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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother is in an abusive and toxic relationship with new wife

41 replies

deepwaterswimming · 08/04/2025 10:57

I'm really worried about my brother who left his long term marriage for a young Filipino woman. Needless to say, he was blown away by excitement at the beginning of the relationship but she immediately got pregnant and insisted she wanted to move to the UK.
My brother is a very weak and gentle soul and it seems as if his new wife (they married for her visa) is now completely controlling him. He hardly sees his children from his first marriage, he works longs hours (she does nothing and the child is as school) and he's an alcoholic now.
The new wife flies off the handle and is ridiculously jealous of the first wife who is successful and totally has her life together.
I think my brother is too controlled to leave the marriage and he also wouldn't want to be seen to have failed again.
Any advice? We never get alone time to talk to him but he looks like the most miserable person on earth these days. It's so sad to see. He's 58.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2025 11:02

You never get time alone but know he’s an alcoholic in an abusive and toxic relationship?

His life, his choice. If he wanted to see his older children, he would. Are you assuming his successful, former wife will take him back?

I wouldn’t, if I were her.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2025 11:03

He's made his choices. He's an active participant in his life, making autonomous adult decisions which led to this result. No sympathy here

Treeleaf11 · 08/04/2025 11:05

Not much sympathy from me either. Left his wife and children for a much younger woman. He made his choice

FvhgvgghhNC · 08/04/2025 11:05

If you never get alone time with him how can you possibly know all of these things?
If he could leave his first “together” wife for another woman he is more than capable of exiting his second marriage.

FvhgvgghhNC · 08/04/2025 11:08

And just to add, gentle souls don’t leave their wives high and dry for a younger woman!
I think you are completely blind to what sort of man your brother is.

GCAcademic · 08/04/2025 11:08

I don't think there's much you can do other than leave him to the consequences of his own actions. It's not like he just made a mistake. Choosing to cheat on and leave your wife and children for sex with another woman is a conscious decision made over a period of time.

Tbrh · 08/04/2025 11:10

FvhgvgghhNC · 08/04/2025 11:08

And just to add, gentle souls don’t leave their wives high and dry for a younger woman!
I think you are completely blind to what sort of man your brother is.

This 🤣

maltravers · 08/04/2025 11:13

I would meet him for lunch at his work place (ring him at work to arrange it, suggest he does not mention it to his new wife) and then talk to him. He’s made some bad choices by the sound of it, but I would not be able to just leave a sibling to his fate without some attempt at helping.

Original poster
deepwaterswimming · 08/04/2025 11:18

He's told our mother he's struggling with alcohol and at family events he's always pissed.
I do see him. Just never on my own.
Yes, he's made his bed and I guess he should lie in it.

OP posts:
Daffodilsarefading · 08/04/2025 11:20

Did this much younger woman hold a gun to his head and make him have unprotected sex with her?
Leave him to it. How on earth can you be surprised that a much younger, foreign woman has married someone else’s cast off, for the purpose of gaining entry into the UK? Really? It’s common practice.

Maitri108 · 08/04/2025 11:21

deepwaterswimming · 08/04/2025 11:18

He's told our mother he's struggling with alcohol and at family events he's always pissed.
I do see him. Just never on my own.
Yes, he's made his bed and I guess he should lie in it.

He can contact the Men's Advice Line for advice. He needs to see his GP regarding the drinking and get support to stop.

This is the UK and we have no fault divorce. He has a full time job and can support himself should he choose to leave. He can try to get primary residence for his child if his wife is abusive. He needs to see a family law solicitor.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2025 11:21

deepwaterswimming · 08/04/2025 11:18

He's told our mother he's struggling with alcohol and at family events he's always pissed.
I do see him. Just never on my own.
Yes, he's made his bed and I guess he should lie in it.

Yep.

ChubbyMorticia · 08/04/2025 11:26

My guess is that it’s easier to blame the new wife than look at who your brother really is - for him and your family.

He had an affair, blew up his first marriage, married his mistress and is now miserable.

