Not sure where to put this but DH aged 70 forgetting things - is this an issue?

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

As I say, not sure if this is the right place to put this. But...

DH a lovely caring person. I'm getting increasingly concerned about him forgetting convos that we've had. EG: today I have some sweet pea & runner bean seeds. We discussed how I had loo roll inners ready for them to be planted into (need a long root run so best for them). I put the seeds into water to soak ready to plant up this afternoon & had the ones not soaking still in the packets. This afternoon he presented me with the seeds still in the packets planted up into pots saying that it was obvious that I wasn't going to do anything with them so he'd taken the initiative. It seems that he'd completely forgotten about the convo about loo roll inners, me soaking seeds etc. Then we have a supermarket delivery this evening - he's asked me at least 3 times today if we have a supermarket delivery planned &, if so, when as we're low on milk.

On Friday we agreed that it's high time that I took a turn on cooking (he does most of it) & I was going to cook cauliflower cheese. But then, when I came home from work he had a fish pie prepared. I said that it was lovely that he'd prepared dinner, but thought that we'd agreed that I was going to give him the night off & cook. He had no memory of this at all.

He will often cook 2 meals - one in the slow cooker, forget about that & start another. Then, because I didn't know about it, will forget about the slow cooker meal that needs to be thrown away.

It goes on, he forgets appointments even though I remind him before going to work & will send him a text during my day at work to remind him (I can't always remind him close to the time due to work meetings etc. He buys stuff on line & suddenly we get 15 pies delivered & have to give most of them away or freeze them, fish from Rick Stein - yes I know humongously expensive! (at least he pays for it from his personal account) but no room in the freezer which is full of pies & other stuff! I'm beginning to wonder if I should be concerned?

I need support here as I'm starting to be really scared - he's only 70 and is the best husband in the world, but....

He has acknowledged that he's forgetful & I know that he's concerned. But he cared for his late wife through dementia & I know that it scares him. I've suggested seeing the doctor, but he won't have that.

He sounds well into a cognitive decline of some sort. You need to get him to the doctor soon. Tell him you’re worried if he won’t go for his own sake.

Thank you - I agree. He also gets a bit what he calls 'Wibbly wobbly' & needs to hold the wall when he gets up - especially in the mornings.

As he's 9 years older than me I expected to be caring for him in the future. I cared for both parents &, although it's hard work, not a problem for me.

Any insight into how I manage to get him to the doctor? I've suggested it as a 'check up' kind of thing, but he isn't having it.

OP I suspect you know that the very likely cause of this is cognitive decline (dementia/ Alzheimer's
more specifically). It’s hard…my lovely mum died recently with dementia, so I’ve been through the whole process. First step will be an appointment with your GP who will likely refer to see a memory nurse (that’s what happened to us).

Sending all good thoughts your way 💐

Oh - what are OP's thoughts on this: He knows that I've been on MN. I could say something along the lines of 'this poster has said this - sounds just like you, advice is should see a doctor' Darling this sounds like the issues that you have - you need me to go to the doctor with you. What do OP think? I'm thinking that will take the sting out of it. He knows that he has problems & (unfortunately like many men) is avoiding it.

Also having nursed his late wife through the whole thing, he understands what that means for me as carer (he's said to put him into a home which is why we currently maintain separate households). I've totally rejected that idea & said that I love him & want to look after him & also, I understand what that involves - been there, got the tee shirt.

My DH tells a story about his GC visiting his house with his daughter. His <previously very glamorous, well groomed wife> was in the snug watching TV. On their way home the GC asked daughter who the old lady in the snug was.

He told me that he reads being the old man in the snug. 😩

"OP" means "Original post(er)" - You are the OP 😊

I mean you can try it. You may need to insist.

A friend of mine who's about the same age recently went to the GP as he was worried he was developing dementia and was astonished to find out he'd actually had a mini-stroke. Luckily it WAS discovered so he can now get on the meds he needs to prevent it happening again. Could this be a useful way to get him to go?

Sorry new to MN & not au fait with it yet.

Thank you -I'll try that one. I know that he needs to see a doctor, I'm going to have to step up the 'gentle' persuasion to I'm sorry my love, but it's happening.

There are several other things that could be causing it besides dementia..sleep apnea is an obvious one, what is his blood pressure like..going wobbly when he stands up suggests investigating physical issues, might he have some diabetes issue ..that can lead to loosing sensation in your legs which can make you wobbly etc etc

all of this can be treated if its caught early and none of it is the big scary stuff, which should also be thought about, but not obsessed about

Honestly this sounds just like what my mum's memory is like now.

I took her to the GP (and also provided the GP with a written list of examples of things she's forgotten and poor decisions she has made) and they referred her to a memory clinic - her appointment is coming up soon.

You could try emailing the GP with your concerns and perhaps they would contact him and suggest an appointment for a check-up? That's what I did with my mum. I appreciate it's very difficult to navigate this, though. My mum was annoyed with me ("DD thinks I'm going completely mad!"), but not as annoyed as I would have expected.

Phone the doctor and let him know your concerns. He may be able to invite him in for a routine checkup of some sort.

To be honest, the physical symptoms alone are a good reason for him getting a GP appointment.

I know that he needs to see a doctor, I'm going to have to step up the 'gentle' persuasion

Do tell him that lots of easily treatable conditions can also cause the same symptoms, it might encourage him to go sooner rather than later.
The fact you’ve also mentioned he is wobbly could indicate something underlying. Common things include B12 deficiency, low folate, vitamin D deficiency, low ferritin and thyroid issues. All can give memory loss and a couple can definitely cause dizziness/unsteadiness.

