Stbx wife, affair partner and my children

[ThisCoralBee]

A stbx wife had an affair with another married man last year. She moved out to her own place before the affair came to light. It was discovered by the stbx wife of the affair man. Word got out and every man and dog knew of it. The children (ages 8 & 10) were told two stories. The stbx husband told them the truth in careful child friendly terms (the man and their mum were more than just friends and the reason why their parents were no longer together). The stbx wife told lies and they were just good friends. The affair man then moved into the house the children were living at (half the time) just a month or two later, effectively forcing them to live with him knowing that he causes their mum and dad to separate, whilst being lied to that they were just friends. Roll on many months later they are now suddenly in a relationship and have manipulated the children into normalising it.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? It's pretty crushing as the honest parent seeing the children manipulated and lied to in such a deliberate and self protective manner. Being fairly young, the children have only wanted to please both their parents hence accepting the affair partner.

😔

Again, split parenting has made this very hard when stbx mum allowed it. There are a family controls on the phone and app in place and monitored very closely.

I don’t really see what your issue is, I hear men do this to women everyday and the women get over it and move on for the kids sake, it’s no worse because this time the shoes on the other foot. A man would probably say something like, you should have kept him happy and he wouldn’t have left so only got yourself to blame if you couldn’t keep your marriage, so I guess same applies 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am moving on and focused on what is best for the kids. Tricky when you can't settle financially or divorce because the other party is dragging their feet, deliberately.

It's also harsh to just assume that one person didn't do enough. The reality is that most of us are incompatible but we don't do enough to spot the signs before getting into a long term relationship.

The most important thing is reflecting and focusing on continuously making yourself a better person going forward.

Don’t know why some people are giving you a hard time op.
I was the child in this shit show, decades ago now, I was 8. All very similar to what you describe including finding out from other children in the playground and the “don’t tell Daddy” rubbish.
It was….unpleasant and confusing, in my case not assisted by the fact that the man by DM had an affair with, was and indeed still is, not a very nice person.
But, children aren’t stupid. Even at 8 I knew something was “off”. And the older I got, the more I understood and the more I realised exactly what DM had done.
As an adult, I of course realise that marriages break down. It happens. But the way it was dealt with, in my own situation at least, has led to so many ruined relationships. There were multiple children involved and we all now have very limited relationships with the parent involved.
I think all you can do is provide a safe, consistent home for your DC. Be positive if you can manage it, neutral if not, negative never. Children don’t forget and they grow up quickly. They will realise in time.

I think because the OP is passive - passively disliking things but unwilling to push for what he should

yep. And being passive doesn’t work out well in the end. I’m not suggesting being aggressive. Go through the correct channels, get everything legally clarified. Remain polite and impersonal. But you don’t need to roll over and do everything your ex says because she is ‘difficult’.

So many red flags here.

1. Young DC having to move in with an unrelated adult male immediately after parents separate
2. DC being told to lie to daddy or keep things secret
3. DC being told to message unrelated adult male on snap chat

None of this is good, regardless of who had an affair or whatever else.

Do go to court, do get custody and financials legally agreed ASAP.

Do mention the above in court as points 1 to 3 are not in the DCs best interest and do present safe guarding concerns.

Get therapy for the kids, they may need to speak to an adult they trust in confidence; all of this is a lot for them to take on in such a short space of time.