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Original poster

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

48 replies

pa3311 · 09/04/2025 08:42

So a very long story short.. my P was living with his ex for a long period of time when we was seeing each other even though they was separated he struggled to leave, if he moved in with me, as he would be homeless if anything went wrong in our relationship. Basically he only moved in because I found out that I was pregnant. Skipping to now, it's been just over a year and I feel like I'm living with a lodger. As soon as he comes in from work he's just laying on the sofa on his phone, barley plays with DC and if he does its roughly 10/15mins. I do everything in the house and the only thing I ask him to do on a regular is to wash the pots, and he moans when he does them which infuriates me he's never done anything to help with DC, never bathed him, only changed him when I've had to tell him too. Another thing is he has no interest in my day or DC day for example I took DC to the farm last week and at the night time we sat together and I said 'oh look at these photos/videos from today' got my phone out and he got his phone out to show me some other things starting talking about different things then walked out. Now still he hasn't bothered to ask to see the pictures. So if we do actually talk it's something he's interested in, if we watch a film he has to pick it or a series. There is so many other things but I just don't have the time to type them out. Also our sex life is exactly the same (I have a high sex drive) but there is no way we would do it if I wanted too, I have to wait until he wants too. There have been times when it's been about 3 weeks with nothing, we don't cuddle or kiss when we sit down together and the only time we do is if he wants sex. To all of these things adding up in my head i feel like I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I feel like I'm stuck now because all that pops into my head is him saying 'ill be homeless is we don't work out' but I feel like I have tried to convince myself that this is how a couple should be but I feel like we're strangers in the same house.

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 09/04/2025 08:57

It’s not how a couple should be and I agree, when you read it over I think that probably feels clear to you. I’m sorry - that’s really tough to realise with a new baby. Please don’t feel guilty about him being homeless. First of all, he is screwing this up, taking advantage and not making the slightest effort to be a good partner or father. He’s responsible for that and the results it gets him. Second, it’s not your (or his ex’s) job to put a roof over his head. That’s his job. There is no reason for him to be homeless - he simply needs to take action and not be useless in order to secure lodging. If he doesn’t that’s on him…. But more than likely he’ll just go exploit someone else.

the sex issue is the only one that is reasonable - people have different drives and that needs to be worked through and it sounds like you are not compatible. The rest makes it obvious he’s a rubbish partner and father. Sorry.

TwistedWonder · 09/04/2025 10:38

Another day another thread another cocklodger.

Dating a man still living with his ex is always a very very very bad idea - and getting pregnant while he’s still living with her just has disaster written all over it as you’ve found out

Hes a useless inadequate user - him being homeless isn’t your issue. He’s a grown up ffs. Does he contribute financially or is that something he can’t be arsed with either?

DaisyChain505 · 09/04/2025 10:42

Well where to start?

You got pregnant by a man who was still living with his partner at the time. You hadn’t started the relationship properly and got to know him, dated and then lived together to see if you were properly compatible and if having a child together would work.

He’s shown you who he really is, it’s your decision what you’re going to do with that information.

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 10:45

@TwistedWonderi don't think he would if I didn't ask him too

OP posts:
Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 10:48

@DaisyChain505it was such a bad idea I agree, I caught whilst being on contraception but I would never change DC for the world. Probably the only good that has come from him

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2025 10:50

Well, end the relationship.

He's an employed, grown adult man, he'll just have to find a house-share or bedsit if he can't afford a place on his own.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/04/2025 10:54

