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Original poster

Stbx wife, affair partner and my children

32 replies

ThisCoralBee · 08/04/2025 00:50

A stbx wife had an affair with another married man last year. She moved out to her own place before the affair came to light. It was discovered by the stbx wife of the affair man. Word got out and every man and dog knew of it. The children (ages 8 & 10) were told two stories. The stbx husband told them the truth in careful child friendly terms (the man and their mum were more than just friends and the reason why their parents were no longer together). The stbx wife told lies and they were just good friends. The affair man then moved into the house the children were living at (half the time) just a month or two later, effectively forcing them to live with him knowing that he causes their mum and dad to separate, whilst being lied to that they were just friends. Roll on many months later they are now suddenly in a relationship and have manipulated the children into normalising it.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? It's pretty crushing as the honest parent seeing the children manipulated and lied to in such a deliberate and self protective manner. Being fairly young, the children have only wanted to please both their parents hence accepting the affair partner.

😔

OP posts:
Sashya · 08/04/2025 01:04

OP - hard as it is - but you need to keep adult relationships away from the kids.
Divorce is hard on them as it is.

But it seems you'd rather the kids were torn and suffered? And chose you and rejected their mother? Or lived with mother hating her new partner - so live in some sort of ongoing conflict and anxiety while at mother's place?

It's been months, as you said. Living in bitterness and hoping that your kids will pick a side in divorce is not healthy - not for you, not for the kids.

Yes - it's a crappy situation. But you still need to move on and live your life.

AKASammyScrounge · 08/04/2025 01:14

Children aren't daft. They know more than you think or if they don't know now, they will soon.
.They won't want to rock the.boat in case either parent leaves them permanently. The lying parent will be despised. They will know you are trustworthy.

jsku · 08/04/2025 02:21

Why would anyone wish the children despised their parent. And grow up damaged more than necessary.

Affairs - happen. Relationships break down. Adults need to move on and not drag kids into their moral judgements.
If/when partner cheats on their spouse - iy doesn't automatically make them a bad parent.

I have friends where the ‘despising’ you all wish for is happening and is the current status quo. And the poor kid that is hating their father is the one suffering. The mother is moving on; the father is in new relationship - and the kid is stuck.
Is that really what you all wish happens in this situation?

I know the other family where kids are grown ups by now. They went through difficult time when their father left for OW - but did maintain the relationship. And now as grown ups - have their Dad in their lives. Not as close
to him as their Mom, but still.

No one plans a divorce, or an affair. But whatever happens is between the adults.

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 08:45

A similar thing happened to me. Exh had an affair with my best friend. Kids were all good friends, in the same classes at school and played for the same football team. Naturally in a small town it was the best gossip ever and dd2, then 8, found out before I did.
Exh tried to lie and say they were just friends but the kids didn’t buy it even then. I was very upset and the kids knew that more than they should have done for the first week or so. I didn’t tell them why but they knew I was sad and I’m sure put two and two together.
since then I explained it to them by saying Dad made some choices, but they were about him and not you-he still loves you and he’s still a good dad to you. And we are both still your equal parents. Me and the woman involved will probably not be friends again but if you want to have a relationship with her and you like her then that’s great.
As you can imagine I didnt like exh for a very long time. But we still co parented very effectively . We had Christmas together for the next four years and we never let the kids play one off against the other or made decisions without one another. It has worked well. The children don’t especially like his girlfriend. But that’s more due to how she is, and how he is when he’s with her I would say, though I’m sure there was some confirmation bias there at first. I see that has being their problem tbh, their behaviour caused it, they need to own it. I’ve been as neutral and positive as I was able to be.
Behind the scenes I found it bloody hard. It messed me up for years really mentally. Oddly more her betrayal than his-he had form-but she was my good friend. Couldn’t get my head round it. Had a lot of therapy which I recommend but the only thing that really helped was time. I felt much better around the 5 year mark - and now I’m happily remarried. And the children are fine and doing well in their late teens/early 20’s.

I think at this point a neutralised version of the truth is what will serve you best. But do not let the kids see you become bitter or try to use them as weapons as so many people do. That’s what messes them up.