The new wife isn’t to blame for his choices, and doing so doesn’t help your brother at all. Makes me wonder how his ex was viewed by everyone. Guessing he blamed her for all the problems too.

thebrollachan · 08/04/2025 11:28

Your brother's a blatant drunk, and this means, therefore, that his wife is abusing him?

Right 🙄

RealEagle · 08/04/2025 11:53

So he thought he was cool getting a young Filipino wife.Hes made his bed.

Psychoticbreak · 08/04/2025 11:59

The reason she potentially does not work is she may not have a visa or permit to work and the reason she gets angry could be because of his alcoholism and the fact he may rub the ex wife in her face. I mean none of us know but honestly do not feel sorry for a man who left his family for a younger model and now regrets it. He is an adult, we all have choices in life to make. He made his and now he has to deal with it.

ParsnipPuree · 08/04/2025 12:07

FvhgvgghhNC · 08/04/2025 11:08

And just to add, gentle souls don’t leave their wives high and dry for a younger woman!
I think you are completely blind to what sort of man your brother is.

Couldn’t have put it better.

Buttonsbuttons · 08/04/2025 12:41

@deepwaterswimming

You care about your brother, that's understandable. But I'd save the support and sympathy for the kids he left behind to pursue his affair. A gentle soul doesn't abandon his own children to run off with another woman.Think of how much pain he has caused those kids. His actions will cast a long shadow over their lives.

Its very easy to blame the new wife for the horrible choices your brother made but it's just not true. He is chosing his own situation right now.

Your brother is a weak and selfish man who has now created another child who will be impacted by his choices.

When are you going to stop pandering to him and face up to the reality of the situation?

If you want to help him, stay in contact with the children from his first marriage and let them know their dad's family does care about them.Try to undo some of the damage he's caused.

1983Louise · 08/04/2025 12:53

No fool like an old fool, you reap what you sow..........

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 12:54

Right. So he selfishly abandoned his kids and his first wife to get his dick wet. His ex is clearly happier and thriving that he’s left. Good for her. Our life is a result of choices. He won’t be the first man to be absolutely gutted he threw away a lovely life and family, due to his own selfishness, he’ll join the thousands of others.

AliceMcK · 08/04/2025 12:59

So he’s realised the grass isn’t always greener, he cheated, abandoned his wife and children for a younger model who knew exactly what she was doing to get the visa she wanted, he’s now realised he’s fucked up and drowning his sorrows in a bottle. I have no sympathy for him, but as his sister I understand you do and even though I’d have no problem telling my own brothers they have behaved like dicks dose not mean I wouldn’t be there for them and help them if necessary.

Maybe try arranging a one on one catch up, tell him your feelings and offer to help him if he needs it. You can’t do any more than that.

Westfacing · 08/04/2025 13:01

It's understandable that you're concerned for him as your brother but he's an adult of 58 and I really don't know how you can help, other than to encourage him to get his drinking habits in order so he can sort out his life.

And the wife is not that 'new' if their child is already at school - I bet she sees things very differently... along the lines of how crap her life is with this gentle old fart who promised so much.

I can almost hear a collective 'ha bloody ha' from most Mumsnetters!

Naunet · 08/04/2025 13:15

but she immediately got pregnant

She did that all on her own, did she? 🤨

ReesesCupcake · 08/04/2025 13:20

She didn’t get herself pregnant here, he didn’t force her to marry him either.

You are completely biased as he is your brother, and maybe he comes to you telling his tales of woe for sympathy.

The guy sounds like he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, such as not seeing his kids, leaving his wife for a young woman and being an alcoholic. If you and the rest of the family are blaming her, you aren’t much better!

To be honest, most men that do this, do so to take advantage of a poor desperate woman wanting a better life. Perhaps he is disappointed she isn’t some subservient pushover.

MissDoubleU · 08/04/2025 13:20

58 year old man suddenly leaves his wife and all but abandons his existing children to impregnate a much younger get woman.

And now he’s sad about his choices? Boohoo. I imagine he is. How do you all think his existing children have felt all this time? Probably that their dad can’t give much a shit about them if he can’t tell his new wife “No.”
A simple: “These are my children and they are important to me. I will be seeing them.”

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