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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you saw the OW...

40 replies

Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 05:15

...what would you do?

Would you ignore or would you try to have a chat?

Matter of months since you found out about her. You're trying to work on your relationship.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 08/04/2025 05:18

Do nothing, it would have been my husband who cheated on me if I was going to accept it at all that is, otherwise he would be a soon to be ex husband

LePetitMaman · 08/04/2025 05:50

Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 05:15

...what would you do?

Would you ignore or would you try to have a chat?

Matter of months since you found out about her. You're trying to work on your relationship.

Totally depends on situation.

If I thought she was genuinely oblivious to my existence and my "d"H had convinced her he was single, then maybe, for answers.

If she knew she was having sex with someone else's partner, then she's trash and nothing that comes out of her mouth is worth heading.

butterflycr · 08/04/2025 05:56

Why would you try to have a chat? What is there to talk about? Do you know each other from other settings or only through this horrible situation?

If the latter, I'd just ignore. It's not going to go anywhere good or helpful.

JamNittyGritty · 08/04/2025 06:05

Happened to me,

OW was a one drunken night thing not an affair, apparently not sex but I never really knew that for sure. She was part of his wider friendship group so not someone seen frequently and she didn’t know he was with me (early days of our relationship).

I found out a few months after, we were in a good place and I decided to work on it. A few weeks after that we went on a night out she was at. I went up to her, introduced myself, and said that I just wanted to let her know I had no issue with her at all and she was not at fault.

Had she known he was in a relationship I might not have spoken to her but wouldn’t have blamed her either - because it was him that cheated and him that had a responsibility to me.

Elunajeya · 08/04/2025 06:08

What on earth would you have a chat to her about?

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 08/04/2025 07:03

You sound like you still have some work to do and that's OK. The healthiest response to coming across the other woman is nothing.

No chit chat, no need to prove anything, no need to be performatively a bigger person, just.....nothing.

It's understandable if you're not there yet though. A matter of months is still very early days.

In time, your relationship (should you both choose to work on it), could be in a better place where the OW is just some distant abstract thing who isn't important enough to even think about let alone plan how to talk to.

2JFDIYOLO · 08/04/2025 07:35

Is there the possibility you might snap if you saw her and do something rash? An EastEnders type public showdown, even thump her? You'd then be in a pile of trouble yourself.

And if you've decided to risk believing he's changed and will never do it again and want to make a go of it, that could result in him siding with her anyway.

EleanorRigby2U · 08/04/2025 08:24

You’ve chosen to forgive him, the person who betrayed your trust and let you down and took you for granted. If you can work through things with him it seems hypocritical to do anything other than just walk past the ow. She isn’t the one who hurt you

Ryah76 · 08/04/2025 08:44

Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time

2JFDIYOLO · 08/04/2025 08:48

I think if this is you OP, the person you should be having a chat with - is you.

Some men actively pursue both the outwardly respectable and comfortable domestic life - and the exciting bit on the side. Currently? He's one down and will be looking to fill the vacancy.

He won't change and now he's got away with it he'll be doing it again with a bit more care not to be detected. He's had practice and he'll get better at it.

Eyes open, ear to the ground, stay alert. While you're off having a chat with the old one he's off looking for the new one.

Whether this is hypothetical or not - I think this should be issued to all women whose husbands have lied, cheated and screwed around.

Original poster
Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 08:51

Thanks @JamNittyGritty

Apparently my opinion isn't valid as I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge).

OP posts:
User5274959 · 08/04/2025 08:54

Eh? What do you mean? So were you the OW or were you just asking a hypothetical question?

Caaarrrl · 08/04/2025 09:09

Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 08:51

Thanks @JamNittyGritty

Apparently my opinion isn't valid as I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge).

Well, I'm confused by the thread then! Can you explain, OP?

