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Original poster

Am I asking for too much

77 replies

Coffeequeen123 · 07/04/2025 22:18

A guy got my number in a bar a few weeks ago and seemed really keen to be fair. We had 2 great dates, he was consistent with calls/texts and talked a lot about the future, such as a possible weekend break later this month! I’ve not slept with him yet FYI, I’m trying to steer clear of sleeping with men and it not becoming anything more.

he’s quite a bit older than me, seems to be pretty successful and been single a year. I wouldn’t usually date someone so much older but I was genuinely attracted to him.

anyway last Sunday we had arranged a third date to go for a walk and roast, but he didn’t ring me and the following day said he’d fell asleep!? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t make a fuss.

he came round to help me with something (manly job) on Tuesday for an hour before work, which I really appreciated and he absolutely insisted. We had dinner plans for Wednesday but he had to cancel as he forgot he was taking his kid to football. He asked me out for Thursday instead, so I agreed.

Thursday lunch time he rings me and we make loose plans to meet around 5ish, but said he would call when he finishes work. 5pm comes and I call him but no answer. He doesn’t ring me back or text all night, and not on Friday either. Very odd behaviour I thought, probably just a flaky person and I didn’t bother trying to contact him either.

Saturday comes round and I’m out with my friends and he texts me saying “you out?” , which I ignored as I thought that’s so cheeky and not even an apology! I turned up at my local pub and he’s sat there with 2 of his friends! My friend went over to say hello (she met him with me a few weeks ago) and I was pretty annoyed at that, and it was so frosty with us. We didn’t even look at each other, it was weird. Eventually he said sorry, that he’d got carried away with after work drinks on Thursday and felt so bad to cancel again that he just thought it would be best to ignore me instead and give me a few days to “cool off”! I gave him a piece of my mind and said that behaviour is totally rude and unacceptable in my book, not something I expect from anyone especially someone I’ve just started dating. A text to let me know he wasn’t coming would have been more appreciated.

he tried apologising and cracking on with me again but I just couldn’t forget it or put my face straight lol my friend was chatting away to his friend so I think she just wanted me to shut up and forgive him so we could have a good night, but I just felt awkward and weird. Eventually he said he was nipping to the loo…and he backdoored it and didn’t come back, leaving me sat with his friend and my friend! Not heard a dickybird from him since. Maybe he thinks I’m too much and he needs someone easy going who will put up with this kind of behaviour.

he’s just a bad, flaky guy isn’t he?

OP posts:
alcoholnightmare · 08/04/2025 12:26

He wasn’t testing your boundaries with the “you out” comment….. he was hoping for a shag!
Im 39, my ex is 43…. He’s never ONCE text me “you out”. Gross.

BlondeMummyto1 · 08/04/2025 12:29

I would stop contact with him. He doesn’t need a reason when he is a twat and only communicating when it suits him.

SapphOhNo · 08/04/2025 12:32

Get out. Lucky escape!

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 12:40

Be glad he showed this early on.

You are not asking too much.

He's a flaky, rude, chancer dickhead.

Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Usernamen · 08/04/2025 12:23

What possessed you to get involved with a middle aged man with more baggage than Heathrow when you’re only 30?

Jesus Christ, raise your bar and start working on your self-worth.

Show quote history

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

OP posts:
Usernamen · 08/04/2025 12:44

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

No. I found perfectly decent men in the dating pool when I was 30. The pool shrinks as you get older, yes, but you’re way off that. Take some responsibility and raise your bar.

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 12:48

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

No dont accept this behaviour. Move on and forget about him

Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:48

Usernamen · 08/04/2025 12:44

No. I found perfectly decent men in the dating pool when I was 30. The pool shrinks as you get older, yes, but you’re way off that. Take some responsibility and raise your bar.

Show quote history

Can I ask your age now? Because I’m struggling in this day and age. I think the standard of men 10 years ago was much better, somethings changed. Society

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 12:52

He's immature for 25, let alone 45.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 12:53

Just out of a long relationship....I bet his wife/partner has been wanting rid of him for years, but waited til the kids were up a bit.

Usernamen · 08/04/2025 12:55

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:48

Can I ask your age now? Because I’m struggling in this day and age. I think the standard of men 10 years ago was much better, somethings changed. Society

Show quote history

What does this have to do with what you should be willing to accept? It’s better to be single than be with a complete bellend. I’m not buying this nonsense that you can’t raise your bar out of the gutter because of the ‘standard of men’ these days. That’s a ridiculous excuse and I think you know it. I’m mid 30s.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 12:55

he said sorry, that he’d got carried away with after work drinks on Thursday

Possible alco/bar fly.

Is that why his relationship broke down, I wonder?

The flake on the Sunday roast was also probably alcohol related.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 12:57

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

Just keep looking.

Its a numbers game.

Be glad this mess didn't take long at all to show himself.

CiscoTS · 08/04/2025 12:57

alcoholnightmare · 08/04/2025 12:26

He wasn’t testing your boundaries with the “you out” comment….. he was hoping for a shag!
Im 39, my ex is 43…. He’s never ONCE text me “you out”. Gross.

