Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner living aboard

47 replies

Mel198143 · 09/04/2025 23:24

so my husband last year in may decided to up and move to Portugal to live and work leaving me in the uk. I can’t join him as I have an 18 year old that doesn’t want to come with us so as a mother I can’t just pack up and leave her. I try and go out at least every 5 weeks but he makes no effort to come back to the uk am I just wasting my time I’m 43 I just feel like I’m wasting my years waiting for him I know no one that’s been in this situation

OP posts:
Trinzy · 09/04/2025 23:34

It seems an odd thing to happen in a marriage.

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:36

It sounds as though your marriage is over OP.

jujiju · 09/04/2025 23:38

Like others have said, that’s not how marriages work. Did you have any say in the matter?

Original poster
Mel198143 · 10/04/2025 00:44

No i was in an emotionally abusive marriage before so would never stop anyone from. Doing what they needed to do it was he’s choice he choose to leave me and go live in Portugal thinking it was for our future but a year on I can’t leave the uk for my children but I asked him if I said you couldn’t go would you have gone and he said yes I know in my head I should just let it go but I love him

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 10/04/2025 01:28

But don't you love YOU op?

I think you sound like a lovely person who wanted their partner to be happy and who believed it would benefit the relationship ultimately. But it hasn't and he's showing no signs of being able to make the same sacrifice for you as you did for him, by coming home now.

Sometimes when we leave one abusive relationship we can fall into another that isn't 'as bad' or a relationship that might not be abusive but, still isnt what we deserve. He seems cold and selfish and perhaps even like he's checked out already.

I hope you don't mind but I just happened to feel a pull towards my dusty tarot deck on the bedside table and thought I'd pull a card for you. It was the seven of cups. Which talks about there sometimes being an issue concerning the difference between what we want and, the actual reality of things. It urges taking time to introspect and figure out what is most important to us and, what is genuine and worthwhile. Flicking through for extra clarity I got the feeling there's actually some sudden change coming in soon. Anyway, just some silliness there but, perhaps useful.

Hopefully it will work out! Just, please love you as much as the love you give to others op. You deserve to be happy too.

MoreChocPls · 10/04/2025 06:39

WTF! You do realise in effect he’s walked out on this marriage. I’d terminate it as you’re not important to him.

Emmz1510 · 10/04/2025 18:13

This marriage is dead OP

Jackienew · 10/04/2025 18:18

Are the children his

carlmotl · 10/04/2025 18:33

He's walked out and left you.
I'm sorry.

Booboobagins · 10/04/2025 18:43

My hubby wanted to live in Spain. We eventually packed up but the kids hated it and I came home. His work/business was in Spain. We visited regularly. His illness then declined (it was his main reason to be in a warmer climate) and he died after he returned home on a visit.

The one question I think you should answer is if he died how would you feel. Tgat will tell you how much you love him and you can take decisions from there.

Good luck.

Richiewoo · 10/04/2025 18:50

He left you when he went to live there's. He's checked out.

Welshmonster · 10/04/2025 18:51

He’s left you without telling you! He’s hoping you will divorce him

IndigoBrave · 10/04/2025 19:00

Has he also left his child/children?

LIZS · 10/04/2025 19:03

Is he a partner or husband? Does he ever visit uk or are you making all the effort?

Hdjdb42 · 10/04/2025 19:07

If he's never once visited you, then I'd divorce him. There is no relationship there at all, a meet up once every 5 weeks is not a relationship.

Original poster
Mel198143 · 10/04/2025 20:04

Not his children they are adults 18 and 25 obviously they don’t want to come but it’s more about the 18year she’s still in college no financial income so I’m here anyway until she can support herself. My husband hasn’t returned in 4 months because of he’s visa requirements so until his visa is sorted it’s up to me to make all the effort in visiting him.

OP posts:
Manthide · 10/04/2025 21:34

Is 18 year old going to university in September? If so then you would be free to move to Portugal if you so wish. It sounds like he can't visit rather than won't. Depends how good the communication is between you.

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 21:38

I know several couples who do this. Works fine.
The ones abroad do come back occasionally though.

TwistedWonder · 10/04/2025 21:40

He’s left your marriage because HE wants to be single man in another country and you’re running around after him despite him showing you loud and clear he’s not bothered about your relationship. Why are you demeaning yourself for a man who has split with you and not had the decency to tell you.

Harry12345 · 11/04/2025 00:12

Booboobagins · 10/04/2025 18:43

My hubby wanted to live in Spain. We eventually packed up but the kids hated it and I came home. His work/business was in Spain. We visited regularly. His illness then declined (it was his main reason to be in a warmer climate) and he died after he returned home on a visit.

The one question I think you should answer is if he died how would you feel. Tgat will tell you how much you love him and you can take decisions from there.

Good luck.

Sorry for your loss but this isn’t good advice. She loves the man so will feel awful about him dying but that shouldn’t change how moves on if he isn’t treating her badly. Most people feel sad if there partner dies, doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy

Codlingmoths · 11/04/2025 04:37

i think you should say let me know if you plan to visit, and then build your life without him, which is what he is doing.

Tbrh · 11/04/2025 05:03

I just read a Marian Keyes book like this, The Break. I'd recommend a read

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2025 07:22

Manthide · 10/04/2025 21:34

Is 18 year old going to university in September? If so then you would be free to move to Portugal if you so wish. It sounds like he can't visit rather than won't. Depends how good the communication is between you.

That's really not how it works...

Booboobagins · 11/04/2025 07:31

Harry12345 · 11/04/2025 00:12

Sorry for your loss but this isn’t good advice. She loves the man so will feel awful about him dying but that shouldn’t change how moves on if he isn’t treating her badly. Most people feel sad if there partner dies, doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy

Show quote history

Look if all she would feel is sad, she doesn't love him and she should cut herself and him loose.

But to you I'd say if you think you just feel sad when the love of your life dies, then you don't know love. Your partner dies and you lose your future. It's beyond bleak. The only time I've ever thought I dont want to go on. And why? Because I loved him. Sad doesn't even come close to how any of us (maybe except you) would feel losing their partner. I'm now 9 years on and I still dont feel just sad!

Isthiswhatmenthink · 11/04/2025 08:53

Manthide · 10/04/2025 21:34

Is 18 year old going to university in September? If so then you would be free to move to Portugal if you so wish. It sounds like he can't visit rather than won't. Depends how good the communication is between you.

Why would she want to go and live with this non-committal selfish prick of a man? This is so far from normal in a marriage it’s unreal.