Not sure where to put this but DH aged 70 forgetting things - is this an issue?

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

As I say, not sure if this is the right place to put this. But...

DH a lovely caring person. I'm getting increasingly concerned about him forgetting convos that we've had. EG: today I have some sweet pea & runner bean seeds. We discussed how I had loo roll inners ready for them to be planted into (need a long root run so best for them). I put the seeds into water to soak ready to plant up this afternoon & had the ones not soaking still in the packets. This afternoon he presented me with the seeds still in the packets planted up into pots saying that it was obvious that I wasn't going to do anything with them so he'd taken the initiative. It seems that he'd completely forgotten about the convo about loo roll inners, me soaking seeds etc. Then we have a supermarket delivery this evening - he's asked me at least 3 times today if we have a supermarket delivery planned &, if so, when as we're low on milk.

On Friday we agreed that it's high time that I took a turn on cooking (he does most of it) & I was going to cook cauliflower cheese. But then, when I came home from work he had a fish pie prepared. I said that it was lovely that he'd prepared dinner, but thought that we'd agreed that I was going to give him the night off & cook. He had no memory of this at all.

He will often cook 2 meals - one in the slow cooker, forget about that & start another. Then, because I didn't know about it, will forget about the slow cooker meal that needs to be thrown away.

It goes on, he forgets appointments even though I remind him before going to work & will send him a text during my day at work to remind him (I can't always remind him close to the time due to work meetings etc. He buys stuff on line & suddenly we get 15 pies delivered & have to give most of them away or freeze them, fish from Rick Stein - yes I know humongously expensive! (at least he pays for it from his personal account) but no room in the freezer which is full of pies & other stuff! I'm beginning to wonder if I should be concerned?

I need support here as I'm starting to be really scared - he's only 70 and is the best husband in the world, but....

This does sound really concerning OP. If he won’t go to a GP, I’m not sure what can be done but I know, as with most things, that without diagnosis it will be hard to get support with finding ways to help him cope better. Would it help to try to reassure him that nothing is going to change imminently? Having the tests or seeing a GP is a first step.

Maybe DH is forgetting about the counselling sessions or not rearranging them as agreed because talking about the abuse is so traumatic, and part of him would understandably prefer to avoid it altogether. I'd suggest that if he can't face the sessions at the moment, then it might not be the right time for him. It could be better to stop for now and resume later, rather than having them hanging over him. If there's a set number of sessions paid for, it is a shame to use them up without getting any benefit.
I worked in this field so I'm kind of familiar with this.

OneOliveOtter Thank you.

On the back of this & other OP's posts I've had a serious talk with him, expressed my concerns, listened to his concerns & we've agreed that we will make an appointment for him to see GP together.

He has admitted that he <quote> 'is scared as shit that he might have dementia & that I will 'waste' my best years caring for him' I reassured him that I always knew that it might come to me caring for him & was prepared for it. I love him & always will do - he's my last & greatest love & I told him so.

We currently <officially> live separately, but have a 2nd viewing for a house as we looking at buying together on Tuesday. I fully intend going ahead with this purchase as it's a better house than either of us have at present. Lovely sunny wrap-around garden, lots of storage space, utility room for wet dog to dry off in. etc ...

I've assured him that I knew that he was 9 years older than me when we married & it was always a possibility that I would end up having to care for him - no problem I love him unconditionally. He's also reminded me that my physical disabilities may get worse & he is prepared to look after me ditto caring unconditionally.

So, moving forward I have bought a magnetic white board from Amazon that sticks onto the fridge/freezer where I can put what is happening today - eg: me cooking, you cutting grass, supermarket delivery due at XXX, Counselling today at XXX time. Lets wee how that works. It always starts with I Love you. xx

Well done, it sounds as if you have a way forward.

Perhaps you could consider adding an Alexa to your arsenal in coping with this? When my DH was first taken ill it was a really useful way of setting reminders for him when I wasn't going to be there. Once you start thinking about it from that perspective you'll find all sorts of ways it can make both your lives easier.

Hope the house viewing goes well!

Hi OP,

It sounds as though you are dealing with this so well together.

I wondered if I could also mention about B12 deficiency? I have food intolerance problems and can't take vitamin supplements. When I am in a very stressful situation for along period (like caring for an elderly relative) I seem to burn through B12 at a very high rate and end up very deficient.

The main symptom of this is that I have memory blackouts. As in, I try to remember something and instead of it being on the tip of my tongue, so to speak, I just have a massive black space in my head where that memory used to be.

I also start to lose the sensation in my lower legs, which makes walking fiddly.

I'm just at the moment trying to correct this problem by eating liver once a week, which gives me really annoying physical symptoms, but makes my memory work better immediately.

I wanted to mention because it's just possible that your DHs memory problems are partly side effects of his post traumatic stress disorder and also the effort of caring for his wife.

Separately - my DS has PTSD and has terrible nightmares. The paediatrican suggested that he take magnesium supplements and eat lots of magnesium containing food to stop the nightmares. She's right and it turns the nightmares off like a switch.

He finds that a magnesium supplement and lettuce and a stir fry ever day is enough to stop the nightmares entirely.

I hope that might help a bit. My DM has dementia, so I do understand that it is a worry. I hope the GP appointment goes well.

Maybe a house move isn't in his best interests right now?

That sounds incredibly tough. How long have you been married for? Are you happy living separately?

Have you sorted POA for each other? I wouldn’t delay if not.