Am I wrong for feeling like this?

[pa3311]

So a very long story short.. my P was living with his ex for a long period of time when we was seeing each other even though they was separated he struggled to leave, if he moved in with me, as he would be homeless if anything went wrong in our relationship. Basically he only moved in because I found out that I was pregnant. Skipping to now, it's been just over a year and I feel like I'm living with a lodger. As soon as he comes in from work he's just laying on the sofa on his phone, barley plays with DC and if he does its roughly 10/15mins. I do everything in the house and the only thing I ask him to do on a regular is to wash the pots, and he moans when he does them which infuriates me he's never done anything to help with DC, never bathed him, only changed him when I've had to tell him too. Another thing is he has no interest in my day or DC day for example I took DC to the farm last week and at the night time we sat together and I said 'oh look at these photos/videos from today' got my phone out and he got his phone out to show me some other things starting talking about different things then walked out. Now still he hasn't bothered to ask to see the pictures. So if we do actually talk it's something he's interested in, if we watch a film he has to pick it or a series. There is so many other things but I just don't have the time to type them out. Also our sex life is exactly the same (I have a high sex drive) but there is no way we would do it if I wanted too, I have to wait until he wants too. There have been times when it's been about 3 weeks with nothing, we don't cuddle or kiss when we sit down together and the only time we do is if he wants sex. To all of these things adding up in my head i feel like I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I feel like I'm stuck now because all that pops into my head is him saying 'ill be homeless is we don't work out' but I feel like I have tried to convince myself that this is how a couple should be but I feel like we're strangers in the same house.

Again OP him being homeless isn’t your problem. You’re not a homeless charity to rehabilitate a useless man - he’s nearly 50 ffs let him sort his own life out.

You and your child come first - let him move back into the house he’s paying the mortgage on if he’s got nowhere else to go.

Crikey op! I thought you were going to say that he was in his early to mid twenties.

Why is he still paying the mortgage on the other house when he doesn’t live there any longer? Does he have dc with his ex? If that’s the case, then that’s a point in his favour I guess but why did you agree to taking on full financial responsibility for your place? Are you working?

I don’t like the sound of how he makes it difficult for you to bring things up and turns it back on you. I’m glad that you are not physically afraid of him but it sounds like he is controlling. Have you heard of coercive control?

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6267c429e90e0716982a3250/ContCoerBehavStatGuid_V3-10-04-22.pdf

Anyway, this situation can be resolved by keeping silent, getting everything planned ahead, and friends or family by your side, and presenting the change of plan to him as a fait accompli, that’s it’s all decided and you want him to move out, don’t give him the opportunity to discuss it.

Do you have family or friends who could help? He can’t force you to keep living with him.

I don't think the OP is going to take this advice. OP, if you're still reading. You are talking about being "a couple". You aren't. He's a cocklodger and you're going to be stuck with him. He's nearly 20 years older than you. How's that going to look in 10 years time? Believe me, he ain't gonna improve with age. You'll never get rid of him if you don't take action now. But I think you're still trying to work on a "loving relationship" here when really you are just being used. He's not even trying to fucking well hide it!

What sheer bad luck! falling accidentally pregnant when most contraceptives are 90-99.85% reliable just as your boyfriend was showing no enthusiasm for moving out. How stressful.

However it does seem pretty obvious that he had no interest in being a parent. Nor should you have even considered it when you had never even lived with him . Too much of a rush for what you wanted pa3311 and now you are paying the price for railroading this man into your home and to parenthood.
He's mistake was not to guard his own fertility. But he should pay a high price for that . Make sure you get a CMS claim in !

He won't be "homeless" if he's paying a mortgage on his ex's house. He can move back in or, in the long run, force a sale of the place. He has options.

Or if he doesn't want to do that , he can move into a house-share or bedsit.

He has a job and a mortgage, he doesn't have to be "homeless" unless he chooses to be.

It's not your job to house him.

