Husband messaging student!

[Radiohead2003]

So my husband (42) works at a university. We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 5)

Husband goes away sometimes on conferences or student trips and he recently came back from one of these student trips.

we both work at home some days and he is usually logged into LinkedIn. I went to check something on his laptop and saw some messages between him and a student. He tends to work with postgraduate students so I’m guessing she’s in her early 30s.

he had messaged her to say well done on a presentation and she messaged back. She mentioned “your advice was so helpful. You might have noticed I came back to you quite a few times ;)” in another messages she also mentions she is single!!

I brought this up straight away with him- I said I didn’t think he should be messaging students like this and that from the messages it sounds like she is flirting with him or it could be misinterpreted. Anyway I’m hoping this chat will help him see sense, there wasn’t anything as such he had said that seemed to be flirty but I worry she might perceive the contact as being something else and it could escalate.

hoping for any thoughts on this, maybe I’m just hormonal and overreacting!!

It's simple
Do you trust him?

Students get crushes on their lecturer all the time, it's an annoyance of the role. I repeat, it happens all the time. Something about the power balance of the dynamic, often linked to wanting to please / get approval from the powerful figure. Believe me, it's the student initiating, not the lecturer.

A good / moral/ faithful to his partner lecturer navigates this with no infidelity.

A bad/ immoral/ unfaithful lecturer may sleep with their postgrad students.

So, do you trust him?

Thanks everyone for your replies! It seems a bit of a mixed bag and I’m still not sure what to think.

hes not done anything to make me doubt him but I suppose it’s more about me- since having the kids I’ve struggled to keep my figure etc so it’s probably something I need to work on- self image and confidence
.
it just threw me a bit seeing that message- to reiterate it wasn’t a private email which I wouldn’t have read but was open on his LinkedIn. He hadn’t mentioned this student before and it didn’t help she’s Italian and looked beautiful so I guess my guard was up. Anyway I’m glad I brought it up with him- he seemed to understand and agreed he had to be careful when private messaging students (especially beautiful Italian ones lol)

Well done OP I think you handled it really well

Radiohead you are beautiful, the mother of his children, a goddess. He needs to make sure you have time to focus on you and feel good about yourself. Young kids are exhausting full time identity stealers! Be kind to yourself, think in positives, not negatives.

Because he met her at the conference and looked her up…

Isn't she his student? So, presumably they already know each other.
Being connected on LinkedIn with your students is normal, flirty messages not so much.

No she is obviously not his student 😂 they met at the conference and he has looked her up and messaged her on LinkedIn

I think people are getting confused by the word student… OP has said likely postgrad in her 30s. So PhD student or working as a post doc maybe. Not an 18 year old with a crush

How is it obvious that she isn't his student? It's not at all. The OP hasn't said either way.

I'm not.
I'm an academic. I know what I mean when i refer to someone being a 'student'.

It sounds very much as though she is somebody studying in his field that he had met at the conference and then chose to seek her out on his return home to build on the acquaintance. And I would be very surprised if her attractiveness hadn't got something to do with it.

But OP has handled things very well.

I hope his response to her concerns means he makes sure he maintains professional boundaries with all his colleagues and students in future and doesn't just go down the route of being more careful and secretive

I'd bet they're all male.

So sick of this crap from male colleagues. It is seen as a sodding perk of the job for some

Id be having strong words with your husband @Radiohead2003 . The amount of male colleagues who have had relationships with students at my uni is ridiculous. At least two I know of left their wife and kids for the (always) younger student.

Nip it in the bud if you can and see why he's allowing this to happen.

Well- as an academic do you look up and messaged your own students on LinkedIn?

if she was his student it would be even weirder that he’d messaged her on there about a recent conference/presentation when they would be in regular contact f2f and via email

We're you my partner I would be aghast that you think it OK to interfere in my work.

She is his wife.
She has the right to express concern about another woman openly flirting with her husband.
Or do you consider flirting an integral part of your work?

Well- as an academic do you look up and messaged your own students on LinkedIn?

I'm connected on LinkedIn with lots of my students - both past and present. Students have contacted me using LinkedIn, not often but it has happened.

if she was his student it would be even weirder that he’d messaged her on there about a recent conference/presentation when they would be in regular contact f2f and via email

Which is the point I was making .........

LinkedIn is more SM imho.

Our uni has a policy on this and we're not supposed to be connected to students on social media.

I always refuse LinkedIn requests until after they graduate though appreciate doctoral supervision is more complex than UG. I have done this forever. The policy only came in this year.

But HE contacted HER congratulating her about the presentation. I just can’t see him doing that if she was a current student. Or any academic. They would email or say it F2F. It would be a really obvious flirty move. Which personally I think it was anyway. And she obviously did too as she replied in a flirtatious manner.

But anyway it doesn’t matter either way OP has had words

Exactly!!!!

But HE contacted HER congratulating her about the presentation. I just can’t see him doing that if she was a current student. Or any academic. They would email or say it F2F. It would be a really obvious flirty move. Which personally I think it was anyway. And she obviously did too as she replied in a flirtatious manner.

I'm agreeing with you!
I'm saying it's not unusual to be connected on LinkedIn with students but messaging in this way is questionable.

Ah I see crossed wires @SerenityNowSerenityNow!

He should have replied 'And I'm married so let's keep things professional'.

If he isn't setting people straight I'd be dubious as to he's decency as a husband.

Makes me sad that young women openly flirt with married older men. And sadder when the men are taken in by it. Luckily it seems your husband isn’t, but it would make me feel very angry!

Everyone knows you only message someone you know on LinkedIn so there's no email paper trail for your work to see/find. Whether it's because you're job hunting or flirting. It's also not a place most wives would think to look so it's normally safe from snoopers.

Husband hasn't shut it down or ignored the messages. So clearly open to it or likes the attention.