Partner living aboard

[Mel198143]

so my husband last year in may decided to up and move to Portugal to live and work leaving me in the uk. I can’t join him as I have an 18 year old that doesn’t want to come with us so as a mother I can’t just pack up and leave her. I try and go out at least every 5 weeks but he makes no effort to come back to the uk am I just wasting my time I’m 43 I just feel like I’m wasting my years waiting for him I know no one that’s been in this situation

Has he got one of these golden visas? Low tax, leases to permanent residency / citizenship? If so, that’s a temporary blip. Or at least, you know the time frame.

Your daughter must finish college this summer and have plans for after that. She is also old enough to be home alone.

Do you rent / own? Who pays the bills in the U.K.?

Short-term this is not insurmountable in itself, unless it’s a symptom of marriage problems. Long-term you clearly need to be together, so a plan to achieve that needs to be made. As ever, this is a communication issue.

Does he want you to move over there ?

Also your daughter is 18 and should be in uni and starting her own life. If there are no other issues in your marriage I’d say you are the issue here.

You could move over and pay for your daughter to visit every few weeks or you go visit her.

Seriously? she already said she she is still in college, which means she has just turned 18. I work with teenagers and pretty sure the majority would feel totally abandoned if their parents left them to go live in another country 🤯
18 maybe legally an adult, but most aren't ready to be fully independent at that age.

Someone who can just up sticks and leave their spouse to move abroad obviously doesn't give a shit. He is showing you this loud and clear op.

Personally I would initiate divorce proceedings and tell him any further communication from now on will be through a solicitor.
But you won't do this. You are going to cling onto the fact that you love him and that means taking any of his bullshit.

You have a choice here op, how about choosing YOU?

Either accept your new part time relationship and make it work on your terms or walk away. He’s doing exactly what he wants you need to do the same. Do you want to be married but just meet for holidays or do you want to separate?

The marriage is over if he makes this kind of decision. He is showing you who he is and how he feels about you OP.
Sadly you need to let him go . Your priority needs to be your children.

Yes seriously. People coddling their kids and continuing to support them in every aspect of their lives is not healthy. Leads to clingy anxious unprepared adults not ready to manage in the world.

She is 18 and can be set up in her own accommodation and start to take care of herself. Mom and dad should be nurturing that her independence. Teaching her how to be an adult. They are doing her a disservice by not doing so.

If she’s still mentally unprepared for adulthood then why is she making the choices for adults. Doesn’t work that way.

It wasn’t suggested that she’s dumped out in the cold with no instructions.

My niece is at uni. She finishes in May and isn’t back until September. She’s also home for 3 weeks at Christmas and Easter plus the odd weekend. Where do you propose she lives in that time?
She might need to come home for a bit after uni, lots do.

This girl is 18, she’s still learning and developing and still needs her mum and it would be massively selfish to fuck off and leave her here. Especially for a man who clearly doesn’t give a shit enough to even live in the same country as his wife!

So you think it’s a good idea to send a message out to an 18 year old young adult that their mum leaving them to their own devices while they move abroad to chase a bloke who has shown quite clearly he’s really not interested in her wants and needs and it’s all about him?

Yep what a great example to show your daughters that pandering to a penis is a higher priority than them.

That’s her husband. Not just “some bloke” and her daughter is an adult that needs to start flying the nest.

Your parenting style is why we have generations of young people with too much anxiety to talk to people in the phone at work or get upset by life’s little set backs.

You will never see it that way of course :)

In most of Europe parental responsibilty is until economic independance or until 24.

Most young adults in further education live at home. At least 1/3 of the year.
Times have changed.

And your patenting style of chasing men who treat you with contempt and prioritising them over your own DC is why we have so many young women ending up in abusive controlling relationships because the message their mothers have given them is that men are more important. You’re not teaching them independence, you’re showing them that they’re not your priority when there’s a bloke to be pandered to.

But you’ll never see it that way will you?

When he said he was thinking of doing it, how did he phrase it? Was it more 'I'd really like to take this chance but I'll understand if you don't want me to, but if I do take it, here are my plans for how I see our life together going forward....'?

Or was it 'I'm moving to Portugal. You can come if you want or stay here, I'm not really bothered either way.'

Because the way he approached things would be key.

Honestly OP at 18 your child is either a child which means you tell them what to do; or an adult in which case they get to decide to stay but you get to go!
Both can't be true

Has he met someone else in Portugal? I think the marriage is over, how on earth can you sustain a marriage in different countries when he had no real need to go there and why Portugal ?

Young person who still needs support.

Op please ignore any posters who suggest you should put your partner ahead of your children.

Anyone who thinks an 18 year old is old enough to be left to their own devices either hasn't parented an 18 year old, has done so badly, or has been very lucky!

It doesn’t sound like either of you are communicating very well - or you just aren’t communicating the situation well on here.

Cant the 18 year old remain in the family home while you pay the bills and provide some money for food? Im guessing that you won’t be financially worse off if you’re paying for 2 homes already? And 18 year old is perfectly capable of living alone ( and would perhaps welcome it!)

your husband isn’t returning for visa reasons - not because he doesn’t want to see you. Have you discussed how he feels about it?

what is the long term plan?

How are the finances working out?

is he contributing anything to the marital home he has left, or has he just upped and left you with all the bills? Is there a mortgage, owned outright or renting?

can you afford to pay the bills on your own? Who pays the costs of your visiting him?

answers would be very different if he is still covering his share and covering your costs to visit him.

I know someone who's husband is moving abroad leaving two pretty young kids and his wife, promising to be back ir a week or so twice a year, with them going over there once or twice a year. I'm absolutely baffled by the whole thing, for me it feels like a separation packaged under a name which feels more palatable. Even if you could leave your spouse, I cannot fathom leaving you children in their most formative years for an undisclosed period of time. I have absolutely no wisdom to impart to you op, other than the fact I cannot see how this arrangement can work in the long run.

Do you have much joint money like property etc

It’s like he’s left you but the penny hasn’t dropped for you yet.

I’d leave him to it. He knows where you are.