then I woke up one day and thought “why am I wasting my life?” Why am I sabotaging my chances of a loving, mutually respectful relationship? After much therapy, I found that I wanted “makes me feel safe and loved” more than “makes me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster”. When you’re attracted to the person inside, that’s when it becomes exciting. Some people are the slow burn types. That said, there is nothing WRONG with choosing bad boys, so long as you know exactly what will happen and you’re doing it voluntarily. Just don’t ever expect to settle down with one - it won’t happen.