MagicNL · 08/04/2025 09:14

I would love to tell her she is a lying, cheating scumbag who broke up a family. I’d love to tell her she is a slag. I’d love to tell her I hate her, that she’s ugly, looks like an Oompa Loompa and she’s caught a man who will betray her when he gets bored…

but…in reality…I have done nothing! Listen to so you think you’re mighty podcast. It’s great for a little rant!

I’ve put my family first and at times I’ve got frustrated and angry with my ex but I am sure the best thing to do is just make them both irrelevant. They hate that!

don’t take him back. He won’t change. Xxx

BumbleBeegu · 08/04/2025 09:18

So…you’re the OW??

Original poster
Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 09:41

Caaarrrl · 08/04/2025 09:09

Well, I'm confused by the thread then! Can you explain, OP?

Show quote history

I saw a friend last night.

She asked me what I'd do. I said I'd ignore.

She said she'd have to speak to them.

And if I'd been cheated on, then I'd understand why.

OP posts:
justkeepswimingswiming · 08/04/2025 09:42

Nothing, I’d do nothing as it wouldn’t matter anymore to me. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to stay with a husband or partner that cheated on me.

Caaarrrl · 08/04/2025 10:28

Greatbritish · 08/04/2025 09:41

I saw a friend last night.

She asked me what I'd do. I said I'd ignore.

She said she'd have to speak to them.

And if I'd been cheated on, then I'd understand why.

Show quote history

Oh! That makes sense now. I think she's wrong and that you're entitled to an opinion on things without having experienced them personally.

Onthelinetoday · 08/04/2025 10:39

So you’d forgive the cheating scumbag partner, but want to have a go at this woman.

Your scumbag partner is more likely to be able to tell you “why” than her. She will just believe whatever lies she’s been told.

Ihaveoflate · 08/04/2025 10:40

I see the OW regularly and simply ignore her. She even wrote me a very nasty letter and hand delivered it to my house and I still didn't respond.

Even though I have had many a hypothetical conversation with her in my head, I would never give her the satisfaction of a response. My apparent indifference almost certainly annoys her more than anything I could say or do.

So your friend is wrong to suggest everyone who's been cheated on would want to talk to the OW, but not wrong today that's what she would do. Each to their own.

sadnesscomesagain · 08/04/2025 10:45

Ive bumped into the OW (who he then married) several times in our village. I say 'Hello! How are you?' in the most joyful way. This drives her mad for some reason, which makes me chuckle !! LOL!

Horationor · 08/04/2025 10:59

Ignore, Ignore and again ignore!!
To speak gives her relevance of which she has none.

We unfortunately live near the OW, so i do see her quite often - she was a friend.

She is no longer part of either of our lives, and whilst we did initially think of moving, I won't.

Horationor · 08/04/2025 11:02

justkeepswimingswiming · 08/04/2025 09:42

Nothing, I’d do nothing as it wouldn’t matter anymore to me. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to stay with a husband or partner that cheated on me.

I really hate this type of generalising comment.
I stayed and am by no means stupid.

Until you've been in the situation, you don't actually know what you'd do.

Greenfinch7 · 08/04/2025 11:05

I actually agree that this is one of those things that people who haven't been through it don't understand.

I didn't understand it until it happened to me, and I have had 6 years since D day-- plenty of time to come to terms with my feelings and with other people's reactions.

It's a little bit like the opinions childfree people have on parenting... they might be right, and they might be wise, but they lack a certain basic understanding.

As far as how to react to the OW- obviously people differ in their reactions, and this depends on temperament, also on situation.

OP, if you are interested in supporting your friend, the only advice I can give is to listen and try to let her sort her feelings out. A couple of months is no time at all, and if you care about her, you should realise that she may take years to come to terms with what happened; her complex feelings about the OW are part of that.

ItGhoul · 08/04/2025 12:07

It depends on the circumstances - whether she knew the man was married, whether she had deliberately turned up somewhere that she knew I/we would be etc. But in the vast majority of circumstances I'd just ignore and say nothing.