Anyone have a partner who makes a BIG deal about little things?

[HaventSleptForAYear]

OK. This is another "moan about my husband thread" but this is also actually seriously getting me down and I don't know if other people manage to live with it or not?

Example from this morning, I take a housekey off my key-ring to give to DH, it drops down the side of the seat.

We're in a bit of a rush (but no urgent deadline), he blows up, especially as he gets his hands dirty looking for it, stands aside to let me grub around for it, "I knew this would happen, so annoying/stupid bla bla bla". I find it, he drives off.

This kind of thing happens all the time, for ex. if he can't find sth he wants, if things aren't in the right place, if the fridge is not "organised" enough.

It gets me really wound up and stressed, and with 2 DS + full-time job I don't need the hassle. I actually feel more relaxed when he's not there, especially with the kids.

Anyone got any coping strategies for this? (I would like him to stop sweating the small stuff)

To be fair, I nipped it in the bud - I got started on stopping the babyish behaviour right at the start.

Much harder IMO to change behaviours that are in an established couple.

Therapy?

Dh spends most of the day moaning at me, i can't stop it winding me up, i just ignore for as long as possible then i explode (like last night) and we have a huge argument which ends with him saying sorry

And then the next day he's back to normal dh and it all starts again

Lol Anna, it certainly was an eye-opener to me. I had no idea I was like that, at all. And they didn't even see it as a nice, helpful trait - they thought it was ridiculous. How embarrassing

That's horrible, Marne.

You've probably got an automatic programmed response thing going on between the two of you. He moans, it annoys you and you can't stop yourself...

Therapists can break the pattern.

littlewoman - they were right. But your father had rewarded you for fixing all his little problems by telling you you were kind and helpful...

Dh suffers from depresion and possible Aspergers syndrome, he believes things like 'leeving car keys in the wrong place' is a realy big deal. I try to understand the way he thinks but its hard as i think things like this are not worth worrying about.

Marne my dh is like that he goes on for ages and I ignore then I blow and he has the cheek to say I am aggresive

But he does`nt do it in the kitchen where the knive block is

If I laughed at my DH about this he'd go bloody mad. Also, I can't ignore him because that would wind him up even more

littlewoman your post really rings a bell with me.

My dad was very agressive and sometimes violent and we always had to jump to it when he got home. You never knew what little thing was going to wind him up.

So I, like you, have a tendancy to feel that I'm being got at if someone makes a remark.

EG - my dad's way of asking for the salt is "is there any salt on the table?" or "who's hidden the salt?" which translates as GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

So when DH makes comments I do tend to take them personally and feel I have to fix it or feel it's my fault, even when it's not.

This is interesting, maybe I do need to remind myself that some of the comments are not actually directed at me, but at life in general.

Am with you Marne and Sanctuary on the ignoring for as long as possible and then blowing.

anna8888 you must have the patience of a saint to have done all that smiling and teasing and ignoring to start off with.

Although I agree it's probably better to do it early on because you are more tolerant then and more madly in love.

LOL being madly in love probably helped...

Am a very patient person when I choose to be

I am SO not Anna8888 (as my mother has pointed out).

I spent my childhood putting up with this kind of behaviour, can't believe I've married into it [doh!]

Although I see that there are plenty of other DHs out there who are the same, so maybe it's not just me picking a father figure.

My partner married his mother (woman with all the same major personality traits) first time round . Often happens.

Oh, they're twats sometimes aren't they (bless)

DP is like this, really sweats the small stuff. If he drops a cup and cracks it, or something, he gets really pissed off. Loses things and gets all huffy puffy. Likes to have tea made a certain way etc. Fusspot about things which do not matter.

A good flipside of this is that big issues which would give me a breakdown do not bother him in the slightest. Last year, he had a car crash, another of his cars was totalled by an idiot speeding into it at night, and our house, two other vehicles and every bit of his work equipment was destroyed in the Gloucestershire floods. He basically was very philosophical and upbeat about it all (I cried and cried and thought the world had come to an end)

But bloody hell if we run out of salt or I leave a light on overnight it's a farking disaster!!

That wasn't v. clear - I mean maybe a lot of men are the same so I would have ended up with one whatever.

Clear as mud....

Oh yes getorfmoiland My Dh is great in a "real" crisis too.

But lost key down the side of a car seat, it's the end of the world.

My DH expects everything to be done perfectly by others but is completely disorganised himself.It use to really bother me but now i just ignore him and refuse to get stressed.If he wants perfection he does it himself!

Anna, you're a sweetie and I wish it was true, but my dad was as horrible as Haven'tslept's dad was. That's why I jumped to it

Anna is right though, when someone points it out to you it is so liberating. I didn't even notice how stressed out I used to get when someone wanted or needed something, I would just jump up and rush about.
Now, I can sit there and think 'it's not my problem'. I will almost always get up and help, but the anxiety, and the fear that I may not find it isn't there anymore - because ITS NOT MY PROB. That is so fantastic to know.

the only consolation is that men like this are often great in a real crisis (if someone dropped a nuclear bomb my dh would be completely unflappable: if he cant find the carkeys, its THE END OF THE WORLD).
the only thing i have found helps is spending two minutes before i go to bed collecting up the various things he always scatters around the house and then loses (luckily men like this are incredibly predictable - for him it is carkeys, wallet, blackberry, lighter, dog's lead for morning walk) and putting them in a pile on the hall shelf. then in the morning rush when he starts shouting WHERES MY... at least i know.
one day, he will look on the hall shelf before shouting WHERES MY...
but by then i shall be a very, very old woman
one day, long after that, he may even collect up all these things himself and put them somewhere he can find them
but by then, sadly, i shall be dead

So my new strategy was to say "if you don't like how I'm doing it, do it yourself".

Tried it out Sunday after lunch, I was washing up, he made a comment about me letting the hot water run too much.

I turned off the tap and said if you don't like how I do it, I won't do it. Calmly.

All back-fired on me, he sulked off upstairs to have a nap leaving me with the kids, then p*d off to the garden for 2 hours.

Think he finally realised he'd pushed it a bit and came in a did bed, bath, cooked tea.

But we haven't really spoken since

Why does it always have to blow up like this?