You have my sympathy op. It’s so so a hard seeing the people that have hurt you swan off seemingly quite happily when you are wrecked. But you can bet your house they aren’t as happy as they make out and in time it won’t matter to you, because if you crack on and do the best to be happy in your own life you won’t care what they are up to in the end. But as I said, it takes time.

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 08:47

I can’t see anywhere in the op that it says she wants the kids to hate anyone? I think she is just struggling with the unfairness of it all. Which is a normal human reaction.

Holdonforsummer · 08/04/2025 08:52

I am sorry for your situation but I think you need to find another outlet for your anger and disappointment. The children’s mental health is the most important thing and if that means they receive a sanitised version of the truth right now, so be it. Have you tried counselling?

Anonym00se · 08/04/2025 08:53

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar position when ExH had an affair. I must say, it would never in a million years occur to me to tell our then young DCs the real reason he had gone. No matter how angry and heartbroken I was, it would have crushed them and made them feel that the OW was more important. Even though she was indeed more important, I wanted to protect them from that pain.

It is extremely emotionally abusive to put your feelings onto your children. Please try and move forward and put your DC’s feelings before your own.

Curlycurio · 08/04/2025 08:57

Anonym00se · 08/04/2025 08:53

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar position when ExH had an affair. I must say, it would never in a million years occur to me to tell our then young DCs the real reason he had gone. No matter how angry and heartbroken I was, it would have crushed them and made them feel that the OW was more important. Even though she was indeed more important, I wanted to protect them from that pain.

It is extremely emotionally abusive to put your feelings onto your children. Please try and move forward and put your DC’s feelings before your own.

I don't know how you've concluded that OP has put their feelings on their children?

I think it's reasonable concern that it would be confusing to children to hear two different stories, then very quickly have mum move in a man she had told them was just her friend.

I think the best thing to do is to keep things as normal and can be at the other household.

itsgettingweird · 08/04/2025 08:59

Yes that’s tough.

But my focus would be on whether this man treats your children well or not.

Right now how they got together is irrelevant if it’s likely he will become step father to them officially at some point (he’s effectively doing the role now) I’d want to make sure my children were happy.

Lighteningstrikes · 08/04/2025 09:04

A very sad demonstration of how utterly self-centred and shallow ex-wife is that she can (metaphorically) stamp on her own DC’s heads to get what SHE wants.

Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 08/04/2025 14:45

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 08:47

I can’t see anywhere in the op that it says she wants the kids to hate anyone? I think she is just struggling with the unfairness of it all. Which is a normal human reaction.

Absolutely this. When the affair was unconvered, it was spread into the playground by someone else. Rather than my children hearing this potentially from other children or parents, I was left with little option but to tell them the truth, but in as kind a way as possible. I certainly have not tried to cause them to hate the other parent. In fact, I have remained quiet and focused on what is best for them and their well-being. The STBX wife has regularly lied to me and others, one day saying her and the affair partner are just friends, to him moving out by x date (on 3 separate occasions) to them being together etc. I have not talked about any of this with the children and of course have had to sit on it personally. The STBX wife has also used the children to keep secrets and even told them directly to "not tell Daddy" such as at times when being left at home alone with the affair partner, fairly early on. She has normalised lying with them and I've seen this change over time. I continue to remind them that lying is bad and helping them understand the subtle difference between lies, surprises and secrets.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 08/04/2025 15:06

On a separate note, please could I get some views on whether you think it is appropriate that the affair partner is now messaging my children on Snapchat every day. The STBX wife has encouraged this and told the children "he's my friend, so it's ok if you want him to be your friend too".

I think there are certain boundaries and this may cross one of them. It's mainly the encouraging the children that it's OK to have an adult friend on an instant messaging app. My perspective is that children have friends who are children, not grown adult men or women. Maybe I'm being overprotective?

has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 08/04/2025 15:07

Anonym00se · 08/04/2025 08:53

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar position when ExH had an affair. I must say, it would never in a million years occur to me to tell our then young DCs the real reason he had gone. No matter how angry and heartbroken I was, it would have crushed them and made them feel that the OW was more important. Even though she was indeed more important, I wanted to protect them from that pain.

