Would you divorce?

[Ducky222]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. Two children over the age of 18. My husband has worked away since 2019 (Middle East) and I’m now at the point that I dread him coming home to visit. Me and my children amble along in perfect peace when he’s not here. Over the years he’s been so difficult and it’s been so confusing but now I think he’s gaslighted me (only recently learned what that is all about). These are the things that make me think about divorce… He will say hurtful things and when I get upset, he gets in a mood (can be for days) so I end up apologising to make it right and keep the peace. I believe this is gaslighting? My children recently told me they enjoy it when it’s just us 3 and they find him quite ‘stressy’ too. He earns 18k per month but I pay half my teachers salary into the bills which leaves me with very little as he hardly puts anything into the joint account so I tutor 4 nights a week to make up for it. If I ever bring it up he says I need to manage my money better! He’s stashing money away in an offshore account so the extortionate wage doesn’t benefit me- I know it’s his money and he can do what he wants with it but there’s part of me that thinks this money should benefit the whole family. He gives me £100 per child for their birthday so I’ve ended up getting a credit card and a loan so I can treat them for their birthday etc. yes, I know this is probably really bad so please don’t judge!!! Then there’s the sex. I know it’s a big part of any relationship but I just don’t feel like it more than a couple of times a week. I’m 48 and I’ve recently had a hysterectomy and just don’t feel up to it. When he comes home, he expects sex 2-3 times a week and he gets in a mood if it’s not a full on porn session. He went back to the Middle East yesterday and he was home for a week- we only had sex once and the last few days he was really distant with me. Honestly, I knew if I had sex with him he would get out of his mood but I just didn’t have it in me! Now I’m feeling just done with it all but am just being a shit wife?? I just don’t know! I flip between thinking he is being unreasonable to then me thinking I made marriage vows and part of that was to have sex with him so then I feel incredibly guilty. He does so nice things when he’s home- he cleans, cooks and sorts the house out so I don’t have to worry but it feels like he has to have something in return. Then I fantasise about a peaceful life on my own. I just don’t know what is real half the time. I sometimes think I’m just a fucking stupid doormat. Should we get counselling? Any advice?

Solicitor is your first step.

You feel like this because he's broken you down with emotional abuse and coercive control - the verbal abuse, the denigration, the silent treatment, coercion over sex, and it's financial abuse as well. You can break free though. You're stronger than you think.

The fact that he makes everyone in the household unhappy instead of overjoyed he's home tells you everything.

"My children recently told me they enjoy it when it’s just us 3 and they find him quite ‘stressy’ too".

And this from your kids should act as further impetus on your part to divorce him. They are not daft and they know what's what here.

It is very scary taking that first step, but if you don’t, think where you’ll be in 10 years time. I would speak to a solicitor who will talk you through what needs to happen. The Separate Space website is also a really good starting point.

You need to speak to a solicitor that probably deals with offshore finances, whether they have a forensic accountant at their disposal.

He’s abusing you, emotionally and financially and I’d not say anything to him until you have ‘everything’ you need to make a serious play for divorce!

I wish you all the best, it’s not easy, but my god, it’s worth it!

Op it's sounds awful. 18k a month and you pay half your salary on bills! Plus he's horrible when he's home.

If you need any more incentive to split I've worked in the Middle East and there is a massive bachelor style culture among married men. I'm not saying he is cheating but he really would be the anomaly if he wasn't.

Good luck .

I'm trying to see it from his point of view for a balanced argument. Could it be that he's building up a retirement fund so he can quit in a year or two and just spend it all travelling with the family? Granted, it's not great that he's letting you struggle 'now'. He just sees it as you being able to manage, why waste money. Does he help with kid's university/phone/entertainment etc?

As for the sex, I do think this is a case of different perspectives. To you, it's that he's been away and just wants you for sex when you're together, like a caged beast being set free. To him, he's probably seeing it as him saving up all these feelings, emotions and urges and then really looking forward to his wife. He's expecting it to be romantic, passionate, and basically two months of catch-up all rolled into a week, but instead it 'feels' like a normal week. He's doing his share of housework etc, and there's no real "daddy's home, let's make the most of it" feeling.

It reminds me of the post yesterday about a women saying she was disappointed when her husband came back from a trip without a present. I think he's expecting some sort of enthusiasm when he comes home after being apart for so long. He probably sees it as "why am I working so hard, and being asked to spend money, when I come home and no-one seems to care".

I honestly see it both ways. He's a dick, and handling it totally wrong, but I'd also feel a bit deflated too if I were him.

You need to give your head a wobble!

Why are you trying to see this both ways Init4?. He is not posting here, his long suffering wife is.

Indeed give your head a wobble. OPs H is abusive towards his wife the OP and so its game over. All OPs H cares about is his own self and getting his own needs met so his wife and children are really of no real concern to him.

