Stuck in Relationship Limbo: Financial Practicality vs The "What If?"

[Honest00lad]

Ladies of the forum (and blokes lurking in the shadows), I come seeking your collective wisdom while trapped in that classic midlife muddle. Financial climate being what it is, I'm sure I'm not the only one white-knuckling through this particular rollercoaster.

Here's my situation: I'm with someone who knows me better than my own mam (God help her). We've shared everything from brilliant holidays where nothing went wrong except my dancing, to holding each other through life's proper disasters. The photo albums are full, the inside jokes are plentiful. 2 beautiful DD's.

But somewhere between matching pajamas at Christmas and discussing whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, things changed. The bedroom has become more of a sleep laboratory than anything else. And while I'm staring down the barrel of middle age (when did THAT happen?!), I've got this nagging voice wondering if there's someone out there who'd be a better fit.

Finances make it all the more complicated. I earn a decent wage (nothing to write to Martin Lewis about, but I'm not eating beans on toast every night), but if I left, I'd be financially stretched. Between maintenance payments and suddenly shouldering a mortgage solo, my bank account would be giving me the side-eye. She's spent years being the main parent while I built my career, so her earning potential took the hit. I feel I should at least wait until she's back on her feet career-wise. I'd give her the house without question – help her get the mortgage in her name and all that – but the timing just feels cruel right now.

Then there's that old saying about not knowing what you have until it's gone. I lie awake some nights genuinely terrified that I'd be tossing away something irreplaceable. Our story has all the makings of one of those "50 years together" features in the local paper. But this bloody itch just won't leave me alone. It's like having a pebble in your shoe during a marathon – you can ignore it for a while, but eventually, it's all you can think about. I'd be genuinely heartbroken to let a love story like ours end, but equally scared of staying for the wrong reasons.

I keep telling myself it's not just about fancying someone new (though let's be honest, the ego boost wouldn't hurt). It's about wondering if I'll be 80, looking back, and thinking "should've been braver, you daft old git."

The practical side: I'm basically staying put until maintenance payments end and the kids are grown. But emotionally? I'm all over the shop.

So my questions to you wise women of Britain:

• Do women go through this too, or is it just us blokes being predictably cliché?
• Has anyone took the chance and regretted it?
• Has anyone wished they'd taken the leap when they had the chance?
• Has anyone weathered this storm and come out the other side with something even more beautiful?

Because right now, it feels like I'm choosing between two different ways to mess up my life, and both options come with a side of regret.

Any wisdom (or mockery – I can take it) appreciated!

If the OP is still here.
Your wife might fancy a new bit of dick, she probably is bored with you.
But she doesn't because she sees the value in what you have, she knows your family, your history means more so she behaves like an adult and recognises she built a family..
She is the other side to you..
Stop fanning around on here and build a relationship with YOUR Woman, leave the porn, leave the ridiculous expectations and love YOUR Woman, or she might move on eh?

And I have just reread his op
Two daughters..
Come in OP!!
What would you want for them?
A Husband who has one foot in and one out?.
Looking at the easy way out, shag someone else and put a bomb under your life?
Or, do the hard work, TALK, LISTEN, is she pissed off as well?
She might be over the talking, I was, I hated him at one point.
But we gradually started to hear each other then everything changed..I felt heard so could actually listen to him.
You have to do the work.

I think by staying silent you are cowardly.

Most of the women I know do not give up on the sexual side of a relationship if their needs are being met and they are having multiple orgasms with their partner. Maybe start there.

What has the rest of your life looked like? Have you ever taken any risks?

Yes you can say that. It’s the truth. Maybe she will want to end it at once but quite likely there will be a chance to talk about what you both want to do. She may also be unhappy. Perhaps you can improve your marriage.

The first post reads like a creative writing assignment but perhaps he can’t find more grounded ways to express himself. Could be part of the problem.

please find a way to reignite your relationship eg go on dates and a weekend away (I know this is hard & maybe impossible with children but seek all options even if it’s practically hard and don’t leave it to your wife).

Also consider if you show her appreciation & allow her time to relax by sharing the workload (foreplay for woman can start outside the bedroom - I’ll never feel in the mood if I’m tired and resentful).

Give it a really good try for at least 1-2 years. Then if you still feel the same please respect her enough to explain how you feel and leave. Don’t cheat on her as this could impact her for ever. If you’ve ever loved her please don’t treat her like that.

I would really look at what you have compared to what might happen. The grass isn’t always greener & being a coparent is difficult.