pa3311 · 09/04/2025 08:42

So a very long story short.. my P was living with his ex for a long period of time when we was seeing each other even though they was separated he struggled to leave, if he moved in with me, as he would be homeless if anything went wrong in our relationship. Basically he only moved in because I found out that I was pregnant. Skipping to now, it's been just over a year and I feel like I'm living with a lodger. As soon as he comes in from work he's just laying on the sofa on his phone, barley plays with DC and if he does its roughly 10/15mins. I do everything in the house and the only thing I ask him to do on a regular is to wash the pots, and he moans when he does them which infuriates me he's never done anything to help with DC, never bathed him, only changed him when I've had to tell him too. Another thing is he has no interest in my day or DC day for example I took DC to the farm last week and at the night time we sat together and I said 'oh look at these photos/videos from today' got my phone out and he got his phone out to show me some other things starting talking about different things then walked out. Now still he hasn't bothered to ask to see the pictures. So if we do actually talk it's something he's interested in, if we watch a film he has to pick it or a series. There is so many other things but I just don't have the time to type them out. Also our sex life is exactly the same (I have a high sex drive) but there is no way we would do it if I wanted too, I have to wait until he wants too. There have been times when it's been about 3 weeks with nothing, we don't cuddle or kiss when we sit down together and the only time we do is if he wants sex. To all of these things adding up in my head i feel like I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I feel like I'm stuck now because all that pops into my head is him saying 'ill be homeless is we don't work out' but I feel like I have tried to convince myself that this is how a couple should be but I feel like we're strangers in the same house.

He is lazy lazy lazy . Too lazy to want sex too lazy to find himself a home so stayed with his ex ( she was t probably so glad you tooke him ) too lazy to care about his child or do anything with them .
Don’t waste ant ore time life is short.
Tell him he has a months notice. .Dont get stuck in a situation like his ex did. .
And don’t fall for any rubbish he will
change ( he won’t )

Hillrunning · 09/04/2025 10:55

No, this isn't what relationships are supposed to be. He's a grown man, of he hadn't known you when he split woth this ex, he would have done what all other adults do in a breakup, find himself some accommodation. He will only be homeless if he chooses to be. Break up with him.

ShruggedHugely · 09/04/2025 10:56

Bluntly, you chose a dud, OP. You're only living together because you got pregnant when he was living with his ex. I would discount him from your future life and move ahead solo.

Andthispointstowhatexactly77 · 09/04/2025 11:32

Congratulations on your baby op🌷

Argh op! Are you and your dp very young?

Of course this is his fault for being a useless , selfish, immature snivel of a man but you have to take some responsibility here!

My heart sank as I read your op. So many questions!

Why were you willing to get involved with someone before they had separated completely from their previous partner, for your own sake I mean? Boundary issue one.

Why are you willing to accept his potential homelessness as your responsibility? Would he do the same for you? Boundary issue number two!

Why are you giving away your power and autonomy to this man and allowing his choices to dominate in the home? Boundary issue three. Time to reclaim it!

So glad to see that you are now drawing a boundary around how he treats you and your baby and how little he contributes to the household.

A boundary btw, is nothing to do with the other person. It’s about you unilaterally setting a standard about what is acceptable to you or not. Later on, if you separate and he is safe to look after your baby, he will be forced to do some child care whether he likes it or not. And do his own washing up!

I don’t mean to sound harsh, I just feel frustrated for you, that this bloke will always be in your life now until your baby is an adult. He sounds so awful and you and your little one deserve better. He doesn’t have to live with you though!

It’s really positive that you have reached out on here and of course you don’t need his permission to split from him and ask him to leave . His accommodation is his responsibility and no one else’s. Don’t let him put that on you! You lived without him before and you can do it again . You are doing all of the hard work anyway. You could invite a responsible female lodger with a baby to live with you and you could share baby sitting responsibilities.

Call on male family members, friends or colleagues to calmly “persuade” him to move out if he proves reluctant. Hope you have some rl support.

Be strong op! You know what you have to do! 💪. Don’t take any notice of his words, just his actions!

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 12:49

@Andthispointstowhatexactly77 so I'm early 30's he's late 40's I don't really want to put exactly as I don't know who could come on here.

  1. At first it was all fun then feelings got involved, and like I said on my previous post he was scared of being homeless.
  2. Because it's the main reason why he didn't want to leave the house and It would be the first thing he says if I bring anything up about my feelings. He wouldn't do the same for me at all.
  3. To be honest it's very rare I open my mouth about anything because I know he would go mental and turn it around
OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/04/2025 12:56

He’s pushing 50 and he’ll be homeless if he wasn’t a cocklodger at yours??? Seriously he’s a lazy useless freeloading tosser. Has he never heard of renting like most other people who leave a marriage?