I'm in same position, DH feeds the dog twice..or gives him his dinner as well, because he thinks we didn't take food out for the dog..fat dog that I'm constantly battling over.
Forgets to shut the gate to stop her eating the cat food.
Forgets appointments.
I can't work out if it's dementia or lack of mental stimulation.
OP, what hobbies/ interests does your DH have to exercise his mind?

Thank you all.

Have felt brave enough to say to DH 'My love I love you so much, but I'm concerned about how you forget things' gave example of sweet peas, slow cooker & his over-buying pies, fish etc. He agreed & has agreed to us both visiting doctor. Making appointment tomorrow as long as I go with him. - which will probably be in October given how difficult to actually see a GP these days.

Got 2 meals to eat tonight - once again one in slow cooker another separate.

So saying goodnight. x

Thank you for your support.

DH has very few hobbies.

I encourage him to read, but he doesn't - I do - MASSIVELY - I read a couple of novels a week!

He plays backgammon on line, we have neighbours to play backgammon together every day & both them & me encourage him to play with them - also they play chess as does DH. But, despite both me & neighbour's encouragement he won't knock on their door & invite himself to join them.

I've started having a jigsaw puzzle on the go on our (unused) dining room table. He shows little interest in it.

His main hobby was playing & watching rugby, running & triathlon. But had to give these up in order to care for his late wife. He's been in a rut ever since. I think that he's lost himself & have suggested that to him - he agrees.

I've started couch to 5k - not easy for me as I have major mobility problems (need crutches to walk), but I can walk 5k even if I can't run it. Suggested he join me & dog on our journey - eg: swollen ankle, dodgy knee etc reason why not. I say I'm doing it why not you? You who used to run 7 miles every morning before going to work in his 5 restaurants??!!

That's brilliant that you've got him to agree to see the doctor, OP.
For what it's worth, I've just been tested because of my very poor memory; constantly forgetting what I've done and what I've agreed to do and sometimes 'remembering' that I've done something I haven't. My brain scan was clear; no brain shrinkage or damage.
And I still have the symptoms. They can only suggest that it's my very poor sleep that is the problem.
I'm relieved and as well as trying to improve my sleep, I'm focusing on setting myself reminders, eg setting a timer if I've put a meal in the oven rather than expecting myself to remember.
Good luck. x

I would write a letter to the doctor in advance giving examples as you have done here.
Attend the appointment with him.Can you cut down your time outside the home a bit to keep an eye on him?

Thank you for his - DH sleeps very badly. Abuse issues when at boarding school often wakes me up in the night with his thrashing around & talking.

I also sleep badly due to having been in a bad car accident where I was badly injured (unstable fracture of lower spine, complex fracture of humerous) & trapped in a burning car- apparently I scream & talk in my sleep. Not a good mix.

Possibly a mixture of the two.....

No, I can't reduce my working hours anymore than I have done, But thank you for your support.

PS DH is having counselling for abuse issues - paid for by the Authority that was responsible for the school. But he forgets about the appointments & misses them. But, as I say to him, no problem you forgot, it's paid for & you haven't had to pay for it.

It important that he goes to the counselling sessions if the abuse is messing with his head. It sounds as if he needs a bit more day to day help. You need to be at work but there is there someone else who would be willing? Just to turn up and take him to the session or set up Zoom for him, or whatever? If there's no friend or family who would do this, you could consider paying someone. So long as they are trustworthy, they don't need to be a professional. Honestly, if I lived near you, I would offer. And I would have to put it in my calendar as a recurring appointment, and set myself an alarm for when it was time or me to set off!

OP It’s good that you have a doctor’s appointment. At my surgery, we were given an
appointment with a nurse who specialised in memory issues, she gave my husband a simple test and referred him on (via GP approval) to a specialist memory clinic. He was then given a more detailed test and a diagnosis of dementia. And tablets which have helped him. If you look on the Altzeimers website there’s a useful check list that you can take to the doctors with you to help gather your thoughts. Good luck OP, and remember to look after yourself. My husband is quite happy but I am exhausted.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/dementia-diagnosis/how-to-get-dementia-diagnosis/dementia-symptoms-checklist

You are so kind & I thank you.

His counselling is currently via Zoom.

His daughter aware of the issues, but she has 2 DCs, works full time as does her husband. We/I care for the GC 2 after school 2/3 days a week depending on her shifts.

His sons well one lives abroad the other is Naval Officer so away much of the time.

DH has only shared the abuse with his daughter, who, due to her job (she's an NHS nurse) fully understands & is very supportive.

I try to be around when counselling due, but, as I say, sometimes I need to work & it's impossible. I've set up an alarm on his phone, but he loses his phone several times a day & I have to ring it to find it - often it's out of charge so major hunt to find it. But then I often lose my phone/glasses/false teeth/engagement ring etc😂

I suspect that 'forgetting' may be an excuse for not feeling up to it as he tends to only engage with it when I'm around to talk it through with him afterwards. I've put that to him & suggested that he make the counselling calls for when he knows I will be home & towards the end of my working day. But then I find that he's arranged it for a day that he knows that I'm in the office even though my office days are on the calendar.

Rather frustrating - but another symptom I suspect.

Again I thank you.

This evening once again, despite me agreeing to making dinner - he's made 2 meals.