Oh @Ducky222I think he has abused & gaslit you for years. He sounds awful.
You really do need to divorce as soon as you can, & to get what is yours - the assets (of course) but also to get yourself back again, so you’re happy, relaxed, confident and fully able to provide the loving home that you & your children deserve without threat of that jerk coming back, ever.
You’re in the right here, 100%, and deserve this “marriage” to be over.
Best wishes.

Go and see a solicitor. Don't tell your dh.

Granted, it's not great that he's letting you struggle 'now'. He just sees it as you being able to manage, why waste money. Does he help with kid's university/phone/entertainment etc?

What the blithering heck are you talking about? They're his kids, it's not a case of him "helping" if he feels like it, he has a duty and responsibility to contribute to all of that, and to their housing and household bills.

He earns outrageous sums of money, he shouldn't decide unilaterally that his wife can stress and "manage" while he stashes away cash. If they agreed together that he would do that, then fine.

Basically you're making shit up to justify him shafting his wife financially in the here and now.

Jesus, I can't believe what I'm reading. I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation. Yes, you should definitely divorce him!

He’s stashing away money keeping you so short you have to work overtime?
I’d say that’s enough on its own.
And sorry, but I knew someone working abroad, his wife discovered the extent of his cheating when he announced he had another family. I wouldn’t trust him.
And he’s opted out of family life. Get a good solicitor

Please stop making excuses for a man who is emotionally, financially and sexually abusive.

Try and find out all his accounts and get evidence.
LTB.

He's having a great time isn't he. Keeping 18k a month while he has a full-time carer at home for his dc whom he visits and then naffs off again.
Have you visited and seen where he lives and experienced the expat social scene?

Bless you, I really feel for you.

I was in a marriage where I couldn’t stand up for myself. In many ways I was actually scared of my husband, I let him get away with anything he wanted because the fall out from him was too awful for me.

Eventually things imploded, his disdain and disregard for me became evident and divorce was finally on the table.

I went to therapy and with help saw that he had bullied me and manipulated me throughout our long marriage, it broke my heart.

Long story short, I am now divorced and it’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me.

It sounds without doubt that you will not only be considerably happier if you divorce but also much better off - for many women they are financially worse off but it’s still worth their while to be free of someone that makes them so unhappy.

So three things, before you ever tell him you want a divorce.

Therapy, see a solicitor, and find out about his off shore accounts and assets. As @AttilaTheMeerkat says you might need a forensic accountant, or even a private investigator- not sure what, but you do need to find out what he has hidden away.

My divorce, (married long time, adult child), meant I was due 50% of ALL assets.

I was scared, browbeaten and passive but I’m glad I did it. Talking to others, seeing professionals (therapist/solicitor) will give you strength to take those first steps.

I didn’t even think I had the right to ask for a divorce and it would only happen if he decided he wanted me gone. However, don’t do what I did and be too scared to say anything or do anything and then finally implode and divorce is on the table without knowing about your marital assets. This gave my then husband the ability to hide those assets (which he did).

I am now divorced and I got less than 50% but it’s enough for me to live on.

Therapist and solicitor first. Find the money anyway you can - you will be able to pay it back when you get control of the money which is rightfully half yours.

Remember, the person you are now, who doesn’t feel able to do this isn’t the real you. He has made you this way.

Start with baby steps to gain some confidence- look up Wikivorce website.

My father started working abroad, mainly in the Far and Middle East, when I was 9. My mother was a trailing spouse for a few years (which meant myself and my two brothers were dragged along too) but had to give it up when I was 14 as our education was badly affected.

I also used to dread my father coming home on his leave. My mother changed into a completely different person - stressed, angry, nitpicking, totally on edge. I still remember the total sense of relief we all used to feel the day after he'd left...

I agree with other posters that you need to stop having unprotected sex with him. I would bet his whole year's salary he's not being faithful to you out there. Regarding the marital assets - which, whether he like it or not, his salary is legal viewed as - I also hope for your sake that yours is a marriage that is legally recognised in the UK. You need to try and gather as much evidence as possible of what he earns, how much the mortgage/how much the house is worth, any pensions he might have etc...and then hot foot it to a solicitor as soon as possible.

Divorce, divorce, divorce. He's emotionally and financially abusing you.

I'd start with working out how much is in the offshore accounts, pensions, house equity, evidence of his salary etc if possible and get an appointment with a solicitor to explore options and work out next steps. You may need a forensic accountant. I think you need to get your ducks seriously in a row with this one before you mention anything to him as he may start taking steps to move/hide money etc at that point..

You dont have to work it all out now, just take the first step and keep taking another and another. Imagine being without him and all the stress, just you and dc with enough money to live your lives.

Goodness @Ducky222 , he sounds awful. I can understand why you prefer life when he’s not around so perhaps it’s time to think about making it permanent?

You're in a good position to get divorced now: children over 18 so no custody issues and an established career. Him stashing money is very suspicious, what’s he up to/planning to do with all that cash? Honestly, I think you’d be better off quietly getting the divorce ball rolling, because he’s up to something.