Would you divorce?

[Ducky222]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. Two children over the age of 18. My husband has worked away since 2019 (Middle East) and I’m now at the point that I dread him coming home to visit. Me and my children amble along in perfect peace when he’s not here. Over the years he’s been so difficult and it’s been so confusing but now I think he’s gaslighted me (only recently learned what that is all about). These are the things that make me think about divorce… He will say hurtful things and when I get upset, he gets in a mood (can be for days) so I end up apologising to make it right and keep the peace. I believe this is gaslighting? My children recently told me they enjoy it when it’s just us 3 and they find him quite ‘stressy’ too. He earns 18k per month but I pay half my teachers salary into the bills which leaves me with very little as he hardly puts anything into the joint account so I tutor 4 nights a week to make up for it. If I ever bring it up he says I need to manage my money better! He’s stashing money away in an offshore account so the extortionate wage doesn’t benefit me- I know it’s his money and he can do what he wants with it but there’s part of me that thinks this money should benefit the whole family. He gives me £100 per child for their birthday so I’ve ended up getting a credit card and a loan so I can treat them for their birthday etc. yes, I know this is probably really bad so please don’t judge!!! Then there’s the sex. I know it’s a big part of any relationship but I just don’t feel like it more than a couple of times a week. I’m 48 and I’ve recently had a hysterectomy and just don’t feel up to it. When he comes home, he expects sex 2-3 times a week and he gets in a mood if it’s not a full on porn session. He went back to the Middle East yesterday and he was home for a week- we only had sex once and the last few days he was really distant with me. Honestly, I knew if I had sex with him he would get out of his mood but I just didn’t have it in me! Now I’m feeling just done with it all but am just being a shit wife?? I just don’t know! I flip between thinking he is being unreasonable to then me thinking I made marriage vows and part of that was to have sex with him so then I feel incredibly guilty. He does so nice things when he’s home- he cleans, cooks and sorts the house out so I don’t have to worry but it feels like he has to have something in return. Then I fantasise about a peaceful life on my own. I just don’t know what is real half the time. I sometimes think I’m just a fucking stupid doormat. Should we get counselling? Any advice?

oh my goodness, that's really depressing.
I can't believe he earns so much and doesn't share.
It is not right you are having sex you don't want.
Never have sex with him again. Tell him you don't like it so it is finished.
But I also think your life will be much better if you divorce.

How often does he come back ? I assume you live in the UK ? How long does he stay ?
£18k a month , is a large amount . Do you know how much he has saved in the time he's been away.
I would also resent it when he comes back. You have made your own life and it must seem like a stranger comes to stay now and again . Worse still one that expects sex on tap when he feels like it.

Sorry to answer your question , yes , think I would.

Yes he expects 50% of the bills lots of sex and your kids hate him and prefer it when he isn’t there

Divorce divorce divorce

but carefully so he doesn’t hide assets

Goodness OP. He sounds really vile. Defs divorce him.

Get evidence of that salary and clear the debt he helped make.

I’m just in utter despair. I know it’s not right but so unsure. Just pathetic and no bloody backbone!

He comes home every couple of months which can be anything from a week to 3 weeks. Not sure how much he’s stashed. He used to pay a bit off the mortgage but doesn’t seem to do that now.

He sounds awful, OP.

Don’t say that. It sounds like you’ve been abused for a long time. That’s probably why you’re unsure. People like that can leave you without a sense of self.

You’ve only one life OP. Why not spend the rest of it happy and not dreading living with someone who financially and emotionally abuses you. I don’t know what your sex life is like, but given there’s coercion there, that’s abuse there too.

You’re happier without him. Leave him.

Run

There are so many reasons here for you to divorce, not least him being so mean with his money. But the main thing that stands out to me is your dreading him coming home. I used to feel this with my ex who worked away a lot. I’m just after finalising my divorce after 25 years being together and can honestly say I feel liberated. The relief of not worrying about him coming home more than makes up for any downsides. Honestly, just bite the bullet while you’re still young enough to live a life. Good luck!

Yes divorce. And half of your debt is his, just as half of his stashed savings are yours. He is an asshole.

You should have the option of being a SAHM (if you want to be one) since he is away all of the time so needs to you essentially be a single parent. You have a high enough single income from his work so don’t need your income at all (though I personally would want to work for the interactions with others)

ltb

I had a similar set up in the late 1990s. Husband was a long term ex-pat, always promising this would be his last contract, but it never was. I was effectively a single parent most of the time, then he’d whistle in, disrupt the whole household, tell me I was rubbish, and then bugger off again. He squirrelled away a lot of money, too, while I counted the pennies and fished down the back of the sofa for coins to pay the kids’ dinner money. He had at least one affair while he was away.

After six years, I’d had enough, we separated and divorced. He’s still working abroad, leaving his current wife at home. I’m happily single and retired.

What resonated with me was him sulking if the sex wasn’t “full on porn” …..
Just tell the creepy tight bastard to fuck right off, never have sex with him again, divorce him and take him to the cleaners.
See a solicitor while he’s away, get the ball rolling and tell them he’s got a stash of savings, quite possible hidden.
Just do it OP, you deserve a happy life.

He sounds controlling and abusive I would leave

What would be a reason to stay with him? He's not there most of the time anyway. You'd probably be better off financially if you divorced too, but being emotionally and physically free is worth much more @Ducky222

Reread your post. Imagine a friend had written it. Divorce this man and get your fair share of his £18k a month (!!!!) instead of scrapping around trying to make ends meet. I know it’s hard; I instigated the split with my own husband (3 kids). But he’s not being a decent partner or dad and his presence causes upset. So be brave

@AllrightNowBaby I feel like our whole marriage has been like that in terms of sex. I feel relief for a few days when we’ve had sex then the dread starts again but it’s more about whether I can perform and it be good enough so he doesn’t go in a mood. I’ve got to get out. I know this.

He earns 18k per month but I pay half my teachers salary into the bills which leaves me with very little as he hardly puts anything into the joint account so I tutor 4 nights a week to make up for it. If I ever bring it up he says I need to manage my money better!

What the fuck?

He earns that much money and you're struggling? Marriage means you agree to share assets "for richer for poorer" - the family he helped create should be benefiting from his earning power, not him sitting on his wealth like some fucking dragon on its hoard.

Divorce him, you'll be better off in sooooo many ways.

@category12 I do often think I’d be better off financially. I’m just not sure how to go about it all. It feels confusing and I feel like I’ve no backbone to walk away but at the same time, I can’t live like this either.

Take baby steps. First find and speak to a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

Go see a solicitor!

I have views on people going to work in the Middle East to make big money but you are not even seeing any of that money. He sounds fucking horrible on nearly every front and I see few arguments against divorcing him. And without wanting to be cruel, there is no way in hell I'd be having unprotected sex with him, someone with such an attitude to sex is very likely to be seeking it elsewhere. Well I wouldn't be having sex with him at all but that's just me.

OP you sound like a kind and generous woman with good values who works in service of others as a teacher. He on the other hand is a tight prick who chooses to work in places of questionable values and then doesn't even share the money made from this with his own wife or children. Absent all the other stuff (which is bad enough) your values are completely mis-aligned and surely you can't have respect for him as a person?

Joint counselling is never advisable when there is abuse present within the relationship. It's over anyway bar the process of divorce also because he is abusing you, and in turn the children, emotionally and financially. You've had to take out a loan to make ends meet (a common scenario in such cases).

Seek legal advice asap re divorce and have no compunction either about hiring a forensic accountant if needed too.