As the commonly used phrase goes - no one falls in love so quick as a man who needs a roof over his head

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 13:07

He was living with another woman and supposedly the only reason he moved in with you was because you were pregnant? He lays around doing nothing?

What did you expect? He's been there over a year. He's not a partner or a parent, he's just a middle aged lazy loser who expects you to do everything. He'd not going to change.

Is this gem working and contributing financially? Time to evict someone who brings nothing to your life.

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 13:15

@outerspacepotato I hoped me falling pregnant wasn't just the reason and he actually wanted to be woth me but I do believe it is as we don't really talk, he does work and only contributes when I ask him

OP posts:
soarklyknobs · 09/04/2025 13:15

So you understand why it didn’t work out with his previous partner.

Finish it with him and do not let him remain living in your house while he finds himself a new GF to move in with (& impregnate).

He needs to step up as a father and as an adult, let him pay for his own accommodation, bills, food etc AND do some parenting in his own place.

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 13:21

@soarklyknobsthis is what I'm thinking now, is this how it was with his previous partner and that's why it broke down

OP posts:
ginasevern · 09/04/2025 13:26

I expect his ex chucked him out. He only came to live with you because you're cheap board and lodging and a soft touch - not because you were pregnant. I'm concerned that you say he "goes mental". You really need to get this middle aged, useless dosser out of your life OP, before you waste too many more years on him. He isn't the sort of person to be around your child either - please think about that. You are not in a relationship, you've simply got a good for nothing sponger on your hands who only cares about himself. He'd throw you and your child under a bus to save his own skin.

Justcallmebebes · 09/04/2025 13:28

TwistedWonder · 09/04/2025 12:56

He’s pushing 50 and he’ll be homeless if he wasn’t a cocklodger at yours??? Seriously he’s a lazy useless freeloading tosser. Has he never heard of renting like most other people who leave a marriage?

As the commonly used phrase goes - no one falls in love so quick as a man who needs a roof over his head

Edited

This. A grown man, approaching his 50's relying on women to house him? Just no. Who cares if he's homeless, why is this your problem?

He's also a lazy fucker to boot. Give him a week's notice and chuck him out

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 13:36

@ginasevern I know for certain that she didn't chuck him out because he still pays the mortgage. It's so hard to even bring it up in conversation as I've kept it in so long and I know he's going to throw the whole homeless thing in my face

OP posts:
ginasevern · 09/04/2025 13:55

pa3311 · 09/04/2025 13:36

@ginasevern I know for certain that she didn't chuck him out because he still pays the mortgage. It's so hard to even bring it up in conversation as I've kept it in so long and I know he's going to throw the whole homeless thing in my face

So you're not only supporting him but basically his ex as well! OP, please put yourself and your child first. You know this isn't going to end well don't you? You'll be trapped with a nasty old man who doesn't give a toss about you or your child. You'll be too worn down by then to change things. Stop caring about whether this complete piece of shit is homeless. Are you afraid of him OP?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/04/2025 13:56

If he's still paying the mortgage then he can go back and live with his ex.
The only thing this male is worried about is what woman will put up with him and keep him housed.
He actively avoids his own child op and complains about doing a very small amount of household work.
He is a child looking for a mummy to look after him forever and ever.

Get rid and move on.

Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 14:00

@ginasevernhe's paying her mortgage, I'm the sort of person like a champagne bottle and I will just pop and say all my problems at once but I don't think I should hence coming on here to get people's views. I'm not afraid of him it's more of i can't deal with how he acts over little things and this wouldn't be something little so i don't know how he will be if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
pa3311 · 09/04/2025 14:02

@TomatoSandwichesThat is how i feel with him likenim looking after him not being partners and working as a pair to do things

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 14:05

You've got to look at what it is. Think about what you really want for your life.

If he is still paying her mortgage he has a place to go. You are subsidizing his other woman's home.

gamerchick · 09/04/2025 14:09

Now you know why his ex struggled to get rid of him. She would have been doing handstands. I know I was when my ex let go.

Tell him to leave,.start the ball rolling l, he needs to find someone else to take him on and it might take a while.