Sudden end to a friendship- should I contact her

[magtabs]

Hi, my friend has cut off contact and blocked me after sending me a message about 3 weeks ago. We met about 2 years ago via my daughter who knew her through work. My daughter has a long standing friendship of about 4-5 years with this woman and thought we would get along as we were in a similar position (both middle aged, both single etc etc) so we did strike up a friendship.

I had been going through a rough patch due to relationship and quite serious health issues. My friend also had things that were rough in her life (different things to mine)

I thought over the 2 years we both had our fair share of time complaining and setting the world to rights, but then supporting each other. On many occasions I truly believe that I was a good friend and helped her, both emotionally and practically. We were at a stage in the friendship where we were messaging and calling a lot.

Since new year I had taken a slight step back because my friend had started to say that I was negative and complaining all the time and that I lived in the past, regretting decisions I had made etc etc. I realised that I had probably complained a lot and was trying to reset myself and be more mindful about being negative, so naturally I wanted to message her when I was upbeat rather than on days where I was feeling low.

So a couple of weeks went by without us messaging each other at all. Then I got a message out of the blue saying that she thought our friendship had run its course and that I had no interest in being her friend unless it was to sap energy from her, or wanted a listening ear. She said that she had been testing me to see how long it was before I checked in on her to see how she was doing. She then said that she expected to only hear from me ever again when my life had gone to shit (her exact words)

My daughter phoned me the next day (she lives in another city) and immediately started getting angry with me, saying why had I been such a bad friend to X.

I shut the conversation with my daughter down because I was shocked that my daughter already knew about it- I had not intended discussing it with my daughter, not for a while - I didn’t want to be bad mouthing my friend and really it was none of my daughters business at that stage. But obviously my friend had already said something to my daughter about it, which led to my daughter getting angry with me. It caught me completely off guard and made me feel terrible.

Now I’ve had another week or so to think about it all. I have such mixed emotions about it all. I also have a book that I need to return to my friend.

I could send it to her by post or get a brand new copy delivered to her. I could include a letter or not. Or just leave it and never contact her again, not even to send the book back. Or get my daughter to take it round next time she is visiting me (which will be early May)

I do miss my friend a lot, even though I was shocked and hurt and angry by her cutting message. My friend prides herself on being a “nice person” and providing a listening ear to all her friends. I’m now paranoid that I was the awful energy sapping person that she described.

I don’t know what to do about it really, it’s really bothering me the way it’s all ended.

I do feel like writing her a letter and either sending it with the book or just in the post.

Just don’t know what to do for the best really….

Leave it. `The friendship has ended. It's a shame, but there it is. She has every right to decide to move on. Chasing her up pr trying to contact her wouldn't end well.

Give the book to yuor daughter to pass on next time she sees her.

No, don’t send her a book or a letter. She’s said what she’s said, and she’s blocked you. She doesn’t want to hear from you.

I think her contacting your daughter straight away was very cheeky. Presumably trying to get in her ear before you. You could give the book to DD, but do not include a letter.

Friendship break ups are really sad, and are hard to get over. This will play on your mind for a while but you will feel better with time. Speak openly with your daughter about why you hadn’t contacted friend (she asked you not to, while you were feeling negative). Try implement some things that might help with your low mood - therapy, exercise, hobbies that make you happy, visit to GP.

I think there must be more to this. Did she mention any concerns of her own last time you spoke? It seems like she's upset that you haven't followed up with her about her problems.

Im really not sure. She has ups and downs like everyone. There have always been day to day stuff- like her car breaking down or minor arguments with family, but I do believe I was always there for her to talk it through with. The last messages I sent were quite short and didn’t contain any complaining or negativity. It’s the fact that we didn’t have a regular “fall out” of hat I can pin this onto that’s upsetting me.

If you were to be brutally honest, what percentage of your conversations over the years have been about her?

She may have experienced you as negative and a drain, but that doesn’t mean it’s the whole story from your point of view. I would leave it, post the book back to her, and decline to discuss it with your daughter. People’s narratives of the end of a friendship are never going to match, any more than the narratives of the end of a relationship will. Just accept that. If there’s stuff in your past and regrets you’d like to talk about, a therapist might be a better idea for now.

So you used to speak a lot but when she called you out on being negative you didn’t contact her for weeks? I can see why she’d be annoyed to be honest.

If the friendship really meant a lot to you, you could send her some flowers with a note apologising and wishing her well. And give the book to your daughter. But I think the friendship is over.

Accept the friendship is over.

Post the book - do not involve your daughter. Include a 'wishing you all the best' note if you want, but nothing else.

And maybe look back and reflect on your interactions with your former friend as you may possibly be just a little hard work.

What is it with all the similar threads ATM?

Has the same "friend" suddenly ghosted everyone on their contact list?

