Husband messaging student!

[Radiohead2003]

So my husband (42) works at a university. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 5)

Husband goes away sometimes on conferences or student trips and he recently came back from one of these student trips.

we both work at home some days and he is usually logged into LinkedIn. I went to check something on his laptop and saw some messages between him and a student. He tends to work with postgraduate students so I’m guessing she’s in her early 30s.

he had messaged her to say well done on a presentation and she messaged back. She mentioned “your advice was so helpful. You might have noticed I came back to you quite a few times ;)” in another messages she also mentions she is single!!

I brought this up straight away with him- I said I didn’t think he should be messaging students like this and that from the messages it sounds like she is flirting with him or it could be misinterpreted. Anyway I’m hoping this chat will help him see sense, there wasn’t anything as such he had said that seemed to be flirty but I worry she might perceive the contact as being something else and it could escalate.

hoping for any thoughts on this, maybe I’m just hormonal and overreacting!!

I’d say you’re right. Putting down a solid boundary is the right thing here. Always trust you gut. What was your husbands reaction when you spoke to him about it?

Well, you can’t control what she writes to him and it’s a pretty poor show if you can’t trust him enough to deal with this himself.

So yeah, by all means bring this up with him. But based on your OP alone you run the risk of overstepping here

I wouldn’t say anything. It was the woman being inappropriate/ trying her luck. Keep it under your hat for now.

How did he respond? I know a lot of lecturers who never text with their students. It’s one of the ways that boundaries get blurred.

What was your husband's reaction when you spoke to him? Your husband has to have contact with his students and needs to remain completely professional. You stated that your husband's messages weren't flirty, so he hasn't overstepped professional boundaries. It sounds as if the student is testing the waters and pushing against boundaries. If I were him, I'd completely ignore the blatant flirting from his student and remain professional. If the flirting continues, then he needs to politely shut it down. Unless your husband has given you cause for concern in the past, then I don't really see why you should be worried (unless he reacted badly when you mentioned the messages?!). You have to trust the fact that your husband values his job, his reputation and his marriage, to be professional. The woman may be 30 or there abouts, but he'd still be bound by professional conduct and I'm sure the university would take a dim view of an employee having an affair with a student, regardless of her age.

It's not uncommon for students do this. I always pretended that I had no idea what was going on and kept everything completely professional and neutral and usually it went away. Your husband needs to do likewise.

Why’s he messaging her on Linked In though? Don’t they have email? It’s fine to say well done via official channels but this seems excessive to me especially when she’s clearly flirting with him. He shouldn’t be messaging her outside of official email channel or whatever they use these days

This 100%. The winky face also and conveniently mentioning she is single it should be emails about assignments or work only he could get into serious trouble and her behaviour is completely inappropriate id be furious. How is he planning to address this?

if he needs to, he can easily shut down any further messaging from the student by mentioning something something me and my wife blah blah blah….

I assume he doesn't mind you reading his messages. It sounds like she's flirting but you don't say if it was reciprocal so I presume not.

As a lecturer he'll get students flirting with him.

@Radiohead2003, what was your H’s reply to her and how did he react to your feedback?

His student is indeed flirting via her gushing over his advice and her repeated reliance on him, noting her single status, and, of course, the wink. This is unacceptable on several levels. I’m wondering if she was also flirty with him on the student trip.

This type of attention can be very flattering and it’s tempting to enjoy the validation, but failure to set and keep strong boundaries can result in destructive choices, personal loss, and professional damage.

@Radiohead2003, this line-crossing must be nipped pronto. He needs to stick to school email communication only and keep a professional distance with this woman at all times — in messages, on campus, and during these conferences/trips. If he is allowing their interactions to be more casual because she is an older student, that needs to stop.

You shouldn't be reading confidential emails on his computer. He should make sure they're password protected.

I doubt if that would make much difference.

I think it’s significant that he has looked her up on LinkedIn (she’s obviously not his student) and has initiated this contact following the conference personally…

he didn’t need to do that

I work in a college and the rules around social media and students are very strict. It may be different for him as she is postgrad so older, but there’s still that power imbalance so it’s a bit like a doctor and a patient, maybe, in terms of safeguarding?

in his shoes I would be worried and I would take this to my supervisor now. Last thing you want is a student getting arsey at being rejected, and making a harassment claim. Or for this to go too far and husband loses his job. He needs to be really clear around the rules and ensure he is well within them.

I brought this up straight away with him- I said I didn’t think he should be messaging students like this

What makes it obvious she’s not his student?

Because if she was he would have emailed her. Not have to look her up on LinkedIn

University guidelines for research students in my experience only stress avoiding a conflict of interest, being aware of a potential power differential, not being solely responsible for the student’s supervision, and declaring the relationship to your line manager — they’re not forbidden.

https://hub.ucd.ie/usis/W_HU_MENU.P_DOWNLOAD_FILE?p_parameters=36F8A0AC5B0D6F23FA1EEB8E7C5668E87D47F894CE813A2C5A31FE1A69D113A3E1C278129BDAF0CFDDCE3164583EBA53CF25212DDA81146A2204F10A0141A99D

Not my current department, but several senior lecturers in my current department are married to their former students.

OP, nothing you’ve said would strike me as out of the norm. I don’t use LinkedIn, but I’ve had similar exchanges with research students via email or our e-platform, most recently with a postdoc who is a decade older than me (started a doctorate aged 58) with whom I’ve run conferences and gone on training courses overseas when we won a grant. And yes, she complains about being single.

It was messages on LinkedIn the OP saw.

Is she a research student? If so a congratulatory message like that isn't out of the ordinary.
He needs to be mindful of boundaries of course and nip anything inappropriate in the bud. But a message exchange about a conference presentation is within the realms of normal behaviour.
Although, I would wonder why it's grinding on LinkedIn and not email but that's just me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Because he met her at the conference and looked her up…

Again, that’s not out of the ordinary, though, if they work in the same field, he knows her research group/lab/supervisor.

i get what you’re saying.

but all he did was congratulate her on the presentation (which presumably he also did in person). And from her response it seems they had a bit of a flirty exchange whilst they were there. And he’s initiated contact afterwards.

that to me is different to contacting on LinkedIn to say great presentation on x, would you be interested in collaborating on y etc etc.