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Original poster

Am I asking for too much

77 replies

Coffeequeen123 · 07/04/2025 22:18

A guy got my number in a bar a few weeks ago and seemed really keen to be fair. We had 2 great dates, he was consistent with calls/texts and talked a lot about the future, such as a possible weekend break later this month! I’ve not slept with him yet FYI, I’m trying to steer clear of sleeping with men and it not becoming anything more.

he’s quite a bit older than me, seems to be pretty successful and been single a year. I wouldn’t usually date someone so much older but I was genuinely attracted to him.

anyway last Sunday we had arranged a third date to go for a walk and roast, but he didn’t ring me and the following day said he’d fell asleep!? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t make a fuss.

he came round to help me with something (manly job) on Tuesday for an hour before work, which I really appreciated and he absolutely insisted. We had dinner plans for Wednesday but he had to cancel as he forgot he was taking his kid to football. He asked me out for Thursday instead, so I agreed.

Thursday lunch time he rings me and we make loose plans to meet around 5ish, but said he would call when he finishes work. 5pm comes and I call him but no answer. He doesn’t ring me back or text all night, and not on Friday either. Very odd behaviour I thought, probably just a flaky person and I didn’t bother trying to contact him either.

Saturday comes round and I’m out with my friends and he texts me saying “you out?” , which I ignored as I thought that’s so cheeky and not even an apology! I turned up at my local pub and he’s sat there with 2 of his friends! My friend went over to say hello (she met him with me a few weeks ago) and I was pretty annoyed at that, and it was so frosty with us. We didn’t even look at each other, it was weird. Eventually he said sorry, that he’d got carried away with after work drinks on Thursday and felt so bad to cancel again that he just thought it would be best to ignore me instead and give me a few days to “cool off”! I gave him a piece of my mind and said that behaviour is totally rude and unacceptable in my book, not something I expect from anyone especially someone I’ve just started dating. A text to let me know he wasn’t coming would have been more appreciated.

he tried apologising and cracking on with me again but I just couldn’t forget it or put my face straight lol my friend was chatting away to his friend so I think she just wanted me to shut up and forgive him so we could have a good night, but I just felt awkward and weird. Eventually he said he was nipping to the loo…and he backdoored it and didn’t come back, leaving me sat with his friend and my friend! Not heard a dickybird from him since. Maybe he thinks I’m too much and he needs someone easy going who will put up with this kind of behaviour.

he’s just a bad, flaky guy isn’t he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 16:51

WayneEyre · 08/04/2025 15:00

Not true. You just need to be extremely selective.

There were several heads ups here.

He was love bombing, talking about trips away after two dates. That's a sure sign as someone genuine would not want to look over keen or even be certain after two dates only. He doesn't care as he's just a player.

Then:

Messed you about once, then didn't make really firm plans with sincere apologies and a good reason.

So his big plans are bullshit. You had no need to converse with him in the pub. He's reverted to an acquaintance.

You had no need to converse with him in the pub. He's reverted to an acquaintance.

Have you got your own kids? If not, I wouldn't bother with dating dads, not in your 30s. 40s plus, fine. Not if you're a woman wanting a family.

That's with nothing but love for parents, just there's another layer of complication at the wrong time in your life. That's even if they've got the best of intentions. Exceptions apply if you can't live without them but I personally scrolled past all. Sorry but the issue with his son's football happened 2 weeks in (not his son's fault). Find someone young and single.

You out? Meant can I come over later for sex.

Show quote history

No I don’t have kids but men my own age are either taken or still messing about. It’s very hard to find one half decent, so thought I’d give someone older a chance for a change. Thought he may treat me better lol

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 17:15

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 16:51

No I don’t have kids but men my own age are either taken or still messing about. It’s very hard to find one half decent, so thought I’d give someone older a chance for a change. Thought he may treat me better lol

Show quote history

Lots of men out of long marriages and relationships want to play the field.

Plus they've checked all the boxes - marriage, mortgage, kids etc.

They've done it all, they have no/little motivation to do it again soon.

They've passed on their genes, they're not looking for a partner to have kids, they're in a totally different position to someone with no kids yet. They can afford to mess around.

Usernamen · 08/04/2025 17:15

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 16:51

No I don’t have kids but men my own age are either taken or still messing about. It’s very hard to find one half decent, so thought I’d give someone older a chance for a change. Thought he may treat me better lol

Show quote history

Have you thought this through at all? Do you want to be a stepmother when you’re 30 and child-free? Dealing with his ex-wife and the mother of his children? And what if you want to have your own children in a few years, you’d be having them with a ~50 year-old with all the risk that brings. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster and he did you a favour by showing you his true colours early.

Noidea375 · 08/04/2025 17:18

He's married!

NPET · 08/04/2025 17:18

Sorry but all I can say is -
MEN !!!

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 17:21

Put what you think his salary is into the child maintenance calculator for as many kids as he has ....that's the absolute minimum he's paying out. Decent parents also pay for hobbies, sports, school trips, holidays, tutoring, later uni fees, gap years, then cars, then house deposits etc etc.

That's what he paying out before he even got to you and any kids you had with him.

And he'll be splitting joint assets with his ex too.

He's second hand.

And you've got to be a step mother in a blended family. That's not easy, at all.