Basically. No need to read much more into this. It’s not “testing boundaries” bullshit or annoyed that she’s out without him. Given his behaviour, I doubt he’d care. Not every single expression of communication can be deciphered from a paragraph in a book.

He was simply asking if she was around - for a shag most likely.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 13:00

but he had to cancel as he forgot he was taking his kid to football

He's either lying or he's a careless, unreliable, flakey parent too. Again, this is probably related to why his ltr broke down.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 13:00

His age and the fact he has kids ....means he's punching and you're selling yourself short too.

StrawberryDream24 · 08/04/2025 13:09

A lot of men also want to play the field after they come out of marriages and LTRs.

Cucy · 08/04/2025 13:15

You’ve only been out with him on a couple of dates and it’s already difficult.

Throw this one back!!

At the beginning he is putting on his best behaviour and if he’s crap already then imagine what he’s going to be like after this initial honeymoon stage.

Honestly he’s not that into you (or in a relationship) because if he was he would be showing you how much he likes you by seeing you and not just telling you what you want to hear (like arranging dates and weekends away that don’t happen).

Don’t let him continue to treat you like this OP.

supercali77 · 08/04/2025 13:15

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:48

Can I ask your age now? Because I’m struggling in this day and age. I think the standard of men 10 years ago was much better, somethings changed. Society

Show quote history

The men might have changed, who knows, but it's not a reason for a woman to accept this behaviour. It just means extra patience while you sift out the losers

AboogaBooga · 08/04/2025 13:49

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

Yes it is. I’m 34, came from America and now living in Europe. I can confidently say that this is a global epidemic. These men want free and effortless sex. I blame the dating apps because they seem to see it as a bottomless pit of options. What you won’t put up with, some other poor unfortunate soul will.

I feel your pain and my only advice is to stay true to who you are, keep your boundaries firm and just keep trying. The dating pool is a literal swamp right now. It’s not you, it’s them.

Original poster
Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 14:04

AboogaBooga · 08/04/2025 13:49

Yes it is. I’m 34, came from America and now living in Europe. I can confidently say that this is a global epidemic. These men want free and effortless sex. I blame the dating apps because they seem to see it as a bottomless pit of options. What you won’t put up with, some other poor unfortunate soul will.

I feel your pain and my only advice is to stay true to who you are, keep your boundaries firm and just keep trying. The dating pool is a literal swamp right now. It’s not you, it’s them.

Show quote history

It wasn’t as easy for men to get free effortless sex 50 years ago, and they had to put in a lot of effort to get it in my opinion. These days, if they get a whiff of a woman who wants more…. They’re off! I can’t help but blame women too for allowing it

OP posts:
Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 14:09

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 14:04

It wasn’t as easy for men to get free effortless sex 50 years ago, and they had to put in a lot of effort to get it in my opinion. These days, if they get a whiff of a woman who wants more…. They’re off! I can’t help but blame women too for allowing it

Show quote history

Things definitely have changed with both men and women. The pill was the first big change and now internet dating.

Usernamen · 08/04/2025 14:26

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 14:04

It wasn’t as easy for men to get free effortless sex 50 years ago, and they had to put in a lot of effort to get it in my opinion. These days, if they get a whiff of a woman who wants more…. They’re off! I can’t help but blame women too for allowing it

Show quote history

Stop trying to justify your poor judgement. First it was ‘things have changed in the last 10 years’ now you’re bemoaning the fact things are different from how they were 50 years ago. There have always been shit men, raise your self-esteem and get better at sifting them out. How you ever thought a middle aged divorcee with kids was a potential candidate is baffling - do some reflecting on how you got to that point before re-entering the dating pool so you don’t make the same mistake again.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 08/04/2025 14:38

Oh wow, this man really is at the bottom of the barrel, isn't he? He's absolute scum and clearly won't change now.

WayneEyre · 08/04/2025 15:00

Coffeequeen123 · 08/04/2025 12:41

Does anyone else have the belief or the experiences that this is the standard of men in the dating pool these days? They struggle to hit the bare minimum of what’s acceptable. They rule the roost and run rings round us women

Show quote history

Not true. You just need to be extremely selective.

There were several heads ups here.

He was love bombing, talking about trips away after two dates. That's a sure sign as someone genuine would not want to look over keen or even be certain after two dates only. He doesn't care as he's just a player.

Then:

Messed you about once, then didn't make really firm plans with sincere apologies and a good reason.

So his big plans are bullshit. You had no need to converse with him in the pub. He's reverted to an acquaintance.

You had no need to converse with him in the pub. He's reverted to an acquaintance.

Have you got your own kids? If not, I wouldn't bother with dating dads, not in your 30s. 40s plus, fine. Not if you're a woman wanting a family.

That's with nothing but love for parents, just there's another layer of complication at the wrong time in your life. That's even if they've got the best of intentions. Exceptions apply if you can't live without them but I personally scrolled past all. Sorry but the issue with his son's football happened 2 weeks in (not his son's fault). Find someone young and single.

You out? Meant can I come over later for sex.