It is extremely emotionally abusive to put your feelings onto your children. Please try and move forward and put your DC’s feelings before your own.

See my comments 2 posts above :)

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 17:13

I’d suggest that’s certainly intrusive. When you get your childcare agreement formalised as part of divorce, it will usually have within it set times for the parent that is not with the children at any given point to call them-and vice Versa. That should include their partner. It just stops either parents time with the children being disturbed too much which is fair enough. Children are usually free to contact their other parent as they like-also fair enough.

Tiswa · 08/04/2025 17:20

Your 8 and 10 year old should not be having Snapchat at all. and certainly not with an adult.

I agree you need clear boundaries but not allow you obvious feelings to necessarily dictate them

Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 09/04/2025 09:11

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 17:13

I’d suggest that’s certainly intrusive. When you get your childcare agreement formalised as part of divorce, it will usually have within it set times for the parent that is not with the children at any given point to call them-and vice Versa. That should include their partner. It just stops either parents time with the children being disturbed too much which is fair enough. Children are usually free to contact their other parent as they like-also fair enough.

Sadly the stbx wife has refused to put in place a childcare/parenting agreement as they think it is not necessary. They also refused to agree to a child focused shared day to day care arrangement that was proposed and based on household circumstances. Both parents are able to do 50% of the time (day and night). The stbx wife has never given any child focused justification for rejecting, apart from once stating they want the children more. I personally don't want to put the children through the court process and currently living with a 9 / 5 night split to the stbx wife....but it is actually a 7 / 7 day time split.

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 10:54

In which case she will do as she pleases. With this sort of individual some sort of formal order will probably needed. I wouldn’t let her set the tone now without one. You have another 10 or so years of this remember. The kids need not be involved. You need mediation first then it goes to court if you can’t agree. My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later as clearly she is a person not afraid to bend truths and take the Mickey.

piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 10:56

Additiobally her reasons for wanting more nights are probably financial. It’s how CSA is worked out-nights spent with either parent not days. Again if you are fine with this then ok-but if not or you think you may not be in future then bear it in mind.

Tiswa · 09/04/2025 11:09

Children aren’t really involved in the process you need go get it formalised

Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 09/04/2025 13:55

piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 10:56

Additiobally her reasons for wanting more nights are probably financial. It’s how CSA is worked out-nights spent with either parent not days. Again if you are fine with this then ok-but if not or you think you may not be in future then bear it in mind.

Yes I think this is the case. Sad that a parent would prioritise money from CSA over what is actually best for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisCoralBee · 09/04/2025 13:56

Tiswa · 09/04/2025 11:09

Children aren’t really involved in the process you need go get it formalised

Aren't they interviewed by cafcass?

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 16:12

not as a rule unless one parent has raised concerns re safety

piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 16:14

And even if they are it’s done unobtrusively-a chat at school for example. Not a big deal at all and not damaging to them. Not as much as having parents at each other all the time because one of them will not be reasonable anyway

Tiswa · 09/04/2025 16:15

piscofrisco · 09/04/2025 16:12

not as a rule unless one parent has raised concerns re safety

Yes unless there are issues no most of it will be done without any need for the children to be involved.

please get it all set out

Gymmum82 · 09/04/2025 16:19

ThisCoralBee · 08/04/2025 15:06

On a separate note, please could I get some views on whether you think it is appropriate that the affair partner is now messaging my children on Snapchat every day. The STBX wife has encouraged this and told the children "he's my friend, so it's ok if you want him to be your friend too".

I think there are certain boundaries and this may cross one of them. It's mainly the encouraging the children that it's OK to have an adult friend on an instant messaging app. My perspective is that children have friends who are children, not grown adult men or women. Maybe I'm being overprotective?

has anyone else experienced this?

Why on earth would you allow 8 and 10 year old children to have Snapchat? Or indeed a mobile phone at all. Far far too young