Whatever the scenario, reporting it to your daughter was absolutely out of order. That was really unfair and uncalled for. In fact, it’s a shit thing to do and to be quite frank she doesn’t deserve your friendship for doing that. She’s clearly said something mean to your daughter and that’s below the belt.
This is what I think, bear with me. While you have probably done a lot of complaining, and she’s called you out in your part in it, when you’ve decided to make some positive changes…. she didn’t like it.
You have pulled back from too much contact… she’s ended the friendship. And she did it using mean words about when your life is going to shit, just when you are trying to be more positive.
If this were a romantic relationship this would be called at as DARVO.
She has flounced off, tried to cause damage, and then tried to turn your daughter against you.
I think she’s not your friend and probably hasn’t been for a long time. It’s easy to get sucked into moaning to a friend, and they do the same back, but I think she’s called you on it to hurt you.
You couldn’t do the right thing here because either way, she’s pegged you as wrong.
Don’t send a book, don’t contact her and do not discuss it with your daughter. The fact that you were never going to shows how decent you are - this other person isn’t.
She’s played you like a fiddle here. Be glad she’s gone because I can guarantee she would have just escalated.

She sounds like a bitch. Nothing wrong with friends being a listening ear. So long as it's not 100% of the time one person. My best friend and I have a friendship based in mutual moaning/ commiserating over life's shit and I wouldn't want it any other way.
For her to be so overt with you is, frankly, a bit rude. She could have phased things out and not made such a big deal, it's not like you interrogated her as to why the friendship had gone south. Sounds like you'll be better off without her. It hurts at first though.

@magtabs okay so even keeping in mind that "recollections may vary" etc...

this bit is actually downright nasty
"She then said that she expected to only hear from me ever again when my life had gone to shit (her exact words)"

I wouldn't say or write anything because she certainly isn't going to be receptive to it. And she should not have told your daughter.

I wouldn't worry about the book. I wouldn't get anyone else involved in handing it over. Maximum would be to post it back to her without a note I think.

This sounds like a horrible experience, sorry you have gone through it.

The "friend" is a toxic individual.
Befriends you.
Then has a mild go at you for your negativity, etc.
So you back off and have a think.
She then has a go at you, with an invented complaint that you're neglecting her.
And stirs up trouble between you and your daughter by telling her what a bad freind you are.

She is a batshit crazy trouble-maker. I hope there is some way you can get back on a good footing with your daughter and shake her loose from this woman.
Edited to add: PLEASE don't send a letter - she will use the letter itself as evidence of you harassing/ berating her, and will spin the content anybway she can to make you look like the baddie. Let it go, please!

Friend A feels very negative after conversations with friend B. She values her friendship though and could actually do with a real listening ear from her friend, so musters up the courage to point it out to friend B in the hope that friend B will realise that friend A could really do with a positive listening ear.

Friend B responds by stopping all contact with friend A for weeks.

Friend A deduces that friend B only enjoys chatting to friend A when she is able to moan about things to her. Friend A decides this isn’t a supportive friendship for her.

Im guessing your friend might view the situation a bit like this. As does your own daughter, coincidentally.

She has made her decision and communicated it clearly.
All you have to do is respect it.

All reasonable. Except that Friend A than badmouths Friend B to Friend B's daughter, so strongly that Daughter has a go at her mum.
Friend A is a drama- queen troublemaker.

Or maybe as they were friends first and work together she felt she had no choice but to tell the Daughter.

I find it strange that the Daughter instantly took the friends side… almost like maybe she knows the behaviour the friend is talking about.

The problem is, emotional vampires are really not self aware and incredibly thick skinned as well as incredibly draining.

Oh knows how to press Daughter's buttons.

I have a good friend, whose daughter is besties with my daughter. If I fell out with my pal, no way would I be bitching to my daughter or hers, about the reasons.

Anybody that sets you ‘tests’ like that is trouble and if she wasn’t trying to stir up drama she would have let the friendship drift apart quietly rather than sending you an overwrought paragraph

Another here who thinks she sounds like a bit of a drama queen. She’s been very aggressive in how she’s handled this with you and is apparently happy to bad mouth you to your daughter. She sounds quite cruel.

This is Mn. A lot of people struggle with friendships, don’t have many friends, and thus rely too heavily on one person. And are then unable to handle it when that person opts out.

Thank you all for all the comments, I do appreciate all the different views and insight into what might have happened. I could have handled it differently - instead of taking a step back I should have tried to communicate more. I didn’t realise she was testing me, I thought I was just giving her (and me) some space so that I could think about being more positive. Thanks for the advice about not contacting her. I will give the book that I borrowed to my daughter to give back to my friend, and I’m not going to have a big discussion with my daughter about it.

Im sad that this has happened and have learned a lesson not to overshare and talk too much about worries and feelings with people in future.

I don't think you should come away from this thinking 'I'll never share my problems with friends again' - as I said up thread, it can be fine to have a friendship based on mutual 'moaning' - but I would just urge you to match your energy to theirs and ensure that it is mutual (maybe not all the time, there can be ebbs and flows in who needs support, but over time) and that you are truly there for them when they have issues as well as the other way round.

Other friendships you may find don't have this dynamic and there's less of a sharing of your innermost thoughts -again, absolutely fine, each will find its own path.

I just wanted to add that I had a massive falling out with someone who I thought was a close friend - and she said similar, that I had gone on about my problems, but when I looked back I could see that actually SHE was the one who had gone on about stuff, more than me - I remember one phone call in the pandemic when she went on about her ex for about an hour and then ended the call without even asking me how I was. But she was toxic and had an expectation that I was there to listen to her and not the other way round. When I did have a problem I turned to her for a reciprocal listening ear, she didn't want to know.

So do take what your ex friend says with a pinch of salt.

She sounds critical and manipulative.

Not right for you as a friend.