I dated a man with kids for over a year ..I would never advise a woman to get into a relationship with and have her kids with a separated/divorced man who already has kids.

It's a million times easier and better for your finances and in general to just find a man like you and have you family with him.

Keep looking. Every possible avenue. What would the kind of man you're looking for be doing, where would he be going? .... Do that

Also, 65 doesn't look so good to a 50 yr old.

That's a pretty big age gap.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 17:22

And what if you want to have your own children in a few years, you’d be having them with a ~50 year-old with all the risk that brings.

Yup.

Higher ASD and later higher MH Inc schizophrenia risks.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 17:29

He also sounds like a drinker ....a drinker who's flaky and lets people down when he's drinking.

I have a feeling that's one of the reasons his marriage/ltr broke down.

That'd be fun as the mother of his babies/ young kids.

You need to be very skeptical about why divorced and separated men are on the market.

And that's if he's telling the truth about the reasons for his flakes....and he's not just seeing other women.

ImNotARegularMomIACoolMom · 08/04/2025 17:42

Sounds like he’s lost interest because you haven’t give the goods up yet

age really doesn’t mean anything they never grow up

Endofyear · 08/04/2025 17:45

He's a knob. You're well shot of him! If he's behaving like this after a couple of dates he's obviously an unreliable twat!

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 18:16

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 17:15

Lots of men out of long marriages and relationships want to play the field.

Plus they've checked all the boxes - marriage, mortgage, kids etc.

They've done it all, they have no/little motivation to do it again soon.

They've passed on their genes, they're not looking for a partner to have kids, they're in a totally different position to someone with no kids yet. They can afford to mess around.

Show quote history

Generally I agree with that but I have also seen plenty threads on here of women with kids whose husbands left them for a younger woman and then he proceeded to have more kids with the younger woman.

Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Endofyear · 08/04/2025 17:45

He's a knob. You're well shot of him! If he's behaving like this after a couple of dates he's obviously an unreliable twat!

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

OP posts:
Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 18:36

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

Show quote history

No, just forget him and move on to someone better. If it's only 2 dates in why is he chatting to you about going away together. Trust me dont waste your energy on him.

bigboykitty · 08/04/2025 18:38

You could, if you liked, argue that, @Coffeequeen123 , but only if you don't place any value on simple respect and communication. If he doesn't have that, what's the point of him?

WayneEyre · 08/04/2025 18:43

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

Show quote history

What were you expecting like?

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 08/04/2025 19:03

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

Show quote history

No. You are not expecting too much.

You're well rid.

Pinkissmart · 08/04/2025 19:58

Nah

Endofyear · 08/04/2025 21:41

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

Show quote history

Of course you weren't expecting too much - he said he'd call you and didn't and then ran out on you in the pub! Most people are on 'best behaviour' in the initial stages of a relationship. If that's how he behaves in the beginning, I would imagine it's only going to get worse!

TwistedWonder · 08/04/2025 21:48

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

And that’s exactly what he’s doing - the bare minimum. Bring older doesn’t make his behaviour better.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 08/04/2025 22:04

He legged it out the back door.

What an absolute bell end.

Forget it - you can do so much better.

Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 22:38

ticktickticktickBOOM · 08/04/2025 22:04

He legged it out the back door.

What an absolute bell end.

Forget it - you can do so much better.

I know, just can’t help but take it personally though. Although I do realise he probably backdoored it as his chances of getting a shag out of me were slim, so he saw the opportunity to go and try elsewhere

OP posts:
Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 23:39

Onwards and upwards 😊

MarkingBad · 09/04/2025 00:16

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 18:34

Could it not be argued that we are only 2 dates in and I’m expecting too much? Playing devils advocate here

Show quote history

No you're not expecting too much.

A decent man who was interested in dating you would have remembered he was taking his DC to something that day and made appropriate arrangements in the first place (he forgot his DC's club? Nah he didn't want to see you that day). A man interested in you wouldn't have flaked out and ghosted you for a few days for you to cool off (he blamed you for him staying in the bar and then not contacting you). A man interested in you wouldn't have exited stage left not chased by a bear (bolted out of the door when he didn't want to answer for himself).

Don't waste your youth on older men who mess you around, there is nothing they have that is worth the hassle.

Men, people in general, aren't all that complex, no need to seek inner truths, if he likes you he will do the right things. If he likes you he will make time for you. If he likes you he will do his level best to show you his best side, not just for 2 dates.

No need to play devils advocate for him. He isn't interested enough and no doubt is already onto another.

People only mess you around if you let them.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/04/2025 10:21

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 18:16

Generally I agree with that but I have also seen plenty threads on here of women with kids whose husbands left them for a younger woman and then he proceeded to have more kids with the younger woman.

Show quote history

Yes, but I was saying was that they're in no rush to do that and have no big motivation to do that.

They usually end up having more kids because they want younger women and they can't keep them without having more kids, so they go along with it. Knowing that a woman still bears the brunt of child rearing.

Winifredtabago · 09/04/2025 19:41

StrawberryDream24 · 09/04/2025 10:21

Yes, but I was saying was that they're in no rush to do that and have no big motivation to do that.

They usually end up having more kids because they want younger women and they can't keep them without having more kids, so they go along with it. Knowing that a woman still bears the brunt of child rearing.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes indeed they usually do end up having those kids to keep the younger woman happy.