I don't see how him paying a mortgage on another house he doesn't live in benefits you as a a couple or family unit.

Totally agree with this post. ^^ It’s spot on!

Can you explain why you feel responsible for his housing situation op? He is a grown man! It can only be I think because he has persuaded you to feel this way?

Op, please take some time and get your head around the fact that he has taken advantage of you and behaved in an exploitative way.

It must be beyond devastating, but you need to be strong for your baby now. The sooner you accept the realities of your situation, the sooner you can act. This thread is the first step, Goid luck moving forward and living life on your own terms. 💐

@Andthispointstowhatexactly77he does have dc with his ex but that's another thing, he works alot so most of the time he brings them to me and then goes to work, and when he's back he doesn't communicate with them either. I've never been a sm before and I've tried my hardest to communicate with hem but they ignore me when where at home alone without him. I asked him when he moved in to pay half towards bills and he said yes but its never come to that, I have to ask him.

@ginaseverni do know this but it's so hard to bring anything up

Well there you go.

He's turned out to be useless.

What can you do now?

@Andthispointstowhatexactly77because i feel that I'm kicking him to the curb and I don't think his ex would let him back in the house

@Terrribletwos cry 😂😂

He's playing you for a mug!

I suggest you end this "relationship " and move out!

Oh no op! This gets worse and worse!

I guess this all boils down to you having the confidence in yourself to say no to him and making it clear that you refuse to be treated like this any more. Focus on the actions that will help you do that.

Is lack of confidence holding you back from taking the next step? Maybe go to your gp and tell them you are trying to extract yourself from a controlling relationship? They may be able to refer you to support.

Have no doubt about it, you deserve to be treated better than this op, and your baby deserves to know what good parenting looks like. It will be hard but things will improve when he’s out of your house and you can focus on yourself.

If he pays the mortgage and his name is on the deeds, he'll have the legal right to move back in whether she likes it or not. Unless there's some sort of injunction or legal agreement in place.

@pa3311 wow come on op!
He doesn’t pay for his half of bills . So he can’t be paying for his chile either. .he doesn’t look after the baby and gets you to do childcare for his other kids. While paying his exes mortgage .
Well I know where is tell him to go .
Why don’t you pack up his bags and tell him they are at the front door and it’s over.

Your going to have to if you can’t bring yourself to give him say a months notice .
He's an embarrassing lazy using joke.

Well, your life's going to be a bloody site harder if you don't. We all have to deal with unpleasant situations in this world and I would've thought your sense of self preservation would kick in. You're actually putting this toss pot above your own child's happiness. But crack on my lovely.

So you’re a nanny with a fanny to this cocklodger as well??? JFC - wake up and see what’s in front of your eyes! He’s a user, a scrounger, a freeloader, a useless lazy inadequate tosser old enough up be your father and you’re bending yourself into a pretzel to facilitate him. He really saw you coming didn’t he?

And how’s that your problem?

That's not your problem. He's your problem. Get rid of him. He can see still your DC - though I doubt he'll make much of an effort on all this evidence - but the last thing you need is a lazy old skint arsehole making your life harder. He's a working man of almost 50 and he will not be homeless. If all else fails, he'll likely find another younger woman to bewitch enough to get his feet under the table. Ugh.

Bag up his stuff.
Put bags outside.
Change barrels on your locks.
Give your head a really good wobble.
Raise your standards.

@TwistedWonder I suppose it's because i would be the one making him homeless

No he’s making himself homeless. He’s chosen not to find his own place and just cocklodger with women rather than act like a grown up. If you hadn’t let him move in with you then he’d have had to find a place to live.

Give him a months notice if it makes you feel better but stick to it. If you feel guilty because of his decision making you’ll live your life tying yourself in knots to please a man.

It’s probably just as well that you don’t have much sex given the shit show you have brought your joint child into. What a mess, you need to start making sensible decisions and not just ‘find’ yourself pregnant with another child he’s no interest in.