OP, I can't believe the unbearably light-hearted way you talk about potentially blowing up your wife and kids' lives. On mumsnet we often wonder at the apparent casuallness with which men destroy their long happy marriages. What are they thinking we ask ourselves. Well now we have the answer. They aren't.

Your wife sounds like an amazing, loyal person who has built you up over the years. Do you know how many people would wish for a strong partnership like yours? You won at life. You don't see it because it is normal for you. Why can't you work on the sexual side of things with her? Do you see her as nothing but mumsy and frumpy? Can't you get a babysitter, give her a chance to dress up in something slinky and go on a date, rent a hotel room where you can be intimate and escape the parent roles you feel stuck in?

You must have been happy enough for a long time. What caused this change? Porn? Some new young girl at work? Do you know how bleak the dating scene really is? You aren't some cheeky chappy in a sex comedy, you are a husband and father. Do you want to be some sad divorced old man whose children resent him? Going through the dregs on Tinder. No-one will ever know you like your current partner. Give your head a wobble as we say on here.

my ex had a “mid life crisis” and left me for a younger woman. It ruined his relationship with his children. Ironically she now looks older than me . When we do cross paths I do sense a bit of regret from him . At the time we separated he dragged his feet about settlement and I was told by the solicitor that basically he wanted us back . The damage was done though and there was no going back . How do you feel if you think of your wife and children with another man? As the song says “think twice”

What an absolute plonker you are being.

What exactly are you missing from this relationship to make you think there is a better fit?

If the sex isn't up to your expectations look in the mirror, are you making the effort? Likelihood is you've also fallen into a minimal effort routine too.

You are being an absolute cliche and this will only end one way. Trust me. The dating scene after 40 is a parade of the damned. Have you ever seen those help columns where a man asked for an open relationship and then regrets is severely when she gets date after date and he gets sweet FA.

But yeah. You don't appreciate what you have until it's gone.

I guess the question is, what actually is it that you want? It isn’t wild sex all the time (unlikely to find that with a woman your age anyway, who is equally likely to have a low sex drive and to be burnt out with work and kids, and to have even less time to spend with you as needing to sort you around childcare).

Is it possible you are just bored with life because you’re getting older and wondering if this is it, not with your relationship, but with life? Paying bills and taking out the bins and being everyone’s taxi service IS boring. Maybe you need to do something more exciting with your life that doesn’t involve trashing your relationship and your chance for companionship as you get older.

Bored with work? Could you retrain? Get a new job? Start a business? Have you always loved to travel but you don’t get to do it much anymore? You could go trekking through Cambodia for 3 weeks (yes, married people with children can go off and have adventures too). Did you give up on a passion for music or sport or whatever when you settled down? Can you get back into it? I think it’s very easy to equate being bored with life with being bored with the person we share life with.

Beyond that, I’d think about what life might look like when your children fly the nest. You don’t actually say how old they are, but eventually it will be just the two of you. What would that feel like? You’d finally have time together again. Would you look forward to that or dread it? Would it feel different if those older years were spent living alone instead? Or with someone else and her children?

The reality of a new relationship in your middle years is not riding off into the sunset for hot sex and sparks and fun like in your 20s. It’s more likely to be taking the bins out with someone else or dealing with stress from teen behavioural issues or worrying about retirement. Unless what you have in mind is meeting a 25 year old on Tinder, but that’s a bit embarrassing and cliche.

And won’t happen! (your last sentence)

I think this is why people get hobbies OP.

Yes think about your wife with a new man around the kids, how does that make you feel?

Thanks for all the replies.

Some very good points made that have got me thinking. Truth be told, It's given me a kick up the backside.

The grass isn't always greener and I'd be pretty stupid to walk away from something valuable and meaningful.

As posters above have indicated, the novelty would soon vanish and there's a good chance I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

I think I need to set new goals and a new hobby. I used to love spending time with my 2 DD's but they are getting older now and naturally want to see their friends.

I need to value and thank my lucky stars for everything I have, and embrace mid life. It has been challenging to come to terms with.

Awful.

This is a great post, thanks.

I have heard bad things about dating in mid life. The last time I was single I was a completely different age, so it's a good point that the landscape would be very different

Twat. How dare you be so flippant about upending three other people's lives. Go and buy some lycra and a bike or something.

Thanks for this. The post might have been light hearted but I take this all very seriously. I have had talking therapy. Sometimes I use humour as a defence mechanism.

It's hard to imagine getting the sex life back on track. But even if we don't, it's not worth throwing it all away for at this stage in my life.

I don't know what caused the change, it happened very gradually over a few years. Not a new girl at work and definitely not porn as you suggested. I think the most likely reason is just mid life, the years are ticking by. Some people have passed away around me, made me realise that life is short.

Apologies for the light hearted tone of the OP. I recognise its something that could have a huge impact on others. I think I'll swerve the lycra, but you are absolutely right that I need to find a new hobby. I used to love spending time with 2 DD but now they are getting older, naturally they have their own social life.

Thanks for your posts, I really need to get a grip. Taking inspiration from your experience there.

Same. It’s the forced self deprecation/attempts at humour. Sets my teeth on edge.

@Honest00lad fact is you could meet loads of us on here, lots of intelligent and probably attractive women- right age group. Thing is we are probably in the main exactly like your wife-so you would end up worse off and not knowing all our downsides and believe me many of us have them- I for one am no longer interested in sex if I’m honest , but could probably make myself interested ‘enough’ for a year with someone new - there are many ways to pep your life up- not just new partners and more sex- that may be very temporary. I would have an honest discussion too that you need to get a new hobby/ different job/ side line business/ the odd weekend away with a mate etc and accept she may need that too - so step up

Definitely make a huge effort to build your relationship as non-parents: book those weekends, hotel rooms, dinners, walks in the park. Treat her like you want to be around her and you fancy her - flattery might just get you everywhere. Don't worry if your bedroom at home is a sleep lab - take her to some new bedrooms. Invest in your friendship/relationship with her - it will involve some spending but it will be a better use of money that anything else you can buy.

Flirt - all the time - like your sex life depends on it. Give her a little kiss on the cheek and a hug or squeeze her shoulder - don't try for a snog but be physically affectionate. Sit on the sofa and watch something together. Just hold hands or sit close enough to be touching - I craved this but my DH would just start pawing me.

Compliment her - this can be very basic: 'You look nice today' 'I like that top'. Those little interactions are so important. They are the links that keep your physical life going.

If my DH had done those sorts of things, we would have been a lot happier. Most of the time, I felt like a disappointing employee. He wasn't unkind but he wasn't enthusiastic and attentive either. He only touched me when he wanted sex. I was so lonely.

I think that you need to have a good look at your life and what you currently have. You have a wife and your kids are getting that bit older. How much work do you do at home? Do you do any of the driving when your kids are going to friends or activities? Do you organise anything or does your wife do it all?
Does your wife work outside the home even part time?

You said that your sex life is gone poor. Well maybe it would improve if your wife was not doing everything at home?
When was the last time you went out for meal without the kid's or had a child free weekend away?

I think that you need to step up and do more at home. Tell your wife that she looks good and if you know she is unhappy because she put on some weight suggest that she goes to say slimming world or the gym and that you be there to mind the kid's.
If she does this don't be coming home with take aways ect
Relationships required give and take. If your wife is doing all the giving no wonder she does not feel like having sex.

Start to do more at home. Start to see her as more than just mammy who does everything at home. Start giving her some child free time at weekends and encourage her to see her friends. Arrange a babysitter and take her out for a nice meal. Plan a nice child free weekend away and sort out childcare for this.

I have a lot of friends with children and as the children got older the parents started to have meals out, the odd childfree day and the odd weekend away without kid's.
They realised it was important for them as a couple to work on their marriage's.

I know one man who decided to see was the grass greener elsewhere and he was probably around your age say 40 plus. His wife found out and she was very upset. She told him that she wanted to work on their marriage. She told him straight out that if he cheated on her again it was over between them.
He cheated on her and is now living in a horrible rental place. She lets him see the kids and has reminded civil to him but he is paying a lump of child support each month. He has not much spare cash.
Meanwhile his friends that stayed married are now better off financially than him, are going away on child free holidays and there lives are far better because they put in the work on their marriages.
He is waiting for his parents to dies and get an inheritance before he can buy another house or apartment to live in.

You need to see what you have and work on improving your current situation rather than decide the grass is green elsewhere.

Staying put until the maintenance ends - well that's lovely, isn't it? So you've used your wife for her child rearing and house keeping services, but you'll generously hang around until you reach the point where you won't need to compensate her for that and then pull the rug out from under her with a limited career history, and much reduced pension.

All because "scratching an itch" is more important than decades of living marriage